Subj: Computer3 Jokes
(Includes 26 jokes and articles, 02772,6,cf)
Man Shoots PC from
Accent on Animation
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Subj: Computer3 Jokes (Includes 26 jokes and articles, 02772,6,cf) |
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Man Shoots PC from Accent on Animation |
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| Subj:
New Mouse - WMV Movie (S356b)
From: darrell94590 on 10/19/2005 |
 |
You can view this cute, short
WMV movie on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Frustrated
User Shoots Computer (S318b)
From: gomilpitas on 3/7/2003
LAFAYETTE, Colo. (March 5) -
George Doughty hung his latest
hunting trophy on the wall of
his Sportsman's Bar and
Restaurant. Then he went to
jail.
The problem was the trophy was Doughty's laptop computer.
He shot it four times, as customers
watched, after it
crashed once too often.
He was jailed on suspicion of
felony menacing, reckless endangerment
and the prohibited
use of weapons.
"It's sort of funny, because
everybody always threatens
their computers," said police
Lt. Rick Bashor, seconds
before his own police computer
froze at police headquarters.
Doughty was released Monday evening
after spending a night
in jail and is due in court
Wednesday. In police reports,
Doughty said that he realized
afterward that he shouldn't
have shot his computer but at
the time it seemed like the
right thing to do.
If you received this mail from
a friend and wish to
subscribe, send an email to:
Anns-Humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
\\\//
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Subj: Eleanor
Rigby Revised!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/2/2002
The following should be song to the Beatles' Eleanor Rigby...
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the
screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do
some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do
they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does
it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program
that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits
for the code to
compile; Where is the style?
All the lonely users, where do
they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does
it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses
6 hours of work;
What is it worth?
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the blood off his hands
as he walks from
the grave; Nothing was saved.
All the lonely users, where do
they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does
it take so long?
\\\//
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Subj: Funny
E-Mail Addresses (S262)
From: ICohen on 2/4/2002
Many colleges and businesses
tend to strip the last name
down to 6 characters and add
the first and middle initial
to either the beginning or end
to make up an e-mail address.
For example, Mary > L. Ferguson
= mlfergus or fergusml. They
are just now beginning to realize
the problems that may
happen when you have a large
and diverse pool of people to
choose from. Add to that
a large database of company and
college acronyms and you have
some very funny addresses.
Probably not funny to the individual
involved,however:
TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
10. Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke
University) -
eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana
University of
Pennsylvania)
- dickinme@iup.edu
8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las
Verdes University) -
kissinfk@lvu.edu
7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue
University) -
aspicker@pu.edu
6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball
State University) -
ibballin@bsu.edu
5. Bradley Thomas Kissering
(Brady Electrical, Northern
Division,
Overton, Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys
"R" Us) -
ihadcock@tru.com
3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins
(Fresno University) -
cumminme@fu.edu
2. George David Blowmer (Drop
Front Drawers ?
Cabinets
Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
But at No 1, it had to be...
1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace
Home Decorating) -
beeranbj@myplace.com
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Subj: Man
With No E-Mail (S220b)
From: Anaise on 4/20/2001
An unemployed man goes to apply
for a job with Microsoft as
a janitor. The manager
there arranges for him to take an
aptitude test (Section: floors,
sweeping, and cleaning).
After the test, the manager
says, "You will be employed at
minimum wage, $5.15 an hour.
Let me have your e-mail
address, so that I can send
you a form to complete and tell
you where to report for work
on your first day." Taken
aback, the man protests that
he has neither a computer nor
an e-mail address. To
this the MS manager replies, "Well,
then, that means that you virtually
don't exist and can
therefore hardly expect to be
employed."
Stunned, the man leaves.
Not knowing where to turn and
having only $10 in his wallet,
he decides to buy a 25-pound
flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.
Within less than two
hours, he sells all the tomatoes
individually at 100 per-
cent profit. Repeating
the process several times more
that day, he ends up with almost
$100 before going to
sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on him that
he could quite easily make
a living selling tomatoes.
Getting up early every day
and going to bed late, he multiplies
his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires
a cart to transport several
dozen boxes of tomatoes, only
to have to trade it in again
so that he can buy a pickup
truck to support his expanding
business. By the end of
the second year, he is the owner
of a fleet of pickup trucks
and manages a staff of 100
formerly unemployed people,
all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his
wife and children, he
decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an
insurance adviser, he picks
an insurance plan to fit his
new circumstances. At
the end of the telephone conver-
sation, the adviser asks him
for his e-mail address in
order to send the final documents
electronically.
When the man replies that he
has no e-mail, the adviser
is stunned, "What, you don't
have e-mail? How on earth
have you managed to amass such
wealth without the Internet,
e-mail, and e-commerce?
Just imagine where you would be
now, if you had been connected
to the Internet from the
very start!"
After a moment of thought, the
tomato millionaire replied,
"Why, of course! I would
be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail, and
e-commerce do not need to rule
your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail,
but work hard, you can still
become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this
story via e-mail, you're
probably closer
to becoming a janitor than you are to
becoming a millionaire.
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Ziggy Comics On EBay (S388)
From: UComics Web Site on June 20,2004 at http://www.ucomics.com/ziggy/ |
You can view this cute cartoon
at the source above, or on my
web site by clucking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Man
E-Mails His Wife (S177, S731)
From: RFSlick on 6/18/00
and
From: gattica30 on 1/14/2011
A man left Chicago for a vacation
in Key West. His wife
was on a business trip and planned
to fly down to meet him
the next day. When the
man arrived in Flordia, the husband
checked into the hotel, and
unlike years ago, there was a
computer in his room, and he
decided to send an email to
his wife.
However, he accidentally left
out one letter in her email
address, and without noticing
his error, sent the email to
the wrong address.
Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston
...a widow had just
returned home from her husband's
funeral. He was a Minister
who was called home to glory
after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her
email, expecting messages
from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the
room, found his mother on the
floor, and then glanced up and
saw the computer screen which
read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear
from me. They have computers
here now, and you are allowed
to send emails to your loved
ones. I have just arrived
and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival
tomorrow, and look forward to
seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS ....... Sure is hot down here!!
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Computer People Have A Car Problem (S139)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/28/99
(Also see 'Software
? Hardware Engineers And Manager's Car Stops' in PROGRAMMER file)
and see 'Car
Stops For Three Engineers' in ENGINEER3)
A software engineer, hardware
engineer and departmental
manager were on their way to
a meeting in Switzerland.
They were driving down a steep
mountain road when suddenly
the brakes failed. The car careened
out of control, bouncing
off guard rails until it finally
ground to a halt along the
mountainside.
The occupants of the car were
unhurt, but they had a problem.
They were stuck halfway down
the mountain in a car with no brakes.
"I know" said the manager. "Let's
have a meeting, propose a
Vision, formulate a Mission
Statement, define some Goals, and
through a process of Continuous
Improvement, find a solution to
the Critical Problems and we'll
be on our way."
"No," said the hardware engineer.
"I've got my Swiss army knife
with me. I can strip down the
car's braking system, isolate the
fault, fix it, and we'll be
on our way."
"Wait," said the software engineer.
"Before we do anything,
shouldn't we push the car back
to the top of the mountain and
see if it happens again?"
\\\//
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Subj: Millennium
Bug By Dave Barry (S103)
From: humorlist-digest V3 #15 on 99-01-17
I found myself thinking about
the Millennium Bug a couple
of weeks ago while listening
to Perry Como sing "Do You
Hear What I Hear?" to me on
the telephone.
Ordinarily there is nothing I'd
rather do than listen to
Perry croon a Christmas carol
over a speaker that has the
acoustical fidelity of a wet
kazoo. But in this case, I
had been hoping to get through
to a Customer Service
representative of a large corporation
that had just sent
me, out of the blue, a letter
informing me that my home-
owner's insurance was being
canceled. This letter caused
me to experience one of those
chilling homeowner moments,
like when you see water coming
from an electrical socket,
or you realize that you have
built your new kitchen
addition directly over your
septic tank, or you call home
and the baby-sitter says that
the fire chief wants to
talk to you, or the termite
inspector shines his flash-
light under your house and screams
like the shower woman
in "Psycho."
So I really, really wanted to
talk to a live human Customer
Service representative, or even
a reasonably intelligent
Customer Service dog.
But I was getting nowhere with the
automated telephone answering
system, which was designed
by the late Pol Pot. No matter
what numbers I pressed on
my touch-tone phone -- and I
tried them all -- I always
ended up with a very nice recorded
woman saying: "Please
hold while your call is transferred
to a Customer Service
representative." Then there
would be some clicks, and I'd
get ready to give my insurance
policy number, and, there,
on the line, would be: Perry
Como. Perry would croon a
few verses of "Do You Hear What
I Hear?"; then I'd hear
some more clicks; then I'd hear:
a dial tone. Time to
start over!
I went through this entire procedure
five times. I began
to wonder if maybe, as a result
of a career slump, Perry
Como actually WAS the Customer
Service representative,
and he was singing Christmas
carols to himself in his
little cubicle to pass the time
while he waited for me
to explain my problem.
But of course the actual
explanation is that the telephone
answering system at
this corporation, like everything
else in the world, is
controlled by computers.
And while we must recognize
that computers are wonderful
machines that have improved
our lives in countless ways,
we must also, by the same
token, recognize that they are
the evil demon spawn of
Hell.
This is why I'm worried about
this Millennium Bug. By
now, of course, you've heard
about this problem: It's a
glitch in computer software
that, when transmitted via
the bite of a mosquito, can
cause severe chills and
death.
No, sorry, that's malaria.
The Millennium Bug is a
glitch that makes it impossible
for computers to under-
stand what century it is.
You can explain it to them
until you're blue in the face,
but they'll just look
at you with the same blank,
uncomprehending expression
that appeared on Vice President
Quayle whenever some-
body asked him a tricky question
like what his opinion
was.
The cause of the Millennium Bug
dates back to the 1960s,
when computer programmers decided
to represent certain
types of data in shorthand.
Thus 1967 became just "67";
Missouri became just "Mo.";
a broiled chicken sandwich
with fries and a medium soft
drink became just "The No.
4 Combo"; and Charles A. Frecklewanker
Jr. became just
"Chuck." The programmers
did this because, in the 1960s,
computer memory was very expensive.
Also, back then
everybody except Bill Clinton
was on drugs. Many of
these programmers didn't KNOW
what century it was.
Until recently, the Millennium
Bug was not a problem.
But now, with the year 2000
looming just ahead, we are
facing a disaster. According
to computer experts who
have been studying the situation,
on Dec. 31, 1999, at
exactly midnight, the following
chilling scenario is
very likely to occur:
--Millions of people will drink
cheap champagne and
put on stupid hats.
--A significant number of these
people will also sing
incomprehensible lyrics about
old acquaintance being
forgot.
A nightmare? You bet it
will be. Also there could be
some computer problems. Picture
this situation: At
11:59 p.m. on Dec. 31, you step
into a crowded, computer-
controlled elevator in a modern
high-rise building. At
the stroke of midnight, you
and your co-passengers are
suspended in an elevator shaft
50 floors up -- and
suddenly, the elevator doesn't
know whether the year is
1900 or 2000! You can imagine
what might happen!
Nothing, that's what. Elevators
don't NEED to know what
year it is. But a co-passenger
who has been drinking
cheap champagne could throw
up on your shoes.
This is just one of the possibilities
we need to prepare
for. Another one is that
there might be a nuclear war,
which -- not to alarm anybody
-- would probably have a
serious impact on the bowl games.
Also, many experts
are warning that our national
communications network
could be disrupted, making it
impossible, for a while
anyway, to reach anybody by
telephone. So my advice is:
Be prepared. Get yourself a
Perry Como record NOW.
\\\//
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Subj: Remember
When (S94)
From: auntieg on 98-11-21
(See 'Remember
When:' in THOUGHTS-WARM)
A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show
of note
a window was something you hated
to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a
goat....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different
things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you
lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did
to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything
in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the
fire
hard drive was a long trip on
the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse
lived
and a backup happened to your
commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad
and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed
in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish
they were dead
\\\//
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| Subj:
File Formats (S620b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/21/2008 Picture
from ShutterStock.com...
|
 |
This web page lists almost every
file format in the world!
Click on the above source to
see them.
\\\//
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Subj: 11 Reasons
E-Mail Is Like A Penis: (S83)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-29
11. Those who have it would be
devastated if it was
ever cut
off.
10. Those who have it think that
those who don't are
somehow inferior.
9. Those who don't have it may
agree that it's neat, but
think it's
not worth the fuss that those who have it
make about
it.
8. Many of those who don't have
it would like to try it,
a phenomenon
psychologists call *E-Mail Envy.*
7. It's more fun when it's up,
but this makes it hard to
get any real
work done.
6. In the distant past, its
only purpose was to transmit
information
vital to the survival of the species. Some
people still
think that's the only thing it should be
used for,
but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
5. If you don't take proper
precautions,
it can spread
viruses.
4. If you use it too much, you'll
find it becomes more
and more
difficult to think coherently.
3. We attach an importance to
it that is far greater than
its actual
size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what
you do with it, it can get
you into
a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason Why
E-Mail is Like a Male
Reproductive Organ:... If you
play with it too much,
you go blind.
\\\//
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Subj: Source
Code For Windows 98 (S80)
From: mbucher on 98-08-09
This is rumoured to be the source
code for Windows 98
written in C++.
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big?1600000?;
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/*
printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp" O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
\\\//
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Subj: Man
In Hot Air Balloon Is Lost (S80, S329b)
From: DrRibeiro on 98-08-06
and
From: Dmswitzer1325 on 5/21/2003
(Also see 'Man
In Hot Air Balloon Is Lost' in School-Supp)
A man in a hot air balloon realized
he was lost. He reduced
altitude and spotted a man below.
He descended a bit more
and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a
friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where
I am."
The man below replied, "You are
in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above
the ground. You are between 40
and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees
west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist,
"everything you told me is
technically correct, but I have
no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is
I am still lost. Frankly, you've
not been much help so far."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't
know where you are or where
you are going. You have
risen to where you are due to a large
quantity of hot air. You
made a promise, which you have no
idea how to keep, and you expect
me to solve your problem.
The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in
before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my fault."
\\\//
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Subj: Logging
On To AOL (S412)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/10/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200410/006.htm
 |
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Subj: Programmer's
Night Before Christmas (DU)
From: smiles on 98-12-10
Twas the night before implementation
and all through the house
not a program was working, not
even a browse.
The programmers hung round their
cubes in despair
with hopes that a miracle soon
would be there.
The users were nestled all snug
in their beds
while visions of inquiries danced
in their heads.
When out of the cope there arose
such a clatter
I sprang from my desk to see
what was the matter.
And what to my wandering eyes
should appear
but a super contractor with
a six pack of beer.
His resume glowed with experience
so rare
he turned out great code with
a bit-pushers flair.
More rapid than eagles, his programs
they came -
he whistled and shouted and
called them by name;
"on update, on add, on enquire,
on delete, on batch jobs,
on closing, on function complete."
His eyes were glazed over, fingers
nimble and lean
from weekends and nights spent
in front of the screen.
A wink of his eye and a twist
of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing
dread.
He spoke not a word but went
straight to his work
turning specs into code; then
he turned with a jerk
and laying his finger upon the
enter key,
the system came up and worked
perfectly.
The updates updated, the deletes
they deleted,
the inquiries inquired, the
closing completed.
He tested each whistle, he tested
each bell,
and with nary abend, all had
gone well.
They system was finished, the
tests were concluded,
the client's last changes were
even included.
And the user exclaimed with
a snarl and a taunt,
"IT'S JUST WHAT I ASKED FOR,
BUT NOT WHAT I WANT."
\\\//
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Subj: 'Twas
the Night Before 2000' (S80)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-08-05
(See 'The
Night Before Christmas On The Computer'
in CHRISTMAS3_NBC-SUPP)
Twas the night before 2000 and
all through the tower,
applications were failing, more
by the hour.
The programs were running on
the mainframe with care,
in hope that the millennium
bug was not there.
The programmers were seated in
front of their PC's,
while visions of blank paychecks
danced in their heads.
With Amy in her office and I
at my desk,
we had just settled down for
a night with no rest.
When up on my screen there arose
such a ding,
I sprang from my chair screaming
.. "I didn't touch a thing!"
Away from my computer I ran real
quick,
tore open the drawer and picked
up a stick.
I glared at the PC, evil and
mean, then realized ...
it's just a machine.
What to my wondering eyes should
I see,
but a miniature window, and
a message for me.
With tired eyes, I gave a glance,
only hours left .. we don't
have a chance!
More rapid than eagles the languages
fell,
and we whistled, and shouted,
and called with a yell;
"Now COBOL! now, NATURAL, Batch
and On-Line!
Oh, FORTRAN! Oh SAS! Now CHORE
went flat-line!
From the front of my face, to
the face of the wall,
now bash away! bash away! bash
away all!
As the team gathered together
for one last try,
the word from management came...
"Fix it or die!"
So they sat in their chairs,
in the up-right position,
with a desk full of work, and
a nasty disposition!
And then, in a dinging, I heard
the speaker mention,
"Attention, the building, Attention."
As he tried to speak the next
word,
the crashing of the mainframe
is all we heard.
The programs were a mess, from
start to end.
My screen was tarnished with
an ugly abend.
The team assembled, into one
huge pack,
we looked like hungry wolves,
ready to attack.
Our eyes - how they twinkled!
Our fingers typed with a clank.
Fix Payroll we said,
because our paychecks are blank!
The sweat on my face was falling
like rain,
while the coding of COBOL drove
me insane!
The stump of a pencil I held
tight in my hand,
I chewed nervously, hoping I
would not get canned!
I coded some Windows and a Bridge
too,
that took a program from version
one to two.
I was tired, weak, and in a delusion
state,
and I laughed when I saw it,
in spite of fate.
A wink of his eye and a twist
of his head,
soon let me know that bug was
not dead!
It spoke not a word, but went
straight to work,
crashing the remaining programs,
then turned with a jerk.
I placed the cursor next to the
bug,
pressed the delete key to remove
the little thug.
But I heard it exclaim, as I erased the line.....
"Happy Millennium for now, 'cause I'll return in 9999!"
\\\//
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Subj: Abort,
Retry, Ignore Poem (S77)
From: ossama on 98-07-15
Once upon a midnight dreary,
Fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and
wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there,
doing spreadsheets;
Having reached the bottom line
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I
then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand:
it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself
had never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the options.
These three seemed to
be the top ones.
Clearly, now I must adopt one:
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the
keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending,
hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key ----
But on the screen what did I
see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off-guard---I
pressed again
but twice as hard
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted
by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and
paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash
of light---
A lightning bolt had cut the
night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and
die; "Oh, No, my database",
I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your
data NEVERMORE!"
To this day I do not know The
place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where
the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity, well
I fear that it goes
straight to hell
And that's the tale I have to
tell. Your choice:
"Abort, Retry,
Ignore?"
\\\//
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Subj: If Life
Were Like A Computer Poem (S300)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/7/2002
Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
Your boss is mad, your bills
not paid,
your partner, well they are
just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful
keys
that make it all reboot
You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a
new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
Well wouldn't that be lovely
if we could
Ctrl, Alt and Delete...
\\\//
-(o o)-
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(S664b)
by John Graziano From: Comics.com on 9/26/2009 |
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Letter
From Your Computer (S72)
From: auntieg on 98-06-14
You look really sexy in that...
thing you've got on tonight.
I like the way your eyes are
always open when you read your
E-mail.. When you type,
it reminds me of a concert pianist
tinkling on her keys.
You really know how to push the right
buttons to turn me on.
If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you
what "Hard Drive" really means!
But alas, I'm only a bundle of
circuits and wires, obeying
your every command. Yes
master! I'll balance your checkbook.
Yes master! I'll run your
silly little program. Don't get
me wrong... I like the Master/Slave
thing, but maybe just
once in a while you could show
some compassion?
Maybe instead of just ramming
the diskette in, you could
slide it in slowly, maybe even
blow in the slot first. And
maybe instead of just using
me and turning me off when you
are through, we could talk for
a while afterwards?
I know other computers have hurt
you in the past. But I'm
different! I may be a
little slow, but I've got a big mouse!
So come on baby, don't fight
it. You know you want it. I'll
just turn off the lights and...
and.... what?
Ok...well, will you at least think about it?
I'm so embarrassed,
Your Computer
\\\//
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Subj: Should
I Be Honest? (S69)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98
I am facing a very serious problem.
You see, I am a Vietnam-
era deserter from the U. S.
Marines, and I have a cousin who
works for Microsoft. My
mother peddles Nazi literature to
Girl Scouts and my father (a
former dentist) is in jail for
30 years for raping most of
his patients while they were
under anesthesia.
The sole supports of our large
family, including myself and
my $500-a-week heroin habit,
are my uncle (master pick-pocket,
Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old
aunt Hester (a shoplifter),
and my two kid sisters, who
are well-known streetwalkers.
My problem is this: I have just
gotten engaged to the most
beautiful, sweetest girl in
the world. She is just sweet
sixteen, and we are going to
marry as soon as she can escape
from reform school.
To support ourselves, we are
going to move to Mexico and start
a fake Aztec souvenir factory
staffed by child labor. We look
forward to bringing our kids
into the family business.
I am worried that my family will
not make a good impression
on hers. In your opinion,
Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her
about my cousin who works for
Microsoft?
\\\//
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Subj: New
Proverbs for the New Millenium (S69, S725)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98
and
From: ezines@arcamax.com on 11/16/2010
1. Home is where you hang your
@.
2. The E-mail of the species
is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand
sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse
old clicks.
5. Great groups from little
icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a
cellular phone.
7. In some places, C:\ is the
root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes
in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper
foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the
browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the
earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than
you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come
down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own
reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time
are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before
you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website
we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you
feed him for a day; teach him to
use the Net
and he won't bother you for weeks.
\\\//
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Subj: Jesus
And Satan Have Programming Contest (S66, S772)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #105 on 98-04-30
and
From: ft.apache on 11/2/2011
Jesus and Satan have an argument
as to who is the better
programmer. This goes
on for a few hours until they come
to an agreement to hold a contest,
with God as the Judge.
They set themselves before their
computers and begin.
They type furiously, lines of
code streaming up the screen,
for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the
competition, a bolt of lightning
strikes, taking out the
electricity. Moments later,
the power is restored, and
God announces that the contest
is over. He asks Satan to
show what he has come up with.
Satin is visibly upset and cries,
"I have nothing, I lost
it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then, " says God,
"let us see if Jesus fared
any better."
Jesus enters a command , and
the screen comes to life in
vivid display, the voices of
an angelic choir pours forth
from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He
stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost
everything yet Jesus' program
is Intact! How did he do it?"
God Chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus Saves."
\\\//
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Subj: Tech
Support (S105)
From: JOELFALLON on 97-11-10
and
From: TWIRL4DAYS on 99-01-28
Here's the dialog of what is
purported to be an actual
telephone converstion between
a WordPerfect user and a
former WordPerfect Customer
Support employee. Needless
to say the help desk employee
was fired; however, the
person is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization
for "termination without cause".
"May I help You?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along,
and all of a sudden the
words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?"
"What's a C-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told
you, it won't accept
anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen
on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light
that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back
of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it.
Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the
plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor,
did you notice that
there were two cables plugged
into the back of it, not
just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you
to look back there again and
find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me
if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee
on something and
lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't
have the right angle-it's
because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off,
and the only light I have
is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've
got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and
manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug
your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got
it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
\\\//
-(o o)-
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 |
Subj:
Microsoft Employee Of The Month (S484c)
From: sfo_pilot on 4/30/2006 |
You can see this JPG picture on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
-(o o)-
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 |
Smiley eats his computer from
Smiley_Central |