Subj:     Vaseline Jokes
                 (Includes 3 jokes and articles, 28719n,0,cf.md4,0)

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Includes the following:  Going To Mom And Dad's For The Honeymoon (S456b, DU)
.........................Vaseline Salesman And The Farmer (S155, DU)
.........................Vaseline Survey (S110, S568b)
.........................Short Vaseline Jokes

Also see HARLEY file  - 'Family Dinner And The Harley'
         WEDDING-HONEY- 'Carpenter, Electrician And Dentist Play Tricks'
Subj:     Going To Mom And Dad's For The Honeymoon
          From: rfslick on 10/18/2005 (S456b, DU)
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so
 they go back to mum and dad's for the night.

 In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.
 As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his
 mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

 She replies, "No".

 Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

 His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

 Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Is Fred and
 Mary up yet?"

 She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

 His mum replies, "Never mind what you think!  Eat your lunch
 and go back to school."

 After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

 His mum says, "No." Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

 His mum replies, "OK! What do you think?"

 He says, "Well, last night Fred came in and asked for the
 Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

Subj:     Vaseline Salesman And The Farmer (S155, DU)
          From: WSelwa on 01/20/2000
          (Also see 'Family Dinner' in HARLEY file)

 A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country when his
 car starts leaking and loses all its oil.  Not knowing what
 to do, he fills the engine with Vaseline, thinking that it
 is similar to oil, and drives away.  It works fine until about
 half an hour later when the engine gets real warm and the
 Vaseline melts and runs out through the same hole as the oil
 did.  This time there is a farm nearby so he decides to look
 for a phone.

 Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and
 daughter are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes.
 "I did them this morning," complains the farmer.  "Well I did
 them at lunch," says his wife.  "And I'm tired from doing all
 the farmwork," says the daughter.

 The farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will
 settle it by all taking off their clothes, lying on the floor,
 and declaring that the first one to speak gets to do the dishes.

 The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell.
 No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone.  He even-
 tually stumbles into the kitchen and, ignoring the odd sight,
 asks for a phone.  No one answers so he goes and looks some
 more.  Still no luck so he goes back to the kitchen. They still
 won't answer so he decides to see what else he can get away
 with.  He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by
 her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again.
 A while later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why

 After having sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired
 and exasperated.  He thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline,
 I can drive my car for another half-hour.  So he asks, "Do you
 have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer jumps up and yells,
 "I'll do the dishes!"

Subj:     Vaseline Survey (S110, S568)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #238 on 97-11-02

 A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of
 house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase.
 He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged
 man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?"

 "Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz.  We
 are paid by private companies to canvas thousands of
 consumers like yourself for feedback on their products.
 Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum
 jelly.  Would you have time to answer just a couple of

 "I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire
 away young man." says the homeowner.

 Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks,
 "Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?"

 "Yes sir, for as long as I can remember."

 "Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the
 survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard,
 ready to record the answer.

 "Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips,
 and sex."

 The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly.  He looks
 around, leans forward and in a low voice says, "We pride
 ourselves in being very thorough sir.  I know how you'd
 use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips.  But would
 you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"

 "No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put
 it on our bedroom doorknob."

 The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and
 takes a step backwards before the homeowner continues,
 "It keeps the kids out."

Subj:     Short Vaseline Jokes

From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/1/2007 (S559b in Hunting)
 First Guy: "Hey, if you went camping with another guy and
             woke up with Vaseline around your butt hole,
             would you tell anyone?"
 Second Guy: "Hell no!"
 First Guy: "Want to go camping?"

                           -(o o)-
.............................From Smiley_Central