(Includes 45 jokes and articles, 02711n,3,cf)
Click "Here" for National_States-Supp
Uncle Sam from
Steve Gibbs
| Subj:
National Jokes About States
(Includes 45 jokes and articles, 02711n,3,cf) Click "Here" for National_States-Supp |
|
Uncle Sam from Steve Gibbs |
Also see APPLICATIONS - 'Application
For Minnesota Citizenship'
BANKING file - 'Alabama
State Quarters'
BIRDS file - 'Red
Pigeon In Phoenix'
BLACKS2 file - 'Painting
Of Three Nude Black Men'
BREAST file - 'New
Bra Invented In Texas'
CARS3 file - 'Driver
Identification By State'
CLOTHING file- 'Two
Cajuns Buy Cloths In Texas'
COMPUTERS4 - 'The
Importance Of Correct E-Mail Addresses'
......................-
'Signs
You Are In The 21st Century'
DOONSBURY - (many
Arnold pictures)
ELDERLY4 file- 'Sick
Old Man Is Grateful'
FACTS4 file - 'Carolina
Bank Robber'
FART file - 'Ole
Buys Cow In Minnesota'
FOURTHOFJULY - (the whole
file)
GAMES2 file - 'Hangnun'
GENIE file - 'Minnesota
Fishing Genie'
GRAVEYARD - 'Montana
Rancher Dies'
JOBS2 file - 'Government
Road Workers'
LAWYERS2 file- 'Washington
State Attorney Season And Bag Limits'
MEN1 file - 'Wild
Party In Vermont'
MOVIE-TV-SUPP- 'Montana
Survivor TV Series'
PENIS2 file - 'Texan
Has A Baby'
OTHER-SPORTS - 'Minnesotans
Learn About New Sports'
PLANE1 file - 'Welcoming
The Troups In Maine'
POLICE2 file - 'State
Budget Proposals'
POLITICAL2 - 'Quote
Of The Year'
PREACHER file- 'Invocation
In The Kansas Senate'
QUOTES2 file - 'Bush Quotes'
SCHOOL3 file - 'Illinois
Teacher Tests'
SOUTHERN - 'When
The End Of The World Comes'
.........STORIES
file - 'Two Great
Stories'
TATTOOS file - 'Returning
From Canada w/Tattoos'
THOUGHTS WARM- 'When
My Grandmother Was A Child'
TRAIN file - 'Rail
Road Crossing In North Dakota'
YOU'RE FROM - 'Atlanta,
GA'
......................-
'You
Know You're A Coloranan If...'
......................-
'New
California Language'
......................-
'You
Know You're From Missouri If...'
......................-
'You
Know You're A Native Noo Awleanian If:'
......................-
(rest
of the file is about California)
===========================================================Top
Subj: Louisiana
Hurricane Season Notes (S298b)
From: flovilla on 10/13/2002
We're in the peak of the hurricane
season. Today,
you're going to turn on the
TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob
out in the Gulf of Mexico
and making two basic meteorological
points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting
time to be in Louisiana.
If you're new to the area, you're
probably wondering what you
need to do to prepare for the
possibility that we'll get hit
by "the big one.''
Based on my experiences, I recommend
that you follow this
simple three-step hurricane
preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled
water to last your
family for atleast three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into
your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and
remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show
that most people will not
follow this sensible plan.
Most people will foolishly stay
here in Louisiana.
I'll start with one of the most
important hurricane
preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you
own a home, you must have
hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap
and easy to get, as long as
your home meets two basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built,
and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is
located in South Louisiana,
or any other area that might
actually be hit by a hurricane,
most insurance companies would
prefer not to sell you
hurricane insurance, because
then they might be required to
pay YOU money, and that is certainly
not why they got into
the insurance business in the
first place. So you'll have
to scrounge around for an insurance
company, which will
charge you an annual premium
roughly equal to the replacement
value of your house. At
any moment, this company can drop
you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane George, I have
had an estimated 27 different
home-insurance companies.
This week, I'm covered by the
Bob and Big Stan Insurance
Company, under a policy which
states that, in addition to
my premium, Bob and Big Stan
are entitled, on demand, to
my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have
hurricane shutters on all
the windows, all the doors,
and -- if it's a major hurricane
-- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters,
with advantages and
disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage
is that, because you make
them yourself, they're cheap.
The disadvantage is that,
because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage
is that these work well,
once you get them all up. The
disadvantage is that once you
get them all up, your hands
will be useless bleeding stumps,
and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages
are that they're very
easy to use, and will definitely
protect your house. The
disadvantage is that you will
have to sell your house to
pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These
are the newest wrinkle in
hurricane protection: They look
like ordinary windows, but
they can withstand hurricane
winds! You can be sure of this,
because the salesman says so.
He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane
approaches, check your yard
for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting
relatives, etc.. You should,
as a precaution, throw these
items into your swimming pool
(if you don't have a swimming
pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise,
the hurricane winds will turn
these objects into deadly
missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live
in a low-lying area, you
should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine
whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's
license; if it says ``Louisiana,''
you live in a low-lying
area.) The purpose of
having an evacuation route is to
avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits.
Instead, you will be trapped
in a gigantic traffic jam
several miles from your home,
along with two hundred
thousand other evacuees. So,
as a bonus, you will not be
lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't
evacuate, you will need a
mess of supplies. Do not
buy them now! Louisiana tradition
requires that you wait until
the last possible minute, then
go to the supermarket and get
into vicious fights with
strangers over who get the last
can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water,
you will need the following
supplies:
23 flashlights
At least $167 worth of batteries
that turn out, when the
power goes off, to be the wrong
size for the flashlights.
Bleach.
(No, I don't know what the bleach
is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's
traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap
to your leg.
(This will be useless in a hurricane,
but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken,
to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through
Camille; after the hurricane,
there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so
that, after the hurricane
passes, you can buy a generator
from a man with no
discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic
precautions. As the hurricane
draws near, it is vitally important
that you keep abreast of
the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV
reporters in rain slickers stand
right next to the ocean and
tell you over and over how vitally
important it is for
everybody to stay away from
the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!
This also applies to S.E. Texas.
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: When
It's Cold In Buffalo (S283)
From: http://www.twistedhumor.com
on 1/9/00
50 degrees -- New Yorkers turn
on the heat.
People in Buffalo plant gardens.
40 degrees -- Californians shiver
uncontrollably.
People in Buffalo sunbathe.
35 degrees -- Italian cars won't
start.
People in Buffalo drive with the windows down.
32 degrees -- Distilled water
freezes.
Buffalo water gets thicker.
20 degrees -- Floridians wear
coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Buffalo throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees -- Californians begin
to evacuate the state.
People in Buffalo go swimming.
Zero degrees -- New York landlords
finally turn up the heat.
People in Buffalo have the last cookout
before it gets cold.
10 degrees below zero -- People
in Miami cease to exist.
People in Buffalo lick flagpoles.
20 degrees below zero -- Californians
fly away to Mexico.
People in Buffalo throw on a light jacket.
40 degrees below zero -- Hollywood
disintegrates.
People in Buffalo rent videos.
60 degrees below zero -- Mt.
St. Helens freezes.
Buffalo Girl Scouts begin selling cookies
door to door.
80 degrees below zero -- Polar
bears begin to evacuate
the Arctic. Buffalo Boy Scouts postpone
"Winter Survival" classes until it gets
cold enough.
100 degrees below zero -- Santa
Claus abandons the North
Pole. People in Buffalo pull down their ear
flaps.
173 degrees below zero -- Ethyl
alcohol freezes.
People in Buffalo get frustrated when they
can't thaw their kegs.
297 degrees below zero -- Microbial
life start to disapear.
Buffalo cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 degrees below zero -- ALL
atomic motion stops.
People in Buffalo start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 degrees below zero -- Hell
freezes over.
Buffalo wins the Stanley Cup.
\\\//
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Subj: Texas
Talk Translated To English (S326, S470b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/27/2003
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/20/2006
Phrases and their definitions
straight from a real live
cowboy...
The engine's runnin' but ain't
nobody driving.
(Not overly intelligent)
All hat, no cattle.
(All talk and no action)
We've howdied but we ain't shook
yet.
(We've made a brief acquaintance,
but not been formally
introduced)
He's got tongue enough for 10
rows of teeth.
(Talks a lot)
He looks like the dog's been
keepin' him under the porch.
(Not the most handsome of men)
As full of wind as a corn-eating
horse.
(Prone to boasting)
You can put your boots in the
oven, but that don't make
'em biscuits.
(You can say whatever you want
about something, but that
doesn't change what it is)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/20/2006
Tighter than bark on a tree.
(Not very generous.)
He thinks the sun come up just
to hear him crow.
(He has a pretty high opinion
of himself.)
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn
party.
(self-explanatory)
It's so dry the trees are bribin'
the dogs.
(We really could use a little
rain around here.)
Just because a chicken has wings
don't mean it can fly.
(Appearances can be deceptive.)
This ain't my first rodeo.
(I've been around awhile.)
They ate supper before they said
grace.
(Living in sin.)
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: Texas
(S244b)
From: flovilla on 9/8/2001
I've lived in rural Texas for
about 2 years now and I
thought I would share a few
of the thing I have learned.
I was born a Yankee, but as
they say here, I came to
Texas as fast as I could...
All the following points are
true and I have learned them
personally...
Armadillos sleep in the middle
of the road with their feet
in the air
Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep"
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,001 types of spiders. 10,000 live in Texas.
Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
Raccoons will test your crop
of melons and let you know
when they are ripe.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
There are valid reasons some
people put constatine wire
around their house.
You cannot find a country road
without a curve from corner
to corner.
A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
Texas has 5 seasons:
Spring, Feb
16 to April 15
Summer, April
16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
Super Summer,
July 16 to Sept 10 (100 to 115 degrees)
Summer, Sept.
11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
Fall, Oct
2 to Dec. 1
Winter Dec.
2 to Feb 15
The wind blows at 90 MPH from
Oct. 2 until July 15, then
it stops totally.
Onced and Twiced are words
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.
Coldbeer is one word.
People actually grow and eat Okra.
Texans really don't have an accent.
When the world ends, only cockroaches
and mesquite trees
will survive.
Green grass DOES burn.
When you live in the country,
you don't have to buy a dog.
City people drop them off at
your gate in the middle of
the night.
The sound of coyotes howling
at night only sounds good for
the first couple of weeks.
When a buzzard sits on the fence
and stares at you, it's
time to go to the doctor.
Fixinto is one word.
A tank is a dirt hole in the
ground that holds water for
irrigation.
Backards and Forards means I know everything about you.
You don't have to wear a watch
because it doesn't matter
what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
And the most important thing......There's
no place I'd
rather be than Texas!
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: In Oklahoma
Too Long, If... (S241)
From: flovilla on 9/8/2001
* Your idea of a traffic jam
is 10 cars waiting to pass
a tractor on the highway.
* "Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
* You've seen all of the biggest
bands...10 years
after they were popular.
* You measure distance in minutes.
* You know several people who have hit a deer.
* Your school classes were canceled because of the cold.
* Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
* You've ever had to switch from
"heat" to "A/C" in the
same day.
* You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better".
* Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
* Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
* You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.
* You see a car running in the
parking lot at the store
with no one in it, no
matter what time of the year.
* You use "fix" as a verb. Ex.:
I am "fixing" to go to
the store.
* All of the festivals across
the state are named
after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, or animal.
* You install security lights
on your house and garage,
and leave both unlocked.
* You think of the 4 major food
groups as beef, pork,
beer, ? Jell-O salad
with marshmallows.
* You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car.
* You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
* You only own 4 spices: salt,
pepper, ketchup, and
Tabasco.
* You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
* You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt ? boxer shorts.
* The local paper covers national
and international
news on 1 page, but requires
6 pages for sports.
* You think that deer season is a national holiday.
* You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
* You find 90 degrees F "a little warm".
* You know all 4 seasons: Almost
Summer, Summer, Still
Summer, and Christmas.
* You know if another Okie is
from southern, middle or
northern Oklahoma as
soon as they open their mouth.
* There is a Sonic in every town
with a population of
1,000 or more.
* You describe the first cool
snap (below 70 degrees)
as good gumbo weather.
* A carbonated soft drink isn't
a soda or a cola or a
pop --- it's a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor.
* Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite
pastime known as
"goin' to WallyWorld".
* You recognize that cheese grits
and catfish nuggets
is a meal that must have
been bestowed upon the
people by the Lord Himself.
* You can be satisfied with a
meal consisting only of
a hunk of bread with
flavored flour and water --- a
delicacy known
as "biscuit n' gravy".
* You actually get these jokes
and forward them to all
your friends from Oklahoma
...I'VE BEEN IN OKLAHOMA WAY TO LONG...
\\\//
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Subj: It's
So Hot In Oklahoma... (S235)
From: flovilla on 7/30/2001
The birds have to use pot holders
to pull worms
out of the ground.
Farmers are feeding their chickens
crushed ice to keep
them from laying
hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated
milk.
The trees are whistling for
the dogs.
The temperature drops below
95, the local TV weatherman
announces a "cold
spell" has arrived ? and you feel
a bit chilly.
You no longer associate bridges
(or rivers) with water.
You eat hot chilies to cool
your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes
a pretty good
branding iron.
You discover that in July, it
takes only 2 fingers
to drive your car.
You discover that you can get
a sunburn through your
car window.
You notice the best parking
place is determined by
shade instead of
distance.
Hot water now comes out of both
taps.
It's noon in August, kids are
on summer vacation, and
not one person
is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand
opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant
you step outside at
7:30 a.m. before
work.
No one would dream of putting
vinyl upholstery in a car.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear
is, "What if I get
knocked out and
end up lying on the pavement and
cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has
a liquid state.
The golf caddie's only instruction
is "play for shade!"
A sad Okie once prayed, "I wish
it would rain-not so
much for me, cuz
I've seen it-but for my 7-year-old."
A visitor to Oklahoma once asked,
"Does it ever rain
out here?" A rancher
quickly answered "Yes, it does.
Do you remember
that part in the Bible where it rained
for 40 days and
40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes,
I'm familiar with
Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher
puffed up, "we
got about two and a half inches of that."
\\\//
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Subj: Evacuation
Plans For Houston (S233b)
From: TAdams on 7/19/2001
Houston City officials just announced
the Houston Hurricane
Evacuation Plan today for an
orderly and balanced evacuation
of the city, it is as follows:
Hispanics, use I-10 West to San Antonio
Cajuns, use I-10 East to Lafayette
Rednecks, use 59 North to East Texas
Republicans, fly Continental to Washington DC
Yankees and Democrats, use 45 South to Galveston
Longhorns and T-sippers, use 290 West to Austin
Aggies, use 610 Loop
\\\//
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Subj: We've
Moved (S401)
From: JokesUncut on 10/5/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/moved.htm
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Kansas
Tourism Council Bulletin: (S226)
From: scott_pryor on 5/29/2001
This list of rules will be handed
to each person as they
enter the state.
1. That slope-shouldered farm
boy did more work before
breakfast
than you'll do all week at the gym. How'd
you like
to go home and tell your momma you got your
butt kicked
by a big guy in bib overalls?
2. It's called a 'gravel road.'
No matter how slow you
drive, you're
going to get dust on your BMW. I have a
four wheel
drive because I need it. Drive it or get
it out of
the way.
3. We all started hunting and
fishing when we were nine
years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn
fed" when talking about our
women will
get your butt kicked...by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your
$600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry
to us if
a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We
have a name
for those little 13 inch trout you fish
for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You
look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings
while a bunch of mallards are
making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You
might hope
you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. The Jayhawks and the Wildcats
are as important here as
the Lakers
and the Knicks...and a dang sight more fun
to watch.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian
Special" on the menu. Order
steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's
Salad and
pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
Yeah, we
have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two
packets of
sugar and a long spoon.
10. You bring Coke into my house,
it better be brown, wet,
and served
over ice.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand
dollar car. We're real
impressed.
We have quarter of a million dollar combines
that we use
two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight.
We have one stoplight in town.
We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and
drive trucks-because they want
to. So, you're
a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp
too-and turtle. You really
want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's
what they smell like. Get over
it. Don't
like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways-35 goes
the other
two. Pick one.
16. The "Opener" refers to the
first day of pheasant season.
It's a religious
holiday held the closest Saturday to
the first
of November. You can get breakfast at the
church.
17. So every person in every
pickup waves. It's called being
friendly.
Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses.
Don't hit in the water
hazards.
It spooks the fish.
Now, enjoy your visit and then
go home.
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: LA Elections
(S224)
From: TAdams on 3/1/2001
According to the LA Times....
"At least three dead aldermen
registered to vote in Tuesday's
mayoral primary. So did
one alderman's deceased mother,"
reporter Stephanie Simon said.
"And a dead man was listed as
the chief plaintiff in a lawsuit
filed on Election Day last November.
He was having trouble
voting, the suit said, due to
long lines at his polling
station. So he petitioned
a judge - successfully - to keep
city ballot boxes open late
You can't write jokes like this,
because people wouldn't
believe it possible. Real
life, as always, is the funniest
material.
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: A West
Virginia Love Story (S221, S646)
From: JBCARY1 on 4/25/2001
and
From: sam.hutkins on 5/22/2009
Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy bout it all,
she told her pappy so.
Pap told her,"Suzie Gal"
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't
know,
but Joe is yo half-brother.
So Suzie forgot about her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But, after telling pappy this
he said "There's trouble still".
You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo mother,
cause Will and Joe and several
mo
I know is yo half-brother"
But Mama knew and said "Honey
chile,
do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to pappy!"
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: Rolling
Blackout Theme Song! (S219)
From: KMACINTY on 4/13/2001
Rolling Blackout Theme Song - For Californians
(To the theme music from the TV western "Rawhide")
Rollin', rollin', rollin',
Though the state is golden,
Keep them blackouts rollin',
statewide.
A little colder weather,
And we all freeze together,
Wishin' more plants were on
the line.
All the things I'm missin',
Like lights and television,
Are waiting 'til we can pay
the price.
(Chorus)
Turn 'em on, turn 'em off,
Shut 'em down, block 'em out,
Turn 'em on, turn 'em off, statewide!
Brown 'em out, black 'em out,
Charge 'em more, give 'em less,
Let the pols fix the mess, statewide!
Keep movin', movin', movin',
Though they're disapprovin',
Keep them rates a-movin', statewide.
Don't try to understand 'em,
Just raise, charge, and collect
'em.
Soon we'll be livin' high and
wide.
My heart's calculatin',
Nuclear plants will be waitin',
Be waitin' at the end of my
ride.
(Chorus)
Turn 'em on, turn 'em off,
Shut 'em down, block 'em out,
Turn 'em on, turn 'em off, statewide!
Brown 'em out, black 'em out,
Charge 'em more, give 'em less,
Let the pols fix the mess, statewide!
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: New
Slogans For Florida (S199)
From: Anaise on 11/25/2000
FLORIDA: If you think we can't
vote,
wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than
you do.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the
way we count then take I-95
and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We've been Gored by
the bull of politics
and we're Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax...Retire...ReVote.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it
again! ...and
again...and again...
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts...and
counts...
and counts...
FLORIDA: This is what you get
for taking
Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We're number one!
Wait! Recount!
FLORIDA: Florida: So nice, we
let you vote twice.
FLORIDA: We put the "duh" in
Florida.
\\\//
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Subj: Congressional
Retirement System (S176, S419b)
From: RFSlick on 6/17/00
and
From: CHRISDADDYG on 2/4/2005
Our Senators and Congressmen
don't pay in to Social Security,
and, of course, they don't collect
from it. The reason is,
they have a special retirement
plan that they voted for them-
selves many years ago.
For all practical purposes, it works
like this:
When they retire, they continue
to draw their same pay, until
they die, except that it may
be increased from time to time,
by cost of living adjustments.
For instance, former Senator
Bradley, and his wife, may be
expected to draw $7,900,000,
with Mrs. Bradley drawing $275,000
during the last year of her
life. This is calculated on an
average life span for each.
This would be well and good,
except that they paid nothing in
on any kind of retirement, and
neither does any other Senator
or Congressman. This fine
retirement comes right out of the
General Fund: our tax money.
While we who pay for it all,
draw an average of $1000/month
from Social Security.
Imagine for a moment that you
could structure a retirement
plan so desirable that people
would have extra deducted so
that they could increase their
own personal retirement income.
A retirement plan that works
so well, that Railroad employees,
Postal Workers, and others who
aren't in it, would clamor to
get in. That is how good
Social Security could be, if only
one small change was made.
That change is to jerk the Golden
Fleece retirement out from
under the Senators and Congressmen,
and put them in Social
Security with the rest of us.
Then watch how fast they fix it.
If enough people receive this,
maybe one or some of them along
the way, might be able to help.
But I doubt it. How many can
YOU send it to?
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Subj: The
80's (S169)
From: collins2 on 4/17/00
The 80's were a cooler time to grow up than the 90's:
10) MTV actually played videos in the 80's.
9) There were only one kind
of Nike tennis shoes (White
with a red
swoosh), and they didn't cost $125.
8) A comb in your back pocket
is more practical and less
painful than
a ring through your nose.
7) In the 80's playing video
games actually meant going
out to DO
something.
6) In the 80's, when you were
out partying, you didn't
have to worry
about your Mom calling you on your cell
phone.
5) In the 80s we didn't have
to worry about getting our
heads blown
off at school, unless you put a whole pack
of Pop Rocks
in your mouth and drank a coke.
4) Debbie Gibson vs. Britney
Spears. New Kids on the
Block vs.
N'Sync. New Edition vs. Hanson.
3) In the early 80's there were
kids in your high school
who could
BUY ALCOHOL LEGALLY.
2) Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.
And the number one reason the
80's were a cooler time to
grow up than the 90's:
1) In the 80's you didn't have
to worry about your pants
falling down
all the time. They were so tight we
couldn't
get them off!
\\\//
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Subj: A Moral
Question (S155)
From: mbucher on 01/22/2000
This is a moral question for you.
The situation:
You are in the Northeast South
Dakota, and there is a huge
flood in progress. Many
homes have been lost, water supplies
compromised, and infrastructure
destroyed.
You are a photographer out getting
still photos for a news
service, traveling alone, looking
for particularly poignant
scenes.
Suddenly, you stumble across
Governor Bill Janklow struggling
to keep from being swept away
in a raging river and you have
the choice of rescuing him or
getting a Pulitzer prize-winning
photograph of the death of the
Governor....
...
...
OK, now the question:
(scroll down)
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
What shutter speed would you use?
\\\//
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Subj: Four
Guys From States Riding In A Car (S122)
From: thebartend on 6/1/99
Four guys are driving cross-country
together-- one from
Idaho, one from Iowa, one from
Florida, and the last one
is from New York.
A bit down the road the man from
Idaho starts to pull
potatoes from his bag and throws
them out the window. The
man from Iowa turns to him and
asks, "What the hell are
you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man,
we have so many of these
damned things in Idaho they're
laying around on the ground-
I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the
man from Iowa begins pulling
husks of corn from his bag and
throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks "What
are you doing that for?"
The man from Iowa replies, "Man,
we have so many of these
damned things in Iowa I'm sick
of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man
from Florida opens the car
door and pushes the New Yorker
out.
\\\//
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Subj: Rain
In Portland (S114)
From: RFSlick on 3/15/99
...NEWS FROM THE NORTHWEST (PORTLAND,
OREGON)......
Yesterday it was reported that
we had 15" of rain for
Jan/Feb compared to 9" last
year. It was also stated that
we are in year 3 of a 15 year
rain cycle. The following
jokes I received, pretty well
sum it up.
.. A curious fellow died one
day and found himself waiting
in the long line .. of .. judgment.
As he stood there he
noticed that some souls were
allowed to .. march .. right
through the gates of heaven.
Others, though, were led over
to .. Satan .. who threw them
into the burning pit. But
every so often, instead of ..
hurling a .. poor soul into
the fire, Satan would toss a
soul off to one side into a ..
small .. pile.
After watching Satan do this
several times, the fellow's
curiosity .. got .. the best
of him. So he strolled over
and asked Satan.....
"Excuse me, .. Prince .. of Darkness,"
he said. "I'm
waiting in line for judgment,
but I couldn't .. help ..
wondering, why are you tossing
those people aside instead
of flinging .. them .. into
the fires of hell with the
others?"
.. "Ah, those..." Satan said
with a groan. "They're all
from Portland; .. They're too
wet to burn."
\\\//
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Subj: Rejected
State Mottos: (S178, S528c)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-03
and
From: jtgalvan on 3/7/2007
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't
be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: By 30, Our Women
Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski,
Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedys
Don't Own It.....Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like
The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in
Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami
Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland
Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not,
But The Potatoes
Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce
the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal
Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With
Corn
or Land of
James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle
States
Kentucky: Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk
Cajun Wackos, But
That's Our Tourism
Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But
We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It,
We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are
Lower Than Sweden's
(For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense
From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And
10,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better
About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood
Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky,
the Unabomer,
and Very Little
Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State
Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Spend Your Money,
Then Go Away and
Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##!
Motto? I Got
Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent
Pets
New York: You Have the Right
to Remain Silent,
You Have the Right
to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a
Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got...
Um...
Dinosaur Bones?
Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only
No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's
For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY
An Island
South Carolina: Remember the
Civil War?
We Didn't Actually
Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North
Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than
Your Jesus
Vermont: Ayuh
Virginia: Who Says Government
Stiffs and
Slackjaw Yokels
Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun
By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy
Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...And
The Sheep Are Scared
\\\//
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Subj: Montana
Jokes
Top
Subj: Three
Lies Of A Montana Man (S182, S622)
What are the three biggest lies a
man from Montana tells?
See this
belt buckle? I won it in the rodeo.
My truck
is paid for.
I was just
trying to help that sheep over the fence.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
Montana -- At least our cows
are sane!
\\\//
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Subj: Short
States Jokes (S182)
 |
Subj:
California Recall By Doonesbury (S348b)
From: The Comic Strip Doonesbury by Garry Trudeau on 07/28/03 |
Top
Subj: Washington
Earthquake (S214)
From: KMACINTY on 3/8/2001
To Washington State residents:
The February 28th earthquake was just a warning.
Now that we have your attention,
sell us your power,
give us back our sunshine and
take back your rain
and we'll take back our earthquakes.
Sincerely,
The People of California
| Subj:
On A Rock In Rural Iowa (S347)
From: Imogenelumen on 9/23/2003 Six amazing photos of a rock in rural Iowa. |
 |
Top
Subj: State
Riddle
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/15/2002
I am round on the sides but high
in the middle
I am...
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
ANSWER
oHIo
Top
Subj: Why
I Love Iowa (S203)
From: KMACINTY on 12/22/2000
From a friend who really does live
in Iowa ...
When it's Christmas time in Iowa,
And the gentle breezes blow,
About seventy miles an hour
And it's fifty-two below.
You can tell you're in Iowa
'cause the snow's up to your
butt,
And you take a breath of Christmas
air
And your nose holes both freeze
shut.
The weather here is wonderful,
So I guess I'll hang around,
I could NEVER leave Iowa.
My feet are frozen to the ground
In 1900 drive-by shootings --
in which teenage boys
galloped down the street on
horses and started randomly
shooting at houses, carriages,
or anything else that
caught their fancy -- were an
ongoing problem in Denver
and other cities in the West.
In 1900 the population of Las
Vegas, Nevada was thirty.
The remote desert community
was inhabited by only a
handful of ranchers and their
families.
The Boston University Bridge
(on Commonwealth Avenue,
Boston, Massachusetts) is the
only place in the world
where a boat can sail under
a train driving under a car
driving under an airplane.
The only state whose name is
just one syllable is?
Maine is the only state whose
name is just one syllable.
In which state is 2/3rd's of
the world's eggplant grown?
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant
is grown in New Jersey.
From: dogbyte on 9/17/2002 (S294b)
Things were getting pretty hot
in the back of my car
when she screamed out.... "Kiss
Me Where it Smells!!"
So I drove her to New Jersey!
State with the highest percentage
of people who
walk to work: Alaska.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only
U.S. state capital
without a McDonalds.
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
Texas is also the only state
that is allowed to fly its
state flag at the same height
as the U.S. flag.
From: auntieg 98-05-09
All 50 states are listed across
the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back
of the $5 bill.
The highest point in Pennsylvania
is lower
than the lowest point in Colorado.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
In Kansas City, KS, saying the
name “George Washington”
without adding the phrase “blessed
be his name,” can land
you with a fine of up to fifty
cents.
From: vcar.lew on 98-09-01
"I think that's how Chicago
got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee,
I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'" -- Richard
Jeni
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal
to catch mice without
a hunting license.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/4/2001 (S229)
"People from Minnesota make
fun of people from Wisconsin-
that's like warring trailer
parks."-Jackie Kashian
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #297 - Quickies!
on 4/18/99
Q: Do you know how West Virginians
practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X's on the
back of
the animals that
kick.
\\\//
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 |
Smiley at Mt. Rushmore from
Smiley_Central |