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Subj:.....Real
Answering Machine Messages...
From: humorlist-digest V2 #12 on 98-01-13
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...........(See
'Best
Out Of Office Auto Replies' in Job-Stuff-Supp)
WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
But we're not home right now. So
leave a message at the tone,
and we'll assimilate you later.
-----------
Hi! John's answering machine is
broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these
magnets.
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Hello, this is Ron's toaster.
Ron's new answering machine is
in the shop for repairs, so please
leave your message when
the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
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Please leave a message. However,
you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say
will be recorded and will be used
by us.
-----------
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on
the air. (or) Hello, you're
caller number nine!
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(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344.
If you want to leave a
message, please wait for the tone.
If you want to leave your name
and number, please press
pound, press 3, then dial your
name, then press 6 and dial
your number. If you want
to leave your name and just a
message, press star, press 6, ask
for extension 4443, then
leave your name and message.
If you want to leave your number
and the time you called,
please press star twice, spin in
a circle, press 1 twice,
talk loud and (BEEP) .
------------
E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Leave your name and number, and
prepare to die.
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This is the Literacy Self Test
Hotline. After the tone,
leave your name and number, and
recite a sentence using
today's vocabulary word. Today's
word is "supercilious."
-----------
Greetings, you have reached the
Sixth Sense Detective
Agency. We know who you are
and what you want, so at
the sound of the tone, please hang
up.
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I can't come to the phone now because
alien beings are
eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and after
the alien beings assume
my shape, one of them will get
back to you.
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I can't come to the phone now because
I have amnesia and
I feel stupid talking to people
I don't remember. I'd
appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name
and telling me something about
myself. Thanks.
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Thank you for calling the CSU Automated
Hearing Test Line.
Prepare for Test 1. Is this
tone louder in your left ear
or right ear? ... BEEP
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(Rod Sterling imitation:) You're
dazed, bewildered, trapped
in a world without time, where
sound collides with color
and shadows explode. You
see a signpost up ahead - this
is no ordinary telephone answering
device...
You have reached, "The Twilight
Phone".
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Thank you for calling 434-2322.
If you wish to speak to Tim,
push 1 on your touch tone phone
now. If you wish to speak
to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone
phone now. If you have
a wrong number, push 3 on your
touch tone phone now. All
of this button pushing doesn't
do anything, but it is a
good way to work off anger, and
it makes us feel like we
have a big time phone system.
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(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God
speaking...
-----------
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do
you want?
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Thank you for calling the Metropolitan
Church of the Holy
Bible. Today's commandment
is Number 6, Thou shalt not...
er...Bear a... er... Shalt not
witness thy... uh... Neighbor's,
Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt
not commit a bear... Dern...
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This is a test. This is a
test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only
a test.
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I can't come to the phone now,
so if, well, actually, I
CAN come to the phone now, I mean,
like, I'm at the phone
NOW, recording this message, but
I'm doing this NOW, while
you're listening to it LATER, except
for you I guess it's
NOW, like, when you're listening
to it... I mean, like,
wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
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(Recorded directly from AT&T:)
We're sorry, but the number
you dialed is disconnected or no
longer in service.
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Hi, you've reached 340-2359.
We're not peeb eht retfa
egassem ruoy evael esaelp
os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac
rof uoy knahT.
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The number you have reached, 226-0477,
has been changed.
The new number is 226-0477.
Please make a note of it.
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You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice
Blackmail System.
Your voice patterns are now being
digitally encoded and
stored for later use. Once
this is done, our computers
will be able to use the sound of
YOUR voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral
purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation.
However our staff
of professional extortionists will
contact you in the near
future to further explain the benefits
of our service, and
to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to
speak clearly at the sound of the
tone. Thank you.
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(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE.
SPEAK.
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You have reached the number you
have dialed. Please leave
a message after the beep.
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Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave
a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake, Remember
to erase the tape.
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Hello, this is Sid. I've
got a puppy in one hand and a
Smith & Wesson..38 in the other.
Leave a message or the
puppy gets it.
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My wife and I can't come to the
phone right now, but if
you'll leave your name and number,
we'll get back to you
as soon as we're finished.
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Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.
We can't pick up the
phone right now, because we're
doing something we really
enjoy. Sonya likes doing
it up and down, and I like doing
it left to right...real slowly.
So leave a message, and
when we're done brushing our teeth
we'll get back to you.
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A is for academics, B is for beer.
One of those reasons
is why we're not here. So leave
a message.
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Hi. This is John. If
you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are
my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution,
you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are
my friends, you owe me money. If
you are a female, don't worry,
I have plenty of money.
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤
Subj:.....More
Answer Machine Messages
From: RFSlick on 98-03-09
(Narrator's voice:)
There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into
a veritable maelstrom
of toilet paper, with Dale in the
middle of it, his
arms windmilling at incredible speeds!
Will he make it in
time? Alas no, his valiant effort is
in vain. The
bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
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Hi. Now you say something."
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"Hello. I am David's
answering machine. What are you?"
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(From my Japanese
friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to.
If you leave message,
I call you soon. If you leave *sexy*
message, I call sooner!
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"Hello, this is Sally's
microwave. Her answering machine
just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking
her calls. Say, if
you want anything cooked while you leave
your message, just
hold it up to the phone."
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"Hello, you are talking
to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows,
or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to
charity through their
office and do not need their picture
taken. If you're
still with me, leave your name and number
and they will get
back to you."
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"This is not an answering
machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason
for calling, and a number where I can
reach you, and I'll
think about returning your call."
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"Hi. I am probably
home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
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"Hi, this is George.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone
until I call you
back."
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"If you are a burglar,
then we're at home cleaning our
weapons and can't
come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's
safe to leave us a message."
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"You're growing tired.
Your eyelids are getting heavy. You
feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your will-
power and your ability
to resist suggestions. When you hear
the tone you will
feel helplessly compelled to leave your
name, number, and
a message." |
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