Subj: Ship Jokes
(Includes 52 jokes and articles, 24680a,23)
Sailing Ship from
Animated Cliparts
| >>>
Subj: Ship Jokes (Includes 52 jokes and articles, 24680a,23) |
|
Sailing Ship from Animated Cliparts |
Also see ACCIDENTS1 - 'Falling
Cow'
BAR-SUPP file- 'Old
Lady At A Cruise Ship Bar'
BIRD-PARROTS - 'Magician
And The Parrot'
CLINTON-SCAN2- 'Buying
Titanic Or My Life'
DRINKING file- 'Older
Lady Has Drink On Ship'
DRINKINGBEER1- 'Two
Guys In Life Boat Find Genie'
FACTS4 file - 'Boeing
Employees Go Rafting'
FISHING1 file- 'Twin
Brothers Each Have A Loss'
HEAVEN2 file - 'Teacher,
Garbageman, And Lawyer Go To Heaven'
JEWISH1 file - 'A
Rabbi And A Korean On A Plane'
CHURCH file - 'All
I Need, I Learned From Noah's Ark'
OTHER ANIMALS- 'Two
Whales And A Fishing Boat'
POLITICAL2 - 'Six
Presidents On A Sinking Ship'
PRIEST3 file - 'Rabbi,
lawyer, ? Priest On A Ship'
QUOTES-CMD-SP- 'Crazy
World by Chris Rock'
SHIT file - 'Interesting
Word Origin'
STRANDED - (See whole
file)
============================================================Top
 |
Subj:
The Front Fell Off (S672 in Australian)
From: tom on 11/25/2009 |
On 21 July 1991, the Greek
tanker Kirki lost its bow off
the coast of Western Australia
(WA). During the incident
and the subsequent tow of the
tanker to a safe haven
some 17,280 tons of light crude
was lost.
This video is a a comedy sketch
from the early 1990s.
John
Clarke and Brian Dawe pretend
to be Senator
Collins, a member of the Australian
Parliament, and
an interviewer for Australian
television in which they
discuss this accident.
Click on the above source, or
'HERE'
for my copy, to
see this cute comedy skit.
\\\//
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Subj: An Alternative
Retirement Home (S409b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/17/2004
(Also see 'Nursing
Home Alternative' in HOTEL)
There will be no nursing home in my future........
When I get old and feeble, I
am going to get on a Princess
Cruise Ship. The average
cost for a nursing home is $200
per day. I have checked
on reservations at Princess and I
can get a long term discount
and senior discount price of
$135 per day. That leaves
$65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many
as 10 meals a day if I can waddle
to the
restaurant, or I can have room service ( which
means I can
have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many
as three swimming pools, a workout
room, free
washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste
and razors, and free soap and
shampoo.
5. They will even treat
you like a customer, not a patient.
An extra
$5 worth of tips will have the entire staff
scrambling
to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light
bulb need changing? Need to have
the mattress
replaced? No Problem! They will fix
everything
and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels
every day, and you don't even
have to ask
for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing
home and break a hip you
are on Medicare.
If you fall and break a hip on the
Princess
ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the
rest of your
life.
Now hold on for the best!
Do you want to see South America,
the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia,
New Zealand, Asia, or
name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready
to go. So don't look for
me in a nursing home, just call
shore to ship.
P.S. And don't forget,
when you die, they just dump
you over the side at no charge.
Thanks Sherry
\\\//
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| Subj:
Boat-Car (S537c)
From: FunPike.com on 4/6/2007 |
 |
You can view this beautuful boat-car
in a 2,00 KB movie at
the source above, or on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Why
A Ship Is Called "SHE" (S495b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 7/19/2006
A ship is called "she" because
there is always a great deal
of bustle about her; there is
usually a gang of men about',
she has a waist and stays; it
takes a lot of paint to keep
her looking good; it is
not the initial expense that breaks
you, it is the upkeep;
she can be all decked out; it
takes an experienced man to
handle her correctly, and
without a man at the helm, she
is absolutely uncontrollable.
She shows her topsides, hides
her bottom and, when coming
into port, always heads for
the buoys.
\\\//
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Subj:
Knowing When To Drop Anchor (S910c)
From: tom on 9/6/2008 |
This short video is funny and
cute. Hopefully no one was
injured on the tug boat.
Click 'HERE' to view it.
\\\//
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Subj: John's
Boat (S347b)
From: kmacinty on 9/26/2003
Dave walks into a bar and sees
John sitting at the end of
the bar counter with a great
big smile on his face. Dave
says, "John, what are you so
happy for?"
Well Dave, I gotta tell ya...
Yesterday I was out waxin' my
boat, just waxin my boat, and
a redhead came up to me...
boobies out to here, Dave.
Boobies out to here!" "She says,
'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have
a ride in my boat.' So
I took her way out, Dave. I turned
off the key and I said It's
either screw or swim!' She
couldn't swim, Dave. She
couldn't swim!
The next day Dave walks into
a bar and sees John sitting at
the end of the bar counter with
a bigger smile on his face.
Dave says, "What are you happy
about today John?"
"Well Dave I gotta tell ya...
Yesterday I was out waxin' my
boat, just waxin' my boat and
a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to
me...boobies out to here, Dave.
Boobies out to here! She
said 'Can I have a ride in your
boat?' I told her 'Sure
you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out,
Dave. Way out much further
than the last one. I turned
off the key and I said, 'It's
either screw or swim!' She
couldn't swim, Dave! She
couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks
into a bar and sees John
down there cryin' over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are
you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya....
Yesterday I was out waxin'
my boat, just waxin' my boat,
and the most desirable
brunette came up to me...boobies
WAY out to here, Dave.
Boobies WAY out to here.
I had more wood than my boat
does. She says, 'Can I have
a ride in your boat?' So I
said, 'Sure you can have a ride
in my boat.' So I took
her way out, Dave, way WAY out...
much further than the
last two. I turned off the key,
and looked at her boobies
and said It's either screw or
swim!'"
"She pulled down her pants and.....
She had a dick, Dave!
She had this great BIG fucking
dick!........ and I can't
swim Dave! I can't fucking
swim man!!!!!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Ships
Play Chicken (S24, S526)
From: gheckman on 11/10/2003
and
From: drgolfmd on 2/20/2007
Actual radio conversation released
by the Chief of Naval
Operations, 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your
course 15 degrees to the
north to avoid a collision with us.
Canadians: Recommend you divert
your course 15 degrees
to south to avoid a collision with us.
Americans: This is the captain
of a US Navy ship. I say
again, divert your course.
Canadians: No, I say again,
you divert your course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT
CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE
ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT
YOUR COURSE NOW!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse.
Your call.
The above story is a Urban Legend
as reported at
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm
\\\//
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| Subj:
USS Montana (S590)
From: gordonschuk on 5/2/2008 |
 |
This movie is an old classic
joke redone as a short movie.
To see it on my web site, click
'HERE'.
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Subj: Blonde
Boater (S145)
From: Anaise on 11/09/1999
Blonde story to end all blonde
stories! A True Story....
if she had killed herself --
God forbid -- she'd be a
shoe-in for the Darwin Award.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella,
located in the high desert,
an hour east of Bakersfield,
California, a blonde (of course!!),
new to boating was having a
problem. No matter how hard she
tried, she just couldn't get
her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to
perform. It wouldn't get
on a plane at all, and it was very
sluggish in almost every maneuver,
no matter how much power she
applied.
After about an hour of trying
to make it go, she putt-putted
over to a nearby marina.
Maybe they could tell her what was
wrong. A thorough topside
check revealed everything was in
perfect working order.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went
up and down, the prop was the
correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped
in the water to check
underneath. He came up
choking on water, he was laughing so
hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.
\\\//
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Subj: Storing
Cannon Balls (S274c)
From: RFSlick on 1/23/2002
In the heyday of sailing ships,
all war ships and many
freighters carried iron cannons.
Those cannon fired
round iron cannon balls.
It was necessary to keep a good
supply near the cannon, but
prevent them from rolling
about the deck. The best
storage method devised was a
square based pyramid with one
ball on top, resting on
four resting on nine, which
rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of thirty cannon
balls could be stacked
in a small area right next to
the cannon. There was
only one problem - how to prevent
the bottom layer from
sliding/rolling from under the
others? The solution
was a metal plate called a,
"Monkey," with sixteen
round indentations. If
this plate was made of iron,
the iron balls would quickly
rust to it.
The solution to the rusting problem
was to make, "Brass
Monkeys." Few landlubbers
realize that brass contracts
much more and much faster than
iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature
dropped too far, the
brass indentations would shrink
so much that the cannon
balls would roll right off the
monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally,
"Cold enough to freeze the
balls off a brass monkey!" (And
all this time, you have
had dirty thoughts, haven't
you?) - - -
This is a good story, but it
is an urban legend as verified
at http://www.snopes.com/language/stories/brass.asp
\\\//
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(S642b)
by John Graziano From: Comics.com on 4/24/2009 |
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Subj: What's
Love (S135, S516c)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 8/26/99
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/1/2006
Two friends are discussing the
possibility of love. "I thought
I was in love three times,"
one friend says.
"How so?" his friend asks.
"Five years ago I deeply cared
for a woman who wanted nothing
to do with me."
"Was that not love?" his friend asks.
"No," he replies. "That
was obsession. And then two years ago
I deeply cared for an attractive
woman who didn't understand me."
"Was that not love?"
"No," he replies. "That was lust.
And just last year I met a
woman aboard a cruise ship to
the Caribbean. She was smart,
funny, and a great conversationalist.
And everywhere I followed
her on that boat, I would get
this strange sensation in the pit
of my stomach."
"Was that not love?" his friend asks.
"No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."
\\\//
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Subj: Japanese
American Boat Race (S115)
From: RFSlick on 4/7/99
The Americans and the Japanese
decided to engage in a com-
petitive boat race. Both
teams practiced hard and long to
reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready.
The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team
was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason
for the crushing defeat had
to be found, so a consulting
firm was hired to investigate
the problem and recommended
corrective action.
The consultant's finding:
The Japanese team had eight people
rowing and one person steering;
the American team had one
person rowing and eight people
steering.
After a year of study and millions
spent analyzing the
problem, the consultant firm
concluded that too many people
were steering and not enough
were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the
following year, the American
team's management structure
was completely reorganized. The
new structure: four steering
managers, three area steering
managers and a new performance
review system for the person
rowing the boat to provide work
incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won
by two miles. Humiliated,
the American corporation laid
off the rower for poor
performance and gave the managers
a bonus for discovering
the problem...
\\\//
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Subj: Elderly
Lady w/Hat On Ship (S465b)
From: DoctorDebt on 12/20/2005
 |
An old lady
was standing at the railing of the
cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me,
|
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands to hold
onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that
you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back
up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down
there is 85 years old. I just
bought this hat yesterday!"
\\\//
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Subj: Woman
Stowaway On Ship (S231)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #30
and
From: pns on 6/30/2001
A depressed young woman from
a Manhattan finishing school was
so desperate that she decided
to end her life by throwing
herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a
handsome young sailor noticed
her tears, took pity on her,
and said, "Look, you've got
a lot to live for. I'm off to
Europe in the morning, and if
you like, I can stow you away
on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food
every day."
"Moving closer, he slipped his
arm around her shoulder and
added, "I'll keep you happy,
and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. What did
she have to lose? That night,
the sailor brought her aboard
and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he
brought her three sandwiches
and a piece of fruit, and they
made passionate love until
dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine
search, she was
discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" he
asked. "I had an arrangement
with one of the sailors," she
explained. "He's taking me
to Europe, and every night he
came and screwed me."
"He sure did, lady," said the
captain. "This is the Staten
Island Ferry."
\\\//
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(S632b)
by John Graziano From: Comics.com on 2/17/2009 |
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Subj: If Noah
Built The Ark Today.... (S374b, S610c)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-01
and
From: jcary on 9/17/2008
And the Lord spoke to Noah and
said: "In six months I'm
going to make it rain until
the whole earth is covered with
water and all the evil people
are destroyed. But I want to
save a few good people and two
of every kind of living thing
on the planet. I am ordering
you to build an Ark." In a
flash of lightning He delivered
the specifications for an
Ark. "Okay", said Noah,
trembling in fear and fumbling with
the blueprints. "Six months
and it starts to rain," thundered
the Lord. "You'd better
have the Ark completed, or learn how
to swim for a very long time!"
And six months passed.
The skies began to cloud up and
rain began to fall. The Lord
saw that Noah was sitting in
his front yard, weeping. There
was no Ark. "Noah," shouted
the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A
lightning bolt crashed to the
ground next to Noah. "Lord,
please forgive me!" begged Noah.
"I did my best. But there
were big problems. First
I had to get a building permit for
the Ark construction project
and your plans did not meet code.
So I had to hire an engineer
to redraw the plans. Then I got
into a big fight over whether
or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system. My neighbors
objected, claiming I was
violating zoning by building
the Ark in my front yard, so I
had to get a variance from the
city planning commission. Then
I had a big problem getting
enough wood for the Ark because
there was a ban on cutting trees
to save the spotted owls.
But they would not let me catch
any owls. So no owls. The
carpenters formed a union and
went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with
the National Labor Relations
Board before anyone would pick
up a hammer or saw. Now we
have 16 carpenters going on
the boat, and still no owls. I
started gathering up animals,
and got sued by an animal
rights group. They objected
to me taking only two of each
kind. Just when I got
the suit dismissed, EPA notified me
that I couldn't complete the
Ark without filing an environ-
mental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't
take kindly to the idea that
they had no jurisdictions over
the conduct of a Supreme Being.
The Army Corps of Engineers
wanted a map of the proposed
new flood plain. I sent them a
globe. Right now I am
still trying to resolve a complaint
over how many Croatians I'm
supposed to hire, the IRS has
seized all my assets claiming
I'm trying to avoid paying
taxes by leaving the country,
and I just got a notice from
the State about owing some kind
of use tax. I don't think
I can finish your Ark for another
five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear.
The sun began to shine. A rainbow
arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You
mean you're not going to destroy
the earth?" Noah asked
hopefully. "Wrong! thundered
the Lord. But being Lord of
the Universe has its advantages.
I fully intend to smite
the Earth, but with something
far worse than a flood. Some-
thing man invented himself."
"What is that?" asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and
then the Lord spoketh His Last
Word: "Government."
\\\//
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Subj:
A New Kind Of Truck (S680 in Cars-Supp2)
From: allenbergman on 1/24/2010 (See 'Boat-Car' in SHIPS) |
My wife saw this video and said
she wanted one.
Click 'HERE'
to see this way cool video.
\\\//
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Subj: Elderly
Couple On A Cruise Ship (S216)
From: mbucher on 3/17/2001
(Also see 'Wife
Dies While Scuba Diving' in FISHING2)
An elderly couple was on a stormy
cruise. They were standing
on the back of the boat watching
the moon, when a wave came
up and washed the old woman
overboard. The ship searched for
days and couldn't find her.
The captain sent the old man
back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as
soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally
the old man got a fax from
the boat. It read: Sir,
sorry to inform you, we found your
wife dead at the bottom of the
ocean. We hauled her up to
the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster. Inside the
oyster was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise.
The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Ship Jokes
 |
Subj:
The New America's Cup Boats - BOR90 (S667)
From: lubin100 on 10/14/2009 Photo from Wikipedia |
Click 'HERE'
to see these twelve photos of BOR90. This is
a the beautiful racing machine.
| Subj:
The Sea, Ships And Lighthouses (S661b)
From: darrellvip on 9/9/2009 |
 |
 |
Subj:
USS Independence, LCS-2 (S659b)
From: tom on 8/29/2009 Photo from en.wikipedia.org |
| Subj:
Japan's Submersible I-400
Aircraft Carrier (S625c) From: rfslick on 1/2/2009 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Worlds Biggest Combustion Engine (S614c)
From: darrellvip on 10/13/2008 |
| Subj:
Replica of Noah's Ark (S610b)
From: ginafm on 9/17/2008 Photo from
Flickr.com...
|
 |
Top
Subj: Bad
Musician On A Cruse Ship (S337b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/7/2003
A musician who joined an orchestra
on a cruise ship was
having difficulty keeping time
with the rest of the band.
Finally, the captain said, "Either
you learn to keep time
or I'll throw you overboard.
. . . It's up to you, sync or
swim."
 |
Subj:
Famous 1780 Warship Found (S595)
By WILLIAM KATES,AP From: ALO News on 6/14/2008 |
| Subj:
Emma M?rsk, A Container Ship (S598)
From: tom on 7/1/2008 |
 |
Top
Subj: A Titanic
Celebration... (S130, S484c)
From: RWTmpkns on 7/24/99
and
From: jtgalvan on 5/3/2006
There are many stories related
to the sinking of the
"Titanic." Some have just
come to light due to the
success of the recent movie.
For example, most people
don't know that back in 1912
Hellman's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England.
The "Titanic" was carrying
12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery
in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was
to be the next port of
call for the great ship after
New York City. The Mexican
people were eagerly awaiting
delivery and were disconsolate
at the loss. So much so
that they declared a national
day of mourning which they still
observe today. It is
known, of course, as Sinko de
Mayo.
 |
Subj:
Mystery Boat (S512)
From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2006 |
Top
Subj: New
Boat Paint
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 7/22/01
At: http://members.nbci.com/ipkis/scott.htm
The U. S. Navy is testing a
boat paint, developed by
Pittsburgh inventor Ken Fischer,
that combines cayenne
pepper oil (so hot it will blister
fingers) with epoxy-
based paint to give barnacles
such pain that they will
not attach to the bows of ships.
[Independence Examiner-AP, 5-4-93]
(283)
| Subj:
USS New York (S500c)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/14/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: Battleships
On Line (S308b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/22/2002
Play Battleships on line against the
computer at
http://www.ezines4all.com/games/battleships/battleships.htm
 |
Subj:
The Tugboat Vs The Bridge (S485b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 5/3/2006 |
Top
Subj: Sailing
Wind Poem (S353b)
..........From:
LABLaughs.com on 11/5/2003
One ship drives east and another
drives west
With the selfsame winds that
blow.
'Tis the set of sails and not
the gales
Which tells us the way to go.
| Subj:
Battleships (S467 in Games-Supp)
From: PrimaryGames.com on 12/29/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
How Not To Dock Your Boat (S456)
From: darrell94590 on 10/14/2005 Source: http://www.airmunn.com/oops.htm |
| Subj:
Iceberg From Top To Bottom (S436b)
From: darrell94590 on 5/31/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: BC Comics
on Naval Battles (S379)
From: Creators.com - Creators Syndicate on May 2,2004
At: http://www.creators.com/comics_show.cfm?comicname=bc
The Boston University Bridge
(on Commonwealth Avenue,
Boston, Massachusetts) is the
only place in the world
where a boat can sail under
a train driving under a car
driving under an airplane.
Most boat owners name their boats.
What is
the most popular boat name requested?
Obsession
If your eyes are six feet above
the surface of the ocean,
the horizon will be about
three statute miles away.
From: grs on 98-04-05 (S325b)
and From: giggle@aol.com on 4/19/2003
Why is it that when you transport
something by car,
its called a shipment, but when
you transport
something by ship. its cargo?
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth
II, moves only six
inches for each gallon of diesel
that it burns.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #173 on 98-07-12
Changing lawyers is like moving
to a different deck chair
on the Titantic.
From: gheckman on 2/12/2002 (S264)
Remember: Amateurs built the
ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/25/2002 (S277b)
Every normal man must be tempted
at times to spit upon his
hands, hoist the black flag,
and begin slitting throats.
-- Henry Louis Mencken
(1880-1956)
From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 2/16/2007
(S526b)
"A ship is always referred to
as "she" because it costs so
much to keep one in paint and
powder." -- Chester Nimitz
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
Q: What lies at the bottom of
the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck!
From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
Q: What kind of coffee was served
on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.
Q: . . . and what kind of lettuce?
A: Iceberg.
Q: What lies at the bottom of
the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/21/2002 (S308b)
Q: What do you get when you
cross the Atlantic Ocean
with the Titanic?
A: Half way.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/23/2004
(S409b)
Q: How did the tugboat get AIDs?**
A: It was rear-ended by a ferry.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/30/2007 (S546b)
Q: What do you throw out when
you want to use it,
but take in when
you don't want to use it?
A: An anchor
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