(Includes 82 jokes and articles, 20 1027n,6,cf,wYT2,4)
"Here" for Drinking-Supp
Happy Hour from
Also see ACCIDENTS1 - 'Fun
With Beer And Guns'
AUSTRALIAN - 'The Great Aussie Love Poem'
BALLS file - 'Woman Ties Ribbon To Scrotum'
BAR1 file - 'Shoe Sunday Comic Strip'
......................- 'Man Helps Drunk Lady Walk Home'
......................- (see whole set of files)
BAR2 file - 'Drunk Refused Drink At Bar'
......................- 'Two Guys In Bar Discuss Wives'
BAR2 file - 'Drunk Refused Drink At Bar'
......................- 'Two Husbands In Bar Discuss 'Going Home''
BIRDS-PARROTS- 'Parrots - Whassup Video'
BUGS-ETC - 'Lessons Learned From Worms'
CANDY file - 'A Chocolate Flavored Penis'
CATHOLIC file- 'A Drunk Enters The Confessional'
DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Power Pole Death'
......................- 'Dying At A Metallica Concert'
DOCTOR2 file - 'Man's First Visit To Proctologist'
DOCTOR3 file - 'Heart Attacks'
DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Three Ill Men See The Doctor'
DRINKINGBEER1- 'Bloke Orders Five Pints'
......................- (see whole file)
DRINKINGBEER2- 'Nortel vs. Budweiser'
......................- 'FDA Warnings'
......................- 'Norm Peterson, from the TV show Cheers!'
DWARVES file - '3 Drinks In Dwarf Costumes' - Video
ELDERLY4 file- 'Happy Old Man In Rocking Chair'
FACTS4 file - 'Russian Truck Driver Drown In Beer'
......................- 'Six People Injured In Moscow'
FISHING1 file- 'Drunk Goes Ice Fishing'
FISHING2 file- 'Redneck Fisherman Sees Snake'
FOOD_ETC2 - 'Drunk Tells Woman She Is Single'
FROG file - 'What Does A Frog Say?'
GAMES-SUPP - 'The German Game DrunkWalk'
GAY file - 'Drunk Is Sexually Abused'
GHOST file - 'Drunk Walks Past Hospital'
GOLF3 file - 'Three Deaf Retirees Play Golf'
GRAVEYARD - 'Two Women Pee In A Graveyard'
HALLOWEEN - 'Drunk In The Pumpkin Patch'
HANDICAPPED - 'Man With No Arms Or Legs Has A Beer'
......................- 'Blind Man Has Beer At Texas Bar'
HARLEY file - 'Drunk Insults Biker In Bar'
HEADLINES/ADS- 'Irish Personal Ads'
HEAVEN2 file - 'Tom Woke-Up In Heaven'
HOOKER file - 'Lumberjack Goes To A Brothel'
HOTEL file - 'Drunk Asks When The Bar Opens'
INDIAN file - 'Two Drunks In A Car And The Indian'
.........IRISH2 file - 'Drunk Irishman Staggers Home'
......................- 'Irish Prayer'
......................- 'Irish Looses Luggage In Airport'
.........JOBS1 file - 'Reasons For Allowing Drinking At Work'
.........JOBS2 file - 'Worker Dies In Scaffolding Fall'
JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'The Brewery'
LAWYER2 file - 'Bubba Calles His Lawyer'
.........Leprichaun - 'Drunk Wakes Up With Amnesia'
.........LIES file - 'How To Win Arguments'
MAILMAM-ETC - 'Playing "Who Am I"'
MARRIAGE2 - 'Husband Comes Home And Asks For A Beer'
MARRIAGE3 - 'Drunk Performs Oral Sex With His Wife'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Marty Wakes Up With Hangover'
......................- 'Husband Comes Home Drunk Every Night From The Bar'
......................- 'Two Drunks At A Bar w/Ice Cubes'
MEN1 file - 'Saving Grandfather's Clock'
MEN4 file - 'The Homeless Man'
MONKEY file - 'I.B.C. Rootbeer Commercial'
MOVIES-SUPP2 - 'I Love Jesus, But I Drink A Little'
NUNS2 file - 'Dying Mother Superior'
OTH-ANIM-SUP2- 'Jungle Juice' - Video
REDNECK3 - 'Two Rednecks And The Roadblock'
.........PEANUTS file - 'Guy Hears Voices In A Bar'
.........POLICE1 file - 'Policeman, And The Drunk They Couldn't Test'
......................- 'Drunk Outside The Bar And The Cop'
POLICE2 file - 'Drunk Follows Woman'
POLICE-SUPP - '3 Ways To Fail A Drunk Test'
POLISH file - 'Irish, Italian And Polish Discuss Best Bar'
PREACHER file- 'Bishop Declines Tea And Coffee'
......................- 'Drunk Is Ready To For Jesus'
PSYCH-SUPP - 'The Best Medicine'
RATS AND MICE- 'Guinness And The Mouse'
.........REDNECK3 file- 'Redneck Birthday Cake'
RIDDLE-SUPP - 'A What Am I Riddle #25'
RIDDLE-SUPP2 - 'A Dangerous Ride'
RUSSIAN file - 'Russian Pees Vodka'
SCOTTISH file- 'The Drunken Scotsman With Lyrics' - Song/Video
SEX1 file - 'Sex Doggy Style II'
SOUTHERN file- 'Boudreaux And Band-Aids'
THOU-LND-SUPP- 'Inner Peace'
Subj: Johnnie Walker - Dear Brother (S991d)
Created by Dorian and Daniel
From: AFine963 on 1/7/2015
.......Click 'HERE' to see this very touching ad.
Beer And Brain Cells (S94, S552)
From: thebartend on 98-08-24
and From: jbcary1 on 8/19/2007
Native American Rhymes
In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff
Clavin is seated at the
bar describing the 'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm. You
can read his theory by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: New Wines From Wal-mart (S421b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 2/11/2005
Wal-mart in US is going to start
selling wine. Some Wal-mart
customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item:
Wal-mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain
is teaming up with E and J Gallo Winery of Modesto,California,
to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5
While wine connoisseurs may not
be inclined to throw a bottle
of Wal-mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a
market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of
marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. "The
right name is important."
So, here we go:
The top 12 suggested names for Wal-mart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau Des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is
that it can be served with
both white meat (possum) and red meat (squirrel).
Subj: Difficult To Say When Drunk (S305b)
From: RFSlick on 12/3/2002
Subject: Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Indubitably, Innovative, Preliminary, Proliferation, Cinnamon,
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity, Cogito ergo sum,
British Constitution, Passive-
aggressive disorder, Loquacious, Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex;
Nope, I don't want another drink;
Sorry, but you're not really my type;
No kebab for me, thank you;
Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
I'm not interested in fighting you;
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing!
Subj: Toasts (S242)
From: RFSlick on 9/16/2001
Use these next time you are toasting a drink with friends:
Here's health to your enemies' enemies!
Here's to the women who love
May they soon improve.
May you have the hindsight to
know where you've been
the foresight to know where you're going
and the insight to know when you're going too far.
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!
On the chest of a barmaid in
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille!
"There are many good reasons
And one just entered my head
If a man can't drink while he's living
How the hell can he drink when he's dead!"
May those who love us love us.
And those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.
Here's to living single and drinking double!
Here's to Eve, the Mother of
She wore her fig leaf in the proper place.
Here's to Adam, Father of us all,
He knew just where to be,
When the leaves began to fall . . .
Subj: Coming Home After Week End Binge (S233, S631c)
From: KMACINTY on 7/17/2001
and From: sam.hutkins on 2/5/2009
A man left work one Friday afternoon.
But - being payday -
instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend
partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.
When he finally appeared at home
on Sunday night he was
confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for
nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the
nagging and simply said to
him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two
or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine
Monday went by and he didn't
see his wife. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went
down just enough where
he could see her a little out of the corner of his left
Subj: Older Lady Has Drink On Ship (S217, S717)
From: flovilla on 3/23/2001
A woman is in the bar of a cruise
ship and asks the bartender
for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives
her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my
80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says, "Well,
since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact,
this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink,
the woman to her right says,
"I would like to buy you a drink too." The old woman says,
"Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of
water." "Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the
man to her left says, "I would
like to buy you one too. The old women says, "Thank you.
Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of
water." "Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives
her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny,
when you're my age, you learn
how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other
Subj: Women's And Men's Type Based On Drinks (S145)
From: icohen on 11/08/1999
Seven New York City bartenders
were asked if they could nail
a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though
interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
IF WOMEN DRINK:
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send
YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include
white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing
into the conversation.
Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated,
actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.
IF MEN DRINK -As always, very simple and clear cut.
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid
Guinness : The man is a rapist
and will get laid one way
Wine: He's hoping that the wine
thing will give him a
sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny
hound, would shag a warm
scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port : Thinks he's sophisticated,
secretly likes men and
wants to get laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two
shits about anything and will
hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine
as the whisky drinker,
knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet
etc.)to weasel himself into getting laid.
Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc: He's GAY.
Subj: "Strange" Cuckoo Clock (134, S658)
From: KMacinty on 8/23/99
Just after I got married, I was
invited out for a night
with "the boys."
I told the missus that I would
be home by midnight ...
promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog
was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m., full as a boot,
I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the
cuckoo clock started, and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake
up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of
myself, having the quick wittedness -- even when smashed
-- to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked
me what time I got in and I
told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed
a new cuckoo clock. When
I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said
'dang it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed
another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice
Subj: Drunk Needs A Push (S133, S631)
From: thebartend on 8/19/99, and 12/4/2003
and From: gattica30 on 2/7/2009
A man is in bed with his wife
when there is a rat-a-tat-
tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock,
and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at
this time," he thinks, and
rolls over. A louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to
answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of
bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is
man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner
long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past
three. I was in bed." says
the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells
his wife what happened
and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember
that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to
pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock
on that man's house to get us started again? What would
have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the
wife. "He needs our help
and it would be the right thing to do."
So the husband out of bed again,
gets dressed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see
the stranger anywhere he shouts "Hey, do you still want a
push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see
the stranger he shouts
"Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
Subj: Bum Asks For Two Dollars (S127)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/1/99
A bum asks a man for two dollars.
The man says, "If I give you
the money, will you just use it to
The bum says no.
The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum again says no.
Then the man asks, "Then will
you come home with me so my wife
can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Subj: Drunk Pulled Over By Irish Cop (S109, S678b)
From: DoctorDebt on 2/18/2004
and From: AFine963 on 1/10/2010
A drunk is driving through the
city and his car is weaving
violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs
the drunk. "Well," says the
cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop,
standing straight and folding
his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the
drunk. "For a minute there,
I thought I'd gone deaf."
Subj: The Ant (S414b)
From: JokesUncut on 1/6/2005
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj: Lady Prefers Sherry To Port (S76)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #172 on 98-07-1
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful
young girl in an exclusive
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon
discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and
apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he
began showing her his collection of expensive paintings,
first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass
He asked whether she preferred
Port or Sherry and she said,
"Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods.
Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a
glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed
and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It
seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my
whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins
being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into
"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
Subj: Drunk Irishman Falls Down Leaving Bar (S69, S469)
From: thebartend on 98-05-27 and 1/13/2006
(Also see 'The Drunk Goes Home' in HANDICAPPED)
An Irishman's been drinking at
a pub all night. When he stands
up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one
more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe
that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure
enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to
crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door,
he stands up and falls flat on
his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When
he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This
time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls
right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits
He awakens the next morning to
his wife standing over him,
shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
Subj: Young Man Knows His Wines
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
The young man was on his first
date with the gorgeous young
woman and decided to impress her with his abilities in wine
tasting. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985
Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from their Carneros district
vineyard. Upon tasting the wine, the young man scolded the
wine steward, "This is obviously a 1987 vintage from their N.
Coast vineyards near Calistoga, please bring me what I
ordered." As the second bottle was poured, the eonophile
tasted the wine and proclaimed, "No, no, no, this is a 1985
all right, but it's from their Mt. Helena vineyards!"
An old drunk sat watching the
display from the bar and
staggered over to the couple's table. He said, "Wow, that's
an impressive talent you have there, can you tell me what's
in this glass?" Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to
impress his date, the young man tasted the liquid in the
drunk's glass. "Geez, that tastes like urine!" the fellow
yelped, as he spit the mouthful out. "That's right!"
exclaimed the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."
Subj: 25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
From: mbucher on 98-03-02
'Reasons For Allowing Drinking At Work'
A couple of drinkin' buddies,
airplane mechanics, are in the
hanger at San Francisco International; it's fogged in and
they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other,
"Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah, but I hear you can drink
jet fuel - that'll kinda give
you a buzz."
So they do, get smashed and have
a beautiful time; like only
drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them
wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up.
But It doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels
great - NO hangover!
The phone rings and it's his
buddy. The buddy says, "Hey,
how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!, and
the buddy says, "I feel great
too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No - that
jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"Did you fart yet?"
"Did you FART yet??"
"No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"
Subj: The Different Levels Of Drunkenness
From: TheBartend on 97-07-12
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get
up to leave because you have work the next day and one of
your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED
friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come
on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of
sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just
spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get
up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears
on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out
with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are
the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep
(snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You
have just spent twenty minutes arguing FOR artificial turf.
And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen! "At level three, you love the world.
On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger
at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You
get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought
our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do
it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that
devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you
are thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get
three hours sleep... and a complete change of blood (snaps
fingers), I'm cool.".
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last
call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE
artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom,
you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because
you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our
busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and
your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown
out, and one of you knows an... after hours bar. And here,
at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well... as
long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I
may as well... STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good
for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking
like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it
work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep
Five in the morning, after unsuccessfully trying to get
your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even
know anybody named Ruby!!! "), you and your friends wind
up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been
in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind
of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn
in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch
with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all
drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something
from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches
comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna
marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and
screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out.
You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part
of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were
you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight,
and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And
they look at you-and they know. And they say... "Who's
Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all
night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night,
but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flash-
light. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will
never do this again (how long?) as long as I live! "And
some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I
Subj: Hangover Ratings (S210)
From: thebartend on 2/4/2001
1 star hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness.
Your sleep last night
was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of
misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can
drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving
a steak bomber and a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely
amiss. You may look
okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The
coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake
breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your
3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels
crappy. You are definitely
not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because
her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did
with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at
1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in
your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching
the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke --
yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing
and you can't speak too
quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture
for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot
shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one
big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject
from the class picture of Revere High, '76.
5 star hangover (*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in
your head which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka
vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the
ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating
you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely
don't remember who you were with, where you were, what
you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in
your bed at your house.
6 star hangover (******) otherwise
known as the
You wake up on your bathroom
floor. For about 2 seconds
you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing
feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke
from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as
drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you
the next morning....You try to lift your head. Not an
option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only
to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair,
and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra
lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you
smoked them like it was your second full time job. You
look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp
"Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead...... that
explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has
magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis.
You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32
seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is
your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.
Subj: The Official Drinking Scale
From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98
0 Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1 Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2 Lager warming up head. Crisps
Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3 Crossword in newspaper is filled
in. After a while blanks
are filled with random letters and numbers.
4 Barmaid complimented on choice
of bra. Partially visible
when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate
conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of
crisps one by one.
5 Have brilliant discussion with
bloke at bar. Devise fool-
proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out English tennis
problems. Agree people are same world over except for
the bloody Tasmanians.
6 Feel like a Demi-God. Map out
rest of life on beer-mat.
Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and
tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her
you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
7 Send drinks over to woman sitting
at table with boy-
friend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on
five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room.
Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.
8 Some slurring. Offer to buy
drinks for everyone in room.
Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them
one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9 Head-ache kicks in. Pint tastes
off. Send it back. Pint
comes back tasting same. Say "thats much better". Fight
nausea by trying to play Pub Mastermind for ten minutes
before seeing out of order sign.
10 Some doubling of vision. Stand
on table shouting abuse
at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who
you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall
over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice
oozing head wound.
11 Speech no longer possible.
Eventually manage to find
door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in
pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass
12 Put in minicab by somebody.
Give home address. Taken
home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given
address of Burnley Football Club. Generally pleased at
way evening has gone. Pass out again.
Subj: Short Drinking Jokes
The Morning After (S462d)
From: darrell94590 on 11/30/2005
Subj: Men And Women On Wine (S207)
From: KMACINTY on 1/16/2001
Woman on Men and Wine:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the
dark until they mature into something with which you'd
like to have dinner with."
Man on Women and Wine:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh,
fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-
bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and
give you a headache."
Cute Drunk Talk - WAV (S453b in Police1)
From: Song Wav's on 9/22/2005
..........Source: (Removed from new.wavlist.com)
You can listen to this cute sound
track by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Drinking T-Shirt
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #187
Saw a guy at the pharmacy with a T-shirt that said:
Out Drinking With Lady Friends
From: darrell94590 on 9/9/2005 (S451)
Law of Drunkenness
You can't fall off the floor.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #218 on 98-09-15
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker,
especially if you're trying to get drunk.
When you're drunk the floor is
your best friend
because it's always there for you.
From: Bawdy.Net #278 on 99-01-15
Would you like a gin and platonic or
would you rather have a scotch and sofa?
From: ossama on 99-01-27 (S105)
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 on 99-02-06
A man is at home with his wife. He gets up and says,
"Right, I'm off to the pub - put your coat on."
"Where are we going?" she asks.
"You're not going anywhere",
he says, "I'm turning
the heating off."
From: TA989287 on 09/11/1999 (S137)
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
From: pns on 3/30/2001 (S218)
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was
my blood alcohol content.
From: humorlist-digest V1 #209 on 97-09-27
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
drunk are walking down the street together when they
simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets
it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are
From: dogbyte on 2/13/2002 (S264)
I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a
drink, and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #267 on 98-08-21
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity
to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/17/2002
"People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told
that sorrow knows how to swim." -- Ann Landers