>>> Subj:     Clinton Scandal1 Jokes                  (Includes 19 jokes and articles, 11944n,1,cf,wXT,0)

Clinton's Picture from Animated GIFs Collection

Also see DOCTOR3 file - 'New Drugs For Men'
         FART file    - 'Hillary And Janet Girl Talk'
         HELL file    - 'Saddam Goes To Hell'
         KIDS4 file   - 'Boy & Girl To Play Doctor'
         LETTERS2 file- 'Chain Letter For Men'
         MANNERS      - 'Dear Abby - Unfaitful Husband'
......................- 'Dear Abby - Unfaitful Husband II'
         PLANE2 file  - 'Flight Safety'
         POLITICAL2   - 'Quote Of The Year'
......................- 'Six Presidents On A Sinking Ship'
         POLIT-BUSH   - 'Craig Kilborn Quote'
         SCHOOL1 file - 'History Lesson'
         SOLDIER2 file- 'Two Enemy Soldiers Meet'
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Subj:     Clinton White House Portrait (S416)
          From: jbcary1 on 1/15/2005
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Subj:     Lewinsky Kaczynski Limerick (S81, S340)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #266 on 98-08-15
      and From: pns on 8/4/2003
 

 This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were
 to use the words Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a limerick.  Here
 are the three winners:

 Entry # 1
 There once was a gal named Lewinsky
 Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
 'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
 On this flute made of beef
 That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

 Entry # 2
 Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
 We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
 Since you look such a mess,
 Use the hem of your dress
 And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

 Entry # 3
 Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
 What Kaczynski must surely have known:
 That an intern is better
 Than a bomb in a letter
 When deciding how best to be blown.

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Subj:     How Would You Like Be Bill Clinton's Friend? (S96)
          From: RFSlick on 98-09-22

 The following is a list of dead people connected with Bill
 Clinton:

 James McDougal - Clinton's convicted Whitewater partner died
    of an apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement.
    He was a key witness in Ken Starr's investigation.

 Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was Starbucks
    Coffee Shop in Georgetown.  The murder happened just after
    she was to go public with her story of sexual harassment
    in the White House.

 Vince Foster - Former white House councelor, and colleague
    of Hillary Clinton at Little Rock's Rose law firm.  Died
    of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a suicide.

 Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former DNC Chairman.
    Reported to have died by impact in a plane crash.  A
    pathologist close to the investigation reported that there
    was a hole in the top of Brown's skull resembling a
    gunshot wound.  At the time of his death Brown was being
    investigated, and spoke publicly of his willingness to
    cut a deal with prosecutors.

 C. Victor Raiser II - & - Montgomery raiser major players
    in the Clinton fund raising organization died in a
    private plane crash in July 1992.

 Paul Tulley - Democratic National Committee Political
    Director found dead in a hotel room in Little Rock,
    September 1992.  Described by Clinton as a " Dear
    friend and trusted advisor".

 Ed Willey - Clinton fund raiser, found dead November 1993
    deep in the woods in Virginia of a gunshot wound to the
    head.  Ruled a suicide.  Ed Willey died on the same day
    his wife Kathleen Willey claimed Bill Clinton groped her
    in the oval office in the White House.  Ed Willey was
    involved in several Clinton fund raising events.

 Jerry Parks - Head of Clinton's gubernatorial security team
    in Little Rock.  Gunned down in his car at a deserted
    intersection outside Little Rock.  Park's son said his
    father was building a dossier on Clinton.  He allegedly
    threatened to reveal this information.  After he died
    the files were mysteriously removed from his house.

 James Bunch - Died from a gunshot suicide.  It was reported
    that he had a "Black Book" of people containing names of
    influential people who visited prostitutes in Texas and
    Arkansas.

 James Wilson - Was found dead in May 1993 from an aparent
    hanging suicide.  He was reported to have ties to
    Whitewater.

 Kathy Ferguson - Ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson
    died in May 1994 was found dead in her living room with
    a gunshot to her head.  It was ruled a suicide even though
    there were several packed suitcases, as if she was going
    someware.  Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with
    Bill Clinton in the Paula Jones lawsuit.  Kathy Ferguson
    was a possible corroborating witness for Paula Jones.

 Bill Shelton - Arkansas state Trooper and fiancee of Kathy
    Ferguson.  Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiancee,
    he was found dead in June, 1994 of a gunshot wound also
    ruled a suicide at the gravesite of his fiancee.

 Gandy Baugh - Attorney for Clinton friend Dan Lassater died
    by jumping out a window of a tall building January, 1994.
    His client was a convicted drug distributor.

 Florence Martin - Accountant sub-contractor for the CIA
    related to the Barry Seal Mena Airport drug smuggling
    case.  Died of three gunshot wounds.

 Suzanne Coleman - Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when
    he was Arkansas Attorney General.  Died of a gunshot
    wound to the back of the head, ruled a suicide.  Was
    pregnant at the time of her death.

 Paula Grober - Clinton's speech interpreter for the deaf
    from 1978 until her death December 9, 1992.  She died
    in a one car accident.

 Danny Casolaro - Investigative reporter.  Investigating
    Mena Airport and Arkansas Development Finance Authority.
    He slit his wrists, apparent suicide in the middle of
    his investigation.

 Paul Wilcher - Attorney investigating corruption at Mena
    Airport with Casolaro and the 1980 "October Surprise"
    was found dead on a toilet June 22, 1993 in his
    Washington DC apartment.  Had delivered a report to
    Janet Reno 3 weeks before his death.

 Jon Parnell Walker - Whitewater investigator for Resolution
    Trust Corp.  Jumped to his death from his Arlington,
    Virginia apartment balcony August 15, 1993.  He was
    investigating Morgan Guarantee scandal.

 Barbara Wise - Commerce Department staffer.  Worked
    closely with Ron Brown and John Huang.  Cause of death
    unknown.  Died November 29, 1996.  Her brused nude body
    was found locked in her office at the Department of
    Commerce.

 Charles Meissner - Assistant Secretary of Commerce who gave
    John Huang special security clearance, died shortly
    thereafter in a small plane crash.

 Dr. Stanley Heard - Chairman of the National Chiropractic
    Health Care Advisory Committee died with his attorney
    Steve Dickson in a small plane crash.  Dr. Heard, in
    addition to serving on Clinton's advisory council
    personally treated Clinton's mother, stepfather and brother.

 Barry Seal - Drug running pilot out of Mena Arkansas, death
    was no accident.

 Johnny Lawhorn Jr. - Mechanic, found a check made out to
    Clinton in the trunk of a car left in his repair shop.
    Died when his car hit a utility pole.

 Stanley Huggins - Suicide.  Investigated Madison Guarantee.
    His report was never released.

 Hershell Friday - Attorney and Clinton fund raiser died
    March 1, 1994 when his plane exploded.

 Kevin Ives & Don Henry - Known as "The boys on the track"
    case.  Reports say the boys may have stumbled upon the
    Mena, Arkansas airport drug operation.  Controversaial
    case where initial report of death was due to falling
    asleep on railroad track.  Later reports claim the 2 boys
    had been slain before being placed on the tracks.  Many
    linked to the case died before their testimony could come
    before a Grand Jury.

 THE FOLLOWING SIX PERSONS HAD INFORMATION ON THE IVES HENRY CASE:

 Keith Coney - Died when his motorcycle slammed into the
    back of a truck July, 1988

 Keith McMaskle - Died stabbed 113 times, Nov, 1988

 Gregory Collins - Died from a gunshot wound January 1989.

 Jeff Rhodes - He was shot, mutilated and found burned in a
    trash dump in April 1989.

 James Milan - Found decapitated. Coroner ruled death due
    to natural causes.

 Jordan Kettleson - Was found shot to death in the front
    seat of his pickup truck in June 1990.

 Richard Winters - Was a suspect in the Ives / Henry deaths.
    Was killed in a set-up robbery July 1989

 THE FOLLOWING CLINTON BODYGUARDS ARE  DEAD:

 Major William S. Barkley Jr.
 Captain Scott J. Reynolds
 Sgt. Brian Hanley
 Sgt. Tim Sabel
 Major General William Robertson
 Col. William Densberger
 Col. Robert Kelly
 Spec. Gary Rhodes
 Steve Willis
 Robert Williams
 Conway LeBleu
 Todd McKeehan

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Subj:     Clinton Has A Red Rash (S95)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #271 on 98-11-19

 While undressing for bed one night, ol' Bill notices some-
 thing like a red rash around his penis.  Alarmed, he
 thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point
 of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the
 very next day.  "Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring
 around my, you know.  What is it, and how do I get rid of
 it?"

 The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is,
 but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes
 care of it.  If not, come back and we'll try something else."
 Bill takes the pills for the week,but unfortunately, the
 red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his
 doctor and tells him the pills didn't help.

 So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this
 time, and gives him the same instructions.  Take them for
 a week, and come back if it's not improved.  Bill takes
 the capsules for a week, and the red ring is still there.
 So he goes back to his doctor and asks, "What's next?"

 The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time.  Rub
 this on every day for a week, and let me know.  Bill goes
 back in a week and says, "Great news, doc!  The rash is
 gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful!  What was it?"
 The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover".

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Subj:     Federal Warning (S88)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #227 on 98-09-25

 The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia announced
 today: The President of the United States has proven that
 you CAN get sex from aides.

Top
Subj:     Eleventh Commandment (S88 - From: CLINTONSCANDAL)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #235 on 98-10-04

 Moses was complaining to God that the Ten Commandments did
 not seem to cover all the offenses that Clinton was
 committing.  It seemed that another commandment was needed
 to cover what he was doing.  God agreed and said that he
 would get back to Moses right away.

 The next day, God said unto Moses, "Moses, henceforth,
 there shall be an eleventh commandment: "Thou shalt not
 put thy rod in Thy staff".

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Subj:     Monica's Marriage (S86)
          From: JOELFALLON on 98-09-24

 After all the fuss was over, Monica Lewinsky met a nice man
 and got married. On the first night of the honeymoon, the
 newlyweds consummated their union. Afterward, her husband
 turned to her with a smile. "Well, Monica, was that the best
 experience of your life?"

 She thought a moment, then turned and with a wistful look
 answered, "Close, but no cigar."

Top
Subj:     Bogus 'Ken Starr' Quote Being Circulated (S86)
          From: smiles on 98-09-23

 Star Tribune Website editor's Usenet Posting
 Sept 25, 1998 Steve Yelvington, Editor, startribune.com
 Mpls Star Tribune)

 Here is the quote that is being attributed to Kenneth Starr:

 "Public media should not contain explicit or implied
  descriptions of sex acts.  Our society should be purged
  of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic
  material while pretending it has some redeeming social
  value under the public's 'right to know'."
     -- Kenneth Starr, 1987, "Sixty Minutes" interview with
        Dianne Sawyer.

 This is what the Star Tribune on-line web site editor,
 Steve Yelvington, had to say about this quote:

 "That juicy Kenneth Starr quote is yet another of the
 net.legends.bogus variety, along with the modem tax, the
 Craig Shergold letter, Good Times, and MAKE.MONEY.FAST.

 CBS says it can find no record of Kenneth Starr ever
 appearing on the show.  Al Kamen pointed out in the
 Washington Post this morning: "anyone who knows Starr
 knows he doesn't talk that way." (Kamen also said that
 if you recite that quote out loud, you sound like Daffy
 Duck. I have not tried that.)

 Unfortunately, it's showing up as a tagline in sigfiles,
 which is a remarkably efficient way of spreading this
 mind virus."

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Subj:     Hillary Sees A Fortune Teller (S84)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #211 on 98-09-08

 During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to
 visit a fortune teller of some local repute.  In a dark
 and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
 delivered grave news.

 "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt:
 Prepare yourself to be a widow.  Your husband will die a
 violent and horrible death this year."

 Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face,
 then at the single flickering candle, then down at her
 hands.  She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
 She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's
 gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

 "Will I be acquitted?"

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Subj:     Lewinsky Has An Operation (S82)
          From: thebartend on 98-08-21

 A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after
 an operation.  She was awake, so he examined her.  "You'll
 be fine Miss Lewinsky" he said.

 She asked "How long will it be before I am able to have a
 normal sex life again doctor."

 The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.  "What
 is the matter Doctor?  I will be all right won't I?"

 He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.  It's just that no one
 has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Top
Subj:     The Tragic Comedie Of King Leer (S81)
          From: smiles on 98-08-14

 Scene 1. A forest glen.
          Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.

 Witch Tripp:
  Double, double, Webster Hubbell,
  I think I got the Creep in trouble.
  Eye of Newt, strap of bra,
  Could it be he broke some law?
  Praise this broth utmost ephemeral,
  Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril!
  Hark! Who trespasses so near?

 Kenneth of Starr: 'Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news?

 Witch Tripp: Things proceed with quickening speed, m'lord.
  The maiden Lewinsky, so deeply embroil'd, is now join'd
  by the Lady Willey in like pursuit.  Daily tightens the
  noose around the king.

 Starr: Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel,
  and more moves than a chess board. His public, well
  pleas'd with good news of the economie, doth o'erlook much.

 Witch Tripp: How may I serve you next?

 Starr: I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable.
  Else he may elude me yet.

 Witch Tripp: His dog Buddy, freshly neuter'd, may bear his
  master harsh reproach.  He may consent to wearing a collar
  of our invention, to survey the king at his ease. Dogs are
  much accustom'd to insects.  What's one more bug?

 Starr: Good hag, I rely on you completely. I must away.

  (Exeunt Tripp and Starr)

 Scene 2. The king's antechamber

 Duke of McCurry: My Lord! I needs must speak with you most
  urgently!  The castle is assaulted on all sides!

 Leer: What would I not give for an hour's peace!

 McCurry: An army of reporters is settled at thy gate.  They
  are press in name and press in deed, for they press me
  daily, nay, hourly for some explanation from thy lips.

 Leer: Who is there among them?

 McCurry: Lords Jennings, Brokaw, Rather, Geraldo of
  Rivera and a host of others.  Methinks I spied the van
  from Hard Copy.

 Leer: You cut me to the quick. Do they not know that I
  am chaste?

 McCurry: They insinuate that thou hast chased too often.

 Leer: Never have lies been so artfully stack'd against a
  pure soul.  Where is Lady Hillary?

 McCurry: Her secretary doth report that she is lock'd in
  her bath, saying over and over, "Why can I not wash my
  hands of this guy?"

 Leer: Oh cursed fate! I must be the most solitary mortal
  in all creation. Never have I betrayed m'lady's trust.

 McCurry: Whatever.

  (Enter Messenger)

 Messenger: Good king, steel thy nerve. I bring a missive
  from Kenneth of Starr, the Grand Inquisitor.

 Leer: Was ever a man as Starr-cross'd as I? Why does this
  man conspire to afflict me thus? My hand is unsteady.
  Read it to me.

 Messenger: Let me see. He offers you his regards, blah,
  blah, blah, then doth subpoena you to appear at his
  chamber at Friday next, to forswear again that thou
  tookst no liberties with the Jones wench, who
  withdraweth not her claims against you.

 Leer: I have already so sworn!

 McCurry: It would seem, m'lord, that the woeful tale of
  Lady Willey rekindles old flames.

 Leer: I kiss'd the woman on the forehead, as a sign of
  my regard.  Never was a king so expos'd!

 McCurry: Truer words were ne'er spoken.

 Leer: I cannot think on't further. Leave me to my own
  counsel.

  (Exeunt Messenger and McCurry)

 Leer: To be forthright, or not to be forthright, that is
  the question.  Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
  the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or just bag
  the whole thing and teach law at a junior college.

  (Enter Courtier)

 Courtier: My liege, you are late for an appointed meeting.

 Leer: What's this?

 Courtier: You were to interview a new assistant at the
  stroke of two.  She seems most capable, and with rare
  intellect for one so young and fair.

 Leer: Well, tell her I will see her anon, and on, and on.

 Courtier: A most clever jest, my king.

 Leer: Let us not tarry further.

  (Exeunt Leer and courtier. Enter Buddy, from behind a chair)

 Buddy: So dearest reader, I bid adieu.
  Me seeth I have much to do.
  And so it comes to this pretty pass
  To see if the king doth get some ....

Top
Subj:     Brain Cells (S81)
          From: RFSlick on 98-08-12

 All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which,
 over nine months, develop into a complete female baby.  The
 problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little
 chromosomes to make a male baby instead.  Because there are
 only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to
 develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from
 cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.  Recent
 tests have shown that these cells are removed from the
 communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the
 body and develop into male sexual organs.

 If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck
 of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short,
 so to speak.  Some of their cards are in their shorts.  This
 difference between the male and female brain manifests
 itself in various ways.

 Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn
 to read.  Little boys, however, will tend to do things like
 placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls.
 Little girls will think about doing things before taking
 any action.  Little boys will just punch or kick something
 and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just
 punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking
 the other way.  This basic cognitive difference continues to
 grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and
 the trouble really begins.

 After puberty, not only the size of the male and female
 brains differ, but the center of thought also differs.
 Women think with their heads.  Male thoughts often originate
 lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.  Of
 course, the size of this problem varies from man to man.

 In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and
 they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they
 tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are
 known in medical terms as "Republicans."

 Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation.  These men
 are medically referred to as "Democrats."

 A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration
 to their groins.  These men are usually referred to as....
 "Mr. President."

Top
Subj:     Hillary Is Pregnant (S80)
          From: ossama on 98-08-12

 Hillary went in for her yearly checkup.  When she was
 finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked.
 He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape
 but, that she was pregnant!  She told the doctor there
 was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a
 month pregnant.  Well, she stormed out of the office and
 went to the receptionist and took the phone and called
 the white house.  When the operator answered she said
 that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill
 right away.  Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered.

 Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did you
 lousy jerk.  You got me pregnant!!!"  The President
 remained silent.  Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW
 WHAT YOU DID, YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERK?  YOU GOT ME
 PREGNANT!!!"

 Finally Bill answered "Who is this???"
.

Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009

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Second Version
Subj:     Hillary Is Pregnant (S280)
          From: mbucher on 6/11/2002

 Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to
 find out that she's pregnant.  She is furious.  Here she's
 in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and
 this has happened to her.

 She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately
 starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen?
 With all that's going on right now, you go and get me
 pregnant!  How could you? I can't believe this!  I just
 found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your
 fault! Your fault!

 Well, what have you got to say?"

 There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

 She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

 Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.  In a
 barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

Top
Subj:     Presidential Advisors Have Bad News And Worse News
          From: ossama on 98-06-08

 A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting
 a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on
 their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and
 Clinton isn't in the room.

 "What's the matter" he asked

 "Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"

 "What's the bad news?"

 "India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground
 test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area;
 and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional
 war -- that may go nuclear."

 "Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"

 "Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra..."

Top
Subj:     Monica's Diary (BN2)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #69 on 98-03-19
          From  Mitch Musicant, Freeport, N.Y.

 Entry 1
 Dear Diary,
 I'm so excited!  Just got a job as an intern at the White
 House....and I don't know a thing about medicine.  Don't
 even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands
 on" position.

 Entry 2
 Dear Diary,
 You won't believe this!  I snuck into the Oval Office when
 no one was looking.  But then I dropped one of my contacts.
 So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it
 when-guess what-the president walked in.  He said, "You
 must be the new intern."  That man is psychic!  I hope he
 likes me.

 Entry 3
 Dear Diary,
 I think the president likes me.  Today he dropped his
 contacts on the rug and asked me to find them.

 Entry 4
 Dear Diary,
 He really likes me.

 Entry 5
 Dear Diary,
 I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work.  It is
 such a drag.  Like they're going to put me in charge of
 heat-seeking missiles or something.  But I still talk to
 my Bubba-cakes on the phone.  He calls me "1-900 Monica."
 (That means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred.  That's
 pretty special.)

 Entry 6
 Dear Diary,
 I met a really nice girl today.  Her name is Linda.  She's
 really cool except for that clown hair.  Has she ever
 heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.

 Entry 7
 Dear Diary,
 I think Linda is hard of hearing.  She keeps asking me to
 speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.

 Entry 8
 Dear Diary,
 Oh-oh. The bad news:  I've been subpoenaed.  The good
 news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend.  I'm
 going job hunting with him tomorrow.

 Entry 9
 Dear Diary,
 I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones'
 case.  What is she talking about?  There are no
 distinguishing marks.  And, by the way, I am way cuter
 than her.  She looks like David Brenner in drag.

 Entry 10
 Dear Diary,
 I've had it.  I'm never going to be an intern again.  I'm
 going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind
 of work.

 Entry 11
 Dear Diary,
 Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I
 thought I would pop.  It's the first time in six months
 I called a man "daddy" that I was actually related to.

 Entry 12
 Dear Diary,
 It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where
 they really understand me.  O.J. stopped by-he said not
 to worry because, "If there's no spot on the dress, it's
 anybody's guess."

 Entry 13
 Dear Diary,
 All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm
 getting from Kenneth Starr.  I think they have a subpoena
 envy.  And Linda Tripp.  I hate her.  I'm thinking of
 selling a Linda Doll.  You wind it up and it stabs a
 Barbie doll in the back.

 Entry 14
 Dear Diary,
 Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able
 solution to this whole wacky Iraqi crisis.  He forgets
 that I worked at the Pentagon.  Just have Vernon Jordan
 get Saddam Whatsisname a job at Revlon. (God, it's a no
 brainer!)

 Entry 15
 Dear Diary,
 They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the
 president.  I mean, give me a break.  That is so crazy.
 I mean, just because every day, when I worked at the
 White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.

 Entry 16
 Dear Diary,
 Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my
 position would stand up and be counted.  But they might
 hit their heads on the President's desk if they did.

 Entry 17
 Dear Diary,
 They keep talking about immunity... like I caught
 something from the President or something.  The truth
 is, there was always a secret service man outside the
 Oval Office protecting us.  Now, that's what I call
 safe sex!

 Entry 18
 Dear Diary,
 Omigod.  Mom and I are both going to the grand jury.
 What is that about anyway?  Sounds like some big hotel.
 Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking
 dictation in the Oval Office.  Me and my big mouth!

 Entry 19
 Dear Diary,
 I'm not really worried.   I've got offers to do some
 really cool movies that are going straight to video and
 starring me!   The Full Monica, a sequel to In And Out,
 A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy and my most favorite:
 Good Bill Humping.   I hope Speilberg will direct.

Top
Subj:     Milk... (S57)
          From: auntieg on 98-03-01

 A man walks into a tee shirt store.
 There are 3 shirts on display:

 The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache
 Below the picture is titled "Got Milk"

 The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a
 white mustache.  It is entitled "Forgot milk"

 The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a
 white mustache on it.  It is entitled " Not Milk"

Top
Subj:     Monica's Statement (S56)
          From: bawdymom on 98-02-18

 In response to President Clinton's firm denial, Monica
 Lewinsky released a statement through her Lawyer.

 "I have had enough! This whole experience has left a bitter
 taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more!  I feel
 as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has
 come to a head and blown up in my face!

 This may be a load to handle, but when times are hard, that
 is when I am at my best!

 I have faced hard times in the past and I know what is coming.

 I will meet this challenge the only way I know how ... head
 on! I have licked bigger odds than this before, and I will
 again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky
 isn't a fighter, that she quit before the job was done!  I
 will work non stop and fight this blow by blow until my
 name is wiped clean of this dirty affair!

 And sure, Willie might have gotten off before, but I won't
 let the little squirt get off that easy this time.  I'm
 thinking there's a stiff penalty to pay.

 Thank you,
 Monica

Top
Subj:     White House Intern Application
          From: Anaise on 98-01-29

 In case you missed it in the Help Wanted Section of today's
 newspaper.

 Greetings prospective White House interns!  This year, our
 program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's
 best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head
 Man" do his job.  We expect that 1998 will be the most
 exciting one yet!

 Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of
 this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

 *  Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political
    scene of the hottest city in the world!
 *  Get up close and personal with some of America's movers
    and shakers!
 *  See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't
    show you!
 *  Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!

 Sound like it's for you?
 Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:

 *  "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job
    answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing
    the president.  Getting involved in executive branch affairs
    is just fantastic."
      -- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

 As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long
 hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.

 Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it
 back  to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov

 1. Name:
 2. Hometown:
 3. Sex: F__
 4. Age: __
 5. Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
 6. How many beers it takes to get you...
    ..Giggly: __
    ..Drunk: __
    ..Hot: __
    ..To lie to a federal prosecutor: __

 *  Quick quiz:

 1. You've always considered the White House:
    a) a monument to democracy
    b) the place where great leaders meet
    c) vaguely erotic
    d) extremely erotic

 2.  Hillary Clinton is a(n):
    a) model wife and mother
    b) icon of late 20th century femininity
    c) obstacle
    d )inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

 3. You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
    a) Israeli policies
    b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
    c) romper room
    d) "monument to democracy"

 4. My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
    a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
    b) reading, study
    c) late nights working at the White House
    d) late nights working the White House

 Score:
 1 point for each a
 2 for each b
 3 for each c
 4 for each d

 Scores of 16 can start tomorrow.
 Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.
 Scores of 10 and below, you are not qualified, sorry.

 Uncle Sam wants you.

Top
Subj:     Four Presidents Visit Oz (S15)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-10
      and From: PGSP4LIFE on 09/17/1999

 (Also see 'Four Presidents Visit Oz' in Polit-Supp)

 The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado,
 and off they spin To OZ.  After threatening trials and
 tribulations, they finally make it to The Emerald City
 and come before the Great Wizard.

 WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD ? WHAT DO YOU WANT ?

 Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time
 with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

 "NO PROBLEM" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

 Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I
 need a brain."

 "DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT
 WIZARD?"  Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the
 American people that I Need a heart."

 "I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

 Then there is a great silence.  Bill Clinton is just
 standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

 Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO
 THE EMERALD CITY ?"

 "Is Dorothy around?"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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...............................From Smiley_Central
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