.
.
>>>
Subj:     Clinton Jokes
                 (Includes 91 jokes and articles, 15 1031,1,cif,vYT2a4,0)
 
 

..........Click "Here" for Hillary Clinton jokes


Democratic Jackass
from
PageWorks
Includes the following:  Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S920 in Supp)
.........................Trump And Clinton Singing - Video (S1031 in Supp)
.........................Quotations About Hillary Clinton (S481 in Supp)
.........................Hillary And Bill Clinton Rapping - Video (S1022 in Supp)
.........................
.........................Clinton Dinner Party Set (S969)
.........................The Marine and the Old Man (S525b)
.........................Clinton Issues Full Pardon (S207)
.........................Clinton's Driver Runs Over A Pig (S188, S481b)
.........................Clinton And Falwell Travel On A Plane
.........................State Of The Union Address (S64)
.........................Dirty Notes To The President
.........................President Jogs
.........................Clinton Jogs By The Memorials (S52)
.........................Clinton Jogs Past Prostitute (S329, S522c)
.........................The President And The Puppies
.........................Clinton Asks For Example Of 'Tragedy' (S16, S369)
.........................Clinton Meets A Genie
.........................Renaming Your Dick
.........................Clinton's Parrot Dies (S46)
.........................Top 16 Changes At The White House Now That
..............................The Clintons Have A Puppy
                         Short Clinton Jokes
..............................HILLARY Takes Muslim Name (S868 in Supp)
..............................Hillary Clinton Unhurt In Air Crash (S550b in Supp)
..............................Hillary-Trump Sign (S1014 in Supp)
..............................Hillary Special (S155, S456b in Supp)
..............................
..............................Chelsea Returns From College (S97, S302b)
..............................Bill Brings Back Two Pigs
..............................Bill Gets A Dog (2ed vers.)
..............................Clinton Zingers (S83)
..............................Clinton Stew (S91)
..............................Anagram (S107)
.........................Clinton Question And Answers

Also see BAR SUPP file- 'High-Tec Bar With Robot'
         BARBER file  - 'Bush ? Clinton At The Barbershop'
         BASEBALL file- 'Bill And Hillary At A Baseball Game'
         BUMPER-STICKR- 'Clinton Bumper Stickers'
         CATHOLIC     - 'Clinton And The Pope Die On The Same Day'
         CHRISTMAS3   - 'Twas The Night Before Crisis'
         CLINTON SCND1- 'Milk...'
         CONDOM file  - 'US Sends Russia Condoms'
         DWARFS file  - 'Seven Dwarfs Are In A Mining Accident'
         ENGLISHMAN   - 'Why British Are Superior To Americans'
         FART file    - 'Hillary And Janet Girl Talk'
         GOD2 file    - 'Yeltsin, Clinton And Gates Meet God'
         HEAVEN1 file - 'Bill, Hillary, And Al Go To Heaven'
         HEAVEN2 file - '11th Commandment'
......................- 'Clocks In Heaven'
         HELL file    - 'Saddam Goes To Hell'
         HOSPITAl     - 'Hillary Visits A Hospital'
         LETTERS2 file- 'Chain Letter For Men'
         MANNERS      - 'Dear Abby - Unfaitful Husband'
......................- 'Dear Abby - Unfaitful Husband II'
         MIDDLE EAST  - 'Bush Visits Hussein'
......................- 'I Had A Dream'
         NATIVEAMERIC - 'Senator Clinton Addresses New York State Indians'
         NEW_YORKER   - 'Traffic Jam In NYC'
         NATIONAL-SUPP- 'History Lesson'
         PLANE2 file  - 'Flight Safety'
         POETRY file  - 'Starr I Are'
         POLITICAL1   - 'Presidential Affairs'
......................- 'Salesman Changes Parties'
         POLITICAL2   - 'Ghosts of Christmas Pres(id)ent'
......................- 'Six Presidents On A Sinking Ship'
         POLITICAL-SUP- 'Terrorists Capture Four Politicians'
         POLIT-BUSH   - 'Three Politicians ? The Firing Squad'
......................- 'Craig Kilborn Quote'
         SCHOOL1 file - 'History Lesson'
......................- 'Teacher Motivates Class'
         SIGNS_N_NAMES- 'Fun With Names'
         SOLDIER2 file- 'Two Enemy Soldiers Meet'
         STARTRK-SPAC2- 'Things Bill Clinton Would Say In "Star Wars"
         TATTOOS file - 'Returning From Canada w/Tattoos'
         TRAIN file   - 'The Bushes ? Clintons Ride A Train'
=========================================================Top
Subj:     Clinton Dinner Party Set (S969)
          Photo from: Kitchen Center
          From: tom on 8/3/2015
 Source: http://www.amazon.com/The-Hillary-Bill-Clinton-Combo/dp/B001LJCCC8
.
...............
.
........You can buy the Nutracker Hillary for $17.01,
........and the Corkscrew Bill for $73.00 on Amazon.
.
.
Top
Subj:     The Marine and the Old Man (S525b)
          From: AFine963 on 2/7/2007

 One sunny day in 2008, an elderly man approached the
 White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd
 been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the Marine
 standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and
 meet with President Hillary Clinton."

 The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President
 and doesn't reside here."

 The elderly man said, "Okay," and walked away.

 The following day, the same man approached the White
 House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go
 in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

 The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday,
 Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

 The man thanked him and again walked away.  The third
 day, the same man approached the White House and spoke
 to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in
 and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

 The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,
 looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day
 in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs.
 Clinton.  I've told you already several times that Mrs.
 Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here.
 Don't you understand?"

 The elderly man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I
 just love hearing your answer!"

 The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
 "See you tomorrow, sir!".

Top
Subj:     Clinton Issues Full Pardon (S207)
          From: pns on 1/20/2001

 The White House
 January 1, 2001

 Mr. John Hinkley
 St. Elizabeth Hospital
 Washington D.C.

 Dear John,

 Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you
 how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in
 your recovery.

 In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness
 we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compas-
 sion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.  Hillary and
 I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for
 shooting President Reagan.

 We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain
 could have driven you to such an act of desperation.

 As such, as one of my lasts acts as President of the country,
 I hereby issue you a full pardon and ordered your release
 from the hospital as soon as possible.

 Hillary and I are confident that you will have made complete
 recovery and that you should return to your family to join
 the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

 Best wishes,

 Bill Clinton

 P.S.  George Bush is banging Jodie Foster

Top
Subj:     Clinton's Driver Runs Over A Pig (S188, S481b)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 6/14/98
      and From: DoctorDebt on 4/7/2006

 Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country
 road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing
 it instantly.  Bill told his driver to go up to the farm
 house and explain to the owners what had happened.

 About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to
 the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the
 other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

 "What happened to you", asked Bill.

 Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the
 Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love
 to me.

 "My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.

 The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just
 killed the pig".

Top
Subj:     Clinton And Falwell Travel On A Plane
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-29

 Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a
 recent flight.  After the plane was airborne, the flight
 attendant came around for drink orders.

 The President asked for a whisky ? soda, which was brought
 and placed before him.  The attendant then asked the
 minister if he would also like a drink.

 The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be
 savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch
 these lips!"

 The President quickly handed his drink back to the
 attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was
 a choice... I'll have the same thing he's having."

Top
Subj:     State Of The Union Address..That President Clinton Wanted To Give.
          From: BawdyNet Collage on 98-04-20 (S64)

 "Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her.
 I banged her like a cheap gong.  Which is not news, folks,
 because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin
 flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.

 The only babes in D.C.  I haven't tried to do are the First Lady,
 Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little
 older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler
 Earl Campbell would envy.

 Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do.  If not
 for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping
 gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be
 married to the President.

 So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid
 FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up
 a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff,
 paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an
 upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval
 Office. Got it? Good.

 Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't
 know I was as horny as Woody Allen.  But, you elected me
 anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.  Your
 other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time
 resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he
 could bomb his way into the White House.

 Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
 Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him
 who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole
 time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before
 that coined, but never really understood, the concept of
 'plausible deniability, and almost got a one-way ticket to
 San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.

 Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major
 contribution to American society was Agent Orange.  And
 John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't
 hang around long enough for America to spot that curious
 atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a
 dozen former residents of the White House.  Which brings
 me back to my point.

 Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White
 House, government is doing more for less.  The budget is
 balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute
 to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about,
 evidently.

 Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job
 as a night watchman.  The stock market is higher than a
 D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a
 degree from a junior college who can spell "Internet" has
 enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his
 boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

 Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it
 with my pecker showing.  What I'm asking for is your support,
 not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a
 hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.
 In the meantime, think about where you are today and what
 kind of life you're living before you get too interested in
 where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.

Top
Subj:     Dirty Notes To The President

 Early Christmas morning, Billy and Hillary(ous) get up and
 look out their big picture window at the snow covered lawn
 of the white house.  But, much to the Prez's surprise,
 somebody has written in the snow with urine.  They rush
 out to find that it says, in rather large letters, "BILL
 SUCKS!".

 Bill was really upset because the security was suppose to
 be air tight around the White House, so, he got his Security
 Chief to come ? see him.  "I want you to find out who did
 it within one week."  A week went by and the White House
 Security Chief came to see Bill. "Sir, I have good news and
 bad news for you regarding the writings on the snow covered
 lawn." Bill told him to give him the good news first.

 "Well my President, the good news is that we have found out
 it was Al Gore out there on the lawn that night and it was
 his piss that made the writing, sir!"

 Clinton said, "But, he is my vice-President!  Why would he
 do that? and what's the bad news??" The Security Chief said,
 "Well Sir, Mr. Gore did not do it... it was only his piss.
 The bad news is that it was Hillary Clinton, the First
 Lady's hand writing, Sir!!"

Top
Subj:     President Jogs

 President Clinton and his body guards were in the cool down
 phase after having jogged five miles.  Clinton said, "Boy,
 I can't wait to get back to the White House!  I'm going right
 upstairs to rip off Hillary's panties."

 "Oh," leered one of the secret service men, "jogging make
 you horny, huh, Mr. President?"

 "No, jogging makes them ride up my crack!"

Top
Subj:     Clinton Jogs By The Memorials (S52)
          From: Anaise on 98-01-26

 Bill Clinton went jogging one evening and came upon the
 Washington Monument. He said, "George, what should I do?"

 After a few seconds, George replied, "Abolish the IRS and
 start over."

 Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued
 jogging.  Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and
 stopped. He said, "Tom, what should I do?"

 After a few seconds, Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and
 start over."

 Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came
 upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?"

 After a few seconds, Abe replied, "Why don't you take the
 night off and go to the theater?"

Top
Subj:     Clinton Jogs Past Prostitute (S329, S522c)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 5/16/2003
      and From: jbcary1 on 1/15/2007

 Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
 But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing
 on the same street corner, day after day.  With some appre-
 hension he would brace himself as he approached her for what
 was most certainly to follow.  "Fifty dollars!" she would
 shout from the curb. "No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
 This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued! for days.
 He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell
 back, "Five dollars!"

 One day however, Hillary decided she wanted to accompany her
 husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the proble-
 matic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her
 $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been
 doing on all his past outings.  He realized he should have a
 darn good explanation for the junior Senator. As they jogged
 into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill
 became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there
 was the hooker.  Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
 as she watched the pair jog past.  Then, from the sidewalk,
 the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?"

Top
Subj:     The President And The Puppies

 (Also see 'Minister's Puppies' in PREACHER file)

 President Clinton was out jogging with his usual group of
 Secret Service Agents when he came upon a small boy with a
 box full of puppies with a sign that read "Free Puppies".
 The President stopped in front of the boy and asked him if
 he knew who he was.  "Yes sir, you'n the President" said the
 boy.  The boy went on talking "these puppies are all
 Democrats, sir.  The President smiled and went on jogging.

 The next day the President and the Vice-president were out
 jogging together when Clinton spotted the young boy, he
 told the Vice-president to watch.  The President stopped in
 front of the boy as he did the day before and asked the boy
 if he knew who he was.  "Yes sir, you're the President",
 said the boy.  "And what kind of puppies are these?" asked
 the President knowing the boy's answer would please the
 Vice-president.

 "Why they're Republicans" answered the boy.  The President
 was perplexed.

 "Yesterday you told me that these were Democrats and today,
 you tell me they are Republicans, what's going on?"

 The boy answered, "Yesterday, their eyes were closed".

Top
Subj:     Clinton Asks For Example Of 'Tragedy' (S16, S369)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-22
      and From: Grampsboyd on 2/15/2004

 Bill Clinton is visiting a school.  In one class, he asks
 the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".

 One little boy stands up and offers "If my best friend who
 lives next door was playing in the street when a car came
 along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

 "No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

 A girl raises her hand.  "If a school bus carrying fifty
 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved...
 that would be a tragedy."

 I'm afraid not," explains Clinton.  "That is what we would
 call a GREAT LOSS."

 The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.

 "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can
 give me an example of a tragedy"?

 Finally a boy in the back raises his hand.  In a timid
 voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary
 Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."

 "Wonderful!" Clinton beams.  "And can you tell me WHY
 that would be a tragedy?"

 "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT
 and it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"

Top
Subj:     Clinton Meets A Genie
          From: ipkis on 97-07-01

 Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled
 upon an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-
 and-behold a Genie appeared.  Bill was amazed and asked
 if he got three wishes.

 The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant down-
 sizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce
 global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...
 what'll it be?"

 Bill didn't hesitate.  He said, "I want peace in the Middle
 East.  See this map?  I want these countries to stop
 fighting with each other."

 The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man!
 These  countries have been at war for thousands of years.
 I'm good but not THAT  good.  I don't think it can be done.
 Make another wish."

 Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really
 don't like my wife.  They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes
 me around.  I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in
 the world and I want everybody to like her.  That's what I
 want."

 The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map
 again."

Top
Subj:     Renaming Your Dick
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #173

 For every Dick Johnson and Harry Johnson and Magic Johnson
 and Dick Hare and Dick Long and Dick Strong out there who's
 tired of all the cheap jokes about his name, I recommend a
 new slang term for the male organ and his buddies...

 A name inspired by a great American president.

 A guy who clearly gets around.

 He loves da nightlife. He gotsta boogie.

 So, forget dick.

 Forget willy.

 Forget johnson.

 From now on, it's a "Clinton."  That's right, a "Clinton."

 For short, you can call him "Clint."

 And instead of "Jim and the Twins,"  it's "Clinton and the
 Little Rocks."

Top
Subj:     Clinton's Parrot Dies (S46)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day on 97-12-16

 (See 'Parrot From A Whore House' in BIRDS)

 While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp
 David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their
 pet parrot.  They hadn't been gone for more than a couple
 of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of
 it's cage.

 The housekeeper knew the first family would be devastated
 at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to
 find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store
 in Washington.

 After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she came across
 an almost exact duplicate of the bird.  As she purchased
 the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had
 previously been owned by a Madam and had lived for several
 years in a house of ill-repute.

 The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and
 she took the bird back to the White House.

 The morning after the Clinton's return to the White House,
 Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too
 young."

 A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird
 responded with, "Too old."

 Late that afternoon the President entered the room and
 the bird said, "HI, BILL!"

Top
Subj:     Top 16 Changes At The White House
          Now That The Clintons Have A Puppy
          From: ipkis on 97-12-19

 16. To avoid confusion, staff reverts back to referring
     to Madelaine Albright by name.
 15. New "doggy door" makes it that much easier to sneak
     out for a midnight run to McDonald's.
 14. At long last, Bill won't have to flinch *every* time
     he hears "Bad boy."
 13. President is no longer the only one accused of burying
     his bone in someone else's yard.
 12. "Bitch" label now somewhat ambiguous.
 11. Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no
     longer automatically implicates the President.
 10. New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.
  9. Obviously miffed, Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note
     reading "Bil kilt Vyns Fosdr!"
  8. Shouts of "Come!" from Lincoln bedroom no longer
     make Hillary suspicious.
  7. Chelsea drops to #2 on the White House Pug-Ugly List.
  6. Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily
     to-do list.
  5. Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the
     Rose Garden.
  4. Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno
     burst into tears at State dinners.
  3. To the embarrassment of the trainers, the dog is still
     unable to tell Al Gore from a tree.
  2. "Get that horny furball off my leg!" no longer refers
     exclusively to the President.

     and the Number 1 Change at the White House,
     now that the Clintons have a Puppy...

  1. Campaign donors staying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom
     now find complimentary Tootsie Rolls on their pillows.


Subj:     Short Clinton Jokes
 

Top
Subj:     Chelsea Returns From College (S302b, S97)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #289 on98-12-09
      and From: pns on 11/11/2002
 Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for
 the holidays.  Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter
 and pressed her for information about college.  "So, are
 you enjoying college, dear?" she asked.  Chelsea nodded
 vigorously.

 "And are there boys in college?" Hillary questioned.  Once
 again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
 Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter's
 activities, went on to ask, "And are you having sex with
 these boys?"

 Chelsea burst out laughing.  After a moment, she straightened,
 stared into her mother's eyes, and said, "Not according to Dad."
 

Top
Subj:     Bill Brings Back Two Pigs
 Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport.  A ramp
 is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig
 under each arm.  As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the
 bottom snaps to a salute. Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse
 me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full."

 "Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine. "Now hold
 on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs.  These are genuine
 Arkansas Razorbacks."

 "Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine.  "I got this one
 for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains.  The
 Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so
 myself Sir!"
 

Top
Subj:     Bill Gets A Dog (2ed vers.)
 Clinton is returning to Washington after a trip, and as he
 walks down the steps of Air Force One, he is leading a small
 dog on a leash.  The Marine at the bottom of the steps snaps
 a smart salute.
 Marine:  "Welcome back home, Mr. President."
 Clinton:  "Thank you.  It's good to be back."
 Marine:  "Nice dog, sir."
 Clinton:  "Thanks.  I got it for Hillary."
 Marine:  "Good trade, sir."
 

From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97
 Bill ? HIllary are at the first baseball game of the season...
 opening day!!!  Suddenly and very unexpectedly, (and before
 the game had gotten started) Clinton grabs Hillary by the
 collar and throws her over the side and onto the field.
 The audience at the game as well as on the television
 stations, was shocked.  Equally stunned was the home plate
 umpire, leaning over to help Hillary get on her feet, and he
 shouted, "No, Mr. President!" I said, Throw the first "pitch" !"

From: dscott on 97-06-04  (S19)
 Same as ENGLISHMEN file - 'Short English Jokes'
 Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant.  The waiter tells them
 tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
 "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says.
 The waiter nods.  "And the vegetable?" he asks.
 "Oh, HE'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

From: humorlist-digest V1 #202 on 97-09-18
 One day the Clintons and the Gores are out at dinner and having
 a really great time, lots of drinks and friendly flirting.
 Bill Clinton looks out over the table and says, "You know,
 we're such good friends, why don't we swap for  one night and
 make the sex more exciting ?"

 They all think it's a great idea, and they head off to their
 bedrooms.  Suddenly Bill Clinton hears Hillary from the next
 room screaming uncontrollably with pleasure.  He starts to get
 a little jealous, so he asks, "I wonder what Hillary could be
 getting that makes her that happy ?"

 Then Al Gore, lying next to him says, "I don't know, but Tipper
 must be really hot tonight!"

From: humorlist-digest V2 #4 on 98-01-04
 Paul McCartney says it's wrong to make criminals out of people
 who smoke pot.  The problem is, pot is a gateway drug.  One
 day you're not inhaling, the next day you're not violating
 campaign finance laws.

From: Anaise on 98-01-26
 Name that Scandal: Winner: Zippergate. First runner up: Tailgate.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #226 on 98-01-28
 Clinton's new nickname?  The Unabanger.

 What's the new name for the latest Presidential scandal?
 Fornigate.

 What's the new game they're playing in the White House?
 Swallow the Leader.

From: cohen on 98-01-28
 Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?

 He just bends over the pages!

From: humorlist-digest V2 #27 on 98-01-28
 President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office
 to see one of his aides nervously approach him.    "What is
 it?" yells the President.  "It's this abortion bill, Mr.
 President.  What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.
 "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 29 Jan 98
 Should we rename it THE ORAL OFFICE?

From: humorlist-digest V2 #28 on 98-01-29
 President French-Fry was out jogging when a Hooker standing
 on the corner hailed him.  "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!"
 "No, no." Bill replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept
 on jogging.  This exchange soon became a part of the President's
 normal routine.  Each day as he'd approach the corner, the
 hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President... Fifty Bucks!"
 and Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!" Well, one day,
 Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill.  As they
 neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible
 scene was about to happen.  Sure enough, there was the hooker,
 and just like all the other times she smiled and waved and
 yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you get for Five
 Bucks!"

From: TNKRTEACH on 98-02-02
 "One thing's for sure about Clinton...
 He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"

From: TwistBlts (S55)
 Monica, Monica,
 I told you to lick my erection,
 Not wreck my election.

 Monica, Monica,
 I told you to lie in a different position,
 Not lie in a deposition.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #80 on 98-03-30 (S61)
 Did you hear Yasir Arafat's advice to Bill Clinton?
 Sheep don't talk.

 Know what the latest game-craze in Washington is?
 Swallow the leader

 Irrelvant fact #1: Monica Lewinski was in the same
 2nd grade class as Tori Spelling of 90210 fame.

From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
 If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #93 on 98-04-15 (S63)
 Clinton was walking around the White House with a pair of
 ladies panties on his arm.  Everyone was looking at him
 and wondering what he was doing now.  After about an hour
 one guy got brave enough to ask him what he was doing with
 the pair of ladies panties on his arm and Clinton replied,
 "It's the patch, I'm trying to quit."

From: humorlist-digest V2 #93 on 98-04-15 (S63)
 A woman shows up at the white house in a trench coat and
 scarf and says,

 "I received your emergency phone call, Mrs. Clinton, and
 came right away, but what could I possibly do to save the
 country?"

 Mrs. Clinton: "Come inside and let me explain, Mrs. Bobbit."

From: ossama on 98-04-18 (S64)
 According to Men's Health magazine, the male lion can have
 sex as often as 100 times a day.  In fact, at 103 times a
 day, the other animals stop calling him "King of the Jungle"
 and start calling him "President of the United States."

From: humorlist-digest V2 #112 on 98-05-07
 To ensure economic prosperity, ancient civilization would
 sacrifice a virgin by throwing her in a volcano.  Nowadays,
 the job qualifications are less stringent, and she merely
 has to work as a White House intern.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #245 on 98-05-08 (S67)
 I was thinking what a wonderful country America is! Only in
 America can a foreign diplomat claim diplomatic immunity
 for charges of vehicular manslaughter, but our own President
 cannot claim executive privilege for a blow job!

From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
 Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-30
 Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

From:  Bawdy.Net Collage #265 in 98-08-10 (S80)
 In the year 2000 we will all remember Mr. Clinton
 as "The President who followed Bush"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #267 on 98-08-21 (S82)
 Did you hear that the FBI is having problems with the stains
 on Monica's dress?  It seems that everybody in Arkansas has
 the same DNA.

Top
Subj:     Clinton Zingers (S83)
          From: ossama on 98-09-03
 Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
 honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production
 in Canada this year.

 When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
 he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."

 If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river
 and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer
 prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

 Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon
 a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After
 I'm elected...'"

 Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and
 be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

 The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking
 Eagle" because he is so full of sh.. that he can't fly.

 Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane
 as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?

 Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's
 finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.

 Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in
 Asia are just like kids everywhere else."

 Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe

From: ossama on 98-10-13
 Siskel and Ebert gave Clinton's video taped testimony two cigars up!

Top
Subj: Clinton Stew (S91)
      From: RFSlick on 98-09-22
 What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
 Put a tiny weenie into real hot water.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #219 98-09-16 (S96)
 I'm glad I'm not President of the United States, because then
 I would be limited to having sex with pretty much whoever shows
 up in my office.

From: RFSlick on 98-12-09 (S99)
 Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy,
 "I've got another dress for you to clean."

 Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

 "No," says Monica. "Mustard."

From: humorlist-digest V3 #7 on 99-01-09 (S102)
 In Kennedy's time we had Camelot. In Clinton's we have CAME-A-LOT.

Top
Subj:     Anagram (S107)
          From: Tom_Adams on 99-02-11
President Clinton Of The USA - To Copulate He Finds Interns

From: ossama on 4/25/99 (S117)
 In New York, a Democratic bumper sticker saying, "Run Hillary,
 Run" has appeared.  Republicans are putting it on their FRONT
 bumper.

From: tadams96 on 6/6/2003 (S332b)
 "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
 our papers. We are the president."  -- Hillary Clinton
 commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

 "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
    -- Bill Clinton, President

Top
Subj:     Clinton Question and Answers

 Q: Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat.  Who gets saved?
 A: The nation.

 Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a
    dishonest lawyer?
 A: Chelsea.

 Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
 A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

 Q: Why did all the homosexuals vote for Bill Clinton in the
    last election?
 A: Because they like assholes better than Bush.

 Q: How come Clinton doesn't catch colds?
 A: He knows how to avoid the draft.

 Q: What's the difference between Bob Dole and Hillary Clinton?
 A: Dole always wants to screw the president.

 Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
 A: By the wise look in the cow's eyes.

From: Anaise on 98-01-26
 Q: Why does Bill Clinton wears underwear?
 A: To keep his ankles warm.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #27 on 98-01-28
 Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
 A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

From: humorlist-digest V2 #28 on 98-01-29
 Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
 A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

 Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
 A: He married her.

 Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's
    sexual appetite?
 A: It Takes A Village!

 Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
 A: Swallow the leader

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #226 on 98-01-28
 Q: What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
 A: At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity
    of "Deep Throat."

 Q: What is the name of Hillary's next book?
 A: 'It Takes a Village to Keep an Eye on My Husband.'

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #235 on 98-03-09 (S58)
 Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and
    a screwdriver?
 A: A screwdriver turns in screws....

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #243 0n 98-05-01 (S66)
 Q: What's furry, green, and smells like pussy?
 A: The pool table in the Oval Office.

From: FrankRoesc on 98-09-25 (S86)
 Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines
    have in common?
 A: They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill" here."

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