Subj:     Grave Epitaphs
                 (Includes 68 jokes and articles, 07 1026n,9,cf,vXT4,5)

Les Moore
Denton's Dimensions
Includes the following:  Merv Griffin's Grave - Photo (DU)
.........................Mexican Epitaphs - PPS (S580c)
.........................The Death Of Common Sense (S286, S638b)
.........................Mell Blanc's Grave - Photo (DU)
.........................Lawyer's Epitaph (S222)
.........................Headstones - Web Page (S654)
.........................Halloween Tombstones
.........................Rodney Dangerfield's Grave - Photo (DU)
.........................Walt Disney World's Haunted Mansion Tombstones
.........................A Cowboy's Headstone (S658)
.........................Classics From REAL Graves:
.........................Tombstone Humor (S84, S581c)
.........................Hidden Headstone Meaning (S398b)
.........................Couple Buy Each Other Tombstones (S213)
.........................Epitaph Of A Virgin
.........................Popeye's Epitaph (S506b)
.........................Other Epitaphs
.........................Trivia Bits by Paul Paquet (S849)

Also see FUNERAL file - 'Widow Writes Obituary'
......................- 'Memorial Stone'
         JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'Dead Man Works For A Week'
         RIDDLE file  - 'A What Am I Riddle #7'
         SOLDIER-SUPP2- 'Just A Common Soldier' - Poem
         SOUTHERN     - 'Billy Bob Dies'

Subj:     Merv Griffin's Grave (DU)
          From: TLL on 9/7/2016
 Source: http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/f
Subj:     Mexican Epitaphs (S580c)
          From: darrellvip on 2/27/2008
 This PowerPoint Show of Mexican Epitaphs is great.  You
 can read these funny one-liners by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     The Death Of Common Sense (S286, S638b)
          From: ICohen on 7/18/2002
      and From: gayleheckman on 10/27/2005

 Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, by the name
 of Common Sense.  Common Sense lived a long life but died
 from heart failure early in the new millennium.  No one
 really knows how old he was since his birth records were
 long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.  He selflessly
 devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes,
 factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without
 fanfare and foolishness.  For decades, petty rules, silly
 laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense.
 He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to
 know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets
 the worm, and life isn't always fair.

 Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
 (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting
 strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and
 it's okay to come in second (or even last, as long as your
 best efforts were given).

 A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression,
 and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived
 cultural and educational trends including body piercing,
 whole language and "new math."  But his health declined
 when he became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-
 person-it's-worth-it" virus.

 In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for
 the ravages of overbearing regulations.  He watched in pain
 as self-seeking lawyers ruled good people.  His health
 rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented
 zero tolerance policies, reports of six-year-old boys
 charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a
 teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch,
 and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It
 declined even further when schools had to get parental
 consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot
 inform the parent when the female student is pregnant or
 wants an abortion.

 Eventually, Common Sense lost his will to live as churches
 became businesses, criminals received better treatment than
 victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything
 from Boy Scouts to professional sports.

 Finally, a woman who was not smart enough to realize that
 coffee is hot, and was awarded a huge payout for her
 stupidity, caused Common Sense to finally throw in the towel.

 Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and
 Trust; his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility;
 and his son, Reason.  He is survived by two stepbrothers:
 My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral
 because so few realized he was gone.

Subj:     Mell Blanc's Grave (DU)
          From: TLL on 9/7/2016
 Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mel_Blanc
Subj:     Lawyer's Epitaph (S222)
          From: thebartend on 5/1/2001

 A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tomb-
 stone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange,
 an honest  man, and a lawyer."

 The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
 confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men
 were buried under the stone.

 However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here
 lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

 "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read
 it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

Subj:     Headstones (S654)
          From: tom on 7/17/2009

 Click 'HERE' to see these thirteen, unusual headstones.

Subj:     Halloween Tombstones
          From: smiles on 98-10-28

        Justin Tyme
        Yetta Nother
        Barry A. Live
        Dawn Under
        Ted  N. Buried
        Yul  B. Next
        Bill  M. Lader
        Lefty  B. Hynde
        Kerry  M. Off
        Fester  N. Rott
        Reid  N. Weep
        Sue  D'Bum
        Jess Gough
        Barry  M. Deep
        U. R. Gone
        Otta B. Alive
        Mummy B. Ware
        Berry D. Hatchet
        Wil B. Back
        R. U. Next
        Dr. Izzy Gone
        Emma Ghost
       M. T. Tomb

        Here lies my wife,
        I bid her goodbye.
        She rests in peace
        and now so do I.

        Here lies Henry Blake
        He stepped on the gas
        Instead of the brake.

        Here lies Vlad the Impaler
        He bit off more than he could chew

        Here lies the Pillsbury Dough Boy
        He will rise again

        GO HOME
           (accompanied w/ a bloody handprint)

Subj:     Rodney Dangerfield's Grave (DU)
          From: TLL on 9/7/2016
 Source: http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-
Subj:     Walt Disney World's Haunted Mansion Tombstones
          From: smiles on 98-10-28

 In some cases, which Imagineer they reference to:

 RIP GOOD FRIEND GORDON now you've crossed the river jordan

 RIP in memorium uncle myall HERE YOU'LL REST FOR QUITE A
 WHILE (Chuck Myall - Art Director)

 REST IN PEACE COUSIN HUET we all know you didn't do it

 HERE RESTS WATHEL R. BENDER he rode to glory on a fender
 (Wathel Rodgers - illusionist, mechanical genius)

 HERE LIES GOOD OLD FRED a great big rock fell on his head

 this sod (Claude Coates - Art Director, Master of Paint
 Effects and Lighting)

 RIP MR. SEWELL the victim of a dirty duel
 (Ted(?) Sewell - Engineer/Draughtsman(?))

 IN MEMORY OF OUR PATRIARCH dear departed grandpa marc
 (Marc Davis  illustrator, idea man, funniest Imagineer)

 REQUIESCAT FRANCIS XAVIER no time off for good behavior RIP
 (Xavier Atencio - scriptwriter, and lyricist, Grim Grinning

 DEAR DEPARTED BROTHER DAVE he chased a bear into a cave

 MASTER GRACEY LAID TO REST no mourning please at his request
 (Yale Gracey - illusionist)

 HERE LIES A MAN NAMED MARTIN the lights went out on this
 old spartan

Subj:     A Cowboy's Headstone (S658)
          From: allenbergman on 8/19/2009
 Source: http://pecozbill.blogspot.com/2008/05

 This is the headstone of Russell J. Larsen, a real cowboy.
 It is in The Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah.  I wonder
 if he died knowing he would win the 'Coolest Headstone'
 contest?  Click 'HERE' to view this headstone.

Subj:     Classics From REAL Graves:
          From: smiles on 98-10-28

        Here I lie
        And no wonder I'm dead,
        For the wheel of a semi
        Went over my head.

        Here lies Lester More.
        No Les no more ...

Paul VanGraafeiland writes:
 "I knew that I had seen more information about this epitaph
 somewhere.  I just found it at http://www.thehistorynet.com/,
 an amazing source of history.  To take an excerpt from an
 article by Ben Traywick on Boothill cemetary in Tombstone, AZ:"

 Lester Moore was employed as a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent
 in the border town of Naco. Hank Dunstan showed up to claim a
 package one afternoon. He received it, but it was thoroughly
 mangled. An argument ensued, and both Moore and Dunstan reached
 for their six shooters. When the smoke cleared, Les Moore lay
 dead behind his window with four .44 slugs in his chest. Dunstan,
 too, lay dying, a hole blasted through his ribs by the one shot
 Moore had been able to get off before he collapsed. Les Moore
 was given a space in Boothill and an epitaph that has made him
 NO MORE." There is no evidence to indicate where Dunstan was buried.

Kip Connor did a little research and explains
             Who is the Jack in Jack-O-Lanterns:

 He's an ancient blacksmith who made a deal with the devil,
 trading his soul for seven years of prosperity.  But he also
 got three wishes from Jesus and St. Peter: Anyone who climbed
 the pear tree, sat in his armchair, or climbed into his purse
 must remain there until jack let them go.  When the devil came
 for Jack's soul, Jack tricked him into climbing the tree. The
 devil gave Jack seven more years of prosperity in exchange for
 his freedom. When the devil came back after another seven years,
 Jack trapped him in his armchair. Then, when the devil came back
 seven years later, he hoped to sneak up on Jack by disguising
 himself as an insect...Jack trapped him in his purse.

 [Kip's favorite part:] ....When Jack finally went to the under-
 world, the devil told him that he didn't want him around and
 he should go to St. Peter.  As he left, Jack grabbed a burning
 coal and placed it in a pumpkin that he was eating, using it
 as a lantern to see his way to heaven.  The demons who saw it
 knew to steer clear of the clever Jack... and to this day, we
 use jack-o-lantern's to frighten away evil spirits.

Subj:     Tombstone Humor (S84, S581c)
          From: mbucher on 98-09-06
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 3/5/2008

 In a Georgia cemetery:
 "I told you I was sick!"


 On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
 East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
 Here lies
 Ezekial Aikle
 Age 102
 The Good
 Die Young.


 In a London, England cemetery:
 Ann Mann
 Here lies Ann Mann,
 Who lived an old maid
 But died an old Mann.
 Dec. 8, 1767


 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
 Anna Wallace
 The children of Israel wanted bread
 And the Lord sent them manna,
 Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
 And the Devil sent him Anna.


 Playing with names in a
 Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
 Here lies
 Johnny Yeast
 Pardon me
 For not rising.


 Memory of an accident in a
 Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
 Here lies the body
 of Jonathan Blake
 Stepped on the gas
 Instead of the brake.


 In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
 Here lays Butch,
 We planted him raw.
 He was quick on the trigger,
 But slow on the draw.


 A widow wrote this epitaph in
 a Vermont cemetery:
 Sacred to the memory of
 my husband John Barnes
 who died January 3, 1803
 His comely young widow, aged 23,
 has many qualifications of a
 good wife, and
 yearns to be comforted.


 A lawyer's epitaph in England:
 Sir John Strange
 Here lies an honest lawyer,
 And that is Strange.


 Someone determined to be
 anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
 I was somebody.
 Who, is no business
 Of yours.


 John Penny's epitaph in the
 Wimborne, England, cemetery:
 Reader if cash thou art
 In want of any
 Dig 4 feet deep
 And thou wilt find a Penny.


 On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond,
 Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her but
 nobody believed her.


 In a cemetery in
 Hartscombe, England:
 On the 22nd of June
 - Jonathan Fiddle -
 Went out of tune.


 Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg
 Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that
 sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:

 Here lies the body of our Anna
 Done to death by a banana
 It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
 But the skin of the thing
 that made her go.


 More fun with names with Owen Moore
 in Battersea, London, England:
               Gone away
               Owin' more
               Than he could pay.


 Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
               In Memory of Beza Wood
               Departed this life
               Nov. 2, 1837
               Aged 45 yrs.
               Here lies one Wood
               Enclosed in wood
               One Wood
               Within another.
               The outer wood
               Is very good:
               We cannot praise
               The other.


 On a grave from the 1880's in
 Nantucket, Massachusetts:
 Under the sod and under the trees
 Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
 He is not here, there's only the pod:
 Pease shelled out and went to God.


 The grave of Ellen Shannon in
 Girard, Pennsylvania is
 almost a consumer tip:
 Who was fatally burned
 March 21, 1870
 by the explosion of a lamp
 filled with "R.E. Danforth's
 Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"


 Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of
 Albany, New York:
 Born 1903--Died 1942
 Looked up the elevator shaft
 to see if the car was on
 the way down. It was.

Subj:     Hidden Headstone Meaning (S398b)
          From: JokesUncut on 8/26/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)

Were you able to spot the real sentiment?  If not,
scroll down.  This is an actual stone in Mount
Royal Cemetary located in the center of Montreal.
With friends like these...

 Snopes.com verified that this is a real headstone at

Subj:     Couple Buy Each Other Tombstones (S213)
          From: sking on 97-07-18
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/3/2001

 A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of
 their wedding anniversary.  The husband gave his wife a gift
 - a tombstone, with the inscription, "Here lies my wife -
 cold as ever."

 Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a
 tombstone - on which the inscription read, "Here lies my
 husband - stiff at last."

Subj:     Epitaph Of A Virgin
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #18 on 98-01-20

 In a tiny village lived an old maid.  In spite of her old
 age, she was still a virgin.  She was very proud of it.
 She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told
 the local undertaker that she wanted the following
 inscription on her tombstone:
 "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

 Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the
 undertaker told his men what the lady had said.  The men
 went to carve it in, but as the lazy no- goods they were,
 they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
 They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"
Subj:     Popeye's Epitaph (S506b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/2/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 You can read Popeye's epitaph by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Other Epitaphs
          From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/04/97
          Based on a Laugh of the Day, Apr 1997.

 From a graveyard in Aberdeen, Scotland
 Here lie the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte
 Born a virgin, died a harlot
 She was aye a virgin at seventeen
 A remarkable thing in Aberdeen.

 From elsewhere
 Here lies my poor wife,
 Without bed or blankit,
 But dead as a door-nail,
 God be thankit.

 To the four husbands of Miss Ivy Saunders
 1790, 1794, 1808, 18??
 Here lies my husbands, One, Two, Three
 Dumb as men could ever be
 As for my Fourth, well, praise be God
 He bides for a little above the sod
 Alex, Ben, Sandy were the
 First three names
 And to make things tidy
 I'll add his - James.

 Here lies my wife.
 Here let her lie!
 Now she's at rest
 And so am I.

 The inscription on W. C. Fields' grave stone reads
 "I would rather be here than in Philadelphia"

From: humorlist-digest V2 #122 on 98-05-17
 They say you shouldn't say nothing about the dead
 unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/10/2002 (S259)
 Tombstone Epitaph In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
 Here lies an Atheist
 All dressed up
 And no place to go.

From: LABLaughsClean on 11/25/2004 (S410b)
Source: The New York Times
 He was a simple man who died of complications

 He came into the world without my consent
 and left in the same manner

 Stranger, tread this ground with gravity
 Dentist Brown is filling his own cavity

From: ft.apache on 6/27/2008 (S598b)
 In a cemetery in England:
   Remember man, as you walk by,
   As you are now, so once was I
   As I am now, so shall you be.
   Remember this and follow me.

 To which, someone replied by writing
 on the tombstone:
   To follow you, I'll not consent.
   Until I know, which way you went!

Subj:     Trivia Bits by Paul Paquet (S849d)
          From: ContraCosta Times on 4/13/2013
Photo from Creators.com

                           -(o o)-
............................From Smiley Faces