(Includes 44 jokes and articles, 05 1038,6,cf,wYT3a4,3)
Billy'S MovinG PictureS
Subj: Tundra Comics (S1038)
Created by Chad Carpenter
Connecting To AOL (S412b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/13/2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
You can view this silly animated
GIF of an opening AOL
screen by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Email Fraud (S219)
From: RFSlick on 4/7/2001
(See 'Urban Legend Exposed' and 'Cookies' in FACTS3)
1. Big companies don't do business
via chain letters and
there are no computer programs that track how many times
an e-mail is forwarded, let alone by whom. Bill Gates is
not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a
free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing
class action checks.
2. Proctor and Gamble is not
part of a satanic cult or
scheme, and its logo is not satanic.
3. MTV will not give you backstage
passes if you forward
something to the most people.
4. The Gap is not giving away
free clothes. You can relax;
there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true."
5. There is no kidney theft
ring in New Orleans. No one is
waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of
a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are
bent on believing the kidney theft ring stories, see:
And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has
repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ
thieves to come forward and tell their stories." None
have. That's "none" as in "zero." Not even your
6. Neiman Marcus doesn't really
sell a $200 cookie recipe.
And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you
don't, you can get a copy at:
Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are
that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.
7. If the latest NASA rocket
disaster(s) DID contain
plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern
seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would
reach the public via an AOL chain letter?
8. There is no "Good Times"
virus. In fact, you should
never, ever, ever forward any email containing any
virus warning unless you first confirm that an actual
site of an actual company that actually deals with
And even then, don't forward it. We don't care. And
you cannot get a virus from a flashing IM or email,
you have to download it.... ya know, like, a FILE!
9. There is no gang initiation
plot to murder any motorist
who flashes headlights at another car driving at night
10. If you still absolutely MUST
forward that 10th
generation message from a friend, at least have the
decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing
everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months.
(Think Cut and Paste) It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid
of all the ">>>.." that begin each line either. Besides,
if it has gone around that many times we've probably
already seen it.
11. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood,
or Sherman, etc.) in
England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this
time and would like everyone to stop sending him their
business cards. He apparently is no longer a "little
12. The "Make a Wish" foundation
is a real organization
doing fine work, but they have had to establish a
special toll free hot line in response to the large
number of Internet hoaxes using their good name and
reputation. It is distracting them from the important
work they do.
Also, the American Cancer Society does not give 3 cents
for each person you forward e-mail to. They ask for
you to donate money, money, they don't give it, as if
they could know how many e-mails you sent out...sheesh.
13. If you are one of those insufferable
people who forwards
anything that "promises" something bad will happen if
you "don't", then something bad will happen to you if I
ever meet you in a dark alley.
14. Women really are suffering
in Afghanistan, but forwarding
an e-mail won't help their cause in the least. If you
want to help, contact your local legislative represent-
ative, or get in touch with Amnesty International or the
15. As a general rule, e-mail
"signatures" are easily faked
and mean nothing to anyone with any power to do anything
about whatever the competition is complaining about.
16. KFC really does use real
Chickens with feathers and beaks
and feet. No, they really do. Why did they change their
name? In this health conscious world, what was KFC's
name? Kentucky FRIED Chicken. FRIED is not healthy. So
with the help of a focus group, they changed the name to
KFC. It's short, doesn't offend dieters and it's easy to
17. Another thing, just because
someone said in a message,
four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's
legit," does not actually make it true.
PS: There is no bill pending
before Congress that will allow
long distance companies to charge you for using the
Internet. Bottom Line...composing e-mail or posting
something on the Net is as easy as writing on the walls
of a public rest room. Don't automatically believe it
until it's proven false... ASSUME it's false, unless
there is proof that it's true.
Now copy, paste, and send this
to everyone you know or the
program I just put on your hard drive while you read this
E-mail will open up your CD-ROM and reach out and slap you
upside the head
Subj: Cleaning Your Computer (S218)
From: RFSlick on 4/3/2001
When a guy's printer type began
to grow faint, he called a
local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the
printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store
charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be
better off reading the printer's manual and trying the
Pleasantly surprised by his candor,
he asked, "Does your boss
know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea,"
the employee replied
sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let
people try to fix things themselves first."
Subj: The Start Of The Internet (S181, S388)
From: WSelwa ob 7/19/00
(Also see 'The Origin Of The Internet' in COMPUTER2)
A BIBLICAL STORY
An old, bearded shepherd with
a crooked staff, walks up to a
stone pulpit and says...
And, 'lo it came to pass that
the trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And,
Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was called Amazon Dot Com. And, she said unto
Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to
town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving
And, Abraham did look at her
as though she were several saddle
bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And,
Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they
will reply telling you which hath the best price. And, the
sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony
Abraham thought long and decided
he would let Dot have her way
with the drums. And, Dot said, "There will be a lot of
drumming in the land". And, Abraham replied, "It is my most
fervent wish that this be so".
And, the drums rang out and were
an immediate success. Abraham
sold all the goods he had at the top price without ever moving
from his tent. But, his success did arouse envy. A man named
Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was
accused of insider trading.
And, the young did take to Dot
Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And, 'lo the land was so feverish
with joy at the new riches and
the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real
riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates,
who bought up every drum company in the land. And, indeed did
insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother
And, Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham,
what we have started is being
taken over by others". And, as Abraham looked out over the Bay
of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known as "eBay", he said, "We
need a name of a service that reflects what we are". And, Dot
replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators". "Whoopie!"
said Abraham. "Nah, YAHOO," replied Dot Com.
Subj: 4 Monkeys 'Posting No Evil' - 6 Photos (S896d)
From: Laney Huda on Facebook
Drawing removed from GainingAgeButLosingMind
I sent this list out a year
ago, but the list below is a
1. You just tried to enter your
password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of 3.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time
to eat. He E-mails you back from his bedroom,
"What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South
Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door
neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle
soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of
your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if anyone is home.
10. You buy a computer, and 6 months later it is out of
date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you
didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is
cause for panic, and you turn around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make
a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast
food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is
that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider 2nd-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multicolored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get an awful feeling,
as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go on-line before getting
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check
your E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. Every commercial on television has a web-site address
at the bottom of the screen.
24. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
25. You're reading this.
26. Even worse: you're going to forward it to someone else.
27. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but
you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
28. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
29. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't
a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Subj: Computer Gender? (S152, S609b)
From: RFSlick on 12/24/1999
and From: tom on 9/6/2008
(Also see 'Six Reasons Computers Must Be Female:' in COMPUTER1)
A language instructor was explaining
to her class that French
nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically
designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or
"pencil," she described, would have a gender association
although in English, these words were neutral. Puzzled, one
student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the
class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer
should be masculine, or feminine. One group was composed of
the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups
were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded
that computers should be referred
to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but
half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you
had waited a little longer, you could have had a better
The men, on the other hand, decided
that computers should
definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Subj: Computer Prayer (S139)
From: RFSlick on 09/27/1999
As I'm laying here in bed
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running through my head
God bless my mom and dad
And bless my little pup
And look out for my brother
When things aren't looking up
And God, there's one more thing
I wish that you could do
Hope you don't mind me asking
But please bless my computer too?
Now I know that's not normal
To bless a mother board
But just listen a second
While I explain to you 'My Lord'
You see, that little metal box
Holds more to me than odds ? ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest a hundred of my 'BEST FRIENDS'
Some it's true I've never seen
And most I've never met
We've never exchanged hugs
Or shared a meal as yet....
I know for sure they like me
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Is how I travel to where they live
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
I share in what life brings them
From that our friendship grew
"PLEASE" Take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless this scrap of metal
That's filled with so much love!
Subj: The Computer Prayer II (S340b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/29/2003
Our Morning Prayer . . .
Our Hard Drive
Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus,
Forever and Ever,
Understanding Computer Jargon
From: ICohen on 6/29/99
Drawing from Flickr.com
This joke is large enough that
it needs to be a
seperate file. Click 'HERE' to view it.
Subj: CS Class (S122)
From: ossama on 5/9/99
For a computer programming class,
I sat directly across from someone,
and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into
the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our
computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and
started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She
called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed,
nothing would happen.
The teacher tried everything.
By this time I was hiding behind my
monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.
Then I typed, "I said leave me
alone!" The kid got really upset. "I
didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep
from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000
went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.
Finally, I couldn't contain myself
any longer and fell out of my
chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both
turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
Subj: Bill Gates Discusses Coke (S117)
From: smiles on 4/29/99
After the recent Anti-trust hearings,
Bill Gates recently
compared the software market with the soft drink market.
He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the
beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department
of Justice doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be
careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a
scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big Mac.
Cashier: Okay, here's your Big
Mac and here's your Coke.
That'll be $3.99.
Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke.
Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled.
Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!
Cashier: You don't; the Coke is free.
Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
Cashier: Sure, but this latest
Big Mac is far more
innovative. It's got integrated Coke!
Joe: I already bought a Snapple
across the street...
I'm not going to drink the Coke.
Cashier: Then you can't have the burger.
Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.
Cashier: Oh, you can't do that.
integrated. Totally inseparable.
Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate things!
Cashier: No, watch. (takes
Big Mac, dunks it in a tank
of Coke) See?
Joe: Why did you just do that?!
Cashier: It's a benefit to the
consumer. Otherwise you'd
end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way
you're assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.
Subj: If Error Messages Were In Haiku (S114, S368)
From: Tom_Adams on 4/8/99
and From: Imogenelumen on 2/12/2004
(See 'Computer Haiku' in POETEY)
Sony has announced its own computer
operating system now
available on its hot new palmtop PC called the Vaio. Instead
of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of
Microsoft's Windows 98, 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems,
Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the
high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has
been - until now - an operating system that reflects Western
cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the
impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our
own Japanese haiku poetry."
In haiku poetry, each with only
17 syllables: five in the
first line, seven in the second, five in the third.
Some examples of the new HAIKU
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?
Subj: Technology For Country Folk (S108, S322b)
From: auntieg on 99-02-11
and From: christyhenning on 3/26/2003
(See the graphics version in COMPUTERS2 file)
Subj: The Importance Of Correct E-Mail Addresses (S220b)
From: KMACINTY on 2/7/2001
Moved to 'Man E-Mails His Wife' in Computers3
Subj: Short Computer Jokes
Subj: Old Couple Gets A Computer-Cartoon (S388b)
From: Imogenelumen on 7/2/2004
Subj: ID Ten T Error (S274c, S763)
From: tom on 3/11/2009
and From: sam.hutkins on 8/19/2011
Young Judy was having trouble with her computer, so she
called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony
clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he
was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was
He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."
A puzzled expression came over
Judy's face. "An ID Ten
What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Tony gave her a grin. "Haven't
you ever heard of an ID
Ten T Error before?"
"No," replied Judy.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
She wrote... I D 1 0 T.
Subj: Growth In Sales Of Wyse Computers (S271)
From: jerry on 4/10/2002
Why marketing people must be forced to take math courses.
Bonehead award three.
Stephen Yeo, marketing director
at PC terminal
manufacturer Wyse, explaining his company's growth
strategy: "We've been doubling sales every 18 months.
However, when you start from zero, it takes a long time."
Indeed it does. Seems like forever.
Subj: Virtual Keyboard (S270)
From: jerry on 3/26/2002
Want to see something that is way cool?
A virtual keyboard was unveiled
by Siemens at the
CeBIT computer fair in Hanover, Germany. The device,
manufactured by VKB Inc., a company in Israel, uses
a projector to display an image of a keyboard on a
flat surface and detects user interaction with the
surface so, voila, you have a virtual keyboard. It
also simulates a mouse pad.
It's perfect for mobile phones,
laptops, PDAs or even
sterile medical environments.
The article has a must-see picture.
Subj: Exploding Computers (S261b)
From: jerry on 1/30/2002
A Wellington, New Zealand, city councilor will probably
keep his computer behind a brick wall when he uses it
ever since the CD ROM exploded out of the family computer,
flying more than 6 feet (2 meters) across the room.
"It sounded just like a .22 (rifle).
The front of the CD
drive blew out and the CD came out after it."
Turns out that excessive vibrations
caused by minute
cracks and heat in a CD, turning at 48x (7,200 kps) can
cause such an explosion.
The Evening Post (New Zealand)
via Stuff.co.nz 28-Jan-02
Technology For Country Folk II(S362b)
..........From: Imogenelumen on 1/3/2004
Subj: Amish Virus (S223)
From: KMACINTY on 5/8/2001
You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no
electricity or computers, you are on the honor system.
Please delete all of the files on your hard drive.
Then forward this message to everyone in your address book.
Subj: Polish Virus (S186)
From: KMACINTY on 08/24/2000
You have just received the "Polish Virus"!!! As we don't
have any programming experience, this virus works on the
honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard
drive, then manually forward this virus to everyone on
your mailing list. Thanks for your cooperation.
Subj: Bobbit Virus (S186)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-12
Have you heard there is a new computer virus going around.
It is called the Bobbit virus. It turns your hard drive
into a floppy drive.
Subj: Other Viruses Explained (S279b)
From: JBCARY1 on 6/2/2002
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Sucks all of the memory out of your computer,
then emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB,
then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the
Your whole computer goes down.
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows.
Subj: Young Man Wanted To Be A Writer (S179)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/7/00
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great,
he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will
read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional
level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain
He now works for Microsoft writing
Back in the mid to late 80's,
an IBM compatible computer
wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it
could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
The "save" icon on Microsoft
Word shows a floppy disk,
with the shutter on backwards.
Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.
Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote
programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would
have destroyed civilization.
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-12
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any
invention in human history with the possible exceptions
of handguns and tequila."
Mitch Ratliffe, _Technology Review_ April, 1992
From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right
wrench to pound in the correct screw.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #4 on 98-01-04
Men are like computers...
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
Mental backup in progress -Do Not Disturb!
From: RFSlick on 98-08-25
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
Old programmers never die. They just terminate and
From: RFSlick on 98-12-09 (S218)
and From: JBCARY1 on 4/5/2001
I often wonder: What do people mean when they say
the computer went down on me? -- Marilyn Pittman
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 on 99-02-06
I have a computer, a vibrator, ? pizza delivery.
Why should I leave the house?
From: RFSlick on 3/10/2001 (S215)
My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what
she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
From: wselwa on 8/14/2001 (S237)
"Net boy, Net girl, send your impulse 'round the world,
put your message in a modem, and throw it in the cyber sea".
Virtuality - Rush
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/13/2002
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach him to use the Internet and he won't
bother you for weeks. -- Anonymous