Subj: Graveyard Jokes
(Includes 17 jokes and articles, 16739n,5,cf)
The Raven
from
Mike's Animation
| >>>
Subj: Graveyard Jokes (Includes 17 jokes and articles, 16739n,5,cf) |
|
The Raven from Mike's Animation |
Also see BANK-SUPP
- 'Cancel Your Credit Cards Before You
Die'
DENTIST file - 'Speaker
Forgets His Dentures'
GRAV-EPITAPHS- (The whole file)
FACTS5 file - 'A
Little History From the 1500s'
FUNERAL file - 'Gunpowder
On Cornflakes'
......................-
'Memorial
Stone'
GHOSTS file - 'Two
Men In A Grave Yard'
IRISH1 file - 'Three
Irish In The Graveyard'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Mother-In-Law
Dies In Jerusalem'
MUSIC file - 'Mozart
Dies'
NUNS1 file - 'A Nun
And A Hippie On A Bus'
PHONE file - 'You
Won't Believe This Phone Bill'
PRISON file - 'Woman
Plans Prison Break'
TEAR JERKER1 - 'Flowers
For Mom'
============================================================Top
Subj: Last
Words (S408)
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/10/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/040.htm
 |
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Counting
Nuts In The Graveyard (S299, S631b)
From: RFSlick on 10/23/2002
and
From: darrell94590 on 2/11/2006
On the outskirts of a small town,
there was a big, old
pecan tree just inside the cemetery
fence. One day,
two boys filled up a bucketful
of nuts and sat down by
the tree, out of sight, and
began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One
for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward
the fence. Another boy
came riding along the road on
his bicycle. As he passed,
he thought he heard voices
from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One
for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh
my", he shuddered, it's
Satan and the Lord dividing
the souls at the cemetery.
He jumped back on his bike and
rode off. Just around the
bend he met an old man with
a cane, hobbling along. "Come
here quick," said the boy, "you
won't believe what I
heard! Satan and the Lord
are down at the cemetery
dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't
you see it's hard for me to
walk."
When the boy insisted though,
the man hobbled to the
cemetery. Standing by
the fence they heard, "One for you,
one for me. One for you,
one for me..." The old man
whispered, "Boy, you've been
tellin' the truth. Let's
see if we can see the Lord himself."
Shaking with fear,
they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to
see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped
the wrought iron bars of
the fence tighter and tighter
as they tried to get a
glimpse of the Lord. At
last they heard, "One for you,
one for me." And one last
"One for you, one for me.
That's all. Now let's
go get those nuts by the fence,
and we'll be done."
... They say the old man made
it back to town a full
5 minutes ahead of the boy on
the bike.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Two
Women Pee In A Graveyard (S279, S655)
From: KMACINTY on 6/6/2002
and
From: auntiegah on 10/31/2005
Two women go out one weekend
without their husbands. As
they came back, right before
dawn, both of them drunk, they
felt the urge to pee. They noticed
the only place to stop
was a cemetery. Scared
and drunk, they stopped and decided
to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything
to clean herself with,
so she took off her panties
and used them to clean herself
and discarded them. The
second not finding anything either,
thought "I'm not getting rid
of my panties..." so she used
the ribbon of a flower wreath
to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands
were talking to each
other on the phone, and one
says to the other, "We have to
be on the look-out, it seems
that these two were up to no
good last night. My wife came
home without her panties..."
The other one responded, "You're
lucky, mine came home with
a card stuck to her ass that
read, 'From all of us at the
Fire Station. We'll never
forget you'."....
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Mother-In-Law's
Threat (S191, DU)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 9/24/00
A former friend of mine was married
to a great gal; unfort-
unately, he had to put up with
his wife's mother who was a
very cranky and spiteful person.
In the morning when my
buddy got up to go to work,
his mother-in-law would sneak
around a hallway corner and
hiss at him, "If you don't treat
my daughter right when I die
I'll dig up from the grave and
haunt you!"
When the poor guy would stop
in for lunch, his mother-in-law
would blurt out while hiding
behind a drape, "If you don't
treat my daughter right when
I die, I'll dig up from the grave
and haunt you. Alas, in the
evening while having a
well-deserved cocktail, my friend's
mother-in-law would pop up
from behind the bar and say,
"If you don't treat my daughter
right when I die, I'll dig up
from the grave and haunt you."
Well, I happened to bump into
my buddy a month ago and while
having a beer I asked him how
his mother-in-law was feeling.
He said, "She isn't feeling
anything; she died two months ago!"
I quickly asked him if he was
worried about her ominous threat?
He said, "Heck, no! I buried
her face down; let her dig; I
don't care!"
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Coffin
Attack (S143, S701a)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/26/1999
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/1/2006
A man was walking home alone
one night when he hears a
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind
him. Walking faster, he
looks back, making out an image
of an upright coffin
banging its way down the middle
of the street towards
him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
The man begins to run towards
his home, and the coffin
bounces quickly after him, faster...faster
...BUMP ...
BUMP ...BUMP. He runs
up to his door, fumbles with his
keys, opens the door, rushes
in, and locks the door behind
him. However, the coffin
crashes through his door, with
the lid of the coffin flapping...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
on
the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom,
the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding.
With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down
the door. Coming slowly
towards him, the man screaming,
reaches for something, anything...
All he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...
...and...of...course,
...the coffin stops!
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Graveyard
Statue (S400b)
From: DafterLafter on 9/13/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200408/016.htm
 |
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Distraught
Graveyard Visitor (S22, S623c)
From: ossama on 98-08-24
A friend reminded me about the
time he was putting flowers
on his Grandmother's grave when
he noticed a man, very
distraught, in front of a tombstone
several yards away.
The man was on his knees, hands
tightly clasped in front
of him, rocking back and forth,
head tilted upward to
heaven, tears streaming down
his cheeks, moaning softly,
"Why did you die? Why did you
die?" Over and over again.
Cal was overcome with emotion
at the sight and went over
to the poor man to try and console
him. "Why did you die?
Why did you die?" Again
and again. Cal gently put his
arm around the man and half
whispered to him, "My Grand-
mother is buried just over there.
Is a loved one of yours
buried here?"
"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
Graveyard Jokes
| Subj:
Arlington at Christmas (S568)
From: tom on 12/5/2007 Picture
from Wreaths-Across_america.org...
|
 |
Top
Subj: What
To Do With A Dead Relative (S290)
From: jerry on 8/21/2002
According to Atlantic Monthly
magazine the human body is
worth only a few dollars.
But not anymore! With a little
bit of this and a little bit
of that, and the right pressure
in the right places, it can
be worth about $4,000.
Life Gem, an Illinois company,
says it can turn cremated
remains into diamonds for about
$4,000. They remove the
carbon, turn it into graphite
and simulate the conditions
that create a diamond, and voila,
your no good smelly
brother-in-law is now, as he
always told you, a diamond in
the rough weighing in at about
a quarter caret.
KTRK TV, Channel 13 (Houston,
Texas)
 |
Subj:
Painted Ceiling In The Smoking Area (S518b in Job-Stuff-Supp)
From: auntiegah on 12/19/2006 |
Top
Subj: Chinese
Grave Robbers (S289b)
From: jerry on 8/11/2002
A Chinese syndicate was caught
by Chinese police stealing
female corpses from graves and
selling them to people in
the north-western Shaanxi province
who believe in marrying
an unmarried dead man to a dead
woman so the man's spirit
will settle into the nether
world.
This is apparently not uncommon.
And the younger the dead
woman is, the higher the price
the grave stealers get.
Straits Times of Singapore 4-Aug-02
| Subj:
Graveyard Bumper Sticker (S515b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/27/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: Montana
Rancher Dies (S289b)
From: jerry on 8/13/2002
A deceased Bozeman, Montana,
cattle rancher, to make sure
he would get regular visits,
has arranged for an ATM to be
installed at his gravesite after
giving each of the ten
heirs debit cards. They
are each allowed to withdraw $300
per week from the machine.
Wireless Flash 13-Aug-02
Top
Subj: An Ode
To Egoism (S211)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/15/2001
I am anxious after praise;
I sometimes wish it were not
so:
I hate to think I spend my days
Waiting for what I do not know.
I even hope that when I'm dead
The worms won't find me wholly
vicious,
But, as they masticate my head,
Will smack their lips and cry
"Delicious!"
Top
Subj: Graveyard
Shift (S426b)
Part of: A
Little History From the 1500s in FACTS5
England is old and small and
they started out running out of
places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and
would take the bones to a "bone-house"
and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins,
1 out of 25 coffins were found
to have scratch marks on the
inside and they realized they
had been burying people alive.
So they thought they would
tie a string on the wrist of
the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground
and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out
in the graveyard all night
(the "graveyard shift") to listen
for the bell; thus, some-
one could be "saved by the bell"
or was considered a "dead
ringer."
From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12
(S355b)
The only difference between
a rut and a grave is the depth.
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/24/2002 (S295b)
The graveyards are full of indispensable
men.
-- Charles de Gaulle
(1890-1970)
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
My luck is so bad that if I
bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
-- Ed Furgol
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
Rest in Pease Smiley from
Smiley_Central |