Subj:     Train Jokes
                 (Includes 34 jokes and articles, 22 1010,15,cf,wYT2a,12)

          Click "Here" for Train-Supp

Small Train from
ARG! Cartoon Aimation Studio
Includes the following:  Team Work - Cartoon (S471c in Supp)
.........................Lego Train Goes Through Entire House (S1010 in Supp)
.........................The Frantics - Her First Period - Video (S760 in Supp)
.........................Non Sequitur Cartoon (S938 in Supp)
.........................Train Lay Its Own Track - Video (S895 in Supp)
.........................The Most Beautiful Train In The World - Video (S986)
.........................Bangkok Food Market: A Train Runs Through It - Video (S741)
.........................Two Ladies And Two Soldiers On A Train (S74, S871)
.........................Glide 2 - Video (S723)
.........................Soldier Needs Seat On Train (S554b)
.........................Miniature Wonderland: Largest Model Railway - Video (S719)
.........................Switchman Test For Train Yard (S405, S616c)
.........................Truck Vs Train - Video (S606b)
.........................The Bushes And Clintons Ride A Train (S395)
.........................Grand Central Station Freeze - Video (S581)
.........................Letters About Train Service (S562b)
.........................Cow On The Tracks (S734)
.........................Lucky Day At The Train Station - Video (S586b)
.........................Army-Navy Football Train (S467)
.........................Late For A Train (S385b)
.........................Railroad Crossing In North Dakota - Video (S638c)
.........................Wife Leaves By Train And Sister Arrives (S333b, S572)
.........................Couple Shares Sleeping Room On Train (S302, S509c)
.........................Tornado Vs A Train - Video (S653b)
.........................Applying To Be A Signalman On The Railroad (S178)
.........................Train Conductor Learns To Flip Coins (S159)
.........................Winter Train Ride... Enjoy! - PPS (S685)
.........................Elderly Father Rides Train In South (S85, S572b)
.........................Riding The Metro In China (S686b)
.........................Three Men And A Girl On A Train (S129, S470b)
.........................Man Hit By Train (S182)
.........................Short Train Jokes
..............................Italian Guy Lies Down on Train Tracks - Vid(S926-Sup)
..............................How To Avoid Getting Hit By A Train - Video (S754)
..............................How To Correctly "Hold On" In A Moving Train (S728)
..............................Amazing Railway Routes - PPS (S495, S585b)
..............................Heart Attack On A Train (S288b)
..............................Untieing A Lady On The Railroad Track (S659)
..............................Hiding In The Train Bathroom (S280b)
..............................Boy Sues Rail Authority (S247)

Also see AUSTRALIAN   - 'Cattle Trains In Australia' - Article/Video
         BIRD-CHICKEN - 'FAA Test'
         BLONDE1 file - 'Three Blondes In The Woods'
.........DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Struck In Head By Train'
         DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Hungarian Railroad Accident'
         ENGINEER1    - 'Engineers On A Train'
         FACTS2 file  - 'US Standard Railroad Gauge'
         FACTS3 file  - 'WGASA Bush Line'
......................- 'Tortoise Trophy:'
......................- 'British Cup:'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Pervert On Subway'
         GERMANY file - 'Train to Mannheim'
         HEAD-ADS-SUP2- 'Unlock the 007 in you. You have 70 seconds!' - Video
         KIDS1 file   - 'Boy Plays With Trains And Cusses'
         JEWISH-RABBI - 'Priest, Rabbi, Witchdoctor and A Fly'
......................- 'Priest And Rabbi On A Train'
         JOBS3 file   - 'Boss And Secretary On A Train'
         MATH4-SUPP2  - 'MATH PROB. - Train Bridge'
         MATH4C-SUPP  - 'Primitive Railroading Problem'
         NATIVEAMERICN- 'Two Indians And A Hillbilly'
         NEW YORKER   - 'New Yorkers Honeymoon On Train'
.........PHONE-SUPP   - 'Eric's Train Ride'
.........PRIEST3 file - 'Three Priests Buy Train Tickets'
         PROGRAMMER   - 'Programmer And Engineer Bet On Plane'
         PUSSY file   - 'Pussy Tricks On A Train'
         SCIENCE1 file- 'A Scientist And A Poet'
         SHIT file    - 'Atheist Talks To Little Girl On A Plane'
         TRUCK-BUS    - 'Road Train Trucks' - Article/Video

Subj:     The Most Beautiful Train In The World (S986d)
          From: Jon Pasco on Facebook on 12/5/2015
 Source: https://www.facebook.com/dbhansen2/videos/482928215211294/
.......Click 'HERE' to see the CP Xmas/Christmas Train.
Subj:     Bangkok Food Market:
.............A Train Runs Through It (S741d)
          From: Wimp.com on 3/28/2011
 Source: http://www.wimp.com/markettrain/

 Everyday, in a packed food market in a village outside
 Bangkok, a train runs through the market, requiring
 vendors to move their goods and stands.  They've got it
 down to an art.  Click 'HERE' to see this amazing video.

Subj:     Two Ladies and Two Soldiers On A Train (S74, S871)
          From: RFSlick on 98-06-29

 Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment
 of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

 One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old
 lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry.
 Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old
 who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion
 magazine.  Across from the older lady was a very mature
 looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated
 Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major
 sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

 As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted
 about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel,
 and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence,
 until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence;
 following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout
 the cabin.

 In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat
 quietly with their own thoughts.  The older lady was thinking,
 "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age
 there are still young women who have a little self-respect
 and dignity?"

 The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked
 herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind
 want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

 The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that
 any woman could ever think that a man in his position would
 try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

 And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking,
 "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can
 kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major
 in the face and get away with it!"

Subj:     Glide 2 (S723d)
          By Graeme Taylor
          From: Wimp.com on 11/26/2010
 Source1: http://straylight.co.uk/?p=120
 Source2: https://www.youtube.com/embed/m1xSa7gcYmU
 Source3: http://www.dump.com/2010/11/25/footage-from-high-speed-

 This video was made with a high speed camera on a high
 speed train going through a station on Saturday morning,
 and then playing the video in slow motion.  Click on
 'HERE' to see this very beautiful video.

Subj:     Soldier Needs Seat On Train (S554b)
          From: hellgunner50 on 8/27/2007

 The Paris-bound train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine
 walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only
 seat left was taken by a well dressed middle-aged French
 woman's poodle.

 The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I please have that

 The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in
 particular, "Americans are so rude.  My little Fifi is
 using that seat."

 The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat
 left was under that dog.  "Please, ma'am.  May I sit down?
 I'm very tired."

 She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also

 This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up
 the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

 The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour!  Put this
 American in his place!"

 An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you
 Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
 You hold the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your cars on
 the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you seem to have
 thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"

Subj:     Miniature Wonderland: 
             Largest Model Railway (S719d)
          From: Wimp.com on 10/28/2010
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/ACkmg3Y64_s

 This is a video of Miniatur Wunderland in Hamburg, Germany.
 It is the largest model railway in the world and one of
 the most successful permanent exhibitions in Germany.
 Click 'HERE' to see is amazing, model railroad.

Subj:     Switchman Test For Train Yard (S405, S616c)
          From:LABLaughsClean on 10/21/2004

 A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad,
 and undergoes weeks of training.  The supervisor then takes
 him into the switch booth to test his readiness.  The following
 exchange takes place:

 Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you
 learned there was a train coming from the North on that track,
 and another coming from the South on the same track.  What
 would you do?"

 Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on
 the other track."

 Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"

 Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever
 there, putting one train on the other track."

 Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"

 Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to
 stop both trains."

 Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"

 Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street
 and use their phone."

 Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"

 Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."

 Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"

 Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."

Subj:     Truck Vs Train (S606b in Truck)
          From: BoneheadOfTheDayAward on 8/17/2008
..........Source: (Removed from youtube.com)

 If you drive an 18-wheeler and you stop because the railroad
 gates just came down, do you
    1) wait for the train to pass?
    2) seek an alternative route,
 or 3) floor it hoping that at 1 MPH you'll make
      it over the track before the train comes?
 You can view this rather interesting 1 minute
 video by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     The Bushes And Clintons Ride A Train (S395)
          From: gheckman on 8/22/2004

 (Also see 'Engineers On A Train' in ENGINEER1)

 George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are
 traveling by train to the Super Bowl.  At the station,
 George and Laura each buy a ticket and watches Bill and
 Hilary buy just one ticket.

 "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
 asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.

 "Watch and learn," answers Hilary.

 They all board the train.  George and Laura take their
 respective seats but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet
 together and close the door.

 Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes
 around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the toilet door
 and says, "Ticket, please."

 The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with
 a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

 The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever
 idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan
 on the return trip.  When they get to the station they see
 the Clintons at the window buying a single ticket for the
 return trip.  To their astonishment, the Clintons see that
 the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all.

 "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without
 a ticket?" says Hilary.

 "Watch and learn," answers Laura Bush.

 When they board the train the Bushs cram themselves into a
 toilet and the Clintons cram into another toilet just down
 the way.

 Shortly after the train is on its way, George W. leaves
 their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the
 Clintons are hiding.  George W. knocks on their door and
 says, "Ticket, please."

 (And you're still  trying to figure out how the Democrats
 lost that election.)

Subj:     Grand Central Station Freeze (S581d)
          From: sfo_pilot on 3/7/2008
 Source: http://www.maniacworld.com/frozen-in-grand-central-station.html

 This is a prank on a "grand" scale.  Over 200 people gathered
 at Grand Central Station in New York to pull off a 'frozen in
 place' act.  The on-looking travelers who weren't part of the
 act were mystified as to what was going on.  You can view the
 video by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Letters About Train Service (S562b)
          From: edapsmas on 10/29/2007

 The following is an exchange of correspondence between a
 customer and the Irish Railway Company.

 I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years,
 and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every
 day.  I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a
 14-mile trip.  I think the transportation system is worse
 than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
 Yours truly,
 Patrick Finnegan


 Dear Mr. Finnegan,
 We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of
 our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your
 history.  The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was
 by foot.
 Larnrod Eireann, Irish Railway Co.


 I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones
 who are confused in your history.  If you will refer to the
 Bible, in the book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that
 Balaam rode to town on his ass.  That, gentlemen, is something
 I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
 Yours truly,
 Patrick Finnegan

Subj:     Cow On The Tracks (S734)
          From: ezines@arcamax.com on 1/26/2011

 A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.  Finally it
 creaks to a halt.  A passenger sees a conductor walking
 by outside.

 "What's going on?" she yells out the window.

 "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

 Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

 Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

 The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

 She leans out the window and yells, "What happened?
 Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Subj:     Lucky Day At The Train Station (S586b,d)
          From: edapsmas on 4/11/2008
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/KTwZBNHPgDY

 This very short video shows a very lucky couple at
 train station in India.  Click 'HERE' to view this
 close call.

Subj:     Army-Navy Football Train (S467)
          From: hellgunner50 on 12/27/2005

 It started last Christmas, when Bennett and Vivian Levin
 were overwhelmed by sadness while listening to radio reports
 of injured American troops.

 "We have to let them know we care," Vivian told Bennett.
 So they organized a trip to bring soldiers from Walter Reed
 Army Medical Center and Bethesda Naval Hospital to the annual
 Army-Navy football game in Philly, on Dec. 3.

 The cool part is, they created their own train line to do it.
 Yes, there are people in this country who actually own real
 trains. Bennett Levin - native Philly guy, self-made millionaire
 and irascible former L?I commish - is one of them.

 He has three luxury rail cars. Think mahogany paneling, plush
 seating and white-linen dining areas. He also has two loco-
 motives, which he stores at his Juniata Park train yard.

 One car, the elegant Pennsylvania, carried John F. Kennedy to
 the Army-Navy game in 1961 and '62.  Later, it carried his
 brother Bobby's body to D.C. for burial.

 "That's a lot of history for one car," says Bennett.

 He and Vivian wanted to revive a tradition that endured from
 1936 to 1975, during which trains carried Army-Navy spectators
 from around the country directly to the stadium where the
 annual game is played.

 The Levins could think of no better passengers to reinstate
 the ceremonial ride than the wounded men and women recovering
 at Walter Reed in D.C. and Bethesda, in Maryland.

 "We wanted to give them a first-class experience," says
 Bennett.  "Gourmet meals on board, private transportation
 from the train to the stadium, perfect seats - real hero

 Through the Army War College Foundation, of which he is a
 trustee, Bennett met with Walter Reed's commanding general,
 who loved the idea.

 But Bennett had some ground rules first, all designed to
 keep the focus on the troops alone:
    No press on the trip, lest the soldiers' day of
      pampering devolve into a media circus.
    No politicians either, because, says Bennett, "I
      didn't want some idiot making this trip into a
      campaign photo op."
    And no Pentagon suits on-board, otherwise the
      soldiers would be too busy saluting superiors to relax.

 The general agreed to the conditions, and Bennett realized
 he had a problem on his hands.

 "I had to actually make this thing happen," he laughs.  Over
 the next months, he recruited owners of 15 other sumptuous
 rail cars from around the country - these people tend to know
 each other - into lending their vehicles for the day.  The
 name of their temporary train?  The Liberty Limited.

 Amtrak volunteered to transport the cars to D.C. - where
 they'd be coupled together for the round-trip ride to Philly
 - then back to their owners later.

 Conrail offered to service the Liberty while it was in
 Philly.  And SEPTA drivers would bus the disabled soldiers
 200 yards from the train to Lincoln Financial Field, for
 the game.

 A benefactor from the War College ponied up 100 seats to
 the game - on the 50-yard line - and lunch in a hospitality

 And corporate donors filled, for free and without asking
 for publicity, goodie bags for attendees:
    From Woolrich, stadium blankets.
    From Wal-Mart, digital cameras.
    From Nikon, field glasses.
    From GEAR, down jackets.

 There was booty not just for the soldiers, but for their
 guests, too, since each was allowed to bring a friend or
 family member.

 The Marines, though, declined the offer. "They voted not
 to take guests with them, so they could take more Marines,"
 says Levin, choking up at the memory.

 Bennett's an emotional guy, so he was worried about how
 he'd react to meeting the 88 troops and guests at D.C.'s
 Union Station, where the trip originated.  Some GIs were
 missing limbs.  Others were wheelchair-bound or accompanied
 by medical personnel for the day.

 "They made it easy to be with them," he says. "They were
 all smiles on the ride to Philly.  Not an ounce of self-
 pity from any of them.  They're so full of life and

 At the stadium, the troops reveled in the game, recalls
 Bennett.  Not even Army's lopsided loss to Navy could
 deflate the group's rollicking mood.

 Afterward, it was back to the train and yet another
 gourmet meal - heroes get hungry, says Levin - before
 returning to Walter Reed and Bethesda.

 "The day was spectacular," says Levin. "It was all about
 these kids. It was awesome to be part of it."

 The most poignant moment for the Levins was when 11
 Marines hugged them goodbye, then sang them the Marine
 Hymn on the platform at Union Station.

 "One of the guys was blind, but he said, 'I can't see you,
 but man, you must be f---ing beautiful!' " says Bennett.
 "I got a lump so big in my throat, I couldn't even answer

 It's been three weeks, but the Levins and their guests are
 still feeling the day's love. "My Christmas came early,"
 says Levin, who is Jewish and who loves the Christmas season.
 "I can't describe the feeling in the air."  Maybe it was hope.

 As one guest wrote in a thank-you note to Bennett and Vivian,
 "The fond memories generated last Saturday will sustain us
 all - whatever the future may bring."

 God bless the Levins.

 And bless the troops, every one.

Subj:     Late For A Train (S385b)
..........From: mrx on 6/10/2004

 Blake and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train
 station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed
 out of the bar onto theplatform only to discover that they
 had missed the train.

 "The next train is in one hour," said the stationmaster.

 The three went back into the bar. The parents had another
 drink. Blake had a Pepsi. Again they heard a whistle,
 rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.

 "Next one is sixty minutes from now!" said the

 An hour later, Blake, with his Mom and Dad, raced out onto
 the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it
 pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and
 began to laugh uproariously.

 "Your parents just left you," said the stationmaster. "Why
 are you laughing?"

 "They came to see me off!" replied Blake.

Subj:     Railroad Crossing In North Dakota
          From: mauryschu on 3/30/2009 (S638c,d)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/YPNC-leSq4s

 This is a cute, short video of a train traveling through
 a railroad crossing in North Dakota with thick snow drifts.
 Click 'HERE' to see this train plow through snow.

Subj:     Wife Leaves By Train And Sister Arrives (S333b, S572)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/14/2003

 Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so
 she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes
 later, MY sister arrived by train so that she could help
 with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was
 gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my
 sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived.

 One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my
 wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

 "Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going!  But
 one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"

Subj:     Couple Shares Sleeping Room On Train (S302, S509c)
          From: RFSlick on 11/13/2002
      and From: darrell94590 on 10/23/2006

 (See 'A Priest And A Nun Spend The Night' in PRIEST1)

 A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves
 assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
 Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
 the two are tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper
 bunk and she in the lower.

 At 2:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying,
 "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing reach
 into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

 "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's
 pretend that we're married."

 "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

 "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

 After a moment of silence, he farted.

Subj:     Tornado Vs A Train (S653b,d) 
          From: gattica30 on 7/13/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/cFe0846RgWc

 This dull video is a web cam on a train hit by a
 tornado in Boone and McHenry counties in Illinous
 in 2008.  The scope and power of the encounter is
 awesome.  Click 'HERE' to see this amazing web cam.

Subj:     Applying To Be A Signalman On The Railroad (S178)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/28/00

 Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad
 and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

 The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What
 would you do if you realized that two trains were heading
 towards each other on the same track?"

 Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

 "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

 "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever
 down there", answers Tom.

 "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the

 "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone
 to call the next signal box."

 "What if the phone was busy?"

 "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and
 use the public phone near the station".

 "What if that had been vandalized?"

 "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and
 get my Uncle Leo".

 This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

 "Because he's never seen a train crash."

Subj:     Train Conductor Learns To Flip Coins (S159)
          From: KMacinty on 02/15/2000

 There is this poor train conductor.  One day while he is
 checking out the cars in the yard he sees a hobo.  The hobo
 is flipping quarters into a can.  This would not be that big
 of a deal except that the hobo is on one side of the car and
 the can is on the other.  The hobo never misses a shot.

 He walks up to the hobo and asks, "How is it that you can flip
 quarter after quarter into the can and never miss?"

 The hobo replies, "Practice, my lad, practice."

 So, he in his off time starts practicing.  He places the can
 ten feet away and practices until, every time he can get the
 shot.  Then he starts practicing from twenty feet.  Soon he
 has it down to where he can flip the quarter into a can from
 fifty feet away.  One day while he is practicing he boss sees
 him.  "I will bet you $20 that you cannot do that five times
 in a row."

 Well, he has been practicing and feels confident, so he takes
 his boss up on the bet.  Lo and behold, he is able to do it
 and so wins the $20.

 Soon his fame spreads.  He keeps practicing and betting and
 the more he does the more people hear about him.  One day
 the mayor approaches him. "I have a proposition for you,"
 the mayor says.  "We are having a fair in two weeks.  If
 you can flip a quarter into the can from one hundred feet
 away ten times in a row, you will be the star of the fair
 and we will build a statue to you in the town commemorating,
 just what one can do with practice."

 This sounds great to him and he takes the mayor up on his
 offer.  Every day he practices and soon has it to where he
 can flip the quarter into the can from one hundred feet away
 every time.  Not thinking this is enough, he practices even
 more until he is entirely confident that he can succeed.

 The day of the fair arrives.  The stands are packed with
 everyone in town.  To a resounding drumroll and trumpet
 fanfare, he steps onto the stage.  At one end, one hundred
 feet away is the can.  In his hand is a quarter.  A hush
 falls over the crowd as he tests the wind and prepares his
 toss.  Whoosh, the quarter sails from his hand.  Clink, it
 bounces off of the edge of the can and rolls off the stage.

 The crowd gasps.  He, humiliated, pulls out an automatic
 weapon and fires, blasting into the stands and killing everyone.

 The police come to arrest him.  Obviously the cops are from a
 different town, as he killed everyone in his town.  The day
 of his trial comes and after a few days of legal semantics,
 he is found guilty of mass murder and sentenced to die in the
 electric chair.

 The day of his execution comes.  He is strapped down and wires
 are connected all over his body.  The executioner steps into
 the back room and flips the switch.

 Nothing happens.

 Several policemen go into the room, check the wiring and give
 a thumbs up to the executioner.  He flips the switch again.
 Nothing happens.  The executioner checks the circuit breaker,
 sees it is on and tries again.  Still nothing happens.

 At this point, the condemned man asks, "What is going on?"

 The executioner walks into the room.  "I do not know," he
 says.  "I have flipped the switch three times and nothing
 has happened.  Do you have any ideas?"

 "I am not sure," the condemned man says.  "It might just
 be that I am a poor conductor."

Subj:     Winter Train Ride... Enjoy! - PPS (S685)
          From: rfslick on 2/28/2010
 Click 'HERE' to see this beautiful PowerPoint Show
 of trains in winter.

Subj:     Elderly Father Rides Train In South (S85, S572b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-09-14

 A man who lived in the South had tried for years to persuade
 his elderly father to visit him.  Unfortunately, the father
 was from the old country, but now living in the northeastern
 part of the United States, he had a great fear of flying and
 staunchly refused to have any part of it.  The son finally
 convinced him that he should take the train and travel south
 to see him and visit with his family.

 Anxiously the son waited at the train station for the arrival
 of his father's train at the appointed time.  As his father
 departed the train to hugs and friendly greetings, his son
 said to him "Well, Poppa, how was your train ride?"  His
 father shook his head and said "Oh, America, she's a beautiful
 country.  I'ma ridin' along justa enjoyin' da countryside and
 I tinka I lika to have me a smoke...   so I taka outa me pipe
 anda just asa I'ma gonna light up, along comes da conductor
 and he's a sayin' to you Poppa 'No smokin in da passenger car!'

 I taka me to da smokin car and smoka me pipe ...   me tinka me
 lika to hava a drink...   so, I taka out me flask and justa as
 I'ma gonna taka a sip, along comes that conductor and he tells
 you Poppa 'No drinkin in da smokin car!.'

 I taka me pipe anda flask and goes to da drinkin car.  I'ma
 sittina dere and a perty girl coma and sitta by you Poppa, her
 name Virginia.  She sitta close to you Poppa and I patta her
 on de knee and she lika dat...   she sitta closer and I patta
 her on the tigh......she really lika dat a lot!  We justa
 huggin and akissin and along came date conductor again
 and he saysa 'No hanky panky in da drinkin car!'

 So, you Poppa aska Virginia if she wanna go backa to me lil
 sleepin car and she say 'Sure!'  We go to me lil sleepin car
 and we's justa huggin and akissin....   and along came data
 damned coneductor and he's a shoutin "NO FOLK VIRGINIA!!!!!!"

Subj:     Riding The Metro In China (S686b,d in China)
          From: tom on 3/11/2010
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/UO-A6ZU4Qkw

 This video is amazing.  I've always thought that BART was
 way too crowded.  This video puts a different perspective
 on our problems.  Click 'HERE' to see this eye-opening video.

Subj:     Three Men And A Girl On A Train (S129, S470b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-06-21
      and From: DoctorDebt on 1/19/2006

 In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young
 girl.  The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon
 turns to the erotic.

 The young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I
 will show you my legs."  The men, charmed by this young girl,
 all pull a buck out of their wallet.  the girl pulls us her
 dress a bit to show her legs.

 Next she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00,
 I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they
 all pull out a ten dollar bill.  The girl pulls up her dress
 all the way to her legs in full.

 Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all
 taken off their coats.  The young girl then says, "If you will
 give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for

 All three fork over the money.  The girl then turned to the
 window and points outside at a building they're passing.  "See
 there in the distance.  That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Subj:     Man Hit By Train (S182)
          From: thebartend on 98-05-26
      and From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/25/00

 This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes
 to visit a friend.  He'd never seen a train or the tracks
 they run on.

 While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he
 hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know
 what it is.

 Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is
 thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with
 some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some

 After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's
 house attending a party, one evening.  While in the kitchen,
 he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling.  He grabs a base-
 ball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and
 bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.  His
 friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees
 what's happened and asks the desert man:

 "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

 The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things
 when they're small."

Subj:     Short Train Jokes

Subj:     How To Avoid Getting Hit By A Train (S754d)
          By Black Moon Studios
          From: Wimp.com on 6/25/2011
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eW5yWUKDMpg
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/avoidtrain/
 I had to view this thirty second video four times before
 my mind could deal with what I was seeing.  The author
 wrote "That's me, my car and my house, but the train
 footage was 'borrowed' from a YouTuber called rokenbok45
 ... at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTNsqAekSaM."

 Click 'HERE' to see this impressive video.

Subj:     How To Correctly "Hold On" In A Moving Train (S728)
          From: darrellvip on 12/20/2010
 Source: http://jokemail.wordpress.com/2010/05/03/
Subj:     Amazing Railway Routes- PPS
          From: darrell94590 (S495, S585b)
          on 7/21/2006 and 4/3/2008
 A very beautiful Power Point Show of the railroad from
 Whitehorse, Yukon to Skagway, Alaska.  Click 'HERE' to view.

Subj:     Heart Attack On A Train (S288b)
          From: jerry on 8/5/2002
 A Massachusetts MBTA (Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority)
 train, with a man onboard having a heart attack, never the
 less made two scheduled stops before arriving in Boston for
 waiting medics, according to horrified passengers who tried
 convincing the train crew to bypass the stations.  The crew,
 having given the man CPR, was aware that the man's heart
 had stopped.

 The MBTA says the crew violated their policies on medical
 emergencies by not only making the stops along the way, but
 for arranging to have a medical crew waiting in Boston
 instead of at the next station.

 One commuter said that when she asked why the train stopped
 at the West Newton station instead of continuing on, she
 was told "because there were people on the platform," and
 "if you have a complaint, call the T office."

 Boston Globe 31-Jul-02

Subj:     Untieing A Lady On The Railroad Track (S659)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/28/2009
..........Source: (Removed from postmanscorner.net)
  Click 'HERE', to see this cute comic strip.

Subj:     Hiding In The Train Bathroom (S280b)
          From: jerry on 6/12/2002
 (See 'Engineers On A Train' in ENGINEER1)
 A German man was caught hiding in a train bathroom to
 avoid paying for a train ticket.  At the police station
 he suddenly ripped off his pants and began repeatedly
 hitting a police officer in the face with his underpants.
 He must have been charged with indecent assault.

 Ananova 10-Jun-02

Subj:     Boy Sues Rail Authority (S247)
          From: jerry on 10/24/2001
 A teenage boy who had been riding on trains in Australia
 for 8 months, hanging out the window so he could paint
 graffiti onto the side and roof of the trains, sued the
 State Rail Authority for $1 million when, while doing
 this, he hit a stanchion.  He tried claiming the rail
 authority was negligent for not making sure that it was
 impossible for him to hang out the window to paint
 graffiti onto the side and roof of the train without
 being hit by a stanchion.

 Hit by the stanchion of justice too.

 '' I do not believe . . . the State Rail Authority had
 a duty to prevent a young person, intent on disfiguring
 the train, from deliberately squeezing through the
 narrow window opening,'' said the judge who not only
 rejected the claim but ordered the boy to repay the
 State Rail Authority's legal costs, an amount that
 could run into hundreds of thousands of dollars.

 The Daily Telegraph (Australia) 6-Oct-01

From: smiles on 8/17/99
      It's not my job to run the train,
          The whistle I cannot blow.
      It's not my job to say how far
          The train is allowed to go.
      It's not my place to shoot off steam,
          Nor even ring the bell.
      But let the train just jump the track,
          THEN see who catches hell.

 The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue,
 Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world
 where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car
 driving under an airplane.

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/26/2003 (S341b)
 Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set
    a kid gets at Christmas time ?
 A: Because they were originally made for children
    but the father wants to play with them.

From: LABLaughsClean on 7/24/2009 (S655b in Eng3)
 Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train engineer?
 A: A teacher trains the mind, the engineer minds the train

                           -(o o)-
............................From Smiley_Central