.
.
>>>
Subj:     Phone Jokes
                 (Includes 37 jokes and articles, 27 1033,14,cf,wYT3,8)

          Click "Here" for Phone-Supp
            and "Here" for Phone-Supp2


Pay Phone from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Break of Day Cartoons (S962 in Supp2)
.........................Guiding Hands - Video (S1016 in Supp2)
.........................Your New Dial Phone - Video (S1030 in Supp2)
.........................Information Please (S70, S513b in Supp2)
.........................Shark Selfie - Drawing (S1013 in Supp2)
.........................Smartphone Addiction - Animation (S1033 in Supp2)
.........................
.........................Candorville Comic Strip (S908 in Supp)
.........................Cell Phone Magic - Video (S911 in Supp)
.........................Stare At The Samsung S4 To Win It - Video (S855 - Supp)
.........................iDoctor - Smartphone, Future Of Medicine-Video (S8520 -Supp)
.........................Holiday Medley!-Victoria Justice/Max Schneider-Vid(S833-Sup)
.........................Grandparents Answering Machine: (S821 in Supp)
.........................European Fake Cell Phone Commercial - Video (S769 in Supp)
.........................Jerry Seinfeld - Answering Machine Messages-Videos(S766-Sup)
.........................Eric's Train Ride (S802)
.........................Bruce Lee Plays Ping Pong With Nunchucks - Video (S740-Supp)
.........................Kid Calls 911 For Help With Math - Video (S711b in Supp)
.........................Morse Code Vs Text Messaging - Videos (S685 in Supp)
.........................The Bat Phone (S746 in Supp)
.........................Samsung's Flexible OLED Screen - Video (S685b in Supp)
.........................Sumsing's New Phone - Video (S680b in Supp)
.........................Phone Scam (S149 in Supp)
.........................Dangers of Cell And Remote Phones (S664b in Supp)
.........................Free 411 On Cell Phones (S526c in Supp)
.........................GOOG411 (S618b in Supp)
.........................The Truth About GOOG411 (S618b in Supp)
.........................Verizon Customer Makes A Phone Call- Video (S607b in Supp)
.........................Cell Phone Info (S491c in Supp)
.........................Automated Phone Hell - Video (S631 in Supp)
.........................Phone Sex Through Moldova (in Supp)
.........................5-year-old Savannah's 911 Call - Video (S683 in Supp)
.........................Cell Phone For Seniors (S705 in Supp)
.........................If You're Having A Bad Day (S89, S574b in Supp)
.........................
.........................Lilly Tomlin As Ernestine - Video (S1011)
.........................Using A Highway Rest Stop (S276, S526b)
.........................Mrs Brown's Mischievous Call - Video (S892)
.........................Phone Hog (S229)
.........................Veterinarian Gets Phone Call At 2:00 AM (S130)
.........................Bizarro Comic Strip (S622c)
.........................Wife Seeks Gypsie Healer (S138, S426b)
.........................Blonde Gets A Cell Phone (S364b)
.........................National Do NOT Call Registry - Web Site (S332, S609)
.........................Elderly Lady's Phone Wouldn't Ring (S388, S773)
.........................Ordering A Pizza By Phone (S363b)
.........................Hands-Free Cell Phones (S355, S595b)
.........................Eliminating Speakerphones At Work (S323)
.........................If Your Phone Number Is In The Book (S322b)
.........................Cute Cell Phone Cartoon (S423)
.........................Suing Telemarketers (S279)
.........................The Difference Between Anger And Exasperation (S125b, S322)
.........................The Pope And Chief Rabbi Phone The Lord
.........................Real Answering Machine Messages...
.........................More Answering Machine Messages
.........................Answering Machine At Mental Hospital (S287)
.........................Mental Health Hotline - Video (S763)
.........................Short Phone Jokes
..............................Dilbert Comic Strip (S667 in Supp)
..............................Mother Goose And Grimm (S683 in Supp)
..............................A Modern Intimate Phone Call (S858 in Supp)
..............................Nestle Crunch Hot Line - Video (S683 in Supp)
..............................Calling The 411 Operator (S739 in Supp)
..............................New Orleans 911 Call (S591 in Supp)
..............................Redneck 911 Call - Audio (S608 in Supp)
..............................Mosquito Ringtones Audio (S562 in Supp)
..............................One Big Happy (S597c in Supp)
..............................Collect Call (S750)
..............................Spaghetti Telecom (S592b in Supp)
..............................Cellphone Etiquette - Video (S577c in Supp)
..............................OB-Gyn Phone Answering Message - Audio (S570 in Supp)
..............................iPhone Mystery - Game (S570 in Supp)
..............................911 Call For The Postman - Video (S578c in Supp)
..............................Religious Traffic Sign! (S567b in Supp)
..............................Frank And Ernest On Cell Phones (S556b in Supp)
..............................Bees and Mobile Phones (S535c in Supp)
..............................Telemarketer Nightmare - Audio (S510b in Supp)
..............................The Secret Homeland Security Hotline Phone (S492c-Supp)
..............................Phone Sex Case (S489 in Supp)
..............................Ordering A Pizza By Phone II - Video (S486 in Supp)
..............................Psychiatric Office Answering Machine-Audio (S483c-Supp)
..............................
..............................Palisades High School Answering Machine - Audio (S471)
..............................Cell Phone Holder (S467b)
..............................A Phone Call To Grandpa - Video (S461, S852)
..............................Caller IQ Box (S453b)
..............................Cell Phone Call From Texas - Audio (S452b, S815)
..............................The WMV Video "... Wife Called" (S452)
..............................Rooney's Tips For Telemarketers (S436b)
..............................Abundance Of Cell Phones (S353)
..............................You Won't Believe This Phone Bill (S320b)
..............................Large Phone Bill (S263c)
..............................Romanian Phone Sex (S263c)

Also see BAR2 file    - 'Man With Hand Phone Goes Into A Bar' (fax)
         BAR-SUPP     - 'Stare At Your Phone' - Sign
         BIRDS file   - 'Rubes Cartoon'
         BLONDE file  - 'Two Sisters Buy A Bull'
.........BUTLER-MAID  - 'The New Maid'
.........CHURCH file  - 'The Golden Telephone To Heaven'
         COMPUTER4    - 'Signs That You Are In The 21st Century'
.........CONTRACTOR   - 'Irish Girl Calls Demolition Company'
         DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Telephone Relay Night Watchman Dies'
         DATING3 file - 'Getting Girls Phone Numbers In England'
         FACTS2 file  - 'Answering The Phone Nude'
......................- 'Phone Won't Stop Ringing?'
......................- 'Mom Dials Cops For Daughter'
         FAIRYTALE-SUP- 'Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip'
         FAMOUS-GATES - 'Bill Gates And Farting' (phone and fax)
.........FOOD-SUPP    - 'Jimmy Dean Sausage Phone Call'
         FOOD-SUPP2   - 'Zits Comic Strip' - Drying Cell Phones
         FROG file    - 'Frog Phones Pyschic Hotline'
.........GOD2 file    - 'God's Voice Mail'
         HEAD-ADS-SUPP- 'ADG Alarm Company' - Video
         HOSPITAL2    - 'Sarah Finkel's Hospital Condition'
         HOTEL file   - 'Hotel Guest Phones For Sex'
         JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'Best Out Of Office Auto Replies'
.........KIDS2 file   - 'Boss Talks To Child'
         LAWYER1 file - 'Lawyer And His Adulterous Wife'
         MANNERS/ADVIC- 'Dear Abby On Cell Phones And Texting' - Article
         MARRIAGE3    - 'The Perfect Husband'
......................- 'The Perfect Husband II' - Video
         MATH1 file   - '911 Math' - Video
         MATH4-SUPP   - 'PUZZLE - Phone Number Calculation'
         MIDDLE EAST  - 'Hussein Calls Bush'
         MOTHER-SUPP  - 'Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip'
         NEW YORKER   - 'New Yorkers And Their Cell Phones'
         POPE file    - 'The Pope And A Call From God'
         REDNECK-SUPP - 'Three Nationalities In A Sauna' (fax)
         RELIGION1    - 'Cell Phone Vs. The Bible'
         RIDDLE-SUPP  - 'What Book Riddle'
         SCHOOL3 file - 'Palisades High School Answering Machine'
         SCHOOL-SUPP  - 'Teacher-Pupil Joke3'
         SCIENCE2 file- 'Archeologists f/Three Countries Dig'
         SEX1 file    - 'Guide To Safe Fax'
         SOLDIER-SUPP - 'New Colonel's First Day'
         WordJoke1    - 'The First Human Clone'

============================================================Top
Subj:     Lilly Tomlin As Ernestine (S1011)
          From: Gary Stranger on Facebook on 5/26/2016
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/ISZ9UOBwRFA
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.......
.
.......Click 'HERE' to see Ernestine calls General Motors.
.
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Top
Subj:     Using A Highway Rest Stop (S276, S526b)
          From: kmacinty on 5/17/2002
      and From: BennoRo on 2/18/2007

 I left Montreal heading toward Quebec City, when I decided
 to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied,
 so I went into the second one.  I was no sooner seated than
 I heard a voice from thenext stall: "Hi, how are you doing?"

 Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway
 comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what
 possessed me, but I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not
 bad."

 Next the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"  Talk
 about your dumb questions!  I was really beginning to
 think this was too weird!  So I said: "Well, just like
 you I'm driving east."

 Then, I heard the stranger say, "Look, I'll call you back,
 there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the
 questions I'm asking you."

Top
Subj:     Mrs Brown's Mischievous Call (S892d)
          Posted by BBC
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/MbdoO8IiyrQ

 Grandad has fallen asleep sitting on Hilary's mobile phone.
 When Hilary hears her phone ringing, she has no choice but
 to take the call from Grandad's lap.  Click 'HERE' to see
 this video clip from Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas Specials
 on BBC.

Top
Subj:     Phone Hog (S229)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/7/2001

 Mrs. Smith was in the habit of having long conversations on
 the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour.  One day she
 hung up after 25 minutes.

 "What is the matter today?", asked her husband.  "Today you
 had less than half an hour conversation on the phone."

 "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Smith.

Top
Subj:     Veterinarian Gets Phone Call At 2:00 AM (S130)
          From: RFSlick on 7/26/99

 A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got
 home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting
 with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after
 which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

 At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.  "Is this the
 vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

 "Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

 "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of
 cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I
 can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

 There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then
 patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted
 on the phone"

 "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

 "Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

Top
Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S622c)
          by Dan Piraro on 12/13/2008
 Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/december-13-2008/
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Top
Subj:     Blonde Gets A Cell Phone (S364b)
          From: Imogenelumen on 1/20/2004

 A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie,
 something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he
 decided to buy her a cell phone.  He showed her the phone
 and explained to her all of its features.  Susie was excited
 to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

 The next day Susie went shopping.  Her phone rang and, to
 her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.  "Hi
 Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"  Susie
 replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is
 clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand
 though..."!

 "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

 "How did you know I was at Walmart?"

Top
Subj:     Wife Seeks Gypsie Healer (S138, S426b)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/19/1999

 A caravan of gypsies arrived in a small town in Kansas.  A
 local lady heard about this band of mystics and decided to
 see if a particular miracle worker tagged along with them.
 Asking around for this healer, she found herself inside a
 tent.  "Are You Bernardo the Miracle Man?" she asked the old
 man.

 "Yes, I am," he replied, pleased to find someone interested
 in his services.

 "Is it true that you clasped the ears of a deaf man and gave
 him the ability to hear?"

 "Yes, it is true," said Bernardo.

 "Is it true that you brushed your fingers against the eyelids
 of a blind man and gave him the ability to see?"

 "Yes, that is also true," said Bernardo.

 At this point she went outside of the tent and rolled in her
 husband who sat in a wheelchair looking lifeless.  "Well then,
 do you think you could help my husband?"

 "I can try," Bernardo said.  "Is he paralyzed?"

 "Even worse," she replied.  "He works for the phone company."

Top
Subj:     National Do NOT Call Registry (S332, S609)
          From: gibbz on 6/7/2003
 Source: www.donotcall.gov
Drawing from
National Do NOT Call Registry

 Register your home phone and cell phones at the "National
 Do NOT Call Registry" at the above source to prevent
 telemarketers from having access to your numbers.

 It will only take a minute of your time to blocks your
 numbers for five (5) years. You can call 888-382-1222 to
 block you cell phone number.  You cannot call from a
 different phone number to block a cell phone number.

 This National Registry was verified by Snopes.com at
 http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/pending/donotcall.asp

Top
Subj:     Elderly Lady's Phone Wouldn't Ring (S388, S773)
          From: Ptm1225 on 6/21/2004
      and From: virv on 11/6/2011

 An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that
 her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and
 that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog
 always moaned right before the phone rang.  The telephone
 repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
 psychic dog or senile elderly lady.  He climbed a nearby
 telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
 subscriber's house.  The phone didn't ring right away, but
 then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
 Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire
    via a steel chain and collar.
 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
 3. The dog was receiving 9 volts of signaling current when
    the phone number was called.
 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning
    and then urinate on himself and the ground.
 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing
    the phone to ring.  Which demonstrates that some problems
    CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Top
Subj:     Ordering A Pizza By Phone (S363b)
          From: RFSlick on 1/6/2004

 (See 'Ordering A Pizza By Phone II' in PHONE-SUPP
  and 'FBI Orders Pizza' in POLICE1)

 ARE WE COMING TO THIS or ARE WE ALREADY THERE?

 Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have
            your order?"

 Customer: "Hello, can I order.."

 Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number
            first, Sir?"

 Customer: "It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610"

 Operator: "OK... you're... Mr. Sheehan and you're calling
            from 17 Meadow Drive.  Your home number is
            494 2366, your office 745 2302 and your mobile
            is 014 266 2566. Would you like to have the
            delivery made to 17 Meadow Drive?

 Customer: "Yes, how did you get all my phone numbers?"

 Operator: "We are connected to the system, Sir"

 Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

 Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"

 Customer: "How come?"

 Operator: "According to your medical records, you have
           high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol
            level Sir"

 Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

 Operator: "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza.  You'll
            like it"

 Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

 Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Soybean
            Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last
            week Sir"

 Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized
            ones then, how much will that cost?

 Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10,
            Sir.  The total is $49.99.

 Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

 Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir.  Your
            credit card is over the limit and you're owing
           your bank $3720.55 since October last year"

 Operator: "That's not including the late payment charges
            on your housing loan Sir.

 Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM
            and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

 Operator: "You can't do that Sir.  Based on the records,
            you've reached your daily limit on machine
            withdrawal today."

 Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the
            cash ready.  How long is it gonna take anyway?"

 Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait
            you can always come and collect it on your
            motorcycle..."

 Customer: " What the..?"

 Operator: "According to the details in system, you own
            a Harley,...registration number E1123..."

 Customer: "@#%/$@??#"

 Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on
            July15, 1987 you were convicted of using
            abusive language to a policeman.

 Customer: (Speechless)

 Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"

 Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving
            me that 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?"

 Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records
            you're also diabetic....... " !!!!

Top
Subj:     Hands-Free Cell Phones (S355, S595b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 11/20/2003
      and From: cappucinid on 6/17/2008

 I don't know if you've heard, but starting July 1, 2008 (in
 the US) you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while
 driving unless you have a "hands free" adapter.  I went to
 Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a boom
 microphone for my cell phone. I have come up with an
 alternative, working through Office Depot.

 These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size
 fits all.  I paid $0.08 each because I bought in quantity.
 I'm selling them for $1.00.  I tried them out on Erickson,
 Motorola, ? Nokia Sprint PCS phones and they worked perfectly.
 
Take a look
at the photo
to the right
and
let me know
if you
want one. 

 Also, please
forward this
to anyone
you know
who may
want one!

Top
Subj:     Eliminating Speakerphones At Work (S323)
          From: jerry on 4/1/2003

 Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted
 upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone
 (at full volume, naturally)?

 It can really begin to bother you after a while.  However,
 I found a fairly easy fix for that, though.  I have a
 young lady call his desk when he's not there and leave a
 message like this:  "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE.
 You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty
 boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you,
 would you?"

 It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone.

 Taken verbatim from the Dear Webby Humor Ezine at
 http://webby.com/humor/index.html

Top
Subj:     If Your Phone Number Is In The Book (S322b)
          From: JBCARY1 on 3/28/2003

 Go to www.google.com then type in your phone number in the
 Search field (entering your full telephone number separated
 by dashes i.e. 404-555-0000).  If your phone number is listed
 it will show your name and address and give you two map
 options, Yahoo and MapQuest.

 See how accurate the map is linked to your phone number.
 There is a new feature that makes it possible to type a
 telephone number into Google's search bar, click the search
 button, and have a MapQuest page returned as a result.

 Any person wishing to discover the physical location of a
 phone number, be it a home or business address, could use
 this feature to locate a physical street address, and
 receive explicit directions on how to get there from any-
 where in the country.  One positive use of this feature
 could be to determine the location of, say, a party for
 whom you may only have a telephone number.  On a negative
 note, this feature could also be used by an angry party
 to find out where you live.

 Google has made available an option that will allow anyone
 to remove their telephone number from the database that is
 linked to the mapping feature. You will first need to check
 if your number is listed in this manner by attempting a
 search - entering your full telephone number separated by
 dashes (e. g., 404-555-0000).  If the number appears in the
 mapping database, an icon resembling a telephone will appear
 next to the first or second entry on the results page.

 Clicking on this icon will take you to a page containing a
 description of the service,and a link to request your number
 be removed from the database.

Top
Subj:     Cute Cell Phone Cartoon (S423)
          From: DoctorDebt on 3/1/2005
.
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.
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Top
Subj:     Suing Telemarketers (S279)
          From: jerry on 6/4/2002

 Kudos to Joe Shields of Houston, Texas, for winning a
 lawsuit against Lone Star Utility Savers, Inc., a
 telemarketing company which Judge Gary Michael Block
 has now ordered that the owner henceforth must leave
 his own home telephone number on all recorded messages
 played to frustrated recipients so they can call him
 at his home and complain to him.

 The judge also ordered the company to stop calling
 people without their explicit consent and to pay
 Shield's legal fees.  To date Shield has won nearly
 $100,000 in judgments and settlements against
 telemarketers.

 Houston Chronicle 11-May-02

Top
Subj:     The Difference Between Anger And Exasperation (S125b, S322)
          From: KMacinty on 6/8/99
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 3/27/2003

 A young girl asked her father, dad, what's the difference
 between anger and exasperation?"

 The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree.  Let
 me show you what I mean."  With that the father went to the
 telephone an dialed a number at random.  To the man who
 answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

 The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin.
 Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"

 "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a
 bit happy with our call.  He was probably very busy with
 something and we annoyed him.  Now watch . . . "  The father
 dialed the number again.  "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked
 the father.

 "Now look here!" came the heated reply.  "You just called
 this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here!
 You've got a lot of nerve calling again!"  The receiver
 slammed down hard.

 The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that
 was anger.  Now I'll show you what exasperation means."

 He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared,
 "Hello!"  The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin.
 Have there been any calls for me?"

Top
Subj:     The Pope And Chief Rabbi Phone The Lord
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #88 on 98-04-10

 The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in
 Rome.  The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side
 table in the Pope's private chambers.

 "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

 "It's my direct line to the Lord!"

 The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices.  The Holy
 Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he
 is connected to the Lord.  The Rabbi holds a lengthy
 discussion with Him.  After hanging up the Rabbi says.
 "Thank you very much.  This is great!  But listen, I want
 to pay for my phone charges."

 The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and
 finally, the pontiff gives in.  He checks the counter on
 the phone and says: "All right! The charges were 100,000
 Lira. ($56)

 The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.  A few
 months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit.
 In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to
 his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.

 The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires
 divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
 The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope
 chats away.  After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for
 the phone charges.  This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to
 accept payment.  After the Pope insists, the Chief Rabbi
 relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel
 50!" ($0.42)

 The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"

 The Rabbi smiles and says, "It's a local call."

Top
Subj:     Real Answering Machine Messages...
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #12 on 98-01-13
Photo from PaulDavidson.net

 This set of wonderful answering maching messages is so large
 it needs to be a seperate file. Click 'HERE' to read them.
.
Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009
.

Subj:     More Answer Machine Messages
          From: RFSlick on 98-03-09

 Click 'HERE' to read this supplemental file.

Top
Subj:     Answering Machine At Mental Hospital (S287)
          From: KMACINTY on 7/30/2002

 (Also see "Mental Health Hotline" below)

 "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

 If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
 for you.

 If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

 If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.

 Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
 transferred to the mother ship.

 If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small
 voice will tell you which number to press.

 If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
 number you press, no one will answer.

 If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

 If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the
 pound key until a representative comes on the line.

 If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name,
 address, telephone number,date of birth, social
 security number, and your mother's maiden name.

 If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y
 ? c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

 If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message
 after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
 Please wait for the beep.

 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you
 have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-
 term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory
 loss, press 9.

 If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.  All
 operators are too busy to talk to you."

 If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay
 down ? cry. You won't be crazy forever.

 If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just
 mess it up.

Top
Subj:     Mental Health Hotline (S763d) 
          From: allenbergman on 8/23/2011
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/QXx-n6T7tZg

 (Also see "Psychiatric Office Answering Machine" in Psych-Supp
       and "Answering Machine At Mental Hospital" above)

 Click 'HERE' to see this cute fifty-three second video.


Subj:     Short Phone Jokes
 
 
Top
Subj:    Palisades High School Answering Machine
         From: jtgalvan (S471d in School3)
         on 1/23/2006
 Listen to and read about the fictional answering
 machine message from Palisades Charter High School by click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Cell Phone Holder (S467b)
          From: grs on 12/29/2005
 You can view the latest Cell Phone holder by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     A Phone Call To Grandpa (S461d, S852)
          From: darrell94590 on 11/16/2005
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/jcl9zP2o_Dk
 A very cute, short, sexy Amstrad videophone ad from England.
 In it a young man shows his grandpa his new hiking boots.
 You can view this old ad by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Caller IQ Box (S453b)
..........From: LABLaughsClean on 9/27/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 Cute cartoon.  You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Cell Phone Call From Texas
          From: tnkr (in Movies)
          on 9/17/2005  (S452b, S815d)
 Source: http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=2998
 This is a recording of a cell phone call from Texas which
 was played on the Morning Radio Show on March 24,2005.  It
 is so funny that Tinker wrote "Do not... I repeat, do not...
 listen to this with a full bladder!  Do not eat or drink
 while playing this!"

 You can listen to the very funny radio show by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     The WMV Video "... Wife Called" (S452d)
          From: darrell94590 on 9/13/2005
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/PhAsNPqS06Q
 This is a very cute sexy commercial for the Moto E815.  A
 wife sends her husband a sexy, cell phone video.  You can
 view the very funny, short video by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Rooney's Tips For Telemarketers (S436b)
          From: RFSlick of 6/1/2005
 Finally....a worthwhile bit of advice:
 Andy Rooney's tips for Telemarketers

 Three Little Words That Work !!

 (1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
 Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking
 off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each
 telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler
 room sales would grind to a halt.

 Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-
 beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang
 up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

 These three little words will help eliminate telephone
 soliciting.
 

Top
Subj:     Abundance Of Cell Phones (S353)
          From: woneye on 11/4/2003
 I was thinking about how the status symbol of today is
 those cell phones that everyone has clipped on.  I can't
 afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
 

Top
Subj:     You Won't Believe This Phone Bill (S320b)
          From: BennoRo on 3/14/2003
          Source: Cathryn Conroy, CompuServe News Editor
 There's no avoiding taxes and death--and apparently phone
 bills.  David Towles, who passed on to his great reward
 in December 1997 at the age of 60, received a Sprint phone
 bill last week.  For 12 cents. For a call he made (supposedly)
 on February 16, five years after he died!  Sprint did a good
 job of tracking him down to try to get their 12 cents.  The
 address was right: Hillside Cemetery, Evergreen Section,
 Auburn, Mass. 01501.

 Cemetery Superintendent Wayne Bloomquist told The Associated
 Press, "Our clients here don't usually get mail.  Maybe we
 should start putting mailboxes on the monuments."  Now there's
 another problem.  Because Towles hasn't paid the bill yet,
 he's been hit with late charges.  He now owes $3.95, reports
 AP. The bill has been turned over to the Auburn town clerk.
 

Top
Subj:     Large Phone Bill (S263c)
          From: jerry on 2/12/2002
 Telecom, a telephone company in New Zealand, sent a
 customer a phone bill with an extra $300 charge for
 being "an arrogant bastard."

 The company says they have started an investigation
 to determine which, of their 1,500 customer service
 people, are responsible for this.

 New Zealand Press Association via stuff.co.nz (13-Feb-02)
 

Top
Subj:     Romanian Phone Sex (S263c)
          From: jerry on 2/13/2002
 A Romanian man who fell asleep while listening to a
 telephone sex line, running up a bill of about $1,400,
 equivalent to a year's pay in Romania.

 He says he won't pay because the line was boring.  He
 faces jail if he refuses to pay.

 Ananova (12-Feb-02)
 

 In 1900 only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.  A three-
 minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

 There are more collect calls on this day than any other day
 of the year.  Father's Day

 AT?T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying
 he lacked "intellectual leadership".  He received a $26
 million severance package.  Perhaps it's not Walter who's
 lacking intelligence.

 The international telphone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

From: JOELFALLON on 98-12-04
 Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is.
 So you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
 Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
 A: Cell phones.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/16/2001 (S255)
 For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue
 to grow but phone calls taper off."  -- Johnny Carson

From: Anon Jr. on 6/1/2004 (S383 - in Middle East)
 Q: Why are long distance calls in Persia so expensive?
 A: Why, because they are Persian to Persian.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/19/2005 (S438b)
 Q: There are more collect calls on this day than
    any other day of the year?
 A: Father's Day

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