Subj:     Thanksgiving Jokes
                 (Includes 63 jokes and articles, 11944n,10,cf,wYT2,2)

          Click "Here" for Thanksgiving-Supp

Turkey from
Includes the following:  A Snoopy Thanksgiving - Cartoon (S878 in Supp)
.........................6 Thanksgiving Rules To Live By - Sam Sifton - Vid(S825-Sup)
.........................Turkey Trivia Quiz (S620 in Supp)
.........................Turkey Shoot - Game (S616c in Supp)
.........................A Thanksgiving Prayer (S514b in Supp)
.........................Sarah Palin Pardons A Turkey (S616 in Supp)
.........................Sarah Palin Pardons A Turkey II (S617b in Supp)
.........................Pregnant Turkey (S511b in Supp)
.........................Thanksgiving Reflection (S460 in Supp)
.........................Tips For Not Hosting Thanksgiving Dinner (in Supp)
.........................Snoopy And Woodstock On Thanksgiving - Comic Strip (S930)
.........................A Turkey's Thanksgiving Poem (S250b)
.........................Things That Sound Dirty For TG But Are Not! (S460, S662b)
.........................Learning Dirty Words On Thanksgiving (S361)
.........................Dog Gives Thanks - Cartoon (S877)
.........................Divorce On Thanksgiving (S356, S617)
.........................A History of Thanksgiving (S304b)
.........................The Night After Thanksgiving (S303)
.........................A Thanksgiving Thought (S200)
.........................I Am Thankful For... (S147)
.........................Thanksgiving Dinner With The Pastor (S294)
.........................Charlie Brown Gives Thanks - Cartoon (S877)
.........................The Turkey Neck
.........................Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving (S95, S462)
.........................Thanksgiving Weather Report (S95)
.........................Happy Thanksgiving Poem (S356)
.........................Thanksgiving Poetry (S250b)
.........................Happy Thanksgiving Poem (S356)
.........................Bernard Met With Fowl Play - Cartoon (S877)
........................."A Preparation Or Was It Foreplay?" - Poem (S43)
.........................Thanksgiving Football
.........................Woman Gets Tattooed On Her Thigh
.........................Other Ways To Use The Thanksgiving Turkey
.........................Turkey Recipes
.........................New Turkey Recipe (S303)
.........................Cooking A Thanksgiving Turkey
.........................Thanksgiving Day Recipe
.........................Short Thanksgiving Jokes (S147)
..............................Chicken Horror Movie (S775 in Supp)
..............................Old Navy Presents The Gobble - Video (S723 in Supp)
..............................U Can't Stuff This - Video (S773 in Supp)
..............................On A Claire Day (S669b in Supp)
..............................The Argyle Sweater Cartoon (S824)
..............................Ann Telnaes Political Cartoon (S617b in Supp)
..............................Carlson Political Cartoon (S617b in Supp)
..............................Gratitude (S566b in Supp)
..............................Bacon Wrapped Turkey (S885 in Supp)
..............................Thanksgiving Indiscretions (S460b in Supp)
..............................Donkey Vs Turkey (S615b in Supp)
..............................Turkey Slider (S460 in Supp)
..............................A Very Touchy Thanksgiving - Cartoon (S878 in Supp)
 .............................Thanksgiving On Sesame Street (S460b)
..............................The History Of Thanksgiving (S251b)
..............................Picture-Three Thanksgiving Turkeys (S349b)

Also see CHRISTMAS    - 'Season's Greetings'
         CHRISTMAS SUP- 'Simon's Cat In "Fowl Play"' - Video
         DOG-SUPP     - 'Jasper And The Yeast Rolls'
         FART file    - 'Farting Your Guts Out'
         FOOD_ETC     - 'Pumpkin Pie' - Video
         FOOD_ETC2    - 'Lemon Breast Chicken - Great Recipe'
         JEWISH1 file - 'Jewish President Invites Mom For Thanksgiving'
         JEWISH2 file - 'Jewish Man Divorces Wife Of 54 Years'
         PRIEST2 file - 'Turkey Penance'
         SANTA file   - 'Bizarro Cartoon'
         TEAR-JERKER3 - 'Something For Stevie'

Subj:     Snoopy And Woodstock On Thanksgiving (S930)
          From: Joan Lamb on Facebook
 Source: (pixgood.com/snoopy-thanksgiving has Virus)
Subj:     Happy Thanksgiving Poem (S356)
          From: Imogenelumen on 11/23/2003
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, 
But I just couldn't sleep 
I tried counting backwards, 
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned - 
The dark meat and white 
But I fought the temptation 
With all of my might.

Tossing and turning 
With anticipation 
The thought of a snack 
Became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, 
Flung open the door 
And gazed at the fridge,
Full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey 
And buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, 
Beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling 
So plump and so round, '
Til all of a sudden, 
I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, 
Floating into the sky 
With a mouthful of pudding 
And a handful of pie.

But, I managed to yell 
As I soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all - 
Pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty, 
May your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy 
Have nary a lump,

May your yams be delicious 
May your pies take the prize, 
May your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off of your thighs.

Subj:     Things That Sound Dirty For Thanksgiving But Are Not!!!
          From: RFSlick on 98-11-12  (S460)
      and From: lubin100 on 9/17/2009  (S662b)

  1. Talk about a huge breast!

  2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

  3. It's Cool Whip time!

  4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

  5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

  6. I'm in the mood for dark meat.

  7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

  8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

  9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.

 10. Don't play with your meat.

 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these
     people at once?

 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

 14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

 15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

 19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

 20. Reach in and grab the giblets.

 21. "And he forces his way into the end zone."

 22. She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes
     15 men to hold her down.

 23. It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip,
     nothing squirts out.
 Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Subj:     Learning Dirty Words On Thanksgiving (S361)
          From: The-Jokes.com
 Source: http://www.the-jokes.com/listjokes.php?id=Best

 It is Thanksgiving Day and a family is preparing dinner
 awaiting the arrival of the children's grandparents.  Thomas,
 who is four is running around looking for is new pair of grey
 socks.  He ventures up to the washroom where his mother is
 putting makeup on.  Not realizing the boy is there she yells
 "shit" when she accidently gets makeup in her eyes.  Never
 hearing the word before, the boy asks her, "Mommie, what does
 shit mean?"

 The mother quickly replies, "Shit is just another word for
 makeup dear."

 Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are
 and she tells him to go downstairs and ask his father.

 The boy's father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his
 finger by mistake.  He says "fuck." The boy asks him if he's
 seen his socks and the father tells him to go look in his
 sister's room.  Before the boy leaves he asks his father
 what fuck means and the father says "stuff". "Like stuffing
 a turkey."

 The boy goes to his sister's room and finally finds his
 socks in the bedroom and puts them on just as the doorbell
 rings.  Thomas runs down the stairs and opens the door.  He
 greets his grandparents by saying "Hello grandma and grandpa,
 mommie is upstairs putting shit on her face and daddy is in
 the kitchen fucking the turkey..."

Subj:     Dog Gives Thanks - Cartoon (S877)
 Source: Grinning Planet
Subj:     Divorce On Thanksgiving (S356, S617)
          From: Imogenelumen on 11/24/2003

 (See 'Jewish Man Divorces Wife Of 54 Years' in JEWISH2)

 A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before
 Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have
 to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-
 five years of misery is enough."

 "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

 "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the
 father says.

 "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
 this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

 Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
 "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take
 care of this."

 She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father,
 "You are not getting divorced.  Don't do a single thing
 until I get there.  I'm calling my brother back, and we'll
 both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO
 YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

 The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay,"
 he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their
 own way."

Subj:     A History of Thanksgiving (S304b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/26/2002

 1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you
 count the native peoples already living there.  Columbus
 doesn't.  Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner,
 giving thanks for their safe arrival.  Embarrassment ensues
 when every Indian brings maize, and nobody brings pumpkin pie.

 1620 - Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid helping
 clean up after Thanksgiving dinner.

 1671 - First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving
 dinner, as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the
 "hilarious" old "I got lost in the maize" joke for the
 hundredth time.

 1701 - At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers
 unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty."
 Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off
 of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them.

 1776 - Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to
 meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere
 rides through Boston announcing the news.  Unfortunately,
 many colonists misinterpret his cry "the British are coming!"
 as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War.

 1812 - At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George
 of England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War,
 challenges United States President James Madison to "best 2
 out of 3."

 1860 - At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old
 son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the
 Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania,
 sparking the Civil War.  The tradition of the "children's
 table" is instituted in 1861.

 1903 - Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing
 it in October, so they can say it was their idea first.

 1928 - To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of
 prosperity that will last forever and ever," President
 Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into
 the Potomac River.

 1929 - Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands
 of men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.

 1957 - Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to
 undermine my health via heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy
 has his wife placed under arrest as a Soviet saboteur.

 1969 - The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour.  Thousands
 of hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy" gets
 passed around.

 1991 - When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey is
 sworn as Vice President for three days.  No change is noticed.

 1997 - Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered
 in turkey.  A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling
 "pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce.  Turkey
 farmers get involved in drive-by shootings, and the U.S.
 government declares a national fowl emergency.

 2002 - America is on a terrorist alert.  It is now against
 the law to stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of
 hiding explosives.  George W. signs this law into Congress,
 during a patriotic speech he defends this decision claiming
 "the evil doers are just looking for any opportunity to
 show up at your dinner table."  This Thanksgiving take a
 real good look at your relatives...and report any suspicious
 behavior to the CIA, FBI or your local police... who cares
 if it's grandma...it's your duty as an American...

Subj:     The Night After Thanksgiving (S303)
          From: janeenmarie on 11/22/2002
      and From: mombear1 on 11/22/2002

      See 'Happy Thanksgiving Poem' in this file.

Subj:     A Thanksgiving Thought (S200)
          From: gheckman on 11/25/2000

 The following is something to ponder:

 If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on  your back,
 a roof overhead and a  place to sleep ... you are richer than
 75% of this world.

 If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare
 change in a dish someplace  ... you are among the  top 8% of
 the world's wealthy.

 If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...
 you are more blessed than the million who will not survive
 this week.

 If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the
 loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of  torture, or the
 pangs of starvation... you are ahead of 500 million people
 in the world.

 If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment,
 arrest, torture, or death... you are more blessed than three
 billion people in the world.

 If your parents are still alive and still married... you are
 very rare, even in the United States.

 If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are
 truly thankful...  you are blessed because the majority can,
 but most do not.

 If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them
 on the shoulder...  you are blessed because you can offer
 healing touch.

 If you can read this message, you just received a double
 blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and further-
 more, you are more blessed than over two billion people
 in the world that cannot read at all.

 Have a good day, count your blessings, and pass this along
 to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.

Subj:     I Am Thankful For... (S147)
          From: WSelwa on 11/24/1999

 ..the mess to clean after a party because it means I have
   been surrounded by friends.

 ..the taxes I pay because it means I am employed.

 ..the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means
   I have enough to eat.

 ..a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and
   gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.

 ..my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out
   in the sunshine.

 ..the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because
   it means I am capable of walking.

 ..all the complaining about our government because it means
   we have freedom of speech.

 ..my large heating bill because it means I am warm.

 ..the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it
   means that I can hear.

 ..the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because
   it means I am alive.

 ..the piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved
   ones are nearby.

 ..weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because
   it means I have been productive.

 Happy Thanksgiving!

Subj:     Thanksgiving Dinner With The Pastor (S294)
          From: auntieg on 98-12-09
      and From: thebartend on 9/19/2002

 This is why it's so important to give precise answers to
 children's questions, because they take us at our word.

 This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because
 I wasn't quite 4 years old when it happened.  My mother
 taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake).
 One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet
 doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.

 I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the
 bathroom.  Didn't they belong in the kitchen?   Not wanting
 to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those
 were for special occasions.

 Now fast forward a few months.  It's Thanksgiving Day and
 my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for
 Dinner.  Mom had assignments for all of us while they were
 gone. Mine was to set the table.  You guessed it!  When
 they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately
 burst into laughter.  Next came his wife who gasped,  then
 began giggling.  Next came my father, who roared with
 laughter.  Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment
 when she saw each place setting on the table with a
 "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork
 carefully arranged on top.  I had even tucked the little
 tails in so they didn't hang off the edge.

 My mother asked me why I used these and of course my
 response sent the other adults into further fits of
 laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special

Subj:     Charlie Brown Gives Thanks (S877)
 Source: Katie's Animation Den...
Subj:     The Turkey Neck
          From: Anaise on 98-12-06

 "We all got together for thanksgiving my brothers and I.
 Things went well, good food, chitchatting, teasing etc.
 Well as usual Father drank too much and passed out on the
 Lazy boy.... can't hold his liq, pissed of mom so she went
 off to bed.  We continued our hoopla and finally one of my
 younger brother as a joke took the turkey neck from the
 kitchen and disappeared.  He returned later with a big
 grin on his face. "What the heck are you all smiley about?"
 "Come follow me".  So we all went into the sitting where
 pop was sleeping and snoring away.  "Look at his lap"  He
 had stuck the turkey neck between his leg and look very
 real.  We chuckled and went back into the kitchen and
 forgot about the turkey neck. We all eventually hit the hay.

 During the night, mom came down from her bedroom to
 retrieve pop.  As she was coming down the stairs, she
 saw the cat nibbling away at the turkey neck, but mom
 didn't know it was the turkey neck... she thought it was
 the "dude".

 She freaked and fell down the stairs and she broke her
 leg.  What a night.... we had to take her in and pop was
 pissed, mom was pissed, and the boys were pissed at our
 younger brother.  So when one passes out with family, do
 not leave the turkey neck unattended or else you may
 find it in place that you do not want it to be.

 We drove home from the hospital in complete silence.  All
 of a sudden mom busted out laughing and we all joined in.
 We will always love our parents because they put up with
 us kwazy boys including myself.  Can't wait for Xmass. :)"

Subj:     Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving (S95, S462)
          From: smiles on 98-11-23
      and From: Bridge4You on 11/28/2005

            Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep.
                  __   I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
                 .--.  The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
  {\             / q {\   But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
  { `\           \ (-(~`
 { '.{`\          \ \ )    Tossing and turning with anticipation......
 {'-{ ' \  .-""'-. \ \     The thought of a snack became infatuation.....
 {._{'.' \/       '.) \    And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
 {_.{.   {`            |   I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
 {._{ ' {   ;'-=-.     |   Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
 {-.{.' {  ';-=-.`    /
 {._.{.;    '-=-   .'    I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
 {_.-' `'.__  _,-'    Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!
             I crashed through the ceiling.  Floating into the sky....
             With a mouthfull of pudding and a handful of pie,
             But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees......
             Happy Eating to All!! Pass the Cranberries Please!!

 Editors Note:
   The world is full of a number of things
   I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings!
   Here's hoping you can find something to be thankful for!
   Thanks for being on this list. I do appreciate you all!

 HAPPY                                          .:. \|/  .:.
    THANKSGIVING!       _          \\,///       \|/  |   \|/
                 _/_\_   ___       \\|///    ?#> |  \|?#> |
                  (")   /.-.\       (")\\       \|?#>|/  \| /
        _        //U\\  |(")|      //-\\\        |  \| /?#>/
       ( )   _   \|_|/  /)v(\  ?#>_/|_|/\\     \ |/  |/  \|
      (_` )_('>   | |   \/~\/       |||\\\      \|   |    |/
      (__,~_)8    |||   //_\\       ||| \\       |/ \| / \| /
   jgs   _YY_    _[|]_ /_____\     _[|]_        \|   |/   |/

Subj:     Thanksgiving Weather Report (S95)
          From: auntieg on 98-11-23

 In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather
 report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one you
 should be sure to email your Mom.

 Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to
 an afternoon high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and
 humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe
 squall or cold shoulder.

 During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a
 knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation
 of one to two inches on plates.  Mashed potatoes will drift
 across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots
 on the other. Please pass the gravy.

 A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for
 the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.
 During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to
 leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

 Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat
 sandwiches will be established.  Flurries of leftovers can
 be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered
 soup late in the day.  We expect a warming trend where soup
 develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low
 as the only wish left will be the bone.

Subj:     Thanksgiving Poetry (S250b)
          From: Cypriot on 11/16/2001
          by Jack Prelutsky

 The turkey shot out of the oven
 And rocketed into the air.
 It knocked every plate off the table
 And partly demolished a chair.

 It ricocheted into a corner
 And burst with a deafening boom,
 Then splattered all over the kitchen
 Completely obscuring the room.

 It stuck to the walls and the windows;
 It totally coated the floor;
 There was turkey attached to the ceiling
 Where there'd never been turkey before.

 It blanketed every appliance;
 It smeared every saucer and bowl.
 There wasn't a way I could stop it;
 That turkey was out of control.

 I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure
 And thought with chagrin as I mopped
 That I'd never again stuff a turkey
 With popcorn that hadn't been popped.

Subj:     A Turkey's Thanksgiving Poem (S250b)
          From: Cypriot on 11/16/2001

 When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
 My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
 Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
 And he told me there was something that I had to know;
 His look and his tone I will always remember,
 When he told me of the horrors of ... "Black November".

 "Come about August, now listen to me,
 Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three.
 And soon you'll  be thick, where once you were thin,
 And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
 And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
 In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

 "Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
 And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
 And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing,
 "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing."

 Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
 I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
 And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
 I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

 I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
 High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
 And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
 I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
 I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
 And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

 But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
 As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
 And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
 I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

 So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
 I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;
 She held me today, while sewing and humming,
 And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming ..."

Subj:     Bernard Met With Fowl Play (S877)
          Made by Jim Benton
 Source: KeanuQuotes.tumblr.com
 Subj:     "A Preparation Or Was It Foreplay?" - Poem (S43)
           From: humorlist-digest V1 #258 on 97-11-25

 He laid her on the table
 So white clean and bare.
 His forehead wet with beads of sweat
 He rubbed her here and there.
 He touched her neck and then her breast
 And then drooling felt her thigh.
 The slit was wet and all was set,
 He gave a joyous cry.
 The hole was wide... he looked inside
 All was dark and murky.
 He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms..........
......And then he stuffed the turkey.....!

And just what were you thinking???  Shame on you!

Subj:     Thanksgiving Football
          From: Octagon999 on 97-11-30

 As in many homes throught the US on Thanksgiving, my wife
 and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important
 -- the football games on TV, or the dinner itself.

 To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and
 even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation
 before retiring to the Family Room to turn on the game.

 Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously
 even bought a cold beer for me with her.  She smiled, kissed
 me on the cheek and asked what the score was.  I told her it
 was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still
 nothing to nothing.

 "See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

Subj:     Woman Gets Tattooed On Her Thigh
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 03 Dec 97

          See 'Holidays Tattooed On Thighs' in TATTOOS.

Subj:     Other Ways To Use The Thanksgiving Turkey
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-27

 As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.

 As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says,
 "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time.

 As a hood ornament.

 As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you
 and say, "How much you've grown!"

 As a football for the after-meal game.

 One word... bowling!

 As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to
 test the range of the splatter upon impact.

 As a gift/bribe for a professor.

 As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)

 As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.

Subj:     Turkey Recipes
          From: Octagon999 on 97-11-27

 Dear Friends,

 Today they had a contest of second graders for the best
 turkey recipes.  I thought I would share some of the BEST
 with you.  Please don't try these at home, as they may
 only be truely perfected by professionals.

 1. Get a turkey, four cups of salt, two cups of vinager,
    eleven cups of oil.  Mix everything together and cook
    at 600 degrees until football is over.

 2. Get 100 pounds of turkey, six pounds of stuffing, two
    cups of salt, two teaspoons of vinager (whats with the
    vinager?), two cups of oil.  Pour the salt into the
    turkey.  Stuff the turkey.  Cook at 100 degrees for
    four hours.

 3. Catch a turkey.  Kill it.  Pick off its feathers.  Pull
    off the head and feet.  Skin it.  Cook it in the oven
    until its done.

 Well, you can decide which you like best.  There were more,
 but I can't remember them all.

 Have a great Thanksgiving everyone.

Subj:     New Turkey Recipe (S303)
          From: mombear1 on 11/18/2002

 File:  turkey.jpg (36793 bytes)
 DL Time (45333 bps): and 1 minute

  Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving or
     Christmas Turkey.

  1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes
  2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position
     the foil carefully (see attached picture)
  3. Roast according to your own recipes and serve.
  4. Watch your guests' faces.
  Click 'Here'to see turkey.
. .
  Click 'Here' to see Thanksgiving Nude.

Subj:     Cooking A Thanksgiving Turkey
         From: auntieg on 98-11-27

 Instructions for cooking a thanksgiving Turkey:

 Step  1: Go buy a turkey
 Step  2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
 Step  3: Put turkey in the oven
 Step  4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
 Step  5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
 Step  6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
 Step  7: Turn oven the on
 Step  8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
 Step  9: Turk the bastey
 Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
 Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
 Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
 Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
 Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
 Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
 Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
 Step 17: Turk the carvey
 Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
 Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
 Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Subj:     Thanksgiving Day Recipe
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-11-20

 Pappadeaux's is a pretty famous restaurant here in Houston,
 and so I thought I would share this with you.

 Pappadeaux's Sweet Potato Pecan Pie With Bourbon Sauce

                    The recipe makes a large pie.

 1 cup cooked, mashed sweet potatoes (about 2 medium potatoes)

 cup each: brown sugar and granulated sugar

 1 egg, lightly beaten

 cup whipping cream

 teaspoon vanilla

 Pinch of salt

 teaspoon each: ground cinnamon, allspice and nutmeg (see note)

 3 tablespoons (1 ounces) softened butter

 1 unbaked pie crust for a single-crust 10-inch pie

 Pecan Pie Filling and Bourbon Sauce (recipes follow)

 Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Combine sweet potatoes, sugars,
 egg, cream, vanilla, salt, cinnamon, allspice, nutmeg and
 butter in electric mixer bowl and beat at medium-low speed
 until smooth; do not overmix.

 To assemble pie, spoon sweet potato filling into pastry-
 lined pie pan.  Fill shell evenly to the top with Pecan
 Filling.  Bake 1 hour or until a knife inserted in center
 of pie comes out clean.  Store pie at room temperature 24
 hours. Serve pie slices with Bourbon Sauce on top or on
 the side. Makes 8 to 10 servings.

 Note: Recipe was tested with 2 teaspoons Parsley Patch
 Spicy Cinnamon instead of combined cinnamon, allspice and

 Pecan Pie Filling

 1 cup each: sugar and dark corn syrup

 3 eggs, lightly beaten

 3 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened

 teaspoon vanilla extract

 Pinch of salt

 teaspoon ground cinnamon

 1 cup chopped pecans

 Combine sugar, syrup, eggs, butter, vanilla, salt and
 cinnamon in electric mixer bowl and beat on low speed
 until syrup is opaque, about 4 to 5 minutes.  Stir
 inpecans, mixing well.

 Bourbon Sauce

 1 cup whipping cream

 1 cup milk

 1(4-serving-size) package instant vanilla pudding mix

 3 tablespoons bourbon, brandy or rum

 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

 Combine cream and milk in a large mixing bowl.  Slowly
 whip in pudding mix.  Add bourbon and continue whipping.
 Add vanilla and whip until mixture is well-blended to
 sauce consistency (should not be as firm as pudding, but
 shouldn't be runny).  Sauce should be made 1 hour before
 use; it will thicken as it sits.

Subj:     Short Thanksgiving Jokes (S147)

Subj:     Thanksgiving On Sesame Street (S460b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 11/12/2005
 You can view 'Thanksgiving On Sesame Street' by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     The History Of Thanksgiving (S251b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/19/2001
 When was Thanksgiving named a real holiday?

 A: Thanksgiving day was named as a "real" holiday by
 George Washington who proclaimed a National Day of
 Thanksgiving in 1789, however President Lincoln
 made it official by proclaiming the last Thursday in
 November as a national day of "Thanksgiving."

Subj:     Picture-Three Thanksgiving Turkeys (S349b)
          From: Imogenelumen on 9/30/2003
 You can view the pictures 'Three Thanksgiving Turkeys'
 by clicking 'Here'.

From: auntieg on 98-12-09
 Thanksgiving dinner is truly a magical meal.
 It keeps reappearing for days.  --Linda Perret

From: smiles on 11/24/1999
 Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful
 for on Thanksgiving," little Timothy wrote, "I am thankfull
 that I'm not a turkey."

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/20/2001 (S251b)
 "That was the best Thanksgiving ever. I mean, emotionally
  it was horrible, but the turkey was soooo moist."
    -- Homer Simpson

From: dogbyte on 12/5/2001 (S253)
 Killing turkeys causes winter!

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/26/2002 (S304)
 What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set
 aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one
 diets.  I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
   -- Erma Bombeck

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/23/2006 (S514b)
 "Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.  They
  are consumed in twelve minutes.  Half-times take twelve
  minutes.  This is not coincidence."  -- Erma Bombeck

From: CatScratch on 11/27/2002 (S304b)
 Did you know that..... Football was actually invented by
 a group of women, ...as a way to keep their husbands out
 of the kitchen on Thanksgiving!

From: Joke-of-the-day.com on 11/29/2002 (S304)
 An optimist is a person who starts a new diet
 on Thanksgiving Day.  -- Irv Kupcinet

From: smiles on 98-11-24
 Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
 A: The outside!

 Q: What is the best thing to put into stuffing?
 A: Your teeth!

 Q: What is the key to a good Thanksgiving dinner?
 A: The tur-key!

 Q: Did the little Pilgrims eat their turkey with their fingers?
 A: No, they never ate their fingers!

 Q: Why were the Pilgrims afraid of the turkey?
 A: Because he was always a'gobblin!

 Q: What do you get if you cross a pointy black hat
    and some leftover turkey?
 A: A witch-bone!

 Q: Why didn't the Pilgrim want to make the bread?
 A: It's a crummy job!

 Q: Why didn't the turkey want any lunch?
 A: He was already stuffed!

 Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?
 A: No, you should just have the turkey!

 Q: What part of the turkey can play in a band?
 A: The drum-stick!

 Q: What can you never eat for Thanksgiving dinner?
 A: Breakfast  or lunch!

From: smiles on 11/24/1999
 Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
 A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his

 Q: What key has legs and can't open doors?
 A: A Turkey.

 Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
 A: hubble, hubble, hubble.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/19/2001
 Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
 A: Plymouth Rock

 Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
 A: They suspected it of fowl play

 Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
 A: Boy! I'm stuffed!

From: kmacinty on 11/26/2002 (S304)
 Q: Is turkey soup good for your health?
 A: Not if you're the turkey.

 Q: Why did the turkey bolt down his food?
 A: Because she was a gobbler.

 Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
 A: To show that he wasn't chicken.

 Q: Did you hear about the government officials
    who talked turkey?
 A: They spoke gobbledygook.

 Q: What did the mother turkey said to her daughter
    as she wolfed down her meal,
 A: "Don't gobble your food."

 Q: Why are turkeys so good at arithmetic?
 A: Because they count the number of chopping days
    until Thanksgiving.

 Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
 A: Because it had the drumsticks.

 Q: Why did the band leader save the drumsticks from
    thirty-eight turkeys?
 A: Because he wanted seventy-six tom bones.

 Q: Why do turkeys have such a persecution complex?
 A: Because they're cut to pieces, they have the stuffing
    knocked out of them, and they're picked on for days
    after Thanksgiving.

 Q: What did the leftover turkey say after it was wrapped
    up and refrigerated,
 A: "Foiled again."

                           -(o o)-
.............................From Smiley_Central