plane2

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Subj: Plane2 Jokes
(Includes 52 jokes and articles, 24680b,5)

Click "Here" for Plane-Supp

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Subj:     FedEx Arrivals During Thunderstorms (S486c)
          From: AirlinePiklotCentral.com
          on 5/12/2006

Source: http://video.google.com/videoplay?
.........docid=-6886880938991195179?q=fedex

This is a time lapse movie of the radar track of FedEx aircraft
arriving into the Memphis hub during area thunderstorms. You
can view it at the above source.

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Subj:     The General And The Screaming Kid (S469b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/13/2006

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is
shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to
throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated,
embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy
continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the
uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking for-
ward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an
upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General
leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers some-
thing into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand,
and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As
the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you
what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed
him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and
explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the
plane door, on any flight I choose."

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Subj:     Police Dog On A Commercial Flight (S463)
          From: darrell94590 on 12/5/2005

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on
the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat putting
his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the
man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks the
second why the dog is allowed on the plane is. The second
man explains that he is a DEA agent and the dog is a
"sniffing dog." The dog's name is Sniffer and he is the
best sniffing dog that there is.

"Once we become airborne, I will show you when I put him to
work," says the second man.

The plane takes off and once it has leveled out, the agent
says, "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to search.

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy," then turns to the man and says,
"That woman is in possession of marijuana so I'm making a
note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend
her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO
paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine; so again,
I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says the first man.

The agent then tells Sniffer to search again.

Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while
and sits down for a moment aside a passenger. Sniffer
then races back to the agent, jumps into his seat, and
proceeds to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and
can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog like
Sniffer would act like this so he asks the agent, "What's
going on with Sniffer?"

The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

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Subj:     Flight Offers Free Drinks (S436)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 6/3/2005

A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight
nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA,
"I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers
aboard and only 40 dinners."

When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone
else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the
flight."

Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants
to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!

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Subj:     Three Black Ladies Prepare For Flight (S402)
          From: Bartend-JOTD on 10/13/2004

Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane
flight. The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but
I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties on dis flight."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm
out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me
first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some
fluorescent orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.

The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down, and
I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any
panties at all."

"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.

"Dat's right," says the third lady. "I'm not wearing any
panties, cause if dat plane goes down, the first thing they
always look for is da black box!"

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Subj:     Doing It On The Airplane (S309b)
          From: thebartend on 12/27/2002

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, lets go"

"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"

Sniff sniff

"Ah perfume - you think of everything"

"This is great....." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in
the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is
expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put
those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke
detector!"

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Subj:     How To Save The Airlines (S286, S503c)
          From: coreymac on 7/13/2002
      and From: edbabcock on 9/7/2006

We are all concerned by the problems confronting commercial
aviation. At last some clear thinking has produced a solution.
One person writes:

Subject: Fix for the Airline Industry Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591

Dear Sirs,
I've had a lot of time on my hands of late and believe that
I may have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,
and at the same time we just might get the Airline industry
back on its feet.

Here's my plan:

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in
the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants
with good-looking strippers! What the hell - the attendants
have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve
food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at
least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party"atmosphere"
going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would
start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of
the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,
thus saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be
so good that we could charge the women for working and have
them kick back 20% of the tips.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching
halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right
- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Am I the only one
who thinks clearly on these issues? Why do I still have
to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

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Subj:     Flight Attendent In A Bar (S286b)
          From: pns on 7/20/2002

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman
sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's
so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which
airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said,
"Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank,
confused stare and he immediately thought to himself,
well she doesn't work for Delta.

A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the
air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally
kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the
list.

Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly
skies?" This time the woman barked back at him "Man,
what the fuck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "ahhh . ,
he said , you must be with EL AL"

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Subj:     Airport Screening (S273c)
          From: pns on 3/10/2002

To ensure we Americans never offend anyone - particularly
fanatics intent on killing us - airport screeners will not
be allowed to profile people.

They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women,
little kids, airline pilots with proper identification,
Secret Service agents who are members of the President's
security detail, and 85-year old Congressmen with metal
hips.

Let's pause a moment and take the following test.

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
   (a) Norwegians from Ballard;
   (b) Elvis;
   (c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women; or
   (d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
       the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy;
(b) Crazed feminists complaining that being able to throw
      a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an unfair
      and sexist requirement in basic training;
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
      the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2;"
(b) The Tooth Fairy;
(c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite
left over from the train mission, or,
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed by:
(a) Leona Helmsly
(b) Waldo
(c) Pee Wee Herman
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1998, U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers;
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's
      women problems;
(c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next
      villain: "Mustapha the Merciless;" or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
      the ages of 17 and 40.

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd.
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo their
attempted hijacking of the 2000 Presidential election;
(c) Mr. Bean,
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
the ages of 17 and 40.

Hmmm ............. nope, ain't no patterns here.

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Subj:     Quotes from Plane Crews (S236, S451b)
          From: www.jokecenter.com on 08/06/01

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements
a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard and/or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fellas. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
has shifted."

"Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with
our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached
our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt
sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back
there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth
and nose before assisting children or adults acting like
children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom
and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
and it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault. It was the asphalt!"

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect
landing, "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight
attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain
in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement, "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of us here a US Airways."

And from the pilot during his welcome message, "We are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

From: gheckman on 10/16/2001
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, and grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with their's. If you are traveling with more than one small
child - pick your favorite.

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop
from the overhead area. Please place the mask over your
own mouth and nose before assisting children - or other
adults acting like children."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ Airlines." He said
that, in the light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said: "Sonny, mind if I
ask you a question?"

"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot.

"What is it?" The little old lady said. "Did we land or
were we shot down."

From: christyhenning on 9/4/2005
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you
just sit where you want) passengers were apparently
having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant
announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture
here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

From: allenbergman on 4/3/2007 (S532b)
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announce-
ment over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from
New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, there-
fore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a
few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front
of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.
You should see the back of mine!"

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Subj:     What Time Is It? (S147, S441b)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 11/24/1999

Cartoon from
Joke-Around.com

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with
the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received
a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air
Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6
bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12
and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps
aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

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Subj:     Instrument Flying... (S236)
          From: http://www.emailjoke.com/page50.html#1001

Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or
another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments
necessary for this form of flight. The following is a more
or less known and extremely simple method which may be used
by all.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always
remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle
and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans
to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This
will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete
accuracy and confidence.

A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing,
because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse
to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to
hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to
the ground.

There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but
by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of
success will be achieved which will not only startle you,
but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an
occasional tower operator with an open mouth.

** Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up
all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog
along to keep the cat at attention.

** Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all
the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually
results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You
will see that this is most unprofessional.

** Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but
an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much
to loose and will be more dependable.

** Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character
because you may want to spend time with her.

** Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you
are using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave
the aero plane without the cat. Ducks are no better on
instruments than you are.

** Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes
fail to recognize that they are on the old gauges and will
go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near-sighted ducks
will not realize that they have been thrown out and will
descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most
difficult maneuver to follow in an airplane.

** Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks
with geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are
very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go
in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to
be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe
in assuming that someone has given you a goose.

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Subj:     Comments To US Travel Agents (S231)
          From: pns on 7/1/2001

WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE LET OUT OF THE COUNTRY
Actual comments from US travel agents......

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would
it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the
train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the
passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm
not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in
Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like
the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in
Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa." Her response ...
click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He
said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to
explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the
middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I
looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to
see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But
they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in
Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he
had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why
he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was
a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the
gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and
got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that
Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not
understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told
her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know who's luggage
belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She
replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they
put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight,
is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for
a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually
laughing) I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I
know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he
meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is
823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on
one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to
fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah,
whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the
documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a
lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he
needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I double
checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China
four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from
Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a
loss for words. Finally, the agent said,: "Are you sure
that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you
have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the
agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a
Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't
be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and
finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

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Subj:     All Female Flight Crew (S228)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/5/2001
          (Also see 'C-5 All Female Flight Crew' in Pilot-Supp)

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight
attendant gave the passergers the usual information regarding
seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy
your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take
you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her
right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch
and soda. When the attendants came by with drink cart, he
said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is
female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the
cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer
call it the cockpit. Now, it's the box office."

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Subj:     Dogfight (S221)
          From: JBCARY1 on 4/23/01

The newspapers in Taipei, where life is lived under the
shadow of Beijing's belligerence, often have a little fun
tweaking the dragon. Consider this account of "the heroic
dogfight," by Wun Wing Lo of the Taiwan Daily Gazette:

In an heroic dogfight fought over International waters off
the mainland-China coast, a 60's-era American-built Lockheed
Electra propeller airliner, with 24 US Navy passenger/
observers aboard, chewed up one of China's finest state-of-
the-art supersonic fighter aircraft.

The Americans, utilizing the infrequently recorded combat
tactic of straight and level flight, often accomplished by
relying solely on autopilot, engaged the outmanned single-
seat combat jet and knocked it out of the air using only
one of its four formidable rotating air-mass propellers.

After the action, the crew and passenger/observers diverted
to nearby China's Hainan Island Resort for some much-
deserved R?R as guests of the Chinese government.

Reprinted from the Taiwan Daily Gazette, by staff-writer
Won Weng Lo.

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Subj:     Bad Boy On Plane Meets General (S182)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/23/00

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is
shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw
a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated,
embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy
continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the
uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward
up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised
hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans
down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into
the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand,
and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers
burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of
the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General,"
she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you
used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him
my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and
explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the
plane door on any flight I choose."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     AirportGag2 (S169)
          From: agrief on 4/25/00

Yes, I have sworn to you to NOT send many attached files,
and yes last Sunday I sent you Easter. Please forgive me
one more time. This was was too funny to keep to myself.

File: AirportGag2.doc (528384 bytes)
DL Time (32000 bps): ? 5 minutes

Too funny. No virus alerts on my machine, BTW.

You must have Word to open this document and speakers to
play the song.

This is one of the funnist things I've ever heard.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Gay Male Flight Attendant (S166, S466b)
          From: RFSlick on 04/03/2000
      and From: auntiegah on 12/24/2005

The plane's first class cabin was being served by an obviously
gay male flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying
himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to a man
and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me
to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,
you lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that
would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't
moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big
brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main
man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am
called a princess. I take orders from no one!"

The flight attendant snapped back, "Well, sweet cheeks, in my
country, I'm called a queen so I outrank you. Put the tray up,
bitch!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Pilot Lands At Secret Base (S126b, S558c)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/24/99
      and From: ginafm on 9/28/2007

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret"
base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the
pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,
and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot
and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane,
gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete
with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told
him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent
him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the
same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded
the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to
me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her
where I was last night!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj:     Short Plane Jokes

Top

Subj: How To Tell If There's A Terrorist At Airport
From: darrell94590 (S456b)
on 10/21/2005

To view this picture on my web site, click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Airline's Special Offer For Wives (S285b)
From: CatScratch on 7/17/2002
One of the airlines recently introduced a special
half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands
on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity
department of the airline sent out letters to all the
wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking
how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip???"

Top

Subj:     Lightening Strike 1 To 3 (S437)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 6/6/2005

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20000403
      to http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20000405
These are two animated GIFS of lightning striking a plane.
No damage was done to the structure or the electronics
Picture 1 is in normal time. Picture 2 is in slow motion.
Picture 3 is a still photo just on initiation of the bolt..
To view the three pictures, go to the source above, or my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Getting A Ticket From A Flasher (S301b)
From: coreymac on 11/4/2002
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her
hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and
flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I
need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Top

Subj:     DC-9 Window Frame Crack (S436b)
          From: chicababe1978
          on 6/5/2005

Crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame.....

Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the air-
planes that you fly on. You won't believe this when you
see it, this is an actual crack that was found in the
window frame on a DC-9. This could have caused a major
in-flight problem.

You can view the crack on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Airplane Water (S302)
From: jerry on 11/12/2002
According to the Wall Street Journal which took water
samples from planes, there is some nasty stuff in that
there water. Where safe water is considered to have no
more than 500 bacterial colonies per milliliter, it wasn't
unusual to find water from planes containing millions of
bacterial colonies per milliliter, one even as high as
8,000,000!!

Some of the bacteria found is known to be dangerous. Some
were associated with sewage and feces. A United Airlines
flight from Mexico City to Chicago had "EGGS OF AQUATIC
INSECTS THAT GREW INTO MAGGOTS" in their water!!

Please enjoy your next flight.

The Wall Street Journal 1-Nov-02

Top
Subj: Broken Changing Tables On Planes (S295)
From: jerry on 9/22/2002
Virgin Atlantic Airways says it has to replace the baby
changing tables in its newest planes which went into service
just a few weeks ago because they get broken by passengers
trying to have sex on them.

Reuters via Yahoo News 16-Sep-02

Top
Subj: Polish Terrorist (S276)
From: pns on 11/15/2001
In an apparent copycat terrorist act, a Polish terrorist
named Stanley Bin Ladinsky hijacked a Goodyear Blimp.
So far, he has bounced off 5 buildings.

Top
Subj: 73 Year Old Can't Board Plane (S275)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/18/2001
CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad
turn today as airline officials at O'Hare International
Airport refused to let a 73 year old grandmother board
her plane because she had in her possession two, six
inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were
worried that she may knit an Afghan!

Top
Subj: Dumb Airport Security (S258)
From: jerry on 10/22/2001
The United Airlines security personnel and Pennsylvania
National Guardsmen at Philadelphia International Airport,
let a man with 9 box cutters onto a plane a week after
the terrorist attacks, but refusing to let a man board
his plane because of the paperback book he was carrying,
'Hayduke Lives!, by Edward Abbey. The book has a picture
of dynamite on the cover.

City Paper (Philadelphia) October 18th - 25th

Top
Subj: Exhibitionist Boards Plane (S198)
From: BartendJOTD-owner on 11/16/2000
An exhibitionist named Keith was preparing to board a flight
to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at
the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant
was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward
Keith for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and
exposed himself.

"I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your
ticket, not your stub."

Top
Subj:     Two Vulture Fly South (S153, S610c)
          From: KMacinty on 12/30/1999
      and From: hellgunner50 on 9/16/2008
Two elderly vultures decided they would fly south this year
for vacation, so they make reservations with an airline.

They arrived at the airport, and the clerk looked at their
luggage and asked if they wanted to check in as baggage the
two dead raccoons they brought with them to snack on.

"No," the vultures said. "They're carrion."

Second version
From: CHRISDADDYG on 3/15/2001
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm
sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his
famous transatlantic flight.

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having
sex on the city's airport property.

From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife
behind in Atlanta.

Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

From: grs on 98-04-05
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

You know that little indestructable black box that is used
on planes. Why dont they make the whole plane out of the
same substance?

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots
in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground,
the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27
feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots
fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
Please return Stewardess to original upright position.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

From: auntieg on 98-11-14
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in
every five must be straight. These straight sections are
usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue,
Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world
where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car
driving under an airplane.

From: auntieg on 98-12-09
Those new airline rules limiting the size of your luggage are
ridiculous. Heck, the bags under my EYES are bigger than what they
allow! -- J. Wagner (Crabby Road)

From: collins2 on 5/31/99 (S130)
Average number of people airborne over
the US any given hour: 61,000.

From: JCary on 01/17/2000 (S160)
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row
of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're
anxious to meet people who do," -Rich Jeni

From: ICohen on 3/13/2001 (S215)
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the
Wright brother's first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating
1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/8/2001 (S232)
"Animals may be our friends, but they wont pick you
up at the airport." -- Bobcat Goldthwait

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/8/2003 (S322)
If flying is so safe, why do they
call the airport the terminal?

From: Wyatt's joke Page on 6/7/97
Q: What is the difference between an Airbus A-320,
and a Black ? Decker chain saw?
A: About 320 trees a minute.

Q: What is the difference between an Airbus A-320, and a Cri-Cri?
A: One's an airplane with two lawn-mower engines, and
the other's a lawn-mower with two airplane engines.

\\\//
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Smiley Jumps from
Smiley_Central

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