.
.
>>>
Subj: Food, Cooking, And Recipe Jokes
          (Includes 80 jokes and articles, 04 1038n,11,cf,wXT2a3b,9)

Salad from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  The Mysterious Floating Orb - Video (S956)
.........................The Lemonade Stand (S280b)
.........................The Clown and the Colonel - Painting/Sketch (S892)
.........................The Inexperienced Chili Taster (S450b)
.........................Six 'Pea' Photo/Word Puzzles (S892)
.........................German At New York's McDonalds
.........................Bizarro Cartoon (S1009)
.........................Kitchen Wisdom (S78)
.........................Pumpkin Pie - Video (S461)
.........................MacDonald's Soliloquy (S278b)
.........................God And The Devil Create Food - PPS (S264, S589c)
.........................Eating Fish Heads (S223)
.........................Eat Bacon Sign (S990)
.........................Dieters Night Before Christmas
.........................Dad's Brownies (S245)
.........................Short Cooking Jokes
..............................Can Food Art (S469)
..............................Dietician's Speech (S136, S851)
..............................Good Morning - Animated GIF (S467b)
..............................Ordering Six McNuggets (S218)
..............................Cakes As Art (S447)
..............................Riddle - Which Is Not A Berry? (S282b)
..............................Riddle - What Food Is This (S257)
..............................Hyena Swallows Oxo Cube (S140)
..............................Diet Definition: (S131B)

Also see ACCIDENTS1   - 'Jerome Irving Rodale's Death'
         ARAB file    - 'Two English At A Native Restraunt'
         ARKANSAS file- 'Woman Shot In Car'
         ASIAN file   - 'Indians Drink "Divine" Sea Water'
......................- 'Buddhist Monk Buys A Hot-Dog'
         ASIAN-CHINESE- 'China Supermarket w/Roller Coaster'
         BALLS file   - 'Cojones'
         BANKING-Supp - 'Herman Comic Strip'
         BIRDS file   - 'Two Robins Eat Worms'
......................- 'Man Tried For Killing Bald Eagle'
         BIRDS_CHICKEN- 'B.C. Comic Strip'
......................- 'FAA Test'
......................- 'Preparing Chicken'
         BIRTHDAYS    - 'Slicing A Brithday Cake'
         BREAST-SUPP  - 'Where Are My Fries?'
         BUGS-ETC     - 'Black Widow Spiders As Pesticide'
         BUTCHER file - 'Russian Woman Goes To The Butcher'
         CHRISTMAS1   - 'Season's Greetings'
         CHRISTMAS3   - 'T'was The Week After Christmas II'
         CHRISTMAS4   - 'Food Tips For The Holidays'
......................- 'BK Holiday Music'
         CHRISTMAS SUP- 'Simon's Cat In "Fowl Play"' - Video
         COMPUTER3    - 'Man With No E-Mail'
         DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Death By Hot Dog'
         DATING1 file - 'Picking Up Girls With Potatoes'
         DATING3 file - 'Sending A Lady A Bottle Of Wine'
......................- 'Food And The Sex Drive'
         DOCTOR1 file - 'Doctor Helps Couple's Sex Life'
         DOCTOR2 file - 'Speed Bump Cartoon'
......................- 'Doctor Gets Nurse Pregnant'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'Dear Doctor...'
......................- 'Heart Attacks'
         DOG2 file    - 'Three Male Dogs Meet a Beautuful Poodle'
         DOG-SUPP     - 'Midnight Pizza Pup' - Video
......................- 'Jasper And The Yeast Rolls'
         EASTEUROPEAN - 'Man Wants To Buy Polish Sausage'
         EDEN file    - 'Lost Genesis Chapter 2'
         ELDERLY2 file- 'Ellie Wants SUPERSEX'
......................- 'Two Old Men, Wheat Bread and Sex'
         ELDERLY4 file- 'Old Mother Hubbard Poem'
         ENGINEER2    - 'Why Engineers Don't Write Cook Books'
         FACTS3 file  - 'Cookies'
         FACTS5 file  - 'A Little History From the 1500s'
         FAIRY TALES  - 'Mary Had A Little Lamb - Poem'
         FARMER2 file - 'Carnation Milk Contest'
         FIREMEN file - 'Roasting Marshmallows'
......................- 'Kitchen Fire'
         FOOTBALL file- 'Campbell's Soup And The NFL'
         FRENCH file  - 'French Onion Dip' - Cartoon
......................- 'French And American Meet At Breakfast'
         FUNERAL file - 'Elderly Man Dying For A Cookie'
         GAMES file   - 'Feeding Husband Cat Food'
         GAY-SUPP     - 'New Wheaties Cereal Box' - Drawing
         GOD2 file    - 'Mother Teresa And God'
         GRAVEYARD    - 'Counting Nuts In The Graveyard'
         HEADLINES/ADS- 'Doritos Commercial' - Video
         HEAD/ADS-SUP2- 'Denny's Bacon Makes It Better!' - Video
         HUNTING-SUPP - 'Bizarro Cartoon'
         IRISH2 file  - 'Irish Potatoe Marries Idaho Spud'
         ITALIAN file - 'John Pinette On Eating In Italy' - Video
......................- '42 Things In The Life Of An Italian Child'
......................- 'Being Italian'
......................- 'George Miller On Italian Food' - Newspaper Column
         JEWISH3 file - 'Jewish Women And Chinese Food'
         JOB-SUPP     - 'Tater People'
         JUDGE file   - 'UK Wife Files For Divorce'
         JUDGE-SUPP   - 'A Can Of Peacher'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Boy Fixes Coffee For Grandma' - Story/Drawing
......................- 'Boy And Girl Eat Lunch Together'
         KIDS4 file   - 'Toddler Diet'
         KIDS5 file   - 'Whyatt Cartoon'
         LETTERS2 file- 'Pearls Before Swine Comic Strip'
         MANNERS file - 'Fruitcake Lady' - Video
......................- 'Fruitcake Lady II' - Video
         MANNERS-SUPP - 'Fruitcake Lady III' - Video
......................- 'Flapjack Flap' - A WARNING
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Man Murders His Wife'
         MARRIAGE5    - 'The Perfect Breakfast:'
......................- 'Wife Wants Husband To Do Repairs'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'The Dangers of Divorcing A Cunning Wife'
......................- 'Husband Names Wife's Favorite Flower'
......................- 'Kitchen Sex'
         MARRIAGE-SUPP- 'The Cheating Wife' - Video
         MATH4-SUPP   - 'Math Prob. - Boys Eating Pizza'
         MEXICAN file - 'Two Jews In Mexico'
         MONSTERS     - 'Cookie Monster, Life Coach' - Video
         MOTHERS file - 'Call Me 'Mother''
         MOVIES-SUPP2 - 'Meeting Paul Newman'
         NATIVES file - 'Some Thoughts On Cannibals'
         NUDIST file  - 'Women Grows Red Tomatoes'
.........OTH OCCUP    - 'Grocery Store Magician'
         PATENT file  - 'U.S.Patent Office And The Apple'
         PEANUT file  -  (see whole file)
         PENIS2 file  - 'Squeeze The Veg - Cartoon'
......................- 'Cucumber, Pickle, And Penis Talk'
         PENIS-SUPP   - 'Perrier Commercial'
......................- 'Dickens Cider'
         PHONE file   - 'Ordering A Pizza By Phone'
         PHONE-SUPP   - 'Ordering A Pizza By Phone II'
         PLANE-SUPP   - 'Getting A Bad Potato On A Flight'
         POETRY-SUPP  - 'Mirror Mirror' - Poem
         POLICE file  - 'FBI Orders Pizza'
         POLICE2 file - 'Dead Man In Bathtub'
         POLISH file  - 'Mexican, English, And Polack Eat Lunch'
         POLIT-BUSH   - 'Bush And Sharon Have Dinner'
         POLIT-CLINTON- 'Hillary Special'
         POPE file    - 'Colonel Sanders Visits The Pope'
         PRIEST1 file - 'Priest Goes Fishing'
         PRIESE3 file - 'A Priest Goes To McDonalds'
         PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Oreo Personality Test'
......................- 'Find The Head Test'
         PUSSY file   - 'Buying Shoes Without Knickers'
......................- 'Fat Head At The Ice Cream Shop'
         REDNECK3 file- 'Redneck Birthday Cake'
......................- 'Irish, Mexican, And Redneck Do
.............................Construction Work'
         REDNECK-SUPP - 'Redneck Wedding Cake'
         RIDDLE file  - 'A What Am I Riddle #29'
......................- 'A What Am I Riddle #19'
......................- 'A What Am I Riddle #8'
.........SCIENCE2 file- 'Plastics In Microwave Cooking'
.........SEX1 file    - 'Sweet Potato' - Photo
.........SEX2 file    - 'Calories Burned By Various Sexual Activities'
         SEX3 file    - 'Deli Sex'
         SHIPS file   - 'New Boat Paint'
......................- 'A Titanic Cargo...'
         SHORT_JOKES  - 'Vitamine Jokes'
         SOLDIER-SUPP - 'Busy Radio Operator In Korea'
......................- 'The MRE Date'
         SOLDIER-SUPP2- 'The Tootsie Roll Story During The Korean War' - Video
         STATISTICS   - 'Bread'
         TEAR-JERKER3 - 'Breakfast At McDonald's...'
         THANKSGIVING - 'The Night After Thanksgiving Food'
......................- 'Thanksgiving Day Recipe'
......................- 'Cooking A Thanksgiving Turkey'
.........THANKSGV-SUPP- 'Bacon Wrapped Turkey' - Photo
......................- 'Pregnant Turkey'
         THOUGHTS-KIDS- 'Ice Cream-Good For The Soul'
         THO-LRN-SUPP - 'Pearls Before Swine' - Comic Strip
         THO-SILLY-SUP- 'Deep Throat' - Video
         TREE file    - 'The Bacon Tree'
         WAITER-WATRSS- 'In-N-Out Burger Cult Site'
         WAITER-SUPP  - 'A Little Boy's Order' - Sign
......................- 'Herman Cartoon'
         WORDJOKES2   - 'Potatoes'
         WORDJOKE-SUPP- 'Raising Rabbits In Paris'

============================================================Top
Subj:     The Mysterious Floating Orb (S956d)
          Created by alyankovic
          From: William Ernfred Berg on Facebook
Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/Ib2Vl7JEjfc
.
.......
.
.Click 'HERE' to see 'Weird Al' Yankovic's  Mysterious Floating Orb.
.
.
Top
Subj:     The Lemonade Stand (S280b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/13/2002

 There was a business man driving down this country road
 when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand--
 it being hot and him being thirsty-- he decided to stop.
 Once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a
 sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents", well, he
 thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it
 was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to
 get some anyway.

 Well, he gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole
 glass in one swig.  He slapped it back onto the table
 and says, "fill 'er up." and the kid says, "sure thing,
 that'll be 10 cents."

 To this the business man says, "but your sign says all
 you can drink for a dime."

 "It is," the little boy replies, "that's all you can
 drink  for a dime."

Top
Subj:     The Clown and the Colonel (S892d)
          Painted by unknown artist
 Source: http://www.rowsdowr.com/

 At different locations on the internet this painting has
 been titled The Hunger Games
         and The Clown and the Colonel [Fast Food Fan Art].
.

.
 Click 
 to see an enlargement and
.a sketch of this painting.
.
Top
Subj:     The Inexperienced Chili Taster (S450b)
          From: coreymac on 6/18/2001
      and From: darrell94590 on 8/29/2005

 Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who
 was visiting Texas from Boston:

 Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
 cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last
 moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
 table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
 I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
 the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told
 me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
 Here are the scorecards from the event:

 Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

 JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
 JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
 FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?  You could
        remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me
       two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
        worst one.  These Texans are crazy.

 Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

 JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang.
 JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be
        taken seriously.
 FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure
        what I am supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to
        wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
        maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw
        the look on my face.

 Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

 JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs
        more beans.
 JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of
        red peppers.
 FRANK: Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill.  My nose
        feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows
        the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite.
        Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
        the front part of my chest.  I'm getting shit-faced
        from all the beer.

 Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

 JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
 JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish
        for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
 FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
        unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste
        buds?  Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
        fresh refills; that 300 pound bitch is starting to look
        HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.  Is chili
        an aphrodisiac?

 Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

 JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
        adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
 JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
        Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
 FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead,
        and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four
        people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant
        seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
        given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from
        bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
        I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?  It really pisses
        me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
        Screw those rednecks!

 Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

 JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
        balance of spice and peppers.
 JUDGE TWO: The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
        and garlic. Superb.
 FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
        gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames.  I pooped myself
        when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through
        the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me
       except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I
        thought.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe
        my butt with a snow cone!

 Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

 JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
        peppers.
 JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
       can of chili peppers at the last moment.  I should
        note that I am worried about Judge Number 3.  He
        appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
        uncontrollably.
 FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
        and I wouldn't feel a damn thing.  I've lost the
        sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
        made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with
        chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My
        pants are full of lava-like poop to match my damn
        shirt.  At least during the autopsy they'll know
        what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
        it's too painful.

 CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

 Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
        chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare
        its existence.

 Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
        Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
        it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
        over and pulled the chili pot down on top of him-
        self.  Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor
        feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
        chili?

 Judge # 3 - No Report

Top
Subj:     Six 'Pea' Photo/Word Puzzles (S892d)
          From: George Takei on 12/14/2014
Photo from GeorgeHTakei...
 Source: DeviantArt.com

 George Takei from Star Trek posted this cute photo of peas on
 his Facebook page. 136,009 people liked the photo and 20,161
 shared their own 'Pea' photos and comments.
.

.
 Click 
 to see my six favorites.
.What are these common phrases?
.
Top
Subj:     German At New York's McDonalds
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/5/99
 A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City
 and orders a beer.  (In Germany and many parts of Europe,
 McDonald's actually does serve beer.)  The local guy in the
 line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't
 serve BEER here, you MORON!"  The German fellow felt pretty
 stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised
 look, and begins to chuckle.

 "And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

 "Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here
 for the food."
Top
Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S1009)
          By Dan Piraro on 4/5/2016
 Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/april-5-2016/
.
..............
.
.
Top
Subj:     Kitchen Wisdom (S78)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #182 on 98-07-21

 A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

 No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

 A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And
 Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

 If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

 A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

 Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

 Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
 for they shall never cease to be amused.

 A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

 Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

 Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

 Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen
 and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

 My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines

Top
Subj:     Pumpkin Pie (S461d)
          by Jacquie Lawson
          From: igiggle on 11/26/2005
 Source: http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=GM26534313

 This very pleasant SWF video shows you how to make a pumpkin
 pie.  The background jazz music is "She'll be comin' round
 the mountain".  You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     MacDonald's Soliloquy (S278b)
          From: Cypriot on 5/31/2002

         MacDonald's Soliloquy
       or, Parody after Macbeth
             Gregory Lam
              Feb. 5/96

 Is this a burger which I see before me,
 The soft bun in my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
 I eat thee not, and yet I want thee still.
 Art thou not, gourmet's vision, sensible
 To taste as to sight?  or art thou but
 A burger of the mind, a false dinner,
 Proceeding from the meat-oppressed stomach?
 I see thee yet, in form as palatable
 As this cracker which now I chew.
 Thou nourish'st me on the way that I was going,
 And such condiments I was to use!
 Mine mouth are made the fools o' the other senses,
 The calories worth all the rest; I see thee still,
 And on thy plate and Happy Meals of fat,
 Which was not so before.  There's no such food:
 It is the bloody diet which informs
 Thus to mine eyes.  Now o'er the Weight Watchers
 Tastebuds seem dead, and raw salads abuse
 The growling bowels; famished celebrate
 Jenny Craig's offerings, and wither'd hunger,
 Alarum'd by his sentinel, the bathroom scale,
 Laughs as it watches, thus with his mocking numbers.
 With Hamburglar's ravishing strides, towards his goal
 I move like a ghost.  Thou warm and delicious beef,
 Hear not my teeth, which way they chew, for fear
 My very swallows prate of my gluttony,
 And take the present mirror from the room,
 When now suits do not fit.  Whiles I starve, he lives:
 Buffets to the heat of charbroiled chicken gives.

 [A bell rings.]

 I go, and it is done; the microwave bell invites me.
 Hear it not, Tongue; for it is a knell
 That summons thy mouth to heaven and thy body to hell.

Top
Subj:     God And The Devil Create Food - PPS (S264, S589c)
          From: gheckman on 2/12/2002
Drawing from Flickr.com

 To view this wonderful, long story, and PowerPoint Show,
 click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Eating Fish Heads (S223)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/7/2001

 A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the
 proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green,
 what makes you so smart?"

 "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies,
 lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.  "But
 since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in
 on it.  Fish heads.  You eat enough of them, you'll be
 positively brilliant."

 "You sell them here?" the customer asks.

 "Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

 The customer buys three.  A week later, he's back in the store
 complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't
 any smarter.

 "You didn't eat enough, " says Green.  The customer goes home
 with 20 more fish heads.  Two weeks later, he's back and this
 time he's really angry.

 "Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4
 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2.
 You're ripping me off!"

 "You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."

Top
Subj:     Eat Bacon Sign (S990)
          From: Melissa Weers on Facebook on 1/2/2016
 Source: https://www.facebook.com/myfamilymeals/photos/a.29366404064
.........4962.84498.278935562117810/1096938480317510/?type=3?theater
.
........
.
.
Top
Subj:     Dieters Night Before Christmas
          From: smiles on 98-12-21

    Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
    were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
    Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
    in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

    While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
    had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
    When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
    I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter

    Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
    tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
   The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
   sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

   When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
   a marzipan santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
   That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
   I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

   The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
   I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
   On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
   a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

   From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
   now dash away pounds now dash away all.
   Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
   my clothes were all bulging from too much excess

   My droll little mouth and my round little belly
   they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
   I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
   ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

   And laying a finger beside my heartburn
   I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
   I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
   if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

   And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
   in the morning I'll starve..'till I take that first bite!

Top
Subj:     Dad's Brownies (S245)
          From: kmacinty on 10/10/2001
Photo from Flickr.com...

 This joke/story is very cute, but it is so long that
 it needs its own file.  Click 'HERE' to read this
 heart warming tale.


Subj:     Short Cooking Jokes

Top
Subj:     Can Food Art (S469)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/13/2006
 Source: (Removed by lablaughs.com/)

 NYC Design and Build Canned Goods Competition Architects
 and engineers compete to see whose team can build the most
 spectacular structure using little more than cans of food.
 The exhibit at New York Design Center is open to the public.
 At the end of the competition, the 130,000 cans will be
 given to the Food Bank of New York City.  For more
 information, visit http://www.canstruction.org/

 You can view fifteen pictures by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Dietician's Speech (S136, S851)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 9/2/99
      and From: From: AFine963 on 4/27/2013
 A dietitian is addressing an audience in the Shalom
 Retirement Home. "The material we put into our stomachs
 is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years
 ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
 lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  Vegetables can
 be dirty and disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-
 term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

 "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all
 and most of us have eaten it. Can anyone here tell me what
 food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
 years after you eat it?" After several seconds of quiet,
 a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised
 his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"
 

Top
Subj:     Good Morning - Animated GIF (S467b)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 12/30/2005
..........Source: (Removed by lablaughs.com/)
 You can view this cute animated GIF by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Ordering Six McNuggets (S218)
          From: RFSlick on 4/4/2001
 Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that
 you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
 I asked for a half dozen nuggets.  "We don't have half
 dozen  nuggets", said the teenager at the counter.

 "You don't?" I replied.

 "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

 "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order
 six?" "That's right."  So I shook my head and ordered
 six McNuggets.
 

Top
Subj:.....Cakes As Art (S447)
          From: LABLaughsClean  on 8/10/2005
..........Source: (Removed by lablaughs.com/)
 It is hard to believe they are cakes. Click 'HERE' to view them.
 

Top
Subj:     Riddle - Which Is Not A Berry? (S282b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/27/2002

 Which of the following is NOT a berry?
    A. strawberry
    B. raspberry
    C. blueberry
    D. huckleberry
    E. pumpkin

x
x
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Scroll down for the answer
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Here it comes
x
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 ANSWER

 strawberry. Since the seeds are on the outside of the
 fleshy part it is not a berry.  In fact, it is not even
 a fruit.
 

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Subj:     Riddle - What Food Is This (S257)
          From: my childhood
 What food do you,
 Peal off the outside,
 Cook the inside,
 Eat the outside,
 And throw away the inside?

 Answer below:
 Corn on the cob
 

Top
Subj:     Hyena Swallows Oxo Cube (S140)
 Did you hear about the hyena that swallowed the Oxo cube
 (beef stock cube)?  Made a laughing stock of himself!
   --  Henry Dermot
 

Top
Subj:     Diet Definition: (S131B)
          From: DrRibeiro on 8/2/99
 The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize
 it is  'desserts' spelled backwards.
 

 In 1900 sugar cost four cents a pound.  Eggs were fourteen
 cents a dozen.  Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

 If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be
 green.

 Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and
 "Cap'n Crunch Berries" will cause your stool to come
 out green.

 Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you
 up in the morning.

 Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

 Almonds are members of which family of fruit?
 Almonds are a member of the peach family.

 This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
 Honey

 It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni,
 and about a gallon to clean the pot.

 In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their
 favorite smell.  Banana

 Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital
 without a McDonalds.

 Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

 Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

  Facts about Americans. Did you know that...
 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
 Snickers is the most popular candy.
 22% of us skip lunch daily.
 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

 From 'Strange Sex Laws' in LAWS

 A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband
 to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic,
 onions, or sardines.

 During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should
 engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless
 their car has curtains.

 An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples
 from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat
 freezer!

 In Baltimore it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no
 matter how dirty they get....

From: ossama on 98-08-12 (S352b)
 Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

From: RFSlick on 98-08-12
 A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

 No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

 If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

 A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

 Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

 Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
 for they shall never cease to be amused.

 A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

 Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

 Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

 Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen
 and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

 My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #190 on 98-08-15
 Bumper Sticker - COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

From: homeschooling.guide on 99-01-10 (S102)
 I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

From: auntieg on 99-01-17 (S103)
 "I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up."

From: ossama on 3/22/99 (S113)
 Someone hijacked more than $100,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies
 in San Jose.  No arrests yet, but the suspect is believed to be
 4 feet tall, have blue fur and live somewhere on Sesame Street.

From: RFSlick on 99-02-14
 Almonds are members of the peach family.

 Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them;
    a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/5/2001 (S240)
 "You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart
  in 7-Eleven, okay?"  -- Dennis Miller

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/27/2001 (S253)
 "Ask not what you can do for your country.
  Ask what's for lunch."  -- Orson Welles

From: dogbyte on 2/7/2002 (S262)
 "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for
  four....  Unless there are three other people with me."
    -- Orson Welles

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/14/2002 (S267c)
 I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;
 I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
   -- A. Whitney Brown

From: FrankRoesch on 2/10/2002 (S263)
 A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/7/2002 (S279)
 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
   -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

From: dogbyte on 6/19/2002
 I didn't fight my way to the top of
 the food chain to be a vegetarian!

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/14/2002 (S285b)
 "It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten.
 They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane."
   -- Anne (a JOTD subscriber)

 "Well Wal-Mart shoppers don't have a problem here.  These
 shoppers are challenged to count to twenty.  Fortunate for
 them their shoes are off and can use their toes..."
   -- Chip (another JOTD subscriber)

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/31/2002 (S287b)
 If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must
 first create the universe. -- Carl Sagan
 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/3/2002 (S267c)
 Q: Name the four seasons
 A: Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar

 Q: How does the gingerbread man make his bed?
 A: With cookie sheets. - Gord Goudie

 Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
 A: You don't.  There's a clock on the oven!

From: RFSlick on 4/26/99 (S117)
 Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
 A: Anyone can roast beef.

From: jerry on 12/26/2001 (S256)
 About 100,000 people submitted their favorite jokes as
 part of a massive experiment called Laughlab.  Here, the
 Computer Generated category.
 Q: What kind of murderer has fibber?
 A: A cereal killer.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/11/2002 (S280b)
 Q: What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?
 A: "I'm the weiner!"

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