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>>>
Subj:     Political2 Jokes
                 (Includes 262 jokes and articles, 20 1006,12,cf,wYT2a3,9)

..........Click "Here" for Political-Supp
..........Click "Here" for Political-Supp2
 


Waving Flag from
Some New Light Shed
Includes the following:  B.C. Comic Strip (S805 in Supp2)
.........................President Reagan - His Humor And Wit - Video (S815 in Supp2)
.........................The Ultimate Minority In A Nightmare (S862 in Supp2)
........................."Slow Jam The News" w/Mitt Romney (Jimmy Fallon) (S887-Sup2)
.........................Homer Simpson Votes in 2008 And 2012 - Video (S820 in Supp2)
.........................How To Catch Wild Pigs (S572 in Supp2)
.........................Johnny Carson - Politician's Lie Detector - Vid (S811-Supp2)
.........................Little Girl Wants To Be The President (S807 in Supp2)
.........................Politicians At Work - Russian Music Video (S797 in Supp2)
.........................Ronald Reagan - Cow Manure Joke - Video (S786 in Supp2)
.........................Jack Abramoff: The Lobbyist's Playbook - Video (S773 - Sup2)
.........................Johnny Carson As Ronald Reagan - Video (S690 in Supp2)
.........................Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S996 in Supp2)
.........................The World's Smallest Political Quiz (S655 in Supp2)
.........................Rush Limbaugh On Obama Failing (S631 in Supp2)
.........................President Palin In The Oval Office (S612 in Supp2)
.........................ABC News Bans Flag Lapel Pins (S613 in Supp2)
.........................McCain/Obama Dance-Off - Video (S612c in Supp2)
.........................Mark Shields' On Gifford's Shooting - Videp (S732 - Supp2)
.........................
.........................GOP Poker Party - Jigsaw Puzzle (S936 in Supp)
.........................Sarah Palin Joke Video, Played By Gina Gershon (S606-Supp)
.........................The Bird Feeder (S537b in Supp)
.........................The I Rack - Video (S543 in Supp)
.........................NBA OR NFL? (S531 in Supp)
.........................Terrorists Capture Four Politicians (S474c in Supp)
.........................Mencken On The Presidency (S531 in Supp)
.........................Other Henry Louis Mencken Quotes (S531 in Supp)
.........................Political Correctness (S531c in Supp)
.........................
.........................Donald Trump And Ben Carson - Tonight Show Skit (S979)
.........................Bus Load Of Politicians Crashes (S220b)
.........................Clinton, Gore, And Bush Died (S206)
.........................Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S613)
.........................Ghosts of Christmas Pres(id)ent (S020, S456)
.........................Proposed Bush Inaugural Address Song (S201)
.........................It's A Jungle Out There - Painting (S408b)
.........................Presidential Campaign (S195)
.........................Al Gore Parks In The Snow (S171)
.........................Quotations From Various Politicians
..............................Quotes By Different Roosevelts
..............................Political Wisdom Quotes (S326)
..............................Winston Churchill quotes And Facts (S67)
..............................Dan Quayle Quotations (S111)
..............................Actual Politician's Quotes: (S242)
..............................President J.F.Kennedy Quotations
..............................Ben Franklin Quotations
..............................Thomas Jefferson Quotations
...........................The Life Of Harry Truman (S659)
.........................Quotations About Politicians (S826)
.........................Non Sequitur Cartoon (S1006)
                         Short Political Jokes
..............................Voting In Chicago (S816 in Supp2)
..............................A Career In Organized Crime (S794 in Supp2)
..............................Young Republican Pool Party - Video (S774 in Supp2)
..............................You Might Be A Wall Street Occupier, If: (S778-Supp2)
..............................Mike Peters Editorial - Cartoon (S771 in Supp2)
..............................Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip III (S769 in Supp2)
..............................Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip II (S764 in Supp2)
..............................Shoe Comic Strip (S726 in Supp2)
..............................Herman Cain's 999 Plan (S773 in Supp2)
..............................Why Republican Men Are Happier (S718 in Supp2)
..............................McCoy Political Cartoon (S703 in Supp2)
..............................Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip (S674b in Supp2)
..............................Winnie The Pooh (S663b in Supp2)
..............................Early Public Opinion Polls (S659b in Supp2)
..............................The Life Of Harry Truman (S659 in Supp2)
..............................Frazz Comic Strip (S650 in Supp2)
..............................Ann Telnaes Political Cartoons III (S644b in Supp2)
..............................Ann Telnaes Political Cartoons II (S643b in Supp2)
..............................Liberal Paradise (S889 in Supp2)
..............................Carlson Political Cartoon (S632b in Supp2)
..............................The Wizard Of Oz (S618b in Supp2)
..............................Mallard Fillmore Comic Strip (S618c in Supp2)
..............................Obama Meets Joe the Plumber (S613b in Supp2)
..............................The Ultimate Sarah Palin Gift (S613 in Supp2)
..............................Ann Telnaes Animated Cartoon (S613c in Supp2)
..............................New Internet Presidential Candidate (S610 in Supp2)
..............................Blondie Comic Strip (S613b in Supp2)
..............................Ann Telnaes Cartoons IV (S682 in Supp2)
..............................Shoe Sunday Comic Strip II (S822 in Supp2)
..............................
..............................State Of The Union Comic Strip (S613 in Supp)
..............................Opus' Dream Candidate (S612c in Supp)
..............................Opus On Political Conventions (S604 in Supp)
..............................State Of The Union Comic Strip III (S604b in Supp)
..............................Opus On His Midlife Crisis (S604b in Supp)
..............................Opus Discusses Elections (S603b in Supp)
..............................State Of The Union Comic Strip II (S602 in Supp)
..............................JibJab - Election 2008 - Video (S601 in Supp)
..............................JibJab - The Empire Strikes Barack - Video (S601-Supp)
..............................State Of The Union Comic Strip (S599b in Supp)
..............................Caroline Kennedy's New Profile: Politics (S597 in Supp)
..............................Our 3 Major Presidential Candidates: (S597 in Supp)
..............................John McCain's Sons (S595c in Supp)
..............................Red State Update - Video (S593 in Supp)
..............................Hillary And Barack Are Friends (S584 in Supp)
..............................The New Bush Coins - Video (S583b in Supp)
..............................New Perfume - Video (S583 in Supp)
..............................Democratic Dilemma (S582c in Supp)
..............................Jack Nicholson Endorses Hillary (S578b in Supp)
..............................Yes We Can - Video (S579 in Supp)
..............................No You Can't - Video (S579 in Supp)
.............................."Yes We Can" - John McCain Vers. - Video (S579 in Supp)
..............................Hillary And The Texas Primary (S578 in Supp)
..............................Frank And Ernest On Primaries (S578c in Supp)
..............................Hillary's Dream (S576b in Supp)
..............................QUIZ: Test Your Candidate IQ (S575 in Supp)
..............................Doonesbury On Barack Obama (S578c in Supp)
..............................The Hill-Billy Candidate (S578c in Supp)
..............................Chelsea Meets A Soldier (S577b in Supp)
..............................Frank And Ernest On Campaigning (S577 in Supp)
..............................Cute, Dirty, Campaign Button (S577c in Supp)
..............................Comic Of Republican Presidential Candidates (S573b-Sup)
..............................Select A Candidate Quiz (S573c in Supp)
..............................The Candidates (S573 in Supp)
..............................Obama Political Cartoon (S575b in Supp)
..............................The New Kellogg's Box (S572b in Supp)
..............................Obama-Chaney Cartoon (S572c in Supp)
..............................Fairy Tales (S559 in Supp)
..............................The Plan (S559b in Supp)
..............................Spot The Imposter (S540b in Supp)
..............................Bob Hope's One-Liner - Video (S526c in Supp)
..............................Never Give Up (S516b in Supp)
..............................Maxine On Elections (S515c in Supp)
..............................Four Presidents Visit Oz (S492 in Supp)
..............................Portrait Of John Ashcroft (S480c in Supp)
..............................Ronald Reagan's One-Liners (S478b in Supp)
..............................Hunt With Dick Cheney Sign (S474 in Supp)
..............................
..............................Six Presidents On A Sinking Ship (S407)
..............................Electoral Vote Predictor (S404)
..............................Reagan's Last One-Liner (S455)
..............................Politician At News Conference (402b)
..............................Over Qualified - GIF (S434)
..............................Tiger Woods To Resign Over Rule Change (S199)
..............................Presidential Candidates Agree (S199)
..............................Mark Twain Quotations
...................................Thomas Edison Quote (S879)
...................................Pickles Comic Strip (S835)
...................................Tom Sawyer Whitewashing A Fence - Painting (S894)
...................................Young Samuel Langhorne Clemens - Photo (S899)
..............................New Republican Emblem (S337b)
..............................Doonesbury on Senator Kerry (S367)
..............................Hmmm....Coincidence??? (S169)
..............................Al Gore's Speech (S165)
..............................Short Political Jokes (S253)
..............................Jimmy Carter's Pain (S252b)
..............................The Palm Beach Pokey (S199)
..............................Quote Of The Year (S181)
..............................Impeached Presidents (S109)
..............................Dressed As Abe Lincoln (DU)

=============================================================Top
Subj:     Donald Trump And Ben Carson (S979d)
          From: The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/ODlo1ifNwbI
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.......Click 'HERE' to see this great Tonight Show skit.
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Top
Subj:     Bus Load Of Politicians Crashes (S220b)
          From: ICohen on 4/17/2001

 A group of politicians was traveling by bus across the country
 to campaign for one of their own. The bus driver dozed off and
 lost control of the bus.  It ran off the highway, rolled over
 twice, wrapped around a huge oak tree and burst into flames.

 A trucker happened upon the terrible scene.  He looked the
 situation over, walked back to his truck and got a shovel and
 began burying the politicians right on the spot.

 Soon a highway patrolman arrived at the crash scene along
 with five ambulances and other emergency equipment.  The
 officer saw the trucker standing off to the side of the
 accident, resting on his shovel.  The trucker said, "Officer,
 I could tell by the banners and stuff that this was a bus
 load of politicians.  So I went ahead and buried them.

 The highway patrolman nodded and then said, "So, they were
 all dead, right?"

 The trucker smiled and said, "Oh, some of them said they
 weren't dead.  But you know how politicians lie."

Top
Subj:     Clinton, Gore, And Bush Died (S206)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 1/5/2001

 Crossing The River Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush
 died and found themselves standing on the other side of the
 Jordan River, looking across at the  promised land.  The
 Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shoute
 over  to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you
 have been  taught, each of you will have to wade across the
 Jordan River."  As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he
 reassured them by saying,  "Don't worry.  You will sink only
 proportionally according to your sins on earth.  The more you
 have sinned the more you will sink into the water."  The
 three American sages of political lore looked at one another,
 trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross
 the Jordan River.

 Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began
 to wade  out into the river, and slowly the water began to get
 higher and higher, reaching to his waist.  George began to
 sweat, thinking that all of his sins were coming back to haunt
 him.  He was  beginning to wonder if he would ever see the
 other side.  Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he
 began to emerge on the river's bank.

 As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see
 which one of the other brave souls was going next.  A shock of
 surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in
 the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching
 the water.  He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore,
 Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more
 than that!"  Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore
 shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

Top
Subj:    Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S613)
.........By Wiley Miller on 10/6/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2008/10/06
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Top
Subj:     Ghosts of Christmas Pres(id)ent (S202, S456)
          From: ICohen on 12/15/2000

 Gov. George W. Bush thought it would be a good idea if he
 could get the feel of the White House so he called upon
 Clinton to get him an invitation to stay there a few nights.
 Since Clinton thought it wouldn't be a good idea to turn
 him down, he invited him to the White House for the visit.

 On the first night he was awakened by George Washington's
 ghost... "George..what is the best thing I could do to help
 the country"? Bush asked.

 "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised
 Washington.

 With all the excitement of the White House Bush couldn't
 sleep well and the next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson
 moved through the dark bedroom.  "Tom what is the best thing
 I could do to help the country"? Bush asked.  "Cut taxes and
 reduce the size of the government", advised Jefferson.

 Bush still couldn't sleep well and the next night he saw
 another figure moving in the shadows.  It was Abraham Lincoln's
 ghost.  "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the
 country"?, Bush asked.  Abe replied, "Go to the theater"!

Top
Subj:     Proposed Bush Inaugural Address Song (S201)
          From: pns on 12/7/2000

 (to the tune of "What a Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke)

 Don't know much about history
 Don't know much foreign policy
 Don't remember how I got through school
 I'm sure I didn't break the rules
 But what's it matter 'cause my granny says
 "Boy, if you want to you can be the prez
 And what a wonderful world this will be".

 Don't know much about the women's vote
 Don't know much about the bill I wrote
 Don't know much about the foreign vets
 I've never voted for 'em yet
 But I do know if your dad tries hard
 He can get you in the National Guard
 And what a wonderful place that can be.

 Now I never claimed to be an A student
 But what's wrong with C's?
 And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet
 I can win their love for me
 Don't know much about air pollution
 Don't know much about the constitution
 Don't know much about th'economy
 It never much affected me
 But there's one thing that I know for sure
 If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
 What a wonderful world this will be.

 Don't know much about the national debt
 I've never had to pay one yet
 If we need to we can sell the States
 To the Japanese at discount rates
 But I do know if things get bad
 Dick and I can always call my dad
 And what a wonderful world this will be.

Top
Subj:     It's A Jungle Out There (S408b)
          Paintings by Taiwo Odunsi
          From: Anonymous Junior 11/12/04
 Source: (Removed from taiwoinc.com/portfolio_page)
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Top
Subj:     Presidential Campaign (S195)
..........From: gsm on 10/25/2000

 Please join us in supporting the Republican National Committee's
 nomination of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney as candidates for
 President and Vice President of the United States.  From this
 day forward, all our efforts will be focused on the "Bush and
 Dick" campaign.

 Joining our campaign as national spokespersons are Ellen
 Degeneris who said publicly, "I like Bush," and Elton John who
 said publicly, "I like Dick."  Also supporting the cause is
 Angelina Jolie who said publicly, "I like both Bush and Dick."

 If you wish to see a lot of Bush and Dick, please be sure to
 register to vote in the elections in November.

 For those of you who prefer Gore, the following bumper stickers
 are available: "Lick Bush in 2000."

Top
Subj:     Al Gore Parks In The Snow (S171)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/11/00

 Al and Tipper Gore were sitting down to their usual cup of
 morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over
 the radio.  "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and
 a snow emergency has been declared.  You must park your cars
 on the odd numbered side of the streets." Al got up from his
 coffee and said, "Well, okay."

 Two days later, they were again sitting down with their cups
 of morning coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will
 be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been
 declared.  You must park your cars on the even numbered side
 of the streets."  Al got up from his coffee and said, "Well,
 okay."

 Three days later, they were drinking their coffee and the
 weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow
 today and a snow emergency has been declared.  You must park
 your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Al didn't
 get the rest of the instructions. He said to Tipper, "What am
 I going to do now, Tipper?"  Tipper replied, "Oh, Al, just leave
 the car in the garage."

Top
Subj:     Quotations From Various Politicians
          From: ossama on 98-05-18 (210,cf,md4,3)
Drawing from WotALaugh.com...

 The file, Political2, has grown too big.  The Quotes From
 Various Politicians was been seperated into it's own file.
 Click 'HERE' to view it.

Top
Subj:     Quotations About Politicians (S826)
          From: tom on 11/11/2012 and 8/24/2013
Drawing from HeartAndPen.com
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.(See "Reflections of Great Minds on Government" in Political1)
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 Pearls of wisdom...

 We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones
 to public office. -- Aesop, Greek slave  fable author

 Those who are too smart to engage in politics are
 punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
    -- Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

 Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to
 build a bridge even where there is no river.
   -- Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

 When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become
 President; I'm beginning to believe it. --Quoted in
   'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.

 Politicians are people who, when they see light at the
 end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
   -- John Quinton, American actor/writer

 Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the
 poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising
 to protect each from the other. -- Oscar Ameringer,
   "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."

 I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies
 about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".
   -- Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

  A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for
 his country. -- Tex Guinan, 19th century American businessman

 I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious
 a matter to be left to the politicians.
   -- Charles de Gaulle, French general ? politician

 Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city,
 it might be better to change the locks. -- Doug Larson
   (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals
    at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

 If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
   -- Jay Leno, The Tonight Show on NBC

 The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
   -- Henry Cate, VII, King of England and Lord of Ireland
      from his seizing the crown on 22 August 1485

 Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics
 and your opponents will do it for you. -- Author Unknown

 I am reminded of a joke:
 Q: What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
 A: That's pollution.

 Q: What happens if all of them drown?
 A: That's solution.

Top
Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon (S1006)
          By Wiley Miller on 4/20/2016
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2016/04/20
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Subj:     Short Political Jokes
 

Top
Subj:     Six Presidents On A Sinking Ship (S407)
          From: DoctorDebt on 11/4/2004
 FORD: "What do we do?"
 BUSH: "Man the lifeboats!"
 REAGAN: "What lifeboats?"
 CARTER: "Women first!"
 NIXON: "Screw the women!"
 CLINTON: "You think we have time?"
 
 

Top
Subj:     Electoral Vote Predictor (S404)
          From: jimmysu on 10/29/2004
 Source: http://www.electoral-vote.com/index.html
 Jimmy came across a website about predicting the election.
 Click on the source to see the daily changes in the polls.
 
 

Top
Subj:     Reagan's Last One-Liner (S455)
          From: flovilla on 10/11/2005
 (See 'Ronald Reagan's One-Liners' in Political-Supp)

 To read Ronald Reagon's funny, last one-liner click 'HERE'.
 
 

Top
Subj:     Politician At News Conference (402b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 7/23/2004
 At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician
 running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly
 that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on
 this."

 "The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a
 big mouth."
 
 

Top
Subj:     Over Qualified - GIF (S434)
          From:  LABLaughsRiddles on 5/23/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 To view the animated GIF 'Over Qualified' click 'HERE'.
 
 

Top
Subj:     Tiger Woods To Resign Over Rule Change!!!!!!! (S199)
          From: TAdams on 11/22/2000
 There has been a rule change by the PGA, effective as of
 November 7th of this year.

 From now on, when a golfer tees off, and his ball doesn't go
 where he wants it to, instead of calling "FORE", he calls out
 "GORE".  He then may replace his ball on the tee, and try
 again.  He may continue to do this until he wins the hole.

 This rule was first tested at the South Florida Open, and the
 Palm Beach Country Club announced that the first hole only
 took seven days to play.
 

Top
Subj:     Presidential Candidates Agree (S199)
          From: Anaise on 11/19/2000
 The two major presidential candidates today agreed that
 Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in
 popular entertainment. However - they disagree on the details.

 The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is
 too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

 Vice-president Al Gore, his Democrat opponent, stated mean-
 while that the media present Americans with too much sex and
 frontal nudity.

 In other words, Bush says there is too much gore, and Gore
 says there is too much bush.
 

Top
Subj:     Mark Twain Quotations (48 jokes, 12899,7,cf,md4w,2d) 

 I have gathered so many quotes by Mark Twain that

 they now fill their own web page.  Click 'HERE' to view.
 
 

Top
Subj:     New Republican Emblem (S337b)
          From: auntiegah on 7/7/2003
 New Republican Emblem - THE CONDOM

 The White House announced today that it is changing its
 emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the
 Republican Party's stance. A condom accepts inflation,
 halts production, destroys the next generation, protects
 a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while
 you're actually getting screwed.
 

Top
Subj:     Doonesbury on Senator Kerry (S367)
          By Garry Trudeau on 02/05/04
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/doonesbury/2004/02/05
.

 

Top
Subj:     Hmmm....Coincidence??? (S169)
          From: JCary on 4/21/00
 Here's something interesting for your consideration.

 On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five
 aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside
 Roswell NM, an incident they say has been covered up by
 the military.

 On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al
 Gore was born.
 

Top
Subj:     Al Gore's Speech (S165)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 3/26/2000
 At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh
 criticism of being "lifeless as a statue."

 "That is absurd," Gore stoically stated.  "When elected, the
 people of America will see just how passionate and alive I
 truly am."

 Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper,
 "Honey, you have a pigeon on your head."
 

Subj:.....My Wife Rose Is Running For School Board
..........Being the nerd that I am,
..........Click 'HERE' to see her first campaign sign.

 

Top
Subj:     Short Political Jokes (S253)
          From: pns on 12/4/2001
 "Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin
 Laden?' I said, 'I don't know, let's find out.'" -Don Imus

 "CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail.  As usual,
 we're number three." -David Letterman

 "President Bush continues to have the highest popularity
 rating of any president ever, current rating 130 percent...
 In fact, Al Gore carries in his wallet a picture of him and
 Bush at the debates and says, 'Yeah, I know him. We used to
 hang out.'" -Jay Leno

 "Today President Bush urged all Americans to be patient
 with the war on terrorism.  I think we're pretty patient.
 Election day took what, three months?" -Jay Leno

 "New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is lobbying now to stay in
 office another three months.  And today Clinton said, 'You
 can do that?'" -Jay Leno

 "Today in New York, we had the primary elections for mayor.
 To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their
 name to Rudy Giuliani." -Conan O'Brien

 "People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the
 airport, but let's be honest.  If you first name is
 Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little
 extra time." -Jay Leno

 "Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only
 unsafe if you were an intern." -David Letterman

 "The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan
 once the Taliban is defeated.  I was thinking, how about Al
 Gore?  He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's
 already got the beard." -Jay Leno

 "The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and
 said bin Laden has 42 children.  That's going to happen
 when you sleep in a different cave every night." -Jay Leno

 "Security here in New York City is still very tight.
 Hookers in Time Square now are demanding two forms of fake
 ID." -David Letterman

 "Now this really annoys me; all these people getting on the
 Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this.  If
 Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo
 and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -Jay Leno

 "People are being much, much nicer to each other in New
 York.  And I have to be honest, it's kind of weird.  The
 other night at Shea Stadium, instead of yelling 'You suck!'
 at the Braves, Mets fans were yelling, 'Others are better
 than you!'" -Conan O'Brien

 "This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I
 have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith.  We send
 her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a
 week." -Jay Leno
 

Top
Subj:     Jimmy Carter's Pain (S252b)
          From: jerry on 11/29/2001
 In the end, Egypt was a big relief for Carter

 In Jimmy Carter's new book, "Christmas in Plains," the former
 President tells a story of great suffering during the Mideast
 peace process endured by him while negotiating with Egyptian
 President Anwar Sadat.  He had a bad hemorrhoid episode.

 He says that upon learning of his situation, Sadat asked his
 nation to pray for an end to Carter's torment (would you want the
 entire Egyptian nation to know your hemorrhoids were hurting?)
 and "miraculously ... the day after Christmas, for the first time
 in weeks, all the pain and discomfort went away."

 "I never received a better Christmas gift."

 Michael Kesterton's column in the Globe and Mail (Toronto)
 

Top
Subj:     The Palm Beach Pokey (S199)
          From: WSelwa on 11/22/2000
 You put your stylus in,
 You put your stylus out,
 You put your stylus in,
 And you punch Buchanan out.
 You do the Palm Beach Pokey
 And you turn the count around,
 That's what it's all about!

 You put the Gore votes in,
 You put the Bush votes out,
 You put the Gore votes in,
 And you do another count.
 You do the Palm Beach Pokey
 And you turn the count around,
 That's what it's all about!

 You bring your lawyers in,
 You drag the whole thing out,
 You bring your lawyers in,
 And you put it all in doubt.
 You do the Palm Beach Pokey
 And you turn the count around,
 That's what it's all about!

 You let your doctors spin,
 You let the pundits spout,
 You let your retirees sue,
 And your people whine and pout.
 You do the Palm Beach Pokey
 And you turn the count around,
 That's what it's all about!

 You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
 You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
 You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
 That's what it's all about!
 

Top
Subj:     Quote Of The Year (S181)
          From: mbucher on 7/15/00
 The undisputed quote of the year:

 Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by
 Dick Armey,R-Texas, who when asked if he were in the
 President's place, would he resign, responded, "If I were
 in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign.
 I would be lying in a pool of my own blood, hearing Mrs. Armey
 standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damn thing?'"
 

Top
Subj:     Impeached Presidents (S109)
          From: Tom_Adams on 99-03-01
 The only three US presidents who ever had to deal with real
 or impending impeachment -- Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon
 and Bill Clinton -- all have names that are euphemisms for
 "penis" -- Johnson, Dick and Willie.  Who says it isn't
 about sex?
 

Top
Subj:     Dressed As Abe Lincoln (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #32 on 98-02-02
 An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a
 phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.  As the
 bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?"

 "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed
 as my love life."

 "But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

 "That's right.  My last four scores were seven years ago."
 

 Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for
 Profiles in Courage

From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
 Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till
 you can find a rock.

 Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #100 on 98-04-22
 IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the
 opposite of PROGRESS?

From: humorlist-digest V2 #112 on 98-05-07
 The best things about Ronald Reagan's presidency
 is that we won't have to be bothered with his memoirs.

From: TAdams on 3/21/2001 (S216)
 "An optimist is someone who, when he finds a pile of manure
 under the Christmas tree, exclaims, "I'm getting a pony!"
   -- Ronald Reagan

From: LABLaughsClean on 3/6/2006 (S477b)
 "Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are
  many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write
  a book."  -- Ronald Reagan

From: LABLaughsClean on 6/4/2006 (S489b)
 "If you''ve seen one Redwood tree, you''ve seen them all!
    -- Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
 To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise
 above your principles.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #118 on 98-05-13
 The aging process could be slowed down if
 it had to work its way through Congress.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #252 on 98-06-06
 One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics
 is you end up being governed by your inferiors.  -- Plato

From: ossama on 98-08-12
and From: auntiegah@yahoo.com on 4/13/2003 (S324b)
 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
 They both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #258 on 98-10-27
 "Main's Law"
  For every action there is an equal and opposite
  government program.

From: ossama on 98-10-29 (S92)
 Ben and Jerry's has come up with a new flavor of ice cream
 sure to please Republicans. It's called Im-Peach-Mint

 The Department of Health is calling for a cleanup of U.S.
 cities, saying there are twice as many rats as people living
 in Washington D.C.  That's because we keep sending our
 garbage there.

From: auntieg on 98-12-09
 There are a lot of things we do that are irrelevant, but
 that's what the Senate is for.  -- Sen. Alan Simpson, R-Wyo.

From: humorlist-digest V3 #13 on 99-01-15 (S103)
 In a Pennsylvania parking lot, a recently-spotted
 Republican bumper sticker: "Al Gore in 1999."

From: ossama on 99-02-25
 Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.

From: pns on 3/30/2001 (S218)
 I don't approve of political jokes...
 I've seen too many of them get elected.

From: KMACINTY on 12/6/2000 (S201)
 Q: What is the difference between Al Gore and
    a litter of puppies?
 A: After a few weeks the puppies open their eyes and
    quit whining.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/12/2001 (S229)
 "I looked up 'politics' in the dictionary, and it's actually
  a combination of two words; 'poli', which means many, and
  'tics', which means 'bloodsuckers.' "  --Jay Leno

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/20/2002 (S294b)
 Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president,
 and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
   -- Johnny Carson

From: TAdams on 7/6/2001 (S232)
 "People ask me what they should read in order to keep up
 with everything going on in Washington.  I tell them I
 read the New York Times and my Bible every day so that I
 know what each side is doing," says Mr. Thomas, the
 nation's most widely syndicated columnist. (Cal Thomas)

From: LABLaughs.com on 2/9/2002 (S262)
 Too many people don't care what happens so long as it
 doesn't happen to them.  -- William Howard Taft

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/11/2002 (S263)
 "The nice thing about being a celebrity is that
  if you bore people they think it's their fault."
    -- Henry Kissinger

From: mjsl on 3/15/2002 (S268c)
 If con is the opposite of pro,
 is Congress the opposite of progress?

From: LABLaughs.com on 3/25/2002 (S269c)
 "Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions -
  it only guarantees equality of opportunity."
    -- Irving Kristol

From: TAdams on 11/16/2000 (S198)
 "The people who vote decide nothing.  The people who count
  the vote decide everything."  -- Josef Stalin.
  (posthumous advisor to a certain un-named campaign)

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/8/2002 (S271c)
 In democracy it's your vote that counts.
 In feudalism it's your count that votes.

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/8/2003 (S322)
 How come we choose from just two people to run
 for President, and 50 for Miss America?

From: DafterLafter on 6/27/2004 (S404b)
 Integrity is like oxygen - the higher you climb,
 the less there is of it.

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..........................From Smiley_Central
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