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Subj:     Plane2 Jokes
                 (Includes 52 jokes and articles, 05990,6,cf,wYT3,4)

          Click "Here" for Plane-Supp
          Click "Here" for Plane-Supp2
 


Apache Copter from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  XXL's Airport Love - Video (S892 in Supp2)
.........................WestJet Christmas Miracle - Video (S932 in Supp2)
.........................European Air Traffic In A 24 Hour Period - Video (S895-Sup2)
.........................Top Gear - James May Rides In A U-2 Spy Plane - Vid(S901-S2)
.........................Canadian Develops Futuristic Hoverboard - Video (S990 -Sup2)
.........................Wile E Coyote's Health Tip - Drawing (S941 in Supp2)
.........................Cheap Flights With Subtitles - Videos (S794 in Supp2)
.........................B-24 Liberator Willow Run Assembly Plant - Video (S859-Sup2)
.........................F-35B Sea Trials - Video (S782 in Supp2)
.........................Gibraltar Airport - Photos/Video (S752 in Supp2)
.........................A Romance Novel (S869 in Supp2)
.........................WASP X-Jet Flying Machine - Video (S749 in Supp2)
.........................3 Things I Learned While My Plane Crashed - Vid (S748-Supp2)
.........................Duct Taping A Plane In Alaska (S750 in Supp2)
.........................Quotes from Plane Crews (S236, S451b in Supp2)
.........................How To Launch A Float Plane - Video (S623c in Supp2)
.........................In Descent Proposal - Video (S821 in Supp2)
.........................
.........................Photo Of Harrison Ford's Crash - Photo (S944 in Supp)
.........................TSA Song By Buck Howdy - Video (S747 in Supp)
.........................Twilight Landing At LAX (Cockpit View) - Video (S733 - Supp)
.........................Terrafugia Transition - First Flight Video (S692b in Supp)
.........................Russian Fighter SU-30MK - Videos (S689 in Supp)
.........................Airplane Toilet Paper Experiment - Video (S688b in Supp)
.........................F-35B STOVL Flight - Videos (S616)
.........................Priest And A Hair Dryer On A Plane (S615b in Supp)
.........................Lost Luggage - Video (S555b in Supp)
.........................Free Exchange Flight (S494c in Supp)
.........................B29-X1 Model Planes - Video (S533b in Supp)
.........................I Wish You Enough (S527 in Supp)
.........................Ameriquest's Airlines Commercial - Video (S585c in Supp)
.........................Getting A Bad Potato On A Flight (S512 in Supp)
.........................Be Careful Where You Parasurf - Video (S596 in Supp)
.........................
.........................World Air Traffic 24 Hour Period - Video (S921)
.........................The General And The Screaming Kid (S469b)
.........................Police Dog On A Commercial Flight (S463)
.........................FedEx Arrivals During Thunderstorms (S486c)
.........................Flight Offers Free Drinks (S436)
.........................Three Black Ladies Prepare For Flight (S402)
.........................Doing It On The Airplane (S309b)
.........................How To Save The Airlines (S286, S503c)
.........................Flight Attendent In A Bar (S286b)
.........................Airport Screening (S273c)
.........................What Time Is It? (S147, S441b)
.........................Instrument Flying... (S236)
.........................Comments To US Travel Agents (S231)
.........................All Female Flight Crew (S228)
.........................Dogfight (S221)
.........................Bad Boy On Plane Meets General (S182)
.........................AirportGag2 (S169)
.........................Gay Male Flight Attendant (S166, S466b)
.........................Pilot Lands At Secret Base (S126b, S558c)
                         Short Plane Joke
..............................Lutheran Airlines - Video/Audio (S766 in Supp2)
..............................Modern Hot Air Balloons (S846 in Supp2)
..............................Aircraft Detection Before Radar (S756 in Supp2)
..............................Kulula Airlines Photos/Video (S754 in Supp2)
..............................
..............................Aircraft Slams Into 4 Buildings (S734 in Supp)
..............................Grandma Got Molested At The Airport - Video (S724-Supp)
..............................Top TSA Bumper Stickers And Slogans (S723 in Supp)
..............................Rogers Political Cartoons (S723 in Supp)
..............................Cebu Pacific FAs Dancing - Video (S716 in Supp)
..............................RC Car, Boat, Plane, Hydro-Foam (S691 in Supp)
..............................Mallard Comic Strip (S680b in Supp)
..............................RC SR-71 Jet w/Real Engines - Video (S677b in Supp)
..............................The Red Sparrows - Video (S665b in Supp)
..............................Beautiful Babes Of WWII - PPS (S659b in Supp)
..............................Non Sequitur Cartoon (S657b in Supp)
..............................Bizarro Comic Strip (S646b in Supp)
..............................The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S641c in Supp)
..............................Kalinin K-7 Russian Bomber (S640b in Supp)
..............................Flight Attendant Busts Pre-Flight Rhymes (S637b - Supp)
..............................Animation w/Audio Of Sully's Landing (S637c in Supp)
..............................1942 Re-mastered Photos - PPS (S634b)
..............................Stunt Plane Loses Its Wing - Video (S616c in Supp)
..............................In The Air - PPS (S564b in Supp)
..............................Will Fly For Food Sign (S549c in Supp)
..............................Airline Beauties (S584c in Supp)
..............................Round The World Saga of "Pacific Clipper" (S579b-Supp)
..............................Model Plane-Flying Contest - Video (S576b in Supp)
..............................F/A-37 (S575b in Supp)
..............................New Airport Runway In Portugal (S569c in Supp)
..............................An SR-71 Driver Speaks (S567 in Supp)
..............................SR-71 Blackbird Pilot Brian Shul (S616b in Supp)
..............................Very Old Fighter Planes - PPS (S563c in Supp)
..............................The Besler Steam Plane (S562b in Supp)
..............................Unusual Aircraft - PPS (S611b)
..............................Strangers On My Flight (S549 in Supp)
..............................New Airplane Cabins (S543c in Supp)
..............................Festival de Montgolfieres - PPS (S537 in Supp)
..............................Global Hawk (S536c in Supp)
..............................Airport Cookies - PPS (S535b in Supp)
..............................Learn To Fly Sign (S528b in Supp)
..............................Photos of the "Boneyard" (S516 in Supp)
..............................C-5 Galaxy Runway Accident (S496c in Supp)
..............................18 Pictures Of The Blue Angels (S488 in Supp)
..............................Paper Airplanes - Nakamura (S546b in Supp)
..............................
..............................How To Tell If There's Terrorist At The Airport (S456b)
..............................Airline's Special Offer For Wives (S285b)
..............................Lightening Strike 1 To 3 (S437)
..............................Getting A Ticket From A Flasher (S301b)
..............................DC-9 Window Frame Crack (S436b)
..............................Airplane Water (S302)
..............................Broken Changing Tables On Planes (S295)
..............................Polish Terrorist (S276)
..............................73 Year Old Can't Board Plane (S275)
..............................Dumb Airport Security (S258)
..............................Exhibitionist Boards Plane (S198)
..............................Two Vulture Fly South (S153, S610c)

============================================================Top
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Subj:     World Air Traffic 24 Hour Period (S921d)
          From: Diane Malicki on Facebook
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/z1US_4uf4YE
 Source2: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10150411305715712

 This video is a 24 hour observation of all of the large aircraft
 flights in the world, condensed down to about 1 minute.  You can
 tell it was summer time in the north by the sun's footprint over
 the planet. You could see that it didn't quite set in the extreme
 north and it didn't quite rise in the extreme south.  The yellow
 dots are the aircrafts.

 Notice that as evening approaches, the traffic is predominantly
 from the US to Europe and when daylight comes, the traffic switches
 and it is predominantly from Europe to the US.  Click 'HERE' to
 see this amazing one minute video.

Top
Subj:     The General And The Screaming Kid (S469b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/13/2006

 As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is
 shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to
 throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated,
 embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy
 continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

 Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the
 uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking for-
 ward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an
 upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General
 leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers some-
 thing into the boy's ear.

 Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand,
 and quietly fastens his seat belt.

 All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.  As
 the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
 cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

 "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you
 what magic words you used on that little boy?"

 The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed
 him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and
 explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the
 plane door, on any flight I choose."

Top
Subj:     Police Dog On A Commercial Flight (S463)
          From: darrell94590 on 12/5/2005

 A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on
 the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat putting
 his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the
 man.

 The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks the
 second why the dog is allowed on the plane is.  The second
 man explains that he is a DEA agent and the dog is a
 "sniffing dog."  The dog's name is Sniffer and he is the
 best sniffing dog that there is.

 "Once we become airborne, I will show you when I put him to
 work," says the second man.

 The plane takes off and once it has leveled out, the agent
 says, "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to search.

 Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
 very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds.
 Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
 agent's arm.

 The agent says, "Good boy," then turns to the man and says,
 "That woman is in possession of marijuana so I'm making a
 note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend
 her when we land."

 "Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

 Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
 The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
 seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO
 paws on the agent's arm.

 The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine; so again,
 I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

 "I like it!" says the first man.

 The agent then tells Sniffer to search again.

 Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while
 and sits down for a moment aside a passenger.  Sniffer
 then races back to the agent,  jumps into his seat, and
 proceeds to poop all over the place.

 The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and
 can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog like
 Sniffer would act like this so he asks the agent, "What's
 going on with Sniffer?"

 The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

Top
Subj:     FedEx Arrivals During Thunderstorms (S486c)
          From: AirlinePiklotCentral.com on 5/12/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/39eq5lgq9TA

 This is a time lapse video of the radar track of FedEx aircraft
 arriving into the Memphis hub during area thunderstorms.  Click
 'HERE' to see how flight paths were modified in real-time to
 land as soon as possible and still avoid the storm.

Top
Subj:     Flight Offers Free Drinks (S436)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 6/3/2005

 A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight
 nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA,
 "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers
 aboard and only 40 dinners."

 When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued,
 "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone
 else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the
 flight."

 Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants
 to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!

Top
Subj:     Three Black Ladies Prepare For Flight (S402)
          From: Bartend-JOTD on 10/13/2004

 Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane
 flight.  The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but
 I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties on dis flight."

 "Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.

 The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm
 out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me
 first."

 The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some
 fluorescent orange panties."

 "Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.

 The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down, and
 I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."

 The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any
 panties at all."

 "What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.

 "Dat's right," says the third lady. "I'm not wearing any
 panties, cause if dat plane goes down, the first thing they
 always look for is da black box!"

Top
Subj:     Doing It On The Airplane (S309b)
          From: thebartend on 12/27/2002

 Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

 "I think everyone's asleep, lets go"

 "This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"

 "It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"

 "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"

 Sniff sniff

 "Ah perfume - you think of everything"

 "This is great....." (long sigh)

 Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

 "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in
 the rear toilet.  We know what you're doing and it is
 expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put
 those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke
 detector!"

Top
Subj:     How To Save The Airlines (S286, S503c)
          From: coreymac on 7/13/2002
      and From: edbabcock on 9/7/2006

 We are all concerned by the problems confronting commercial
 aviation.  At last some clear thinking has produced a solution.
 One person writes:

 Subject: Fix for the Airline Industry Federal Aviation Agency
 800 Independence Avenue S.W.
 Washington D.C.  20591

 Dear Sirs,
 I've had a lot of time on my hands of late and believe that
 I may have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,
 and at the same time we just might get the Airline industry
 back on its feet.

 Here's my plan:

 Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in
 the first place.  Replace all the female flight attendants
 with good-looking strippers!  What the hell - the attendants
 have gotten old and haggard-looking.  They don't even serve
 food anymore, so what's the loss?  The strippers would at
 least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party"atmosphere"
 going in the cabin.

 And, of course, every businessman in this country would
 start flying again, hoping to see naked women.  Because of
 the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,
 thus saving even more money.  Hell, I suspect tips would be
 so good that we could charge the women for working and have
 them kick back 20% of the tips.

 Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
 seeing naked women.  Hijackings would come to a screeching
 halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
 This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right
 - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

 Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?  Am I the only one
 who thinks clearly on these issues?  Why do I still  have
 to do everything myself?

 Sincerely,
 Bill Clinton

Top
Subj:     Flight Attendent In A Bar (S286b)
          From: pns on 7/20/2002

 A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman
 sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's
 so gorgeous she must be a flight  attendant; but which
 airline does she work for?"

 Hoping to pick her up, he  leaned towards her and said,
 "Love to fly and it shows?"  She gave him a  blank,
 confused stare and he immediately thought to himself,
 well she doesn't work for Delta.

 A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head.
 He leaned towards her again,  "Something special in the
 air?"  She gave him the same confused look.  He mentally
 kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the
 list.

 Next he tried  "I would really love to fly your friendly
 skies?"  This time the woman barked back at him "Man,
 what the fuck do you want?"

 The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "ahhh . ,
 he said , you must be with EL AL"

Top
Subj:     Airport Screening (S273c)
          From: pns on 3/10/2002

 To ensure we Americans never offend anyone - particularly
 fanatics intent on killing us - airport screeners will not
 be allowed to profile people.

 They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women,
 little kids, airline pilots with proper identification,
 Secret Service agents who are members of the President's
 security detail, and 85-year old Congressmen with metal
 hips.

 Let's pause a moment and take the following test.

 In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
   (a) Norwegians from Ballard;
   (b) Elvis;
   (c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women; or
   (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
       the ages of 17 and 40.

 In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
  (a) A pizza delivery boy;
  (b) Crazed feminists complaining that being able to throw
      a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an unfair
      and sexist requirement in basic training;
  (c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day; or
  (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
      the ages of 17 and 40.

 In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
  (a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2;"
  (b) The Tooth Fairy;
  (c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite
      left over from the train mission, or,
  (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
      the ages of 17 and 40.

 In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed by:
  (a) Leona Helmsly
  (b) Waldo
  (c) Pee Wee Herman
  (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
      the ages of 17 and 40.

 In 1998, U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
  (a) Mr. Rogers;
  (b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's
      women problems;
  (c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next
      villain: "Mustapha the Merciless;" or
  (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
      the ages of 17 and 40.

 On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
  (a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd.
  (b) The Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo their
      attempted hijacking of the 2000 Presidential election;
  (c) Mr. Bean,
  (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
      the ages of 17 and 40.

 Hmmm ............. nope, ain't no patterns here.

Top
Subj:     What Time Is It? (S147, S441b)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 11/24/1999
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 On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
 and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with
 the control tower in the middle.  One day the tower received
 a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

 The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

 The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

 The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.  If it is an
 American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.  If it is an Air
 Force, it is 1500 hours.  If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6
 bells.  If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12
 and the little hand is on the 3.  If it is a Marine Corps
 aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

Top
Subj:     Instrument Flying... (S236)
          From: emailjoke.com

 Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or
 another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments
 necessary for this form of flight.  The following is a more
 or less known and extremely simple method which may be used
 by all.

 Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always
 remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle
 and ball instrument.  Merely watch to see which way he leans
 to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.  This
 will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete
 accuracy and confidence.

 A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing,
 because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse
 to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to
 hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to
 the ground.

 There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but
 by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of
 success will be achieved which will not only startle you,
 but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an
 occasional tower operator with an open mouth.

 ** Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up
 all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog
 along to keep the cat at attention.

 ** Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all
 the time washing.  Trying to follow a washing cat usually
 results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin.  You
 will see that this is most unprofessional.

 ** Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but
 an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much
 to loose and will be more dependable.

 ** Avoid stray cats.  Try to get one with good character
 because you may want to spend time with her.

 ** Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you
 are using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave
 the aero plane without the cat. Ducks are no better on
 instruments than you are.

 ** Get a duck with good eyes.  Near sighted ducks sometimes
 fail to recognize that they are on the old gauges and will
 go flogging into the nearest hill.  Very near-sighted ducks
 will not realize that they have been thrown out and will
 descend to the ground in a sitting position.  This is a most
 difficult maneuver to follow in an airplane.

 ** Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks
 with geese.  Many large birds look alike.  While they are
 very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go
 in the same direction that you do.  If your duck seems to
 be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe
 in assuming that someone has given you a goose.

Top
Subj:     Comments To US Travel Agents (S231)
          From: pns on 7/1/2001

 WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE LET OUT OF THE COUNTRY
 Actual comments from US travel agents......

 I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair
 wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

 A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.
 After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would
 it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the
 train to Hawaii?"

 I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.
 I started to explain the length of the flight and the
 passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm
 not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in
 Massachusetts."  Without trying to make her look like
 the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in
 Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa." Her response ...
 click.

 A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.
 I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He
 said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to
 explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the
 middle of the state.  He replied, "Don't lie to me.  I
 looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

 I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to
 see England from Canada?" I said, "No."  He said, "But
 they look so close on the map."

 Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in
 Dallas.  When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he
 had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas.  When I asked him why
 he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was
 a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the
 gates to save time."

 A nice lady just called.  She needed to know how it was
 possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and
 got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that
 Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not
 understand the concept of time zones.  Finally I told
 her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

 A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
 description on your bag so they know who's luggage
 belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"  She
 replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they
 put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight,
 is there any connection?"  After putting her on hold for
 a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually
 laughing) I came back and explained the city code for
 Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
 destination tag on her luggage.

 I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I
 know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he
 meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is
 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

 A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on
 one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to
 fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah,
 whatever."

 A business man called and had a question about the
 documents he needed in order to fly to China.  After a
 lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he
 needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
 times and never had to have one of those."  I double
 checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
  When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China
 four times and every time they have accepted my American
 Express."

 A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from
 Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York"  The agent was at a
 loss for words.  Finally, the agent said,: "Are you sure
 that's the name of the town?"  "Yes, what flights do you
 have?" replied the customer.  After some searching, the
 agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up
 every airport code in the country and can't find a
 Hippopotamus anywhere."  The customer retorted, "Oh don't
 be silly.  Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
 The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and
 finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
 "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Top
Subj:     All Female Flight Crew (S228)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/5/2001
 (Also see 'C-5 All Female Flight Crew' in Pilot-Supp)

 As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight
 attendant gave the passergers the usual information regarding
 seat belts etc.  Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy
 your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take
 you safely to your destination."

 Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her
 right; is the captain a woman?  I think I better have scotch
 and soda.  When the attendants came by with drink cart, he
 said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

 "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is
 female."

 "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
 I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the
 cockpit."

 "That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer
 call it the cockpit.  Now, it's the box office."

Top
Subj:     Dogfight (S221)
          From: JBCARY1 on 4/23/01

 The newspapers in Taipei, where life is lived under the
 shadow of Beijing's belligerence, often have a little fun
 tweaking the dragon.  Consider this account of "the heroic
 dogfight," by Wun Wing Lo of the Taiwan Daily Gazette:

 In an heroic dogfight fought over International waters off
 the mainland-China coast, a 60's-era American-built Lockheed
 Electra propeller airliner, with 24 US Navy passenger/
 observers aboard, chewed up one of China's finest state-of-
 the-art supersonic fighter aircraft.

 The Americans, utilizing the infrequently recorded combat
 tactic of straight and level flight, often accomplished by
 relying solely on autopilot, engaged the outmanned single-
 seat combat jet and knocked it out of the air using only
 one of its four formidable rotating air-mass propellers.

 After the action, the crew and passenger/observers diverted
 to nearby China's Hainan Island Resort for some much-
 deserved R?R as guests of the Chinese government.

 Reprinted from the Taiwan Daily Gazette, by staff-writer
 Won Weng Lo.

Top
Subj:     Bad Boy On Plane Meets General (S182)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/23/00

 As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is
 shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw
 a wild temper tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated,
 embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy
 continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

 Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the
 uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward
 up the aisle.  Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised
 hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans
 down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into
 the boy's ear.

 Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand,
 and quietly fastens his seat belt.  All the other passengers
 burst into spontaneous applause.

 As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of
 the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.  "Excuse me, General,"
 she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you
 used on that little boy?"

 The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him
 my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and
 explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the
 plane door on any flight I choose."

Top
Subj:     AirportGag2 (S169)
          From: agrief on 4/25/00

 Yes, I have sworn to you to NOT send many attached files,
 and yes last Sunday I sent you Easter.  Please forgive me
 one more time.  This was was too funny to keep to myself.

 File:  AirportGag2.doc (528384 bytes)
 DL Time (32000 bps): ? 5 minutes

 Too funny.  No virus alerts on my machine, BTW.

 You must have Word to open this document and speakers to
 play the song.

 This is one of the funnist things I've ever heard.

Top
Subj:     Gay Male Flight Attendant (S166, S466b)
          From: RFSlick on 04/03/2000
      and From: auntiegah on 12/24/2005

 The plane's first class cabin was being served by an obviously
 gay male flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying
 himself.  He came swishing down the aisle and said to a man
 and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me
 to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,
 you lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that
 would be super."

 On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't
 moved a muscle.  "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big
 brute engines.  I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main
 man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

 She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am
 called a princess.  I take orders from no one!"

 The flight attendant snapped back, "Well, sweet cheeks, in my
 country, I'm called a queen so I outrank you. Put the tray up,
 bitch!"

Top
Subj:     Pilot Lands At Secret Base (S126b, S558c)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/24/99
      and From: ginafm on 9/28/2007

 You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
 super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

 Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret"
 base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the
 pilot into an interrogation room.

 The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,
 and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
 The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot
 and held him overnight during the investigation.

 By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
 really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane,
 gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete
 with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told
 him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent
 him on his way.

 The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the
 same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded
 the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

 The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to
 me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her
 where I was last night!"


Subj:     Short Plane Jokes

Top
Subj: How To Tell If There's A Terrorist At Airport
      From: darrell94590 on 10/21/2005 (S456b)
 To view this picture, click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Airline's Special Offer For Wives (S285b)
          From: CatScratch on 7/17/2002
 One of the airlines recently introduced a special
 half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands
 on business trips.

 Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity
 department of the airline sent out letters to all the
 wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking
 how they enjoyed their trip.

 Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip???"
 

Top
Subj:     Lightening Strike 1 To 3 (S437 in Plane-Pics)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 6/6/2005
..........At: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 These are two animated GIFS of lightning striking a plane.
 No damage was done to the structure or the electronics
 Picture 1 is in normal time.  Picture 2 is in slow motion.
 Picture 3 is a still photo just on initiation of the bolt..
 To view the three pictures, click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Getting A Ticket From A Flasher (S301b)
          From: coreymac on 11/4/2002
 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
 to check tickets.  As a man approached, she extended her
 hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and
 flashed her.  Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I
 need to see your ticket, not your stub."
 

Top
Subj:     DC-9 Window Frame Crack (S436b in Plane-Pics)
          From: chicababe1978 on 6/5/2005
 Crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame.....

 Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the air-
 planes that you fly on. You won't believe this when you
 see it, this is an actual crack that was found in the
 window frame on a DC-9. This could have caused a major
 in-flight problem.

 You can view the crack by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Airplane Water (S302)
          From: jerry on 11/12/2002
 According to the Wall Street Journal which took water
 samples from planes, there is some nasty stuff in that
 there water.  Where safe water is considered to have no
 more than 500 bacterial colonies per milliliter, it wasn't
 unusual to find water from planes containing millions of
 bacterial colonies per milliliter, one even as high as
 8,000,000!!

 Some of the bacteria found is known to be dangerous.  Some
 were associated with sewage and feces.  A United Airlines
 flight from Mexico City to Chicago had "EGGS OF AQUATIC
 INSECTS THAT GREW INTO MAGGOTS" in their water!!

 Please enjoy your next flight.

 The Wall Street Journal 1-Nov-02
 

Top
Subj:     Broken Changing Tables On Planes (S295)
          From: jerry on 9/22/2002
 Virgin Atlantic Airways says it has to replace the baby
 changing tables in its newest planes which went into service
 just a few weeks ago because they get broken by passengers
 trying to have sex on them.

 Reuters via Yahoo News 16-Sep-02
 
 

Top
Subj:     Polish Terrorist (S276)
          From: pns on 11/15/2001
 In an apparent copycat terrorist act, a Polish terrorist
 named Stanley Bin Ladinsky hijacked a Goodyear Blimp.
 So far, he has bounced off 5 buildings.
 

Top
Subj:     73 Year Old Can't Board Plane (S275)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/18/2001
 CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad
 turn today as airline officials at O'Hare International
 Airport refused to let a 73 year old grandmother board
 her plane because she had in her possession two, six
 inch knitting needles.  Apparently authorities were
 worried that she may knit an Afghan!
 

Top
Subj:     Dumb Airport Security (S258)
          From: jerry on 10/22/2001
 The United Airlines security personnel and Pennsylvania
 National Guardsmen at Philadelphia International Airport,
 let a man with 9 box cutters onto a plane a week after
 the terrorist attacks, but refusing to let a man board
 his plane because of the paperback book he was carrying,
 'Hayduke Lives!, by Edward Abbey.  The book has a picture
 of dynamite on the cover.

 City Paper (Philadelphia) October 18th - 25th
 

Top
Subj:     Exhibitionist Boards Plane (S198)
         From: BartendJOTD-owner on 11/16/2000
 An exhibitionist named Keith was preparing to board a flight
 to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at
 the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant
 was collecting boarding passes.  As she reached down toward
 Keith for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and
 exposed himself.

 "I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your
 ticket, not your stub."
 

Top
Subj:     Two Vulture Fly South (S153, S610c)
          From: KMacinty on 12/30/1999
      and From: hellgunner50 on 9/16/2008
 Two elderly vultures decided they would fly south this year
 for vacation, so they make reservations with an airline.

 They arrived at the airport, and the clerk looked at their
 luggage and asked if they wanted to check in as baggage the
 two dead raccoons they brought with them to snack on.

 "No," the vultures said. "They're carrion."

Second version
     From: CHRISDADDYG on 3/15/2001
 Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
 raccoons.  The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm
 sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
 

 Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his
 famous transatlantic flight.

 In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having
 sex on the city's airport property.

From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
 Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife
 behind in Atlanta.

 Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

From: grs on 98-04-05
 If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

 You know that little indestructable black box that is used
 on planes.  Why dont they make the whole plane out of the
 same substance?

 The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots
 in the Pacific.  When arming their airplanes on the ground,
 the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27
 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage.  If the pilots
 fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
 More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
 Please return Stewardess to original upright position.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12
 Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

From: auntieg on 98-11-14
 The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in
 every five must be straight.  These straight sections are
 usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

 The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue,
 Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world
 where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car
 driving under an airplane.

From: auntieg on 98-12-09
 Those new airline rules limiting the size of your luggage are
 ridiculous.  Heck, the bags under my EYES are bigger than what they
 allow!  -- J. Wagner (Crabby Road)

From: collins2 on 5/31/99 (S130)
 Average number of people airborne over
 the US any given hour: 61,000.

From: JCary on 01/17/2000 (S160)
 "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row
  of an airplane:  Either you have diarrhea, or you're
  anxious to meet people who do," -Rich Jeni

From: ICohen on 3/13/2001 (S215)
 A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the
 Wright brother's first flight.

 American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating
 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/8/2001 (S232)
 "Animals may be our friends, but they wont pick you
 up at the airport."  -- Bobcat Goldthwait

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/8/2003 (S322)
 If flying is so safe, why do they
 call the airport the terminal?

From: Wyatt's joke Page on 6/7/97
Q: What is the difference between an Airbus A-320,
   and a Black ? Decker chain saw?
A: About 320 trees a minute.

Q: What is the difference between an Airbus A-320, and a Cri-Cri?
A: One's an airplane with two lawn-mower engines, and
   the other's a lawn-mower with two airplane engines.

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                           -(o o)-
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..........................From Smiley_Central
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