Subj: How Many
(Includes 71 jokes and articles, 16770,3,cf)
Man Flips Coin
from
Accent on Animation
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Subj: How Many (Includes 71 jokes and articles, 16770,3,cf) |
|
Man Flips Coin from Accent on Animation |
Also see BLONDE1 file - 'Not
So Dumb Blonde Gets Time Off'
CHURCH file - 'How
many Christians… to change a light bulb?'
DOGS2 file - 'How
Many Dogs To Change A Light Bulb?
PHYSICS3 file- 'How
Many Physicists To Change A Light Bulb?'
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Subj: Screwing
In A Lightbulb (S404)
From: JokesUncut on 6/26/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200405/029.htm
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Subj: Bush
Administration Light Bulb Joke (S493b, DU)
From: darrell94590 on 7/6/2006
How many members of the Bush
Administration
does it take to change a light
bulb?
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,
2. One to attack the patriotism
of anyone who says
the light
bulb needs to be changed,
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb,
4. One to tell the nations of
the world that they are
either for
changing the light bulb or for darkness,
5. One to give a billion dollar
no-bid contract to
Haliburton
for the new light bulb,
6. One to arrange a photo-op
of Bush, dressed as a janitor,
standing
on a stepladder under the banner: "Light Bulb
Change Accomplished".
7. One administration insider
to resign and write a book
documenting
in detail how Bush was literally in the dark.
8. One to viciously smear #7,
9. One surrogate to campaign
on TV and at rallies on how
George Bush
has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy
all along,
10. And finally one to confuse
Americans about the difference
between screwing
a light bulb and screwing everyone else.
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Subj: How Many Dogs Does It Take To
Change A Light Bulb? (S479b, S663b)
From:
Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/23/2006
1. Golden Retriever: The sun
is shining, the day is young,
we've got
our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside
worrying
about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one.
And then I'll replace any
wiring that's
not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still
play with my squeaky toys
in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeeeeze
let me change the light
bulb!
Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze,
please please,
please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change
it as soon as I've led these
people from
the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed
any, and
make just one more perimeter patrol to see that
no one has
tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll
just pop it in while I'm
bouncing
off the walls and furniture..
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light
bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't
see a light
bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change
it? I can still pee on the
carpet in
the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco
Bulb. Or "We don't need no
stinking
light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First,
I'll put all the light bulbs
in a little
circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in
the Border Collie's ear and
he'll do
it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house,
my nails
will be dry.
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Subj: How Many Lawyers Does It Take
To Change A Light Bulb? (DU)
From:
Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 2/1/2006
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first
part, also known as "Lawyer",
and the party of
the second part, also known as "Light
Bulb", do hereby
and forthwith agree to a transaction
wherein the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be
removed from the
current position as a result of failure
to perform previously
agreed upon duties, i. e. the
lighting, elucidation,
and otherwise illumination of the
area ranging from
the front (north) door, through the
entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary
living area, demarcated
by the beginning of the carpet,
any spillover illumination
being at the option of the
party of the second
part (Light Bulb) and not required by
the aforementioned
agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned
removal transaction shall include, but
not be limited
to, the following steps:
The party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his
option, by means of a chair, step stool,
ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of
the second part
(Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the
second part (Light
Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,
this point being
non-negotiable.
Upon reaching a
point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes
separated from the party of the third
part ("Receptacle"),
the party of the first part (Lawyer)
shall have the
option of disposing of the party of the
second part (Light
Bulb) in a manner consistent with all
applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
Once separation
and disposal have been achieved, the party
of the first part
(Lawyer) shall have the option of
beginning installation
of the party of the fourth part
("New Light Bulb").
This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent
with the reverse of the procedures
described in step
one of this self-same document, being
careful to note
that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction,
this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above
described steps may be performed, at the
option of the party
of the first part (Lawyer), by any
or all persons
authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most
possible revenue for the party of the
fifth part, also
known as "Partnership."
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Subj: How
Many Men (S463b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 12/7/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19981009
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Subj: How
Many SEC Students Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? (S301b)
From: Cypriot on 11/8/2002
At VANDERBILT: It takes
two ...
one to change the bulb
and one more to explain how they did
it every bit as good
as the bulbs changed at Harvard.
At GEORGIA: It takes two
...
one to change the bulb
and one to phone an engineer
at Georgia Tech for instructions.
At FLORIDA: It takes four
...
one to screw in the bulb
and three to figure out how
to get stoned off the
old one.
At ALABAMA: It takes five
...
one to change it, three
to reminisce about how the
Bear would have done
it, and one to throw the old
bulb at an NCAA investigator.
At OLE MISS: It takes six ...
one to change it, two
to mix the drinks and three to find
the perfect J. Crew outfit
to wear for the occasion.
At LSU: It takes seven ...
and each one gets credit
for five semester hours.
At KENTUCKY: It takes eight ...
one to screw it in and
seven to discuss how much
brighter it seems to
shine during basketball season.
At TENNESSEE: It takes ten ...
two to figure out how
to screw it in, two to buy an
orange lampshade, and
six to phone a radio call-in
show and talk about how
much they hate Alabama.
At MISSISSIPPI STATE: It takes
fifteen ...
one to screw in the bulb,
two to buy the Skoal, and
twelve to yell, "GO TO
HELL, OLE MISS".
At AUBURN: It takes one hundred
...
one to change it, forty-nine
to talk about how they
did it better than Alabama,
and fifty to get drunk
and roll Toomer's Corner
when finished.
At SOUTH CAROLINA: It takes 80,000
...
one to screw it in and
79,999 to discuss how this finally
will be the year that
they have a decent football team.
At ARKANSAS: None ... There is no electricity in Arkansas.
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Subj: Home
Schooler Changes A Light Bulb? (S288b, DU)
Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb?
A: First, mom checks three books
on electricity out of
the library, then the kids make
models of light bulbs,
read a biography of Thomas Edison
and do a skit based
on his life. Next, everyone
studies the history of
lighting methods, wrapping up
with dipping their own
candles.
Next, everyone takes a trip to
the store where they
compare types of light bulbs
as well as prices and
figure out how much change they'll
get if they buy
two bulbs for $1.99 and pay
with a five dollar bill.
On the way home, a discussion
develops over the
history of money and also Abraham
Lincoln, as his
picture is on the five dollar
bill. Finally, after
building a homemade ladder out
of branches dragged
from the woods, the light bulb
is installed. And
there is light.
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Subj: How
Many Women w/PMS... To Change A Light Bulb? (S174, S325)
From: collins on 5/27/00
and
From: szalay on 4/16/2003
Q: How many women w/PMS does
it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: One.
ONE!! And do you know WHY
it only takes ONE? Because no
one else in this house knows
HOW to change a light bulb.
They don't even know the bulb
is BURNED OUT. They would
sit in this house in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they
figured it OUT. And once
they figured it out they wouldn't
be able to find the light bulbs
despite the fact that they
have been in the SAME CUPBOARD
for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle,
actually find the light
bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair
that they dragged from two
rooms over to stand on to change
the STUPID light bulb
would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD
BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE
STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME
IN! WHY?! BECAUSE
NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT
THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER
WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT
THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT
WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
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Subj:
Get Fuzzy Sunday Comic Strip (DU)
By Darby Conley From: WashingtonPost.com.com on 10/16/2011 |
Click 'HERE'
to see this somewhat lame joke about
How Many ___s To Change A
Light Bulb.
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Subj: How
Many _____ Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Q: How many agnostics does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Agnostics question
whether light bulbs really exist.
Q: How many atheists does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists don't believe
in light bulbs.
Q: How many blondes does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1. She stands on the ladder
and waits for the world to
revolve around
her.
A: What's a light bulb?
Q: How many Branch Davidians
does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: None, they provide their
own illumination.
Q: How many brewers does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than
for a regular bulb.
Q: How many carpenters does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fuck you! That's the electrician's
job.
Q: How many Catholics does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a priest
to hear him confess and
give the old bulb
last rites.
Q: How many Christians does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really
one.
Q: How many dead babies does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make
a pile high enough
to reach the bulb.
Q: How many dentists does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but the soonest
he can do it is in two months.
by Andrew Bedno
6/91
Q: How many doctors does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: None, he'll have to refer
you to a specialist.
by Andrew Bedno
6/91
Q: How many dyslexics does it
take to bulb a light change?
A: Eno.
Q: How many elephants does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real
big bulb.
Q: How many Einsteins does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends on the speed
of the changer, and the mass of
the bulb.
Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might
be easier to leave
the bulb alone and change the room. It
is all relative.
Q: How many fundamentalists does
it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY
*ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!
Q: How many hackers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: Huh?...What? Oh, it's dark
in here?
Q: How many homeowners does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him
two weekends and
three trips to
the hardware store.
Q: How many Iraqis does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they don't
have any electricity anymore.
Q: How many Irishmen does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: 21, one to hold the bulb
and 20 to drink until
the room spins.
From: pns on 10/30/2003 (S352b)
Q: How many sons does it take
to change a light bulb
for one Jewish
mother?
A: None. Don't worry about your
mother. You go have a good
time. I'll
just sit here in the dark, again. Alone.
Q: How many Jewish Princesses
does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: What? And wreck my nails?
A: Two. One to get the diet
Cokes out of the fridge and
the other to call
Daddy.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/7/2006 (S504b
in jewish3)
Q: How many Jewish mothers does
it take to change
a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll
sit in the dark.
I don't want to
be a nuisance to anybody."
Q: How many male chauvenists
does it take to change
a kitchen lightbulb?
A: None silly , you get the
bitch to do the washing
up in the dark!
Q: How many missionaries does
it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: One, and thirty natives to
see the light.
Q: How many pentium users does
it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold
the ladder, and the other
to change the bulb!
Q: How many Poles does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to hold the bulb
in the socket and stand on a
table and the other
four to rotate the table.
(This is the grandparent
of all light bulb jokes, so it
heads the list.
You can use it against any group you
want to stereotype
as dumb).
Q: How many pot growers does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent
bulbs instead.
Q: How many priests does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, priests can't screw.
Q: How many producers does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, producers screw in
hot tubs.
Q: How many psychiatrists does
it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but the lighbulb
has to want to change.
Q: How many Rats does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2, but it is difficult getting
them into the light bulb.
Q: How many recovering addicts
does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve
steps.
A: One, as long as he admits
he's powerless over light bulbs.
A: One to screw it in and one
to sponsor him.
Q: How many sport fishermen does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, and you should've seen
the light bulb!
It must have been
*this* big.
Q: How many suburbanites does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to look like
every other light bulb on the block.
Q: How many surrealists does
it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the
giraffe and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly
colored machine tools.
Q: How many Teamsters does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: 53. You got a problem with
that, buddy?
A: 65. -Why 65? I don't know,
it's in the contract.
Q: How many terrorists does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb, and
hundreds of others to take credit.
From: thebartend on 6/9/00 (S175)
Q: How many men does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE - He just holds it up
there and waits for the
world to revolve
around him.
Q: How many divorced men does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with
the house.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #34 on 98-02-04
Q: How many men does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything
From: DR SWITZER on 98-02-24
Q: How many Microsoft phone
help technicians
does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Please hold, your call is
important to us.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl
change a lightbulb?
A: She says, "Daddy, I want
a new apartment."
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 8/9/00
Q: How many software people
does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many hardware folks does
it take to change
a light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing
portray the dead bulb
as a feature.
Q: How many Marxists does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains
the seeds
of its own revolution.
Q: How many Feminists does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim
does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find
one that burned as brightly
as the first one.
Q: How many cops does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many football players
does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they
all get a semester's
credit for it!
Q: How many poets does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness,
one to light a
candle... and one
to change the bulb.
Q: How many Macintosh users does
it take to change
a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace
the whole motherboard.
From: kmacinty on 6/23/2002 (S282b)
Q: How many perverts does it
take to put in a
light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes the
entire emergency
room to get it
out!
From: LABLaughsAdult on 02/01/2005
(S419b)
Q: How many flies does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2 (that's if you can get
them inside the light bulb)
From: jbcary1 on 4/1/2005 (S427b)
Q: How many kids with Attention
Deficit Disorder
does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: Let's go ride bikes!
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Subj: Other
How Many's
From: Newsweek, September 25,2006,
page 27 (S504b - space2)
"We sure appreciate you answering
that age-old question from
Mission Control - how many
astronauts does it take to unscrew
a bolt. Apparently, it
takes three." Pam Melroy, of Mission
Control, to astronauts stymied
by a stuck bolt while
performing work on the International
Space Station.
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 7/22/01
According to a U. S. Department
of Energy memo reported by
the Denver Post in December,
the number of workers it takes
to change a light bulb, on a
certain vital safety system at
the Rocky Flats nuclear weapons
plant, is 43, requiring
1,087.1 person-hours. [Denver
Post, Dec92] (294)
Q: How many fratboys does it
take to wallpaper a room?
A: That too depends on how thinly
you slice them.
Q: How many astronauts can you
fit in a Honda Civic?
A: 12. Two in the front,
Three in the back, and
seven in the ashtray.
From: igiggle on 5/2/2003 (S327b)
Q: How many surgeons does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You don't need
it out today, but if it continues
to give you trouble
in the future, you should consider
removing it.
From: igiggle on 7/17/2004 (S390b)
Q: How many surgeons does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They'd
wait for a suitable donor and
do a filament transplant.
From: igiggle on 5/3/2003 (S327b)
Q: How many art students does
it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he gets two credits.
From: CKButch4Femme on 7/31/2005 (S445b
- gay)
Q: How many lesbians does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2 if they're small enough
(think about that
one for a minute!)
From Math6
Q: How many mathematicians does
it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to
the reader as an exercise.
Q: How many topologists does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: It really doesn't matter,
since they'd rather knot.
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/11/2007
(S564b)
Q: How many jugglers does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but you need at
least three light bulbs.
A: How many NASA engineers does
it take to change a light bulb?
Q: None. Changing a light bulb
isn't rocket science, y'know?
Q: How many graduate students
does it take to
change a light
bulb?
A: One, but it may take five
years.
Q: How many doctors does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to refer you to
a bulb-changing specialist,
one to make the
change.
Q: How many committee meetings
does it take to
change a light
bulb?
A: This item was resumed from
last week's discussion,
but is incomplete
pending resolution of some other
action items.
It will be tabled until our next meeting.
Q: How many contractors does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for
you on Monday.
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 |
How many Smileys are dancing
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The Good Life in Paradise |