.
.
>>>
Subj:     Computer3 Jokes
                 (Includes 28 jokes and articles, 181027,8,cf,wYT3,4)

          Click "Here" for Comp-Supp3


Man Shoots PC  from
Accent on Animation
>>>
Includes the following:  Opus Comic Strip - Bloom County 2015 (S966 in Supp3)
.........................Reset Button On Ink Cartridges - Video (S1016 in Supp3)
.........................Guilt Riddled Neighbor (S953 in Supp3)
.........................Pickles Comic Strip (S685b in Supp3)
.........................Whale Hologram In Gym - Video (S1027 in Supp3)
.........................
.........................Doonesbury Sunday Comic Strip (S915)
.........................Arthur C. Clarke Predicts The Internet - Video (S939)
.........................Man E-Mails His Wife (S177, S731)
.........................Three Computer People Have A Car Problem (S139)
.........................Should I Be Honest? (S69)
.........................New Mouse - Video (S356b)
.........................Frustrated User Shoots Computer (S318b)
.........................Eleanor Rigby Revised!
.........................Funny E-Mail Addresses (S262)
.........................Ziggy Cartoon About EBay (S388
.........................Man With No E-Mail (S220b)
.........................Millennium Bug By Dave Barry (S103)
.........................Remember When (S94)
.........................File Formats - Wep Site (S620b)
.........................11 Reasons E-Mail Is Like A Penis: (S83)
.........................Source Code For Windows 98 (S80)
.........................Man In Hot Air Balloon Is Lost (S80, S329b)
.........................Logging On To AOL - Animated GIF (S412)
.........................Programmer's Night Before Christmas (DU)
.........................'Twas the Night Before 2000' (S80)
.........................Abort, Retry, Ignore Poem (S77)
.........................If Life Were Like A Computer Poem (S300)
.........................Ripley's Believe It Or Not! - Drawing (S664b)
.........................Letter From Your Computer (S72)
.........................New Proverbs for the New Millenium (S69, S725)
.........................Jesus And Satan Have Programming Contest (S66, S772)
.........................Tech Support (S105)
.........................Microsoft Employee Of The Month - Photo (S484c)

============================================================Top
Subj:     Doonesbury Sunday Comic Strip (S915)
          By Garry Trudeau on 7/27/2014
Source: http://www.gocomics.com/doonesbury/2014/07/27
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.
.
Top
Subj:     Arthur C. Clarke Predicts The Internet (S939d)
          From: Valorie Calton on Facebook
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/OIRZebE8O84
 Source2: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=455483054467788

 (Also see 'Arthur C. Clarke Predicting The Future In 1964' in Time-Supp)

 In 1974 Arthur C. Clarke told the Australian Broadcasting
 Corporation (ABC) that every household in 2001 will have a
 computer and be connected all over the world. Click 'HERE'
 to hear Clarke predict our present world.

Top
Subj:     Man E-Mails His Wife (S177, S731)
          From: RFSlick on 6/18/00
      and From: gattica30 on 1/14/2011

 A man left Chicago for a vacation in Key West.  His wife
 was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him
 the next day.  When the man arrived in Flordia, the husband
 checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a
 computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to
 his wife.

 However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
 address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to
 the wrong address.

 Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston ...a widow had just
 returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a Minister
 who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

 The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages
 from relatives and friends.

 After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.

 The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
 floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which
 read:
 

 To: My Loving Wife
 Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
 Subject: I have Arrived!

 Dearest Love:

 I know you are surprised to hear from me.  They have computers
 here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved
 ones.  I have just arrived and have been checked in.

 I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival
 tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

 Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

 PS ....... Sure is hot down here!!

Top
Subj:     Three Computer People Have A Car Problem (S139)
..........From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/28/99

 (Also see 'Software And Hardware Engineers
..............And Manager's Car Stops' in PROGRAMMER file)
   and see 'Car Stops For Three Engineers' in ENGINEER3)

 A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental
 manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland.
 They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly
 the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing
 off guard rails until it finally ground to a halt along the
 mountainside.

 The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem.
 They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

 "I know" said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a
 Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and
 through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to
 the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way."

 "No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife
 with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the
 fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

 "Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything,
 shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and
 see if it happens again?"

Top
Subj:     Should I Be Honest? (S69)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98

 I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-
 era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who
 works for Microsoft.  My mother peddles Nazi literature to
 Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for
 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were
 under anesthesia.

 The sole supports of our large family, including myself and
 my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket,
 Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter),
 and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

 My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most
 beautiful, sweetest girl in the world.  She is just sweet
 sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape
 from reform school.

 To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start
 a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor.  We look
 forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

 I am worried that my family will not make a good impression
 on hers.  In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her
 about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

Top
Subj:     New Mouse Video (S356b,d)
          Created by Tippett Studio
          From: darrell94590 on 10/19/2005
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/MZU4hjA_eng

 Click 'HERE' to see this cute video about a rabbit,
 hamster, and a mouse practicing Kung Fu.

Top
Subj:     Frustrated User Shoots Computer (S318b)
          From: gomilpitas on 3/7/2003

 LAFAYETTE, Colo. (March 5) - George Doughty hung his latest
 hunting trophy on the wall of his Sportsman's Bar and
 Restaurant. Then he went to jail.

 The problem was the trophy was Doughty's laptop computer.

 He shot it four times, as customers watched, after it
 crashed once too often.  He was jailed on suspicion of
 felony menacing, reckless endangerment and the prohibited
 use of weapons.

 "It's sort of funny, because everybody always threatens
 their computers," said police Lt. Rick Bashor, seconds
 before his own police computer froze at police headquarters.

 Doughty was released Monday evening after spending a night
 in jail and is due in court Wednesday.  In police reports,
 Doughty said that he realized afterward that he shouldn't
 have shot his computer but at the time it seemed like the
 right thing to do.

 If you received this mail from a friend and wish to
 subscribe, send an email to:
 Anns-Humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Top
Subj:     Eleanor Rigby Revised!
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/2/2002

 The following should be song to the Beatles' Eleanor Rigby...

 Sits at the keyboard
 And waits for a line on the screen
 Lives in a dream

 Waits for a signal
 Finding some code
 That will make the machine do some more.
 What is it for?

 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

 Guru MacKenzie
 Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
 Isn't it fun?
 Look at him working,
 Munching some chips as he waits for the code to
 compile; Where is the style?

 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

 Eleanor Rigby
 Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
 What is it worth?
 Guru MacKenzie
 Wiping the blood off his hands as he walks from
 the grave; Nothing was saved.

 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Top
Subj:     Funny E-Mail Addresses (S262)
          From: ICohen on 2/4/2002

 Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name
 down to 6 characters and add the first and middle initial
 to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address.

 For example, Mary > L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They
 are just now beginning to realize the problems that may
 happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to
 choose from.  Add to that a large database of company and
 college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses.
 Probably not funny to the individual involved,however:

 TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses

 10. Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) -
     eatonsht@dku.edu

  9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of
     Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu

  8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -
     kissinfk@lvu.edu

  7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) -
     aspicker@pu.edu

  6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -
     ibballin@bsu.edu

  5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern
     Division, Overton, Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com

  4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) -
     ihadcock@tru.com

  3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) -
     cumminme@fu.edu

  2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers ?
     Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

  But at No 1, it had to be...

  1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) -
     beeranbj@myplace.com

Top
Subj:     Ziggy Cartoon About EBay (S388)
          By Tom Wilson on June 20,2004
          At: http://www.gocomics.com/ziggy/2004/06/20

 You can view this cute cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Man With No E-Mail (S220b)
          From: Anaise on 4/20/2001

 An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as
 a janitor.  The manager there arranges for him to take an
 aptitude test (Section: floors, sweeping, and cleaning).
 After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at
 minimum wage, $5.15 an hour.  Let me have your e-mail
 address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell
 you where to report for work on your first day."  Taken
 aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor
 an e-mail address.  To this the MS manager replies, "Well,
 then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can
 therefore hardly expect to be employed."

 Stunned, the man leaves.  Not knowing where to turn and
 having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25-pound
 flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.  Within less than two
 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100 per-
 cent profit.  Repeating the process several times more
 that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to
 sleep that night.

 And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make
 a living selling tomatoes.  Getting up early every day
 and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
 After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several
 dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again
 so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding
 business.  By the end of the second year, he is the owner
 of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of 100
 formerly unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

 Planning for the future of his wife and children, he
 decides to buy some life insurance.  Consulting with an
 insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his
 new circumstances.  At the end of the telephone conver-
 sation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in
 order to send the final documents electronically.

 When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser
 is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail?  How on earth
 have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet,
 e-mail, and e-commerce?  Just imagine where you would be
 now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the
 very start!"

 After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied,
 "Why, of course!  I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
 Moral of this story:

 1. The Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce do not need to rule
    your life.
 2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still
    become a millionaire.
 3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're
    probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to
    becoming a millionaire.

Top
Subj:     Millennium Bug By Dave Barry (S103)
          From: humorlist-digest V3 #15 on 99-01-17

 I found myself thinking about the Millennium Bug a couple
 of weeks ago while listening to Perry Como sing "Do You
 Hear What I Hear?" to me on the telephone.

 Ordinarily there is nothing I'd rather do than listen to
 Perry croon a Christmas carol over a speaker that has the
 acoustical fidelity of a wet kazoo. But in this case, I
 had been hoping to get through to a Customer Service
 representative of a large corporation that had just sent
 me, out of the blue, a letter informing me that my home-
 owner's insurance was being canceled.  This letter caused
 me to experience one of those chilling homeowner moments,
 like when you see water coming from an electrical socket,
 or you realize that you have built your new kitchen
 addition directly over your septic tank, or you call home
 and the baby-sitter says that the fire chief wants to
 talk to you, or the termite inspector shines his flash-
 light under your house and screams like the shower woman
 in "Psycho."

 So I really, really wanted to talk to a live human Customer
 Service representative, or even a reasonably intelligent
 Customer Service dog.  But I was getting nowhere with the
 automated telephone answering system, which was designed
 by the late Pol Pot. No matter what numbers I pressed on
 my touch-tone phone -- and I tried them all -- I always
 ended up with a very nice recorded woman saying: "Please
 hold while your call is transferred to a Customer Service
 representative." Then there would be some clicks, and I'd
 get ready to give my insurance policy number, and, there,
 on the line, would be: Perry Como.  Perry would croon a
 few verses of "Do You Hear What I Hear?"; then I'd hear
 some more clicks; then I'd hear: a dial tone. Time to
 start over!

 I went through this entire procedure five times.  I began
 to wonder if maybe, as a result of a career slump, Perry
 Como actually WAS the Customer Service representative,
 and he was singing Christmas carols to himself in his
 little cubicle to pass the time while he waited for me
 to explain my problem.  But of course the actual
 explanation is that the telephone answering system at
 this corporation, like everything else in the world, is
 controlled by computers.  And while we must recognize
 that computers are wonderful machines that have improved
 our lives in countless ways, we must also, by the same
 token, recognize that they are the evil demon spawn of
 Hell.

 This is why I'm worried about this Millennium Bug.  By
 now, of course, you've heard about this problem: It's a
 glitch in computer software that, when transmitted via
 the bite of a mosquito, can cause severe chills and
 death.

 No, sorry, that's malaria.  The Millennium Bug is a
 glitch that makes it impossible for computers to under-
 stand what century it is.  You can explain it to them
 until you're blue in the face, but they'll just look
 at you with the same blank, uncomprehending expression
 that appeared on Vice President Quayle whenever some-
 body asked him a tricky question like what his opinion
 was.

 The cause of the Millennium Bug dates back to the 1960s,
 when computer programmers decided to represent certain
 types of data in shorthand.  Thus 1967 became just "67";
 Missouri became just "Mo."; a broiled chicken sandwich
 with fries and a medium soft drink became just "The No.
 4 Combo"; and Charles A. Frecklewanker Jr. became just
 "Chuck."  The programmers did this because, in the 1960s,
 computer memory was very expensive. Also, back then
 everybody except Bill Clinton was on drugs.  Many of
 these programmers didn't KNOW what century it was.

 Until recently, the Millennium Bug was not a problem.
 But now, with the year 2000 looming just ahead, we are
 facing a disaster.  According to computer experts who
 have been studying the situation, on Dec. 31, 1999, at
 exactly midnight, the following chilling scenario is
 very likely to occur:

 --Millions of people will drink cheap champagne and
 put on stupid hats.

 --A significant number of these people will also sing
 incomprehensible lyrics about old acquaintance being
 forgot.

 A nightmare?  You bet it will be.  Also there could be
 some computer problems. Picture this situation: At
 11:59 p.m. on Dec. 31, you step into a crowded, computer-
 controlled elevator in a modern high-rise building. At
 the stroke of midnight, you and your co-passengers are
 suspended in an elevator shaft 50 floors up -- and
 suddenly, the elevator doesn't know whether the year is
 1900 or 2000! You can imagine what might happen!

 Nothing, that's what. Elevators don't NEED to know what
 year it is.  But a co-passenger who has been drinking
 cheap champagne could throw up on your shoes.

 This is just one of the possibilities we need to prepare
 for.  Another one is that there might be a nuclear war,
 which -- not to alarm anybody -- would probably have a
 serious impact on the bowl games. Also, many experts
 are warning that our national communications network
 could be disrupted, making it impossible, for a while
 anyway, to reach anybody by telephone.  So my advice is:
 Be prepared. Get yourself a Perry Como record NOW.

Top
Subj:     Remember When (S94)
          From: auntieg on 98-11-21

 (See 'Remember When:' in THOUGHTS-WARM)

 A computer was something on TV
 from a science fiction show of note
 a window was something you hated to clean...
 And ram was the cousin of a goat....

 Meg was the name of my girlfriend
 and gig was a job for the nights
 now they all mean different things
 and that really mega bytes

 An application was for employment
 a program was a TV show
 a cursor used profanity
 a keyboard was a piano

 Memory was something that you lost with age
 a cd was a bank account
 and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
 you hoped nobody found out

 Compress was something you did to the garbage
 not something you did to a file
 and if you unzipped anything in public
 you'd be in jail for a while

 Log on was adding wood to the fire
 hard drive was a long trip on the road
 a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
 and a backup happened to your commode

 Cut you did with a pocket knife
 paste you did with glue
 a web was a spider's home
 and a virus was the flu

 I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
 and the memory in my head
 I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
 but when it happens they wish they were dead

Top
Subj:     File Formats (S620b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 11/21/2008
 Source: http://www.ace.net.nz/tech/TechFileFormat.html

 This web page lists almost every file format in the world!
 Click on the above source to see them.

Top
Subj:     11 Reasons E-Mail Is Like A Penis: (S83)
          From: RFSlick on 98-08-29

 11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was
     ever cut off.

 10. Those who have it think that those who don't are
     somehow inferior.

  9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but
     think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it
     make about it.

  8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it,
     a phenomenon psychologists call *E-Mail Envy.*

  7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to
     get any real work done.

  6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
     information vital to the survival of the species.  Some
     people still think that's the only thing it should be
     used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

  5. If you don't take proper precautions,
     it can spread viruses.

  4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more
     and more difficult to think coherently.

  3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than
     its actual size and influence warrant.

  2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get
     you into a lot of trouble.

  And the number one reason Why E-Mail is Like a Male
  Reproductive Organ:... If you play with it too much,
  you go blind.

Top
Subj:     Source Code For Windows 98 (S80)
          From: mbucher on 98-08-09

 This is rumoured to be the source code for Windows 98
 written in C++.

   #include "win31.h"
   #include "win95.h"
   #include "win98.h"
   #include "evenmore.h"
   #include "oldstuff.h"
   #include "billrulz.h"
   #define INSTALL = HARD

   char make_prog_look_big?1600000?;

   void main()
   {
       while(!CRASHED)
       {
           display_copyright_message();
           display_bill_rules_message();
           do_nothing_loop();
           if (first_time_installation)
           {
              make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
               do_nothing_loop();
               totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();

               search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
               hang_system();
           }
           write_something(anything);
          display_copyright_message();
           do_nothing_loop();

           do_some_stuff();
           if (still_not_crashed)
           {
               display_copyright_message();
               do_nothing_loop();
               basically_run_windows_3.1();
               do_nothing_loop();
               do_nothing_loop();
           }
       }

       if (detect_cache())
           disable_cache();

       if (fast_cpu())
       {
           set_wait_states(lots);
          set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
           set_mouse(action, jumpy);
           set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
       }

       /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
      /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
       printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
       if (system_ok())
            crash(to_dos_prompt);
       else
           system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp" O_CREATE);

       while(something)
       {
           sleep(5);
           get_user_input();
           sleep(5);
           act_on_user_input();
           sleep(5);
       }
       create_general_protection_fault();
   }

Top
Subj:     Man In Hot Air Balloon Is Lost (S80, S329b)
          From: DrRibeiro on 98-08-06
      and From: Dmswitzer1325 on 5/21/2003

 (Also see 'Man In Hot Air Balloon Is Lost' in School-Supp)

 A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.  He reduced
 altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more
 and shouted,  "Excuse me, can you help me?  I promised a
 friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where
 I am."

 The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
 approximately 30 feet above the ground.  You are between 40
 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees
 west longitude."

 "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

 "I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

 "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
 technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
 information, and the fact is I am still lost.  Frankly, you've
 not been much help so far."

 The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

 "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

 "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where
 you are going.  You have risen to where you are due to a large
 quantity of hot air.  You made a promise, which you have no
 idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
 The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in
 before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Top
Subj:     Logging On To AOL (S412)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 12/10/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
.
..........
.
.
Top
Subj:     Programmer's Night Before Christmas (DU)
          From: smiles on 98-12-10

 Twas the night before implementation and all through the house
 not a program was working, not even a browse.
 The programmers hung round their cubes in despair
 with hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

 The users were nestled all snug in their beds
 while visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
 When out of the cope there arose such a clatter
 I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

 And what to my wandering eyes should appear
 but a super contractor with a six pack of beer.
 His resume glowed with experience so rare
 he turned out great code with a bit-pushers flair.

 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came -
 he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
 "on update, on add, on enquire, on delete, on batch jobs,
 on closing, on function complete."

 His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean
 from weekends and nights spent in front of the screen.
 A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
 soon gave me to know I had nothing dread.

 He spoke not a word but went straight to his work
 turning specs into code; then he turned with a jerk
 and laying his finger upon the enter key,
 the system came up and worked perfectly.

 The updates updated, the deletes they deleted,
 the inquiries inquired, the closing completed.
 He tested each whistle, he tested each bell,
 and with nary abend, all had gone well.

 They system was finished, the tests were concluded,
 the client's last changes were even included.
 And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
 "IT'S JUST WHAT I ASKED FOR, BUT NOT WHAT I WANT."

Top
Subj:     'Twas the Night Before 2000' (S80)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-08-05

 (See 'The Night Before Christmas On The Computer'
..........in CHRISTMAS3_NBC-SUPP)

 Twas the night before 2000 and all through the tower,
 applications were failing, more by the hour.

 The programs were running on the mainframe with care,
 in hope that the millennium bug was not there.

 The programmers were seated in front of their PC's,
 while visions of blank paychecks danced in their heads.

 With Amy in her office and I at my desk,
 we had just settled down for a night with no rest.

 When up on my screen there arose such a ding,
 I sprang from my chair screaming .. "I didn't touch a thing!"

 Away from my computer I ran real quick,
 tore open the drawer and picked up a stick.

 I glared at the PC, evil and mean, then realized ...
 it's just a machine.

 What to my wondering eyes should I see,
 but a miniature window, and a message for me.

 With tired eyes, I gave a glance,
 only hours left .. we don't have a chance!

 More rapid than eagles the languages fell,
 and we whistled, and shouted, and called with a yell;

 "Now COBOL! now, NATURAL, Batch and On-Line!
 Oh, FORTRAN! Oh SAS! Now CHORE went flat-line!

 From the front of my face, to the face of the wall,
 now bash away! bash away! bash away all!

 As the team gathered together for one last try,
 the word from management came... "Fix it or die!"

 So they sat in their chairs, in the up-right position,
 with a desk full of work, and a nasty disposition!

 And then, in a dinging, I heard the speaker mention,
 "Attention, the building, Attention."

 As he tried to speak the next word,
 the crashing of the mainframe is all we heard.

 The programs were a mess, from start to end.
 My screen was tarnished with an ugly abend.

 The team assembled, into one huge pack,
 we looked like hungry wolves, ready to attack.

 Our eyes - how they twinkled!
 Our fingers typed with a clank.

 Fix Payroll we said,
 because our paychecks are blank!

 The sweat on my face was falling like rain,
 while the coding of COBOL drove me insane!

 The stump of a pencil I held tight in my hand,
 I chewed nervously, hoping I would not get canned!

 I coded some Windows and a Bridge too,
 that took a program from version one to two.

 I was tired, weak, and in a delusion state,
 and I laughed when I saw it, in spite of fate.

 A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
 soon let me know that bug was not dead!

 It spoke not a word, but went straight to work,
 crashing the remaining programs, then turned with a jerk.

 I placed the cursor next to the bug,
 pressed the delete key to remove the little thug.

 But I heard it exclaim, as I erased the line.....

 "Happy Millennium for now, 'cause I'll return in 9999!"

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Subj:     Abort, Retry, Ignore Poem (S77)
          From: ossama on 98-07-15

 Once upon a midnight dreary, Fingers cramped and vision bleary,
 System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
 Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there,
    doing spreadsheets;
 Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer.
 Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
 But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 Was this some occult illusion?  Some maniacal intrusion?
 These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
 Carefully I weighed the options.  These three seemed to
    be the top ones.
 Clearly, now I must adopt one: Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 With my fingers pale and trembling Slowly toward the
    keyboard bending,
 Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
 Praying for some guarantee  Finally I pressed a key ----
 But on the screen what did I see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 I tried to catch the chips off-guard---I pressed again
    but twice as hard
 Luck was just not in the cards. I saw what I had seen before.
 Now I typed in desperation, Trying random combinations
 Still there came the incantation: Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted
 Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
 And then I saw an awful sight:  A bold and blinding flash
    of light---
 A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.

 I saw the screen collapse and die;  "Oh, No, my database",
    I cried
 I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your
    data NEVERMORE!"

 To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes
 I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored.
 But as for productivity, well I fear that it goes
    straight to hell
 And that's the tale I have to tell. Your choice:
    "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

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Subj:     If Life Were Like A Computer Poem (S300)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/7/2002

 Don't you wish when life is bad
 and things just don't compute,
 That all we really had to do
 was stop and hit reboot?

 Things would all turn out ok,
 life could be so sweet
 If we had those special keys
 Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

 Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
 your partner, well they are just mute
 Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
 that make it all reboot

 You'd like to have another job
 but you fear living in the street?
 You solve it all and start a new,
 Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.

 Well wouldn't that be lovely if we could
 Ctrl, Alt and Delete...

Top
(S664b)
     by John Graziano on 9/26/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/ripleysbelieveitornot/2009/09/26
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Subj:     Letter From Your Computer (S72)
          From: auntieg on 98-06-14

 You look really sexy in that... thing you've got on tonight.
 I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your
 E-mail..  When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist
 tinkling on her keys.  You really know how to push the right
 buttons to turn me on.  If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you
 what "Hard Drive" really means!

 But alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying
 your every command.  Yes master!  I'll balance your checkbook.
 Yes master!  I'll run your silly little program.  Don't get
 me wrong... I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just
 once in a while you could show some compassion?

 Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could
 slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first.  And
 maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you
 are through, we could talk for a while afterwards?

 I know other computers have hurt you in the past.  But I'm
 different!  I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse!
 So come on baby, don't fight it.  You know you want it.  I'll
 just turn off the lights and... and.... what?

 Ok...well, will you at least think about it?

 I'm so embarrassed,
 Your Computer

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Subj:     New Proverbs for the New Millenium (S69, S725)
..........From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98

  1. Home is where you hang your @.
  2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  5. Great groups from little icons grow.
  6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
  8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
  9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
 10. The modem is the message.
 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
 12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
 13. A chat has nine lives.
 14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
 15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
 16. What boots up must come down.
 17. Windows will never cease.
 18. In Gates we trust.
 19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
 20. Modulation in all things.
 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
 22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
 23. Know what to expect before you connect.
 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
 25. Speed thrills.
 26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
     use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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Subj:     Jesus And Satan Have Programming Contest (S66, S772)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #105 on 98-04-30
      and From: ft.apache on 11/2/2011

 Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better
 programmer.  This goes on for a few hours until they come
 to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the Judge.
 They set themselves before their computers and begin.

 They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen,
 for several hours straight.  Seconds before the end of the
 competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the
 electricity.  Moments later, the power is restored, and
 God announces that the contest is over.  He asks Satan to
 show what he has come up with.

 Satin is visibly upset and cries, "I have nothing, I lost
 it all when the power went out."

 "Very well, then, " says God, "let us see if Jesus fared
 any better."

 Jesus enters a command , and the screen comes to life in
 vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pours forth
 from the speakers.

 Satan is astonished.  He stutters, "B-b-but how?!  I lost
 everything yet Jesus' program is Intact!  How did he do it?"

 God Chuckles,  "Everybody knows... Jesus Saves."

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Subj:     Tech Support (S105)
          From: JOELFALLON on 97-11-10
      and From: TWIRL4DAYS on 99-01-28

 Here's the dialog of what is purported to be an actual
 telephone converstion between a WordPerfect user and a
 former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.  Needless
 to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the
 person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization
 for "termination without cause".

 "May I help You?"

 "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

 "What sort of trouble?"

 "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
  words went away."

 "Went away?"

 "They disappeared."

 "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

 "Nothing."

 "Nothing?"

 "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

 "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

 "How do I tell?"

 "Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?"

 "What's a C-prompt?"

 "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

 "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
  anything I type."

 "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

 "What's a monitor?"

 "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

 "I don't know."

 "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
  the power cord goes into it.  Can you see that?"

 "Yes, I think so."

 "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
  plugged into  the wall."

 "Yes, it is."

 "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
  there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not
  just one?"

 "No."

 "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
  find the other cable."

 "Okay, here it is."

 "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
  into the back of your computer."

 "I can't reach."

 "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

 "No."

 "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
  lean way over?"

 "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's
  because it's dark."

 "Dark?"

 "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have
  is coming in from the window."

 "Well, turn on the office light then."

 "I can't."

 "No? Why not?"

 "Because there's a power outage."

 "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do
  you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
  your computer came in?"

 "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

 "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
  just like it was when you got it.  Then take it back to
  the store you bought it from."

 "Really? Is it that bad?"

 "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

 "Well, all right then, I suppose.  What do I tell them?"

 "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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Subj:     Microsoft Employee Of The Month (S484c)
          From: sfo_pilot on 4/30/2006

 You can see this JPG picture by clicking 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
...........................From Smiley_Central
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