Subj: Drinking Beer2 Jokes
(Includes 45 jokes and articles, 14 1001,15,cf,md4vYT,13)
Click "Here" for Drinking_Beer-Supp
Drunk With Beer
Joseph's Free Stuff
Subj: Helium Beer Test (S1001)
From: kgilmour2000 on 3/14/2016
.......Click 'HERE' to see this very funny fake beer test.
Bud Light Commercial #1 (S511c,d)
From: drgolfmd on 10/18/2006
You can view this cute, short
commercial about adult
magazines by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Norm Peterson, from the TV show Cheers! (S35, S863)
From: ipkis on 97-08-07
(See 'Cliff-ese Riddles' in RIDDLE-SUPP2)
"Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost
nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its' wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool"
"How's life in the fast lane?"
"Dunno, can't get on the on-ramp."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson."
"Alright, but stop me at one.... make that one-thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing
"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"How about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good
things about it!"
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson. A beer
"What's up, Normie?"
"My nipples, it's freezing out there."
"Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."
"How about a beer, Norm?"
"Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life."
"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."
"What's up, Norm?"
"Corners of my mouth, Coach."
"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach."
"Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not,
I'm still young."
"Normie, Normie, could this be
"With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe."
"What's up, Normie?"
"The temperature under my collar, Coach."
"What would you say to a nice
"What's up, Norm?"
"Everything that's supposed to be."
"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
They're demanding beer."
"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."
"What would you say to a beer,
"Daddy wuvs you."
"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Gimme another beer."
"What will you have, Norm?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.
I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Oh, looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"What do you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer."
"What do you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town."
"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."
"What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?"
"Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."
"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can!"
"Can I pour you a draft, Mr.
"A little early, isn't it Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut
to the happy ending."
"Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a
cold one waiting for you."
"I know, and if she calls, I'm not here."
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here."
Bud Light Commercial #2 - Bad Dog (S511c,d)
From: drgolfmd on 10/18/2006
You can view this very short
commercial about a dog and
a sandwick by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: How Budweiser Handled 9/11 (S351b)
From: Imogenelumen on 10/17/2003
The following story is an Urban
I liked the story so I'll still forward it.
On September 11th, a Budweiser
employee was making a delivery
to a convenience store in a California town named McFarland.
He knew of the tragedy that had occurred in New York and when
he entered the business he found the two Arabs, who owned the
business, whooping and hollering to show their approval and
support of this treacherous attack.
The Budweiser employee went to
his truck, called his boss and
told him of the very upsetting event! He didn't feel he could
be in that store with those horrible people. His boss asked
him, "Do you think you could go in there long enough to pull
every Budweiser product and item our beverage company sells
there? We'll never deliver to them again." The employee
walked in, proceeded to pull every single product his beverage
company provided and left with an incredible grin on his face.
He told them never to bother to call for a delivery again
Budweiser happens to be the beer of choice for that community.
Just letting you know how Kern County handled this situation.
And now the rest of the story:
It seems that the Bud driver
and the Pepsi man are neighbors. Bud called Pepsi and told
him. Pepsi called his boss, who told him to pull all Pepsi
products as well!! That would include Frito Lay,etc. Further-
more, word spread and all vendors followed suit! At last
report, the store was closed indefinitely. Good old American
Passive-Aggressive BUTT Whoopin'!
Bud Light Commercial #3 (S500b,d)
From: auntiegah on 8/16/2006
(See 'Parrots - Whassup Movie' in Parrots)
A Bud Light drinker gets sun
burned at the beach. It
is good to see American commercials are becoming more
entertaining. You can view this cute, short commercial
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: FDA Warnings (S104, S499b)
From: jcary on 99-01-18
and From: samhutkins on 8/13/2006
The FDA is considering additional
warnings on beer and
alcohol packaging, such as:
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
is a major factor in
dancing like an asshole.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
may cause you to tell
the same boring story over and over again until
your friends want to CRACK YOUR FUCKING HEAD OPEN.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
may cause you to
thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone
them at 4 in the morning.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
may cause you to roll
over in the morning and see something really scary
(whose species and or name you can't remember).
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
may create the illusion
that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter
than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
may lead you to believe
you are invisible.
11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
may cause a flux in the
time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes
large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Bud Light Commercial #4 (S500b,d)
From: auntiegah on 8/16/2006
Subj: Beer Cartoon (S459)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/9/2005
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Bud Light Sleighride (S521d)
A romantic sleighride and cold
Bud Light. What could ruin
such a lovely evening. This is another cute Bud commercial.
You can view it at the above source, or on my web site by
Subj: BEER vs. CUCUMBERS! (S410b)
From: JokesUncut on 11/26/2004
We've heard all the reasons why
Beer is Better than Women,
and why Cucumbers are Better than Men. Its about time we had
Reasons Why Beer is Better than
You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides
Beer bottles don't shrivel up
and grow mouldy if you leave
them in the fridge for a month.
Beer is always in season.
Beer removes unsightly flab and
wrinkles (on the person
you're looking at, if you drink enough of it :-)
Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't
Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better
Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.
Cucumbers have fewer calories.
Your wife won't complain about
you sitting around all day
watching TV and eating cucumbers.
You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
Your wife won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).
You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.
A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.
You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.
You don't have to worry about
getting cucumber stains
on your clothes.
[The cucumbers seem to take it on numbers. So why do I prefer beer?]
Bud Light Institute (S578d)
From: sfo_pilot on 2/11/2008
Subj: Truth About Drinking Beer (S195, S863)
From: ICohen on 10/23/2000
THE TRUTH ABOUT DRINKING BEER>
..the "smartest" thing Cliff
EVER said on Cheers! One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin
was explaining the buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And
here's how it went: "Well ya see Norm, it's like this....A
herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the
human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Subj: "The Beer Prayer" (S69, S379b)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #250 on 98-05-29
and From: INDEX OF EZINES4ALL.COM on May 6,2004
Subj: Why A Beer Is Better Than A Woman (S28)
From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated 5/22/1997
You can enjoy a beer all month.
Beer stains wash out.
You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
When beer goes flat you toss it out.
Beer is never late.
HANGOVERS go away.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
Beer labels come off without a fight.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
Beer never has a headache.
After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
You can share a beer with your friends.
You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
Beer doesn't demand equality.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
You can have a beer in public.
A frigid beer is a good beer.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
Beer always comes in multiples of six.
Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than
dumping the empty bottle.
A beer never costs you more than five dollars and
never leaves you thirsty.
When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
Beer looks the same in the morning.
Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
Beer doesn't get cramps.
Beer doesn't have a mother.
Beer doesn't have morals.
Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
Beer always listens and never argues.
Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
Beer doesn't demand legality.
Beer is never overweight.
If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
Beer doesn't need much closet space.
Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
Beer never changes its mind.
Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
Beer never asks you to change the station.
Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
Beer is always easy to pick up.
Big, fat beers are nice to have.
Beer doesn't pout or play games.
Beer NEVER says no.
Beer is easy to get into.
Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
Beer doesn't wear a bra.
Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
Beer doesn't live with its mother.
Beer doesn't blow you off.
Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
Beer doesn't mind football season.
A beer won't make you go to church.
A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor"
than a woman.
A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because
the guys spit.
A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other
A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin
commercials with the babies are "cute".
If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda
good for a while.
A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman"
instead of "doberperson".
A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours
of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like
leaving the toilet seat up.
If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around
a beer, it won't think you're talking about an enormous
can of vegetable juice.
A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
A beer won't smoke in your car.
A beer won't argue that there's no difference between
shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone
and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
A beer will actually *support* belching and farting and
share your enthusiasm for getting them included as
demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
A beer is always ready to leave on time.
A beer never fishes for compliments.
Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
Beer tastes *good*.
If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it
but then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse
you of "date rape".
A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching
"John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when
you go to the grocery store.
A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read
Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying,
but the beer won't accuse you of it.
A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape
a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of
the National Football League.
A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas
with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
A beer will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
A beer will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater"
on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say
"Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian
meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
When you're through with a beer, the thought of another
beer doesn't make you ill.
Subj: Do Re Mi Drink, by Homer J. Simpson.
From: auntieg on 97-10-01
Ahh..the lovely taste of beer.
DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.
| | *ahem* La la la la.... *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!
DO...... the stuff... that buys
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the one... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... a long way to get beer...
SO...... I'll have another beer...
| LA...... I'll have another beer...
| TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
| That will bring us back to...
| (Looks into an empty glass)
Subj: Short Beer Jokes (S100)
The Beer Store (S502c)
Subj: Man Orders A Bush Beer (S335b - bar2)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/29/2003
A guy walks into a bar and says to the woman bartender,
"Hey, babe, Anheuser Busch?"
"Fine", she says, "and how's
Graphic Road Accident (S486)
This is so sad. Every once
in a while a graphic picture
of a road accident makes the rounds on the internet. The
picture you are about to view is one of the most hideous
displays of road carnage you are ever likely to see.
Warning, this picture may have long lasting traumatic
effect on you, not for people with weak stomachs! I cried
when I saw this! It really is a shame! You can view the
picture on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Unsafe Water At Fraternity House (S329b)
From: igiggle on 5/21/2003
Randy: So you say the water that you get here at the
fraternity house is unsafe?
Randy: Well, tell me, what precautions do you
take against it?
Jim: First we filter it.
Jim: Then we boil it.
Jim: Then we add chemicals to it.
Randy: And then?
Jim: And then we drink beer.
New T-Shirt Logo (S485c)
Subj: Mind Your P's ? Q's (S300b)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 10/11/2002
P?Q's comes from pints and quarts. In a English Pub, the
beer was served in P?Q. When the croud got routy, the
bartender would say mind your P?Q's,
Amazing Bar Maid (S465)
Subj: Opening Beer Bottles w/Your Belly Button (S292b)
From: jerry on 9/2/2002
A Milwaukee, Wisconsin, man discovered two years ago that
he has an amazing ability to open beer bottles with his
belly button. He stuffs the neck of the bottle into his
belly button, then bears down with his muscles and fat,
holding the bottle tight while the cap gets twisted off.
How did he discover this unique talent?
He and his friends were bored
one night and they decided
to see how many dimes would fit into their belly buttons
"to impress the girls." No word on how impressed the
girls were. After he got 14 dimes into his belly button
they decided to see how far they could get a beer bottle
into his belly button and then see if he could open the
bottle using his belly button. The rest is history.
He says some brands chafe more than others when being opened.
Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel (Milwaukee,
The Beer Quiz (S436, S864)
From: Ab Origine Mundi © 2004
Subj: Nortel vs. Budweiser (S243, S579b)
From: coreymac on 9/24/2001
and From: tom on 2/13/2008
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it
would now be worth $49. With Enron, you would have $16.50
of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have
less than $5.00 left.
If you bought $1000 worth of
Budweiser (the beer, not the
stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the
cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.
Based on the above, my current
investment advice is to
drink heavily and recycle. This is a new retirement
program, I call it the 401Keg.
Beer Poster (S448)
Subj: Orkney Beer From Cow Poop (S240b)
From: bonehead on 9/4/2001
Historian Merryn Dineley, from Manchester University,
claims to have recreated an ancient Orkney beer recipe
which was flavored with animal dung, after uncovering
what she believes to be a 5,000-year-old pub and brewery
on the remote islands.
The way we see it, after 5,000
years, the pub has finally
gotten a customer.
The beer is made in clay pots
with traces of animal
She says it is ''quite delicious.''
Subj: The Things We Do For Our Beer Man.. (S120)
From: thebartend 5/20/99
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer,
they might be out of work and their
dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let
their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Subj: Beer Contains Female Genes (S14, S577b)
From bassmen on 98/10/12
and From: AFine963 on 1/29/2008
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released
the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of
female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains
female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
To test the theory, 100 men drank
8 pints of beer each within
a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100%
of the test subjects:
1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
A graphical version of this joke
can be found in on my web
site by clicking 'Here'.
In Ames Iowa a husband may not
take more than three gulps of beer
while lying in bed with his wife, or holding you in his arms.
From: ipkis on 97-11-20 and From: DrRibeiro
on 8/2/99 (S131B)
Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
From: humorlist-digest V2 #4 on 98-01-04
Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
From: RFSlick on 98-08-03
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group
From: humorlist-digest V2 #218 on 98-09-15
It was probably really annoying to be the only pirate with
a hook for a hand at parties, because EVERYBODY would be
asking you to open their beer. Although, if you didn't
know anyone it would be a good way to meet people.
From: ossama on 98-11-25
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a
beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
From: ossama on 99-01-27 (S105)
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
From: Tom_Adams on 3/24/99
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.
From: JCary on 08/25/2000 (S187)
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/28/2004
(S414b - men4)
Man only learned to walk upright cause they put
beer on the top shelf!
Q: What is the difference between
beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are about a dollar and deer nuts are under a buck.
Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #213 on 97-11-29
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
From: PGSP4LIFE on 09/17/1999 (S139)
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: Eight beers.