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Subj:   Drinking Beer1
             (Includes 29 jokes and articles, 11983,15,cf,wXT2,12)

Beer Drinking Alien
from
Millanimations
.
Includes the following:  The Three Stooges' Curly And Strong Drink - Video (S942)
.........................Bud Light Super Bowl Ad - Real Life PacMan - Video (S942)
.........................Russian Beer Ad #1 - Video (S506c)
.........................How About A Beer? (S105, S717)
.........................Russian Beer Ad #2 - Video (S506c)
.........................Man Sues Bush (S415b)
.........................Carlton Draught's Big Ad (S493b)
.........................Bloke Orders Five Pints (S271c)
.........................VB Stubby Symphony - Video (S567, S875)
.........................Last 12,000 Years Of History (S460b)
.........................Foreign Beer Commercial - Video (S563b)
.........................Free Beer On Internet!! (S434)
.........................Draft Beer Dispensing System - Video (S983)
.........................New Date Rape Drink (S274b, S469b)
.........................Hydrogen Beer (S168)
.........................Beer's Place In History (S98)
.........................Beer And Brain Cells (S82, S612)
.........................DrSeus on Beer - Drawing (S393)
.........................The "BEER ME" Diet (S82)
.........................Free Beer! (S264c)
.........................Penny Beer (S230)
.........................World's Best Beer (S37, S448b)
.........................Beer Temperature Tester (S453b)
.........................Beer And Ice Cream Diet (S40)
.........................Beer Launching Frig - Video (S535)
.........................Two Guys In Life Boat Find Genie (S241)
.........................How To Drink Five Beers At Once (S542b)
.........................Beer In Space (S39)
.........................Miller Beer Ad (S588c)
.........................Bier Study (S561b)
.........................How Bad Do You Want A Beer? (S591b)

Also see ARTIST-SUPP  - 'Beer Can Model Cars'
         BOTTLE_CAPS  - 'Vermont's Magic Hat Brewery Bottle Cap Slogans'
......................- (The Whole File)
         JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'The Brewery'
         BIRDS-PARROTS- 'Parrots - Whassup Video'
         HOSPITAL-SUPP- 'Ripley's Believe It Or Not'
         HOWTO file   - 'Bud Light Pick-up Line' - Video
         MONKEY file  - 'I.B.C. Rootbeer Commercial'
         MOVIES file  - 'Beer Stand'
         SuperHeroes  - 'Superfriends Wazzup' - Video

============================================================Top
Subj:     The Three Stooges' Curly And Strong Drink (S942d)
          From: Liz McCluskey Barber on Facebook
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/fYPkNhKTwD4
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..........
.
..........Click 'HERE' to watch Curly have a strong drink.
.
.
Top
Subj:     Bud Light Super Bowl Ad - Real Life PacMan
          Created by Bud Light (S942d)
          From: The Tonight Show w/Jimmy Fallon
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/g9A1NowrnGI
.
This is the Bud Light Super Bowl XLIX - Real
Life PacMan Commercial.  In a #UpForWhatever
messages on Bud Light bottles, you might get
led into a real-life game of PacMan like this
Bud Light fan.  Click 'HERE' to see this great ad.
.
Top
Subj:     Russian Beer Ad #1 (S506c,d in Russian)
          From: auntiegah on 10/3/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/h1c1hZio-mA

 Click 'HERE' to see this short, cute, hot Russian commercial.

Top
Subj:     How About A Beer? (S105, S717)
          From: thebartend on 99-01-27

 It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to
 dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick
 up some dry cleaning.  "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to
 herself as she walked down Main street.

 She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked
 in and took a seat at the bar.  The bartender came up and
 asked her what she would like to drink.

 "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself
 zee cold beer."

 The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

 Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer
 pecker?"

Top
Subj:     Russian Beer Ad #2 (S506c,d in Russian)
          From: auntiegah on 10/3/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/-6w71XVtRj0

 Click 'HERE' to see this Russian Beer Commercial (Blonde Arm Wrestler).

Top
Subj:     Man Sues Bush (S415b)
          From: igiggle on 1/1/2005

 A beer-loving man sued Anheuser-Busch for $100,000, claiming
 false advertising and failure to deliver on its promise.
 The man stated that regardless of how much Bud Light he
 drank, bikini-clad women showering affection on him never
 materialized like the commercials implied.  To top it off,
 he claimed that drinking beer sometimes made him sick.  He
 sued for "emotional distress" brought on by Anheuser-Busch's
 failure to provide "unrestricted merriment."  The court ruled
 that no matter how much beer he'd had, he still didn't have
 a case.

 Snopes.com has no reference to this case so this is probably
 Urban Legend.

Top
Subj:     Carlton Draught's Big Ad (S493b,d)
          From: chrisdaddygon 7/5/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/_wM2c3WtDjQ
.
..........
.
..........This Carlton beer ad is big.  If you are
..........a beer fan, you will enjoy this majestic
..........commercial.  Click 'HERE' to view.
.
Top
Subj:     Bloke Orders Five Pints (S271c)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 21 Oct 97

 A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders
 five pints.  The barman gives him an odd look since the
 bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and
 lines them up on the bar.  The bloke downs them....One, Two,
 Three, Four, Five.  He finishes the last one and calls to
 the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!"

 The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar.
 The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four.  He belches
 loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more
 pints.  One after the other, he knocks them back....One,
 Two, Three.

 "Two pintsh, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two
 pints in front of him.  Down they go....One, Two.  As the
 bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One
 pint, mate."  So the barman fills the glass.  The bloke
 sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to
 focus.  He looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh
 a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."

Top
Subj:     VB Stubby Symphony (S567d, S875)
          From: rfslick on 11/29/2007
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/CVVbrwY8kIg

 Some of Melbourne's top musicians play in an advertisement
 for Victoria Bitter, Australia's favorite full-strength
 beer.  You can view this Australian, beer commercial by
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Last 12,000 Years Of History (S460b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/5/2005 and 11/23/2005

 History began some 12,000 years ago.

 Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
 hunter/gathers.  They lived on deer in the mountains during
 the summer and, would go to the coast and live on fish and
 lobster in winter.

 The 2 most important events in all of history were the
 invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.  The
 wheel was invented to get men to the beer.

 These were the foundation of modern civilization and together
 were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct
 subgroups:  Liberals and Conservatives.

 Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the
 beginning of agriculture.

 Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
 so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting
 for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

 That's how villages were formed.  Some men spent their days
 tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were
 drinking beer.  This was the beginning of what is known as "the
 Conservative movement."

 Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned
 to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly
 B-B-Q's doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing.  This
 was the beginning of the Liberal movement.  Some of these
 liberal men eventually evolved into women.  The rest became
 known as "girlymen".

 Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication
 of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the
 concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat
 and beer that conservatives provided.

 Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the
 largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
 Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

 Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
 prefer white wine or imported bottled water.  They eat raw fish
 but like their beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and French food
 are standard liberal fare.

 Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women
 have higher testosterone levels than their men.  Most social
 workers, personal injury attorneys,journalists, dreamers in
 Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.  Liberals invented
 the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the
 pitcher also bat.  Conservatives drink domestic beer.

 They eat red meat and still provide for their women.  Conser-
 vatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
 construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers,
 corporate executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone
 who works productively outside government.

 Conservative who own companies hire other conservatives who
 want to work for a living.  Liberals produce little or nothing.
 They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with
 the production.  Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened
 than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals remained in
 Europe when conservatives were coming to America.  They crept
 in after the Wild West was tamed, and created a business of
 trying to get MORE for nothing.  Here ends today's lesson in
 world history.

Top
Subj:     Foreign Beer Commercial (S563b,d)
          From: AFine963 on 11/3/2007
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/rJeD_X8wU5M

 This Fernet Stock beer ad from Czechloslovakia is quite
 cute.  Click 'HERE' to see it.

Top
Subj:     Free Beer On Internet!! (S434)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/23/2005

 Please do NOT forward this to very many people for a little
 while, because I\'m going to try to get several cases for
 myself (using different names) before they run out of Free
 beer!

 Yes, really! FREE BEER!!!!!

 There's an ad for Anheuser-Busch in the newspapers in
 Mexico, and they are having a beer promotion.

 If you fill-in the online form below they\'ll send you a
 complimentary (FREE) case of assorted domestic and imported
 beers - which is meant to introduce you to their products!

 Apparently they have this promotion going until the end of
 this month, or till the first 10,000 cases ship.

 If you haven\'t heard about this, jump on it!!!!!

 Check it out.....

 http://www.fundmental.com/mail/freebeer.html

Top
Subj:     Draft Beer Dispensing System (S983d)
          From: tom on 11/10/2015
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/zfdnQJg_47c
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..........
.
..........Click 'HERE' to see this amazing invention.
.
.
Top
Subj:     New Date Rape Drink (S274b, S469b)
          From: RFSlick on 4/22/2002
      and From: DoctorDebt on 1/12/2006

 Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting
 pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a
 drink from any woman.

 A new date rape drug on the market, called "Beer," is being
 used by females to target unsuspecting men.  The drug is
 generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost
 anywhere.  It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in
 large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at
 parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home
 and have sex with them.

 Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume
 a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no-
 strings-attached sex.  Men are rendered helpless against
 this approach.  After several "Beers" men will often succumb
 to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women
 to whom they would never normally be attracted.  After
 drinking "Beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories
 of exactly what happened to them the night before, often
 with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

 At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of
 their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a
 relationship."  In extreme cases, the female may even be
 shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer
 term form of servitude and punishment referred to as
 "marriage". Apparently men are much more susceptible
 to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is
 offered by the predatory female.

 Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
 However, if you fall victim to this insidious "Beer" and
 the predatory women administering it, there are male
 support groups with venues in every town where you can
 discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open
 and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

 For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf
 Courses" in the yellow pages.

 For a video to see how beer works click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Hydrogen Beer (S168)
..........From: icohen on 4/19/00

 TOKYO (AP) The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart
 of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira
 Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation.
 Mr Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic
 substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm
 leading to the loss of his job.  The bar is countersuing for
 defamation and loss of customers.

 The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the
 carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by
 the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas.  A side effect
 of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-
 along bars and discotheques.

 Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen
 molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more
 rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas
 can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice.  Exploiting
 this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts
 on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso
 beer.

 The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling
 point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a
 deliberate marketing ploy.  It has inspired a new fashion of
 blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition
 source.  Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue
 flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in pubs
 everywhere. "Mr Otoma has no-one to blame but himself.  If he had
 not become drunk and disorderly, none of this would have happened.
 Our security guards undergo the most careful screening and training
 before they are allowed to deal with customers", said Mr Takashi
 Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take bar.

 "Mr Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to
 maximise the size of the flames he could belch during the contest.
 He catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira would be
 proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the
 judgement is made on the quality of the flames and that of the
 singing, and after fifteen bottles of lager he was badly out of
 tune."

 "He took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the
 judge, singeing the front of Mrs Mifune's hair, entirely removing
 her eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby
 customers.  None of these people have returned to my bar.  When
 our security staff approached he turned his attentions to them,
 making it almost impossible to approach him.  Our head bouncer
 had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr Otoma's knees, knocking
 his legs from under him."

 "The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that
 propelled Mr Otoma's legs backwards also pivoted around his centre
 of gravity and moved his upper body forward with equal velocity.
 It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his
 own fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own
 fault he swallowed that cigarette."

 "The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent
 internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third
 degree burns to his oesophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding
 gases forced their way out of his body.  His consequential muteness
 and loss of employment are his own fault."

 Mr Otoma was unavailable for comment.

Top
Subj:     Beer's Place In History (S98)
          From: icohen on 98-12-11

 It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago
 that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father
 would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
 drink.  Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar
 was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month"
 or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

 Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a
 thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature
 for adding yeast.  Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow.
 Too hot, and the yeast would die.  This thumb in the beer
 is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".

 In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.  So
 in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender
 would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and
 settle down.  It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's
 and Q's".

 Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock.
 It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't
 want to waste beer looking for a better site.  The log
 goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore
 and made to drink water that the seamen might have the
 more beer".

 After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called
 aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle
 often without armor or even shirts.  In fact, the term
 "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took
 on the meaning of their wild battles.

 In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to
 water down the navy's rum.  Needless to say, the sailors
 weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon "Old Grog",
 after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore.  The term
 "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself.
 When you were drunk on this grog, you were  "groggy".

 Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle
 baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.  When
 they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some
 service.  "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by
 this practice.

 Now you can appreciate the importance of BEER throughout
 history.

Top
Subj:     Beer And Brain Cells (S82, S612)
          From: thebartend on 98-08-24
      and From: darrellvip on 9/29/2008

 One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
 Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:

 "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...
 A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest
 buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
 and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This
 natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because
 the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or
 even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

 In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as
 fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical
 signals pass.  Recent epidemiological studies have shown
 that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain
 cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
 Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker
 cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more
 efficient machine.

 The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates
 the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related
 performance.  It also explains why, after a few short years
 of leaving university and getting married, most professionals
 cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.
 Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious
 alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels
 that they achieved during their university years.

 So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its
 technological edge we should not shudder in our homes.  Get
 back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and
 country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't
 deny yourself the career that you could have.

Top
Subj:     DrSeus on Beer (S393)
          From: Imogenelumen on 8/5/2004
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Top
Subj:     The "BEER ME" Diet (S82)
          From: RFSlick on 98-08-13

 FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost
 all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure
 carbohydrates.

 FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake
 of 1,200 calories  for women, 1,500 for men, if you want
 to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week.  On
 the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages
 a day for women, and 15 for men.  A measurable goal.

 FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the
 water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a
 consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends
 (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for
 your heart) and squats (as the case may be).

 FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when
 you aren't necessarily tired.  All that added rest is
 certain to help any problems you may have experienced
 in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other
 fad diets.  In addition, you may experience the occasional
 "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes
 for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise
 if you have to sneak out and run home.

 FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart.  After
 just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you
 will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is
 medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.

 FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you
 want.  The only rule is that you cannot consume any food
 until you have consumed at least half of the day's
 required beers.  This way the food will probably only
 stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise
 the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the
 "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.

 FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other
 forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is
 a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members
 of the opposite sex.  If you really want to maximize
 your workout, try actually walking up to the bar,
 versus using a waitress.  To take this to the extreme,
 you could even get up and get someone else a beer-
 perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than
 yourself.

 FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.  Based on these
 facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet
 implementation.

 CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be
 attempted during the work week by only the staunchest
 of dieters.

 MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food and basically be
 a slob.

 FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and
 stock up.  Go to favorite place of beer drinking and
 begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women,
 15 for men).

 SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all
 day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food
 that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly
 if it involved beef jerky from 7-11).  Take aspirin.
 Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food,
 anyway.

 SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your
 appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet
 half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing
 discussion with "the dog that bit you."  This is a
 good thing, as only half-consumption means less than
 1,000 calories for the day, and you  still don't feel
 hungry.

 SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day.  This
 is a very convenient diet during football season, but
 it can be successfully implemented year-round.  There
 is some major professional sport being played every
 day of the year except the day before and the day
 after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up).
 Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the
 entire day-you don't want to peak too soon.  Again
 you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner
 all the time.  Don't forget the aspirin.

 MONDAY:  Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested,
 and surprisingly mellow.  Mark your log book, and begin
 preparation for the upcoming weekend.

 Happy dieting!!!

Top
Subj:     Free Beer! (S264c)
          From: dogbyte on 2/13/2002

 This guy walked into a bar and saw a sign for free beer.
 He asked the bartender where he could get the free beer.
 The bartender said, "Go upstairs and it's the first door
 on your left."

 He went upstairs and went in the first door on his left.
 As he walked in he saw the ugliest, fattest, smelliest
 women he has ever seen.  He asked how to get the free beer.
 She said, "All you have to do is give me a free screw."

 He thought about it for a while then remembered free beer.
 So he said, "Okay, but you have to keep your eyes closed."

 When she closed her eyes he ran downstairs and into the
 corn field outside.  He took a piece of corn, ran back to
 the room and saw that the woman still had her eyes closed.

 He stuck the corn in her, and her screwed the daylights
 out of this woman with the it.  When he was done, he
 through the corn out the window and told her to open her
 eyes.  She said that was the best sex she has ever had.

 He went downstairs and got his beer.  When he left, he
 saw his friend and told him about the excellent FREE beer
 he had.

 Smiling his friend said, "yeah, but it wasn't as good as
 this piece of corn I just had!"

Top
Subj:     Penny Beer (S230)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-13
      and From: gheckman on 6/23/2001

 A man walks into a bar one night.

 He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.  "Certainly, sir,
 that'll be 1 cent."

 "ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy.

 The barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the
 menu, and he asks, " Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak,
 with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

 "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all
 that comes to real money." "

 How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents," he replies.

 "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.

 "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

 The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

 The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

 The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Top
Subj:     World's Best Beer (S37, 448b)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-04
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/25/2005

 After the Great Britian Beer Festival, in London, all the
 brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

 The guy from corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would
 like the world's best beer, a Corona."  The bartender dusts
 off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

 The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the
 world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."  The
 bartender gives him one.

 The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with
 Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."  He gets it.

 The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke."
 The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he
 ordered.

 The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why
 aren't you drinking a Guinness?"  and the Guinness president
 replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither
 will I."

Top
Subj:     Beer Temperature Tester (S453b)
          From: darrell94590 on 9/20/2005
.
 I thought I would give you some enlightenment on the finer
 points of drinking beer.  For the truly discriminating
 aficionado, a glass of the finest beer should only be
 partaken if it is the correct temperature.  The subtle
 nuance of the melded grains.....   the fragile and fleeting
 taste of the brewers art.....  can only be truly appreciated
 if that golden elixir is properly chilled.

 To this end, advanced studies candidates in the Graduate
 Engineering Department of Texas A?M University have
 developed an easily used fully portable Beer Temperature
 Tester which easily indicates whether the beverage is
 acceptably chilled or not.

 To test the beer, simply insert the tester into the glass.

 You can view the Tester in use by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Beer And Ice Cream Diet (S40)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-12

 As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water
 1 degree centigrade.  Translated into meaningful terms, this
 means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting
 of water in large part), the natural processes which raise
 the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive
 cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available
 source, your body fat.

 For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C
 (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal
 body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F).  For each
 gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37
 calories as stated above.  The average dessert portion is
 6 oz, or 168 grams.  Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic
 law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms)
 are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is
 normalized.

 Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the
 net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

 Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you
 are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

 This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer
 in frosted glasses.  Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent
 calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz.
 portion) in the temperature normalizing process.  Thus the
 net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.  It
 doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240
 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the
 body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

 Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial,
 since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to
 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them
 to body temperature.  The results here are really remarkable,
 and it beats running hands down.

 Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink
 beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above
 body temperature) induces an opposite effect.  But, thankfully,
 as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious
 solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up
 immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

 We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a
 pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

 Happy eating!

Top
Subj:     Beer Launching Frig (S535d)
          From: darrell94590 on 4/18/2007
Picture from Attytood.com
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/1yl2JWgGXz0

 Have you ever gotten up off the couch to get a beer for the
 umpteenth time and thought, "What if instead of ME going to
 get the BEER, the BEER came to ME???"  Well, that was how
 John Cornwell first conceived of the beer launching fridge.
 About 3 months and several hundred dollars later, Jon has a
 fully automated, remote controlled, catapulting, man-pit
 approved, beer launching mini-fridge.  It holds 10 beers in
 its magazine with 14 more in reserve to store a full case.
 It is controlled by a keyless entry system.  Pressing unlock
 will start the catapult rotating and when it is aiming at
 your target, pressing unlock again will stop it.  Then the
 lock button can be pressed to launch a beer in the selected
 direction.  You can view it in action on the Letterman Show
 in this video by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Two Guys In Life Boat Find Genie (S241)
          From Bawdy.Net Collage #186
      and From: BennoRo on 9/9/2001

 Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank
 in the middle of the Ocean.  They managed to inflate a
 rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their
 ship slipped under the surface.  After floating under
 blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water.
 On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat,
 thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object,
 floating toward them in the water.  As it drew near, they
 were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the
 kind that genies come in).

 They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.  Out popped a tired
 old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid
 lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a
 while now an quite frankly, I'm burned out.  You guys
 only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good
 one."

 The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us
 all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"

 "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the
 entire Ocean to beer.

 "Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the
 first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have
 to piss in the boat."

Top
Subj:     How To Drink Five Beers At Once (S542b)
          From: darrell94590 on 5/27/2007
.
 This picture is of a beer drinking genius.  He can drink
 five beers simultaneously. You can view the picture by
 clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Beer In Space (S39)
          From: Funnies.com

 This week, a million fraternity brothers rushed to join NASA.
 The reason: scientists have discovered beer in space.  Well,
 not beer exactly.  They did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol, to
 be precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic
 drinks (antifreeze Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are
 exempted from this category).  Three British scientists,
 Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey MacDonald and Rolf Habing,
 discovered this interstellar Everclear floating in a gas
 cloud in the contellation of Aquila (sign of the Eagle, the
 mascot of Anheuser-Busch! Hmmmmm).

 Millar and his compatriots have estimated the size of this
 gas cloud at approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our
 own solar system; there's enough alcohol out there, they
 say, to make 400 trillion trillion pints of beer.  These
 guys are British, mind you; if you were to translate this
 in terms of American beer (which the British, with some
 justification, regard as fermented club soda), the amount
 of potential brewski just about doubles.  In human terms:
 remember that double-keg party you threw at the end of your
 Junior year in college (the second Junior year)?  Imagine
 throwing that same party, every eight hours, for the next
 30 billion years.  You'd STILL have beer left over.  And
 boy, would YOUR bathroom be a mess! Simply put, no one
 could ever drink 400 trillion trillion pints of beer,
 except maybe Buffalo Bills fans.

 The sheer volume of all this alcohol begs the question of
 how it managed to get out there in the first place.  Despite
 the simplifying effect it has on the human brain, ethyl
 alcohol is a reasonably complex molecule: two carbon atoms,
 five hydrogen atoms, and a hydroxyl radical, all cavorting
 together in beery camaraderie.  It's not a compound that is
 going to spontaneously arise out of the cold depths of space.
 It can lead to speculation: What is this cloud?

 It's God's beer.  After all, He worked for six days creating
 the universe, and on the seventh day, He rested.  After you
 have had a hard week at the office, don't YOU grab a beer?
 Since man is made in God's image, it could be that this
 cloud is the remaining evidence of the first, best Miller
 Time.

 It's Purgatory ("400 trillion trillion bottles of beer on
 the wall, 400 trillion trillion bottles of beer!  Take one
 down, pass it around, three hundred ninety-nine septillion,
 nine hundred ninety-nine sextillion, nine hundred ninety-
 nine quintillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quadrillion,
 nine hundred ninety-nine trillion, nine hundred ninety-nine
 billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred
 ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, bottles of
 beer on the wall!")

 Proof of an undeniably highly advanced but chronically
 dipsomaniac alien society.  This particular theory is shaky,
 however: it's reasonable to assume that if the aliens were
 going to construct a nebula of alcohol, they'd also have
 large clouds of Beer Nuts and pretzels nearby for snacking.
 Advanced spectral analysis has yet to locate them.  The
 truth of the matter, however, is far more prosaic.  In the
 middle of this gas cloud is a young and no doubt quite
 inebriated star. As the star heats up and contracts,
 sucking the dust and gas of the cloud into a smaller area,
 complex molecules form as a result of greater interaction
 between the elements. Ethyl alcohol forms on small motes
 of dust in the cloud, and then, as the motes angle in
 closer towards the star and heat up, the alcohol is
 released from the motes in gaseous form.  There you have
 it: an alcohol cloud.  As Dave Bowman might say, "My
 God! It's full of booze!"

 Enough with the science lesson, you say. Just tell me how
 to GET there!  Sorry, Chuckles You can't get there from
 here.  The gas cloud (which, by the way, has the utterly
 romantic name of "G34.3") is 10,000 light years away: 58
 quadrillion miles.  Even if you hijacked the shuttle and
 headed out with thrusters on full, by the time you got
 there, the guy in Purgatory would be done with his tune.
 You'd have had time to work up a powerful thirst, but
 you'd also be, in a word, dead.

 No, the Space Beer Cloud will have to wait for the far
 future, when men can leap through the universe at warp
 speed. One can only imagine what they will do when they
 get there:
 Captain Kirk: My....GOD! Sulu! What....is....THAT?
 Sulu:  It's a free floating cloud of alcohol, sir.
 Kirk:  We've just run out of Romulan Ale!
        Could it be a trap, Bones?
 Bones: Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor,
        not a distiller of fine spirits!
 Kirk:  We need that booze!  If we fly through
        that cloud, we'll be too drunk to drive!
 Spock: May I remind you, Jim, that I am a Vulcan.
        We are a race of designated drivers.
 Kirk:  Well, all righty. Spock, drive us through!
        Bones and I will be out on the hull.
        With our mouths... open!
 To boldly drink what no man has drank before.

Top
Subj:     Miller Beer Ad (S588c)
          From: rfslick on 4/19/2008

 You can view this fake beer ad by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Bier Study (S561b)
          From: SCOTCOB on 10/22/2007

 Consider these facts:

 A recent study found the average American walks about
 900 miles a year.

 Another study found the average American drinks,
 22 gallons of beer a year.

 That means, on average, Americans get about
 41 miles to the gallon.

 It Makes You Proud To Be An American

Top
Subj:     How Bad Do You Want A Beer? (S591b)
          From: cappucinid on /15/2008

 You can view this unusual picture by clicking 'HERE'.

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..........................From Smiley_Central
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