Subj: 'How To' Jokes And Facts
(Includes 441 jokes and articles, 03759,4,cf)
Calvin cartoon
from
Mike Shaikun's Animation
| >>>
Subj: 'How To' Jokes And Facts (Includes 441 jokes and articles, 03759,4,cf) |
|
Calvin cartoon from Mike Shaikun's Animation |
Also see ARTIST-SUPP - 'How
To Draw Famous People'
BLONDE file - 'The
Blonde And The Contractor'
COWBOY file - 'Do-It-Yourself
Country And Western Song'
LIES file - 'How
To Win Arguments'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
How To Make A Balloon Puppy (S589b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/28/2009 |
 |
Do you know how to make a balloon
puppy? See how at the
above source, or on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: How
To Pick Up Women (S400b, S701b)
From: igiggle on 9/15/2004
At: http://www.pickuphelp.com/
(See 'Pick-Up
Line Retorts' and 'Ways
To Turn Men Down' in Dating1)
Most Popular Pickup Lines
Are you a parking ticket? (What?)
You got fine written
all over you.
You make me melt like hot fudge
on a sundae.
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What
for?"]
I want to call
my mom and tell her
I just met the
girl of my dreams.
Pick up a pack of sugar that
actually says,
"sugar" on it and
say, "You dropped your nametag!".
What does it feel like to be
the most beautiful girl in this room?
Do you believe in the hereafter?
Well, then I guess
you know what I'm here after.
Are your legs tired, because
you've
been running through
my mind all day long.
Do you have a Bandaid? Because
I just
scraped my knee
falling for you.
There must be something wrong
with my eyes,
I can't take them
off you.
Girl, you better have a license,
cuz you are driving
me crazy!
Hey baby, you've got something
on your butt: my eyes.
Hi, I make more money than you
can spend.
I hope you know CPR, because
you take my breath away.
Damn, if being sexy was a crime,
you'd be guilty as charged!
I must be in heaven because
I'm standing next to you!
(From: radio advertisement on
12/15/04 - S412b)
If I could rearrange the alphabet,
I'd put U and I together.
You must be from out of space
cause
I can see the stars
in your eyes.
If you were a booger I'd pick
you first.
Can I have directions? ["To
where?"] To your heart.
Baby did you fart, 'cause you
blow me away!
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said
you were looking for me.
Turn to the girl sitting next
to you at the bar and say...
"I'm not really this tall....I'm
sitting on my wallet."
Do you believe in love at first
sight,
or should I walk
by again?
When I saw you from across the
room,
I passed out cold
and hit my head on the floor...
so I'm going to
need your name and number for insurance reasons.
You know what? Your eyes are
the same color as my Porsche.
Do you have a map? Because I
just keep getting lost in your eyes!
Is there an airport nearby or
is that my heart taking off?
Do you have any raisins? No?
How about a date?
All Pickup Lines
A song from your lips is an
aria from heaven.
All this could be yours for
one low, low price!
Apart from being sexy, what
do you do for a living?
Are my undies showing? Answer:
"No."
You: "Would you
like them to?
Are you a parking ticket? (What?)
You got fine written
all over you.
Are you a tamale? 'Cause you're
hot.
Are you accepting applications
for your fan club?
Are you an interior decorator?
When I saw you
the room became beautiful.
Are you as beautiful on the
inside as you are on the outside?
10.
Are you going to kiss me or
do I have to lie to my diary?
Are you lost ma'am? Because
heaven's a long way from here.
Are you Natasha, my contact?
Are you religious? Good, because
I'm the answer to your prayers.
Are your legs tired, because
you've been running
through my mind
all day long.
Aren't we supposed to get together
for a candlelight
dinner later tonight?
Aren't you the tiger on the
Frosted Flakes box?
Cuz you look "Grrrreat!"
As she's leaving.... Hey aren't
you forgetting something?
She: What? Me!
Ask a woman for the time. "10:30?
So today is January 10,1999,
at 10:30 PM, thanks
I just wanted to be able to remember
the exact moment
that I met you."
Baby did you fart, 'cause you
blow me away!
20.
Baby, if you were words on a
page,
you'd be what they
call fine print
Baby, somebody better call God,
cuz he's missing an angel!
Baby, you must be a broom, cause
you just swept me off my feet.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put
Hershey's outta business.
Baby, you're the next contestant
in the game of love.
Be unique and different, say
yes.
Before you run, I am not a freak.
Beww BEWWW Beww (What?) That
is the sound of the ambulance
coming to pick
me up because when I saw you my heart stopped!
By the way the light is hitting
your eyes, I can see myself
in them, and damn,
I look good!.
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What
for?"] I want to call my mom and
tell her I just
met the girl of my dreams.
30.
Can I flirt with you?
Can I get a picture of you so
I can show Santa
what I want for
Christmas?
Can I get your picture to prove
to all my friends
that angels really
do exist
Can I have directions? ["To
where?"] To your heart.
Champaign can be tickly, and
so can I.
(Close hand with nothing inside
and give it to her) It's my breath
from when you took
it away (open palm while saying this).
Coffee? Tea? Me?
Come live in my heart, and pay
no rent.
Compared to you, the sun feels
cold.
Could you do me a favor and
tell your boyfriend he's a lucky man?
40.
Damn, if being sexy was a crime,
you'd be guilty as charged!
Did the sun come out or did
you just smile at me?
Did you have Campbell's soup
today? (she answers yes/no)
Because you're
lookin' mmm... mmm... good!
Did you hear the latest health
report? You need to up
your daily intake
of vitamin me.
Didn't I pick you up in the
grocery store?
'Cause you're hot
like salsa
Didn't I see you on the cover
of Vogue?
Do you believe in love at first
sight,
or should I walk
by again?
Do you believe in the hereafter?
Well, then I guess you
know what I'm here
after.
Do you eat lots of Lucky Charms?
Because you look
magically delicious.
Do you have a Bandaid? Because
I just
scraped my knee
falling for you.
50.
Do you have a boyfriend? No.
Want one?(if yes:
Want another one?)
Do you have a map? Because I
just keep
getting lost in
your eyes!
Do you have a sunburn baby,
or are you always this hot?
Do you have any raisins? No?
How about a date?
Do you have room in your life
for another friend?
Do you have the time? [Gives
the time]
No, the time to
write down my number?
Do you know karate? 'Cause your
body is really kickin'.
Do you like anyone else in here?
Well, I guess you
are stuck with me.
Do you like music? (Yes) Good,
I've got
a great stereo
system at home!
Do you like to dance? Well then,
could you go dance
so I can talk to
your friend?
60.
Do you mind if I stare at you
up close
instead of from
across the room?
Do you remember Crayola Crayons?
They used to have this
color...Blizzard
Blue. It was my favorite color and
I could never figure
out why. But I just realized
why, your eyes...Blizzard
Blue.
Do you want to see a picture
of a beautiful person?
(hold up a mirror)
Do your legs hurt from running
through my dreams all night?
Does beauty run in your family?
Does Levi's pay you for wearing
those and looking that good?
Does my breath smell okay?
Does your watch have a second
hand? I want to know how long
it took for me
to fall in love with you.
Don't walk into that building
-- the sprinklers might go off!
Don't you know me from somewhere?
70.
Ever since I met you, you've
lived in my heart
without paying
any rent
Excuse me miss, I don't mean
to stare,
but um I think
you're really Beautiful"
Excuse me miss... Do you have
a cigarette? Actually, I don't
want one, I just
wanted to start a conversation with you.
Excuse me miss? You dropped
something back there? (As you
look around you
ask "where") Over there! (Ask again:
"What did I drop?")
He answers back: My jaw!
Excuse me, but did you happen
to find my Nobel Peace Prize?
Excuse me, but do you have tickets?
(Tickets for what?)
(Points to arm
and flex) To the gun show!
Excuse me, but I DO think it's
time we met.
Excuse me, but I may be lost...
Can you give me
directions to wherever
you're going?
Excuse me, but I think I dropped
something!!! MY JAW!!
Excuse me, but weren't we blissfully
married
in a past life?
80.
Excuse me, but you have a beep
on your nose. What? (reach
up and gently squeeze
her nose) BEEP. (If she laughs,
she's yours; if
she looks at you funny, apologize.)
Excuse me, do I need to buy
a ticket for your fantastic voyage?
Excuse me, do you have change
for a $100 bill?
Excuse me, do you have your
phone number,
I seem to have
lost mine.
Excuse me, do you think you
might possibly have a
mutual friend who
could introduce us.
Excuse me, I don't want you
to think I'm ridiculous or
anything, but you
are the most gorgeous girl/guy I
have ever seen.
I just felt like I had to tell you.
Excuse me, I just noticed you
noticing me and I just
wanted to give
you notice that I noticed you too.
Excuse me, I think you have
something in your eye.
Nope, it's just
a sparkle.
Excuse me, I'd like to have
kids someday, and I wanted to
know how your parents
created such a beautiful creature.
Excuse me, I'm looking for a
friend...
do you want to
be my friend?
90.
Excuse me, is that your perfume
that you are wearing?
Excuse me, mind if I stare at
you for a minute?
I want to remember
your face for my dreams.
Excuse me... do you speak Klingon?
For a moment I thought I had
died and gone to heaven. Now
I see that I am
very much alive, and heaven has been
brought to me.
Giant polar bear (What?) It
broke the ice.
Girl, you better have a license,
cuz you are driving me crazy!
Girl: I may not be Mya but my
love is like whoa
Go up to the person and ask
for their hand. Draw a line
across it and explain
that it"s a big river, and the
bunny on this side
(it doesn"t matter which side) really
needs to get to
the other side. Then tell the person how
they think that
bunny got across. And when they finally
give up, give them
puppy eyes and tell them that there
was no bunny, but
that you just wanted to hold their hand.
(Awwwwww)
God must have been in a very
good mood the day we met.
Good evening. May a thorn sit
down amongst the roses?
100.
Good news, the test results
are negative!
Got me? I'll do your body good.
Grab them in the butt and ask,
"Pardon me, is this seat taken?"
Great choice of clothes, they
match the trim in the Jag
Guy: What's your name? Girl:
Danielle
Guy: Oh... I thought
it was Aphrodite.
Guy: Can i see your hand? (he
draws a little river then a
bunny on one side
and says he can't get to the other side
because he will
go glub glub glub.)
Gal: What was the point of that?
Guy: Just wanted
an excuse to hold your hand
Guy: Did I see u somewhere?
Girl: No
Guy: Then I must
of seen you in my dreams! (works everytime)
Guy: I may not be Baby Bash
but you're my suga. Has anyone
ever told you that
you have Scandinavian hands? (Uh, no.)
No, of course not,
that would be an incredibly stupid thing
to say, wouldn't
it?
Have you always been this cute,
or did you have to work at it?
110.
Have you been eating Cocoa Puffs?
cuz I'm goin cookoo for you
Have you ever been to Hawaii?
(No why?) Well it was the most
beautiful thing
I've seen till I gazed into your eyes
He: You look like my third wife.
She: Oh, how many
time have you been
married? He: Twice.
Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm
here to steal your heart.
Hello. Are you taking any applications
for a boy/girlfriend?
Hello. Cupid called. He says
to tell you that he needs
my heart back.
Hello? Oh, your body was calling
me from across the room.
Help, something's wrong with
my eyes
- I just can't
take them off you.
Here's your chance to get to
know me.
Hershey's makes millions of
kisses a day...
all I'm asking
for is one
120.
Hey babe, can I have your number?
I think it'll look
better in my pocket
than in your head.
Hey baby you're so fine you
make me stutter,
wha-wha-what's
your name?
Hey baby, where you been all
my life?
Hey baby, you are like a pot
of gold...
Hard to get and
hard to hold.
Hey baby, you've got something
on your butt: my eyes.
Hey baby... drop that zero and
get with the hero in
other words...
you better come with me.
Hey kitten, how about spending
some of
your nine lives
with me.
HEY!!!! Wanna go half on a baby?
Hey, come here often? You could,
with me.
Hey, don't frown - you'll never
know who might
be falling in love
with your smile.
130.
Hey, don't I know you? Yeah,
you're the
girl/guy with the
beautiful smile.
Hey, haven't I seen you before?
I remember, it
was in my dreams!
Hey, how did you do that? (What?)
Look so good?
Hey, I lost my phone number
... Can I have yours?
Hey, Laura! (Big hug). I haven't
seen you forEVER!!
(huge kiss) Wow,
you've really changed! (I'm not
Laura) What? Oh
my God, you even changed your name!
Hey, somebody farted. Let's
get out of here.
Hey, where did your smile go?
(Check back pocket)
Here it is!
Hey, you owe me a drink. (Answers):
why? Or I do?
-- Because I dropped
mine when you walked past!
Hey, You were great on Bay Watch
last night!
Hey... Didn't I see your name
in the dictionary
under "Kablaam"?
140.
Hi, are you here to meet a nice
man or will I do?
Hi, do you speak English? (yes.)
Oh, me too.
Hi, I just wanted to give you
the satisfaction
of turning me down;
go ahead say no.
Hi, I make more money than you
can spend.
Hi, I need your help! My mom
says that if I don't
get a date by tomorrow,
she's putting me up
for adoption.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer.
Would you like
to be in my next
photo shoot?
Hi, I'm Batman. Wanna see my
batmobile?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said
you were looking for me.
Hi, my name's Right...Mr. Right.
Hi, the voices in my head told
me to come over
and talk to you.
150.
Hi. Are you cute?
Hi. Can I domesticate you?
Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do
I come here often?
Hi. My name is {name}. I'm running
for president in
2012. And I could
sure use your vote. Here...
write down your
number and I'll call you to discuss
my platform.
How is your fever? [What fever?]
Oh... you just
look hot to me.
How much did it cost? (What?)
The surgery that
made you so hot!
I believe that it was Socrates
who opined,
"Know thyself."
Well, I already know myself,
how about I get
to know you?
I can read palms. {write your
# on their hand}
OOh it says your
gonna call me soon!
I can see you. [Uh, yeah.] Great!
Then how about tomorrow.
I didn't know that angels could
fly so low!
160.
I didn't know that Miss America
lived here!
I don't know if you're beautiful
or not,
I haven't gotten
past your eyes yet.
I don't know you, but I think
I love you already.
I dropped a tear in the ocean,
the day I find it
is the day I'll
stop loving you
I envy your lipstick.
I have a cat. She would really
like to meet you.
I have had a really bad day
and it always makes me feel
better to see a
pretty girl smile. So, would you smile
for me?
I have only three months to
live.
I heard that you have a good
dentist.
Mind if I try out
his work?
I hope you know CPR, because
you take my breath away.
170.
I just got dumped, and I think
that you
could make me feel
better.
I just had to come talk with
you. Sweetness is my weakness.
I just wanted to show this rose
how incredibly
beautiful you are!
I knew that my life DID have
a purpose,
but not until I
looked into your eyes.
I know I'm not a grocery item
but I can tell
when you're checking
me out.
I looked up the word "beautiful"
in the thesaurus today,
and your name was
included.
I lost my phone number. Can
I have yours?
I may not be the best looking
guy in here,
but I'm the only
one talking to you.
I must be a snowflake, 'cuz
I've fallen for you.
I must be in heaven because
I'm standing next to you!
180.
I must be lost. I thought paradise
was further south.
I never thought that heaven
would be so close to me"
I play the field, and it looks
like I
just hit a home
run with you.
I saw you, I had an asthma attack
because
you took my breath
away!
I think I feel like Richard
Gere - I'm standing
next to you, the
Pretty Woman.
I think I must be dying because
I'm looking at Heaven.
I think my medication is wearing
off.
I think you've got something
in your eye. Oh never mind,
it's just a sparkle.
I tried to find the perfect
line to make you mine,
sweetheart, but
after searching all I could come up
with was this look
in my eyes and your hand in
mine, and the words,
will you be mine?
I want to bear all your children.
(to a woman)
190.
I want to spend the rest of
my life with you.
I want you more then a Popsicle
on a hot summer day
I would love to be your tears,
to be born in your eyes,
live on your cheeks
and to die on your lips.
I'd marry your cat to get in
the family.
If a star fell for every time
i thought of you,
the sky would be
empty.
If beauty were a grain of sand,
you'd be a million beaches.
If beauty were sunlight, you'd
shine from
a million light-years
away.
If beauty were time, you'd be
an eternity.
If God made anything more pretty,
I'm sure he'd keep
it for himself.
If I could be anything I'd be
a tear: Born in your eye,
live on your cheek,
and die at your lips.
200.
If I could be anything, I'd
love to be your bathwater.
If I could reach out and hold
a star for
every time you've
made me smile,
I'd hold the sky in the palm
of my hand.
If I could rearrange the alphabet,
I'd put U and I together.
If I followed you home, would
you keep me?
If I had a nickel for every
time I've seen a woman
as beautiful as
you, I'd have 5 cents.
If I had a rose for every time
I thought of you,
I would be walking
through my garden forever.
If I were to borrow your glasses,
could I see you home?
If it weren't for that DAMNED
sun,
you'd be the hottest
thing ever created.
If nostalgia was white and passion
was black,
my love for you
would be a little chessboard
210.
If this bar is a meat market,
you must be the prime rib.
If water were beauty you'd be
the ocean.
If you know a person's name:
"Hi, [name]." How did you
know my name? "Isn't
every beautiful girl named that?"
If you were a booger I'd pick
you first.
If you were a chicken, you'd
be impeccable.
If you were a laser, you'd be
set on "stunning".
If you were a library book,
I would check you out.
If you were a new hamburger
at McDonald's,
you would be McGorgeous.
If you were a tear in my eye
I would not cry
for fear of losing
you.
If you were ice cream and I
were hot chocolate
I'd pour all my
love onto you.
220.
I'm addicted to yes, and I'm
allergic to no.
So what's it gonna
be?
I'm feeling kind of insecure
right now. Could I have a hug?
I'm invisible. (Really?) Can
you see me? (Yes)
How about tomorrow
night?
I'm looking for a friend...do
you want to be my friend?
I'm new in town. Could you give
me directions to your apartment?
I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated
by you.
I'm sick. My medicine is to
talk to you.
I'm sorry, were you talking
to me?
Her: No. Well then,
please start.
I'm the kind of man who deserves
to have women I don't deserve.
I'm wearing Revlon colourstay
lipstick, want to help me
test the claim
it won't kiss off?
230.
Inheriting twenty million bucks
doesn't mean much
when you have a
weak heart.
Is it hot in here, or is it
just you?
Is that baby oil on your forehead?
Cause you shine like an angel.
Is there a rainbow today? I
just found the
treasure I've been
searching for!
Is there an airport nearby or
is that my heart taking off?
Is your daddy a thief? ["No."]
Then how did he steal the sparkle
of the stars and
put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy
answer in case
they say "yes."]
Is your name Gillette? Because
you're the best a man can get
It must be a day off in heaven
for an angel like
you to be amongst us.
It must be dark outside. 'Cause
all the sunshine
in the world is
right here.
It's always good for you to
see me again.
240.
It's my birthday! How about
a birthday kiss? [Is it really
your birthday?]
No, but how about a kiss anyway?
It's not my fault I fell in
love. You are the one that tripped me.
I've been noticing you not noticing
me.
I've gotta thirst, baby, and
you smell like my Gatorade.
I've had quite a bit to drink,
and you're beginning
to look pretty good.
Just where do those legs of
yours end?
Know what I like best about
you baby? You haven't maced me yet.
Let's make like a Fabric softener
and Snuggle
Let's make out so I can see
if you taste as good as you look.
Life without you would be like
a broken pencil...pointless.
250.
Like the sheets on your bed
I want cover you with love.
Listen to this: my buddies over
there said that I wouldn't
be able to start
a conversation with the most beautiful
boy/girl in the
bar. Wanna buy some drinks with some of
their money?
[Look at his/her shirt label.
When they say, "What are you
doing?", say "Checking
to see if you were made in heaven."
Man, you sure are bright girl!
Were you raised by the stars?
Man: "Would you like to dance?"
Woman:(looks at you up and
down) "No thank
you." Man: "Sorry, you must've misunderstood
me. I said: "you
look fat in those pants!"
Man: excuse me did you just
feel my ass? Girl: no you: why not?
Man:"Girl, you are so rude!"
Girl:"How am I being rude?"
Man:"Because you're
looking so fine and not telling
me you're name."
Many people will walk in and
out of your life. But only
lovers will leave
a footprint on your heart. And you
my dear have left
one great leap on mine!
May I have the distinguished
honor and
privilege of sitting
next to you?
Miss, you made my heart stop...
260.
My leech would like you as a
new host.
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine
of your love.
My lips are registered weapons.
Can I invade your personal space?
My love for you is like diarrhea,
I just can't hold it in.
My love for you is like the
energizer bunny,
it keeps going
and going.
My name isn't Elmo, but you
can tickle me anytime you want to.
My psychiatrist sent me for
an MRI because she thinks
I have a magnetic
personality.
Nice to meet you, I'm (your
name) and you are...gorgeous!
Oh my god, I thought I was gay...
then I met you.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth
to mouth, quick!
270.
Ok, I'm here, what do you want
for your next wish?
Oooh, you're lookin' fine. Not
in the good way, in the "you'll do" way.
(Open and close wallet quickly)
Here's my "Fine Arts
Connoisseur" diploma.
You sure are a masterpiece.
Pardon me, but what pickup line
works best with you?
(Person walks in, and you say:)
And out of nowhere
comes the sunshine!
Pick up a pack of sugar that
actually says, "sugar" on it
and say, "You dropped
your nametag!".
Picture this, you, me, bubble
baths, and a bottle of champagne.
Pinch me. "Why?" You're so fine
I must be dreaming.
Please don't go or else I will
have to make a report to the
cops....u stole
my heart
Pull my finger.
280.
Really like your peaches and
I wanna shake your tree.
Say, didn't we go to different
schools together?
Shall we talk or continue flirting
from a distance?
Smile if you want me!.
So, are you going to give me
your phone number,
or am I going to
have to stalk you?
So, what do you like to do for
fun? (Why?)
'Cause I'm gonna
ask you out.
So, you're a girl huh?
Somebody needs to write explosive
on you, cuz your the bomb!
Something tells me you're sweet.
Can I have a sample?
Speak of the devil....or should
I say "Angel"?
290.
Stop, Drop, and Roll baby 'cause
you're on fire!
Take a chance on me.
(Talk to her) Did I ever tell
you you're my hero? You're
everything I wish
I could be? (Start Singing) I can fly
higher than an
eagle! (talking) Because
(her name) you are the wind
beneath my wings.
That's a nice watch [Thank you]
Actually, that's a nice dress.
[Again, thank you]
Come to think of it, everything is nice
on you.
The only thing your eyes haven't
told me about you is your name.
There aren't enough "O"'s in
the word "smooth" to describe
how smooth you
are.
There is much more here than
what meets the eye.
There must be something wrong
with my eyes,
I can't take them
off you.
There was no color in the world
until I met you.
300.
There's an aura about you that's
hidden
and I want to bring
that aura out.
This is a test of the emergency
pick up line service.
Beeeeeeeeeep.
If you had been any less beautiful,
you would have
just heard a bad pick up line.
This is incredible. This is
the first time that this
has ever happened
to us. (What?) Each one of my 27
personalities found
you cute!
This is your lucky day, because
I just happen to be single.
Turn to the girl sitting next
to you at the bar and say,
"I'm not really
this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."
(Walk over to her)"Ok, you can
stand next to me, as long
as you don't talk
about it."
Walk up and say, "Yes?" "What?"
"Oh, my friend told me that
you wanted to make
out with me because I'm the finest
thing you have
seen all night."
Walk up to a guy/girl hold up
a $100 (or more if you're
desperate) dollar
bill and rip it in half in front of
his/her face write
your phone number on half of it and
hand it to them.
Then say, "how about you call me
tomorrow and we'll
figure out a way to spend this money?"
(Walk up to someone and bite
them anywhere) Person: What are
you doing?!?!?
You: Sorry, taking a bite out of crime.
Person: WHAT?!?!?
You: Well it has to be illegal to look
that good!
(Walk up to them and touch them)
Thank God, I thought that
you were only an
illusion (mirage).
310.
Want to see my stamp collection?
Was you Father an Alien? Cos
honey on planet earth there's
nothing else like
you!
Was your dad king for a day?
He must have been to make a
princess(or prince)
like you.
Well, here I am. What were your
other two wishes?
Were you arrested earlier? It's
gotta be illegal
to look that good.
Were you in Girl/Boy Scouts?
Because you sure have tied
my heart in a knot.
Weren't you on America's Most
Wanted last night?
What did you say? Oh, I thought
you were talking to me.
What does it feel like to be
the most beautiful girl
in this room?
What is your favorite color?
(Answer) Mine too!
320.
What is your first name? Hmm,
that goes kinda well with
my last name. (switch
if female asking a male)
What sort of person are you
looking? Wait- don't tell me:
medium height,
blue eyes, etc...
What time do you have to be
back in heaven?
What would you do if I kissed
you right now?
What's a nice girl like you
doing in a place like this?
What's a nice girl like you
doing talking to a loser like me?
What's that on your face? Oh,
must just be beauty. Here,
let me get it off.
Hey, it's not coming off!
What's the name of your perfume?
"Catch of the Day?"
What's your sign?
When God made you, he was showing
off.
330.
When I look into your eyes,
it is like a gateway into the
world of which
I want to be a part.
When I marry I wonder if God
will be mad
that I stole one
of his angels.
When I saw you from across the
room, I passed out cold
and hit my head
on the floor...so I'm going to need
your name and number
for insurance reasons.
When you look into the mirror
holding up a dozen roses,
you see the 13
most beautiful things in the world
When's our wedding date?
(While looking at stars) Baby,
I didn't see any stars in
the sky tonight,
the most heavenly body was sitting
right next to me.
Who's your daddy?
Why do you have to be so damn
fine every single day?
Can't you take
a break and let me concentrate on
something else
for a change?
Wish I was cross-eyed so I could
see you twice.
Woman, I hate to see you go,
but I LOVE watching you leave....
340.
Would buy you a drink but I
would be jealous of the glass.
Would you like someone to mix
with your drink?
Would you touch me so I can
tell my friends
I've been touched
by an angel?
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding
cake together?
Ya know, you look really hot!
You must be real reason
for global warming.
You - "Did it hurt". The other
person will naturally say
"Did what hurt?",
You - "When you fell from heaven."
You are a 9.9999. You'd be a
perfect 10 if you were with me.
You are a beautiful girl, you
have probably heard all the
great pick up lines,
so why dont' you just tell me the
ones that worked
so we can get past all that....?"
You are like a candy bar: half
sweet and half nuts.
350.
You are not a woman, you are
an essence
You are so beautiful that I
would marry your brother just
to get into your
family.
You are so beautiful that you
give the sun a reason to shine.
You are so sweet...I'm getting
a toothache just looking at you...
You are the hottest thing since
sunburn.
You are the only reason why
I came in here alone.
You are the proof that God has
a sense of humor.
You are the reason men fall
in love.
You can fall off a building,
you can fall out a tree,
but baby, the best
way to fall is in love with me!
You know at this angle as the
lights hit your eyes
[start fixing hair]
I can see myself and I look great."
Then smile, and
sheepishly say "just kidding."
360.
You know I'd like to invite
you over, but I'm afraid
you're so hot you'll
skyrocket my air-conditioning bill.
You know the more I drink, the
prettier you get!
You know what? Your eyes are
the same color as my Porsche.
You know, you might be asked
to leave soon.
You're making the
other women look really bad.
You look beautiful today, just
like every other day.
You look just like my mother.
You look like a big glass of
water and I sure am thirsty!
You look like the type of girl
who has heard every line
in the book ...
So what's one more??
You look so good, I could put
you on a plate
and sop you up
with a biscuit!
You make me melt like hot fudge
on a sundae.
370.
You might not be the best looking
girl here,
but beauty is only
a light switch away.
You must be a chef, because
you certainly are mighty spicy.
You must be from Hiroshima,
cause baby you're the Bomb.
You must be from out of space
cause
I can see the stars
in your eyes
You must be from Pearl Harbor,
'cause baby, you're
the bomb.
You must be going to hell cause
it must be a sin
to look that good.
You MUST have a nice personality.
You remind me of a magnet, because
you sure are attracting
me over here!
You remind me of a pop tart.
(Why?)
You're cool cause
you're hot!
You Say: Looks like we're late."
She Says: "For what?"
You Say: "For dinner.
Your choice this time, I'm buying."
380.
You see my friend over there?
[Point to friend who
sheepishly waves
from afar] He wants to know if
YOU think I'M cute.
You should be someone's wife.
You: Do you have a warrant out
for your arrest? Them: No....why?
you: Because it
has got to be a crime being so damn sexy.
You: You're perfect in almost
every way, except you have one
major flaw. Them:
What's that? You: Your address. It needs
to be the same
as mine.
You make me want to get a job!
Your body is like a haiku in
motion.
Your dad must have been retarded,
'cuz you are special.
Your daddy must be a terrorist,
because baby- you da bomb!
Your earrings are the mirrors
which reflect
the moonlight into
your eyes
Your eyes are as blue as my
toilet water at home.
390.
Your eyes have touched my soul
Your lips look so lonely....
Would they like to meet mine?
You're a twinkle in my eye and
an angel from the sky.
You're daddy must be a hunter
because he sure caught a fox.
You're daddy must be an archer
because he sure shot a bulls eye.
You're eyes are bluer than the
Atlantic Ocean
and baby, I'm all
lost at sea.
You're hotter than a Bunsen
burner set to full power!
You're like a dictionary - you
add meaning to my life!
You're so hot you would make
the devil sweat.
You're ugly but you intrigue
me.
400.
You've been a bad girl/boy.
Go to my room.
You've got to refer me to your
plastic surgeon.
Suggestions For Women To Respond
To Pickup Lines
"Haven't I seen you someplace
before?"
"Yeah, that's why I don't go
there anymore."
He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.
"Is this seat empty?"
"Yes, and this one will be too
if you sit down."
"So, wanna go back to my place?"
"Well, I don't know. Will two
people fit under a rock?"
"I'd like to call you. What's
your number?"
"It's in the phone book."
"But I don't know your name."
"That's in the phone book too."
"What sign were you born under?"
"No Parking."
"I know how to please a woman."
"Then please leave me alone."
"Haven't we met before?"
"Yes, I'm the receptionist at
the V.D. Clinic."
410.
"I want to give myself to you."
"Sorry, I don't accept cheap
gifts."
"I can tell that you want me."
"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want
you... to leave."
"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
"Stop."
"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and
I hitting the hot spots?"
"Sorry, I don't date outside
my species."
"May I see you pretty soon?"
"Why? Don't you think I'm pretty
now?"
"Your body is like a temple."
"Sorry, there are no services
today."
"I'd go through anything for
you."
"Good! Let's start with your
bank account."
"I would go to the end of the
world for you."
"Yes, but would you stay there?"
Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace
before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't
go there anymore."
"Your place or mine?"
"Both. You go to yours and I'll
go to mine."
420.
He: So, wanna go back to my
place?
She: Well, I don't know. Will
two people fit under a rock?
After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let's
see your departure.
If you are looking at a girl
and she says "What are you looking at?"
say "I thought you were good
looking, but I was mistaken."
He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your
standards a little, I just did.
He: Do you wanna dance?
She: Yeah but not with you!
He: You must have misunderstood
me,
I said you
look fat in those pants!
Q: Does beauty run in your family?
A: It obviously doesn't in yours!
Q: What's your name sexy?
A: Taken!
Q: Do you believe in love at
first sight
or do you want
me to walk by again?
A: Yeah, but this time don't
stop!
Q: I think you're the best looking
girl in here.
A: Really? Well, I'd better
go find
the best looking
guy then, hadn't I!
He: So, baby, your place or mine?
She: Both. You'll go to your
place and I'll go to mine!
430.
He: Your legs go clear up to
your ass.
She: Most peoples' do!
Q: Can I buy you a drink?
A: Go ahead, but only if you
buy my boyfriend one too!
"You look like a dream."
Response: "Go back to sleep."
He: What`s it like being the
most beautiful girl in the bar?
She: What`s it like being the
biggest liar in the world?
"I can see forever in your eyes."
Response: "But all I can see
is never in yours."
"I looked up beautiful in the
thesaurus today
and your name was
included."
Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw
your name next to jerk."
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Subj:
How To Open A Locked Suitcase (S601b)
From: LABLaughsclean on 7/9/2008 Photo from YouTube |
Lost a suitcase Key? How do you
get into it? This video
will show you how to get it
safely open. You can view this
short movie at the above source,
or by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Homeowners
Guide To Basic Tools (S253b)
From: Cypriot on 11/30/2001
Hammer:
In ancient times
a hammer was used to inflict pain on
one's enemies.
Modern hammers are used to inflict pain
on oneself.
Screwdriver:
The drink ordered
at the local bar after you call in a
professional repairman
to undo the $500 in damage you
did while trying
to change out a light socket with your
handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver:
The bar drink that
you order when the damage estimate
is over $1,000.
Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers:
A device used to
extend your reach the necessary few
inches when you
drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind
the new wall it
took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers:
Contain a handy
assortment of sharp and dangerous tools.
Best left in it's
leather sheath and worn on a home-
owner's belt to
increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder:
An annoying device
that never goes off when you point
it at yourself.
Halogen Light:
A work light that
lights up your backyard with the
incandescence of
a football stadium, causing you to
cast a heavy shadow
over the area you're working on
so that you need
to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill:
A device that lessens
your chance of electrocution
90% over a standard
plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone:
The handyman's
911.
Air Compressor:
A mechanical device
similar in principal to harnessing
the power of your
mother-in-law's nagging complaints
and using the resulting
airflow to blast old paint off
the side of the
house.
Chainsaw:
Allows you to cut
your way out of the shed that you
accidentally built
completely around yourself.
Vise Grips:
A pair of helping
hands that doesn't critique the job
you're doing or
offer advice.
\\\//
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| Subj:
How To Throw Cement (S701b in Contractor)
From: Wimp.com on 6/21/2010 Photo from
YouTube.com...
|
 |
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Subj: How
To Build An Atomic Bomb (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #66 on 98-03-16
and
From: LAFF NOW
The following paper is taken
from The Journal of Irreproducible
Results, Volume 25/Number 4/1979.
P.O. Box 234 Chicago Heights,
Illinois 60411
1. INTRODUCTION
Worldwide controversy has been
generated recently from several
court decisions in the United
States which have restricted
popular magazines from printing
articles which describe how
to make an atomic bomb.
The reason usually given by the
courts is that national security
would be compromised if such
information were generally available.
But, since it is
commonly known that all of the
information is publicly
available in most major metropolitan
libraries, obviously the
court's officially stated position
is covering up a more
important factor; namely, that
such atomic devices would
prove too difficult for the
average citizen to construct.
The United States courts cannot
afford to insult the vast
majorities by insinuating that
they do not have the
intelligence of a cabbage, and
thus the "official" press
releases claim national security
as a blanket restriction.
The rumors that have unfortunately
occurred as a result of
widespread misinformation can
(and must) be cleared up now,
for the construction project
this month is the construction
of a thermonuclear device, which
will hopefully clear up any
misconceptions you might have
about such a project. We will
see how easy it is to make a
device of your very own in ten
easy steps, to have and hold
as you see fit, without annoying
interference from the government
or the courts.
The project will cost between
$5,000 and $30,000, depending
on how fancy you want the final
product to be.
2. CONSTRUCTION METHOD
1. First, obtain about 50 pounds
(110 kg) of weapons grade
Plutonium at your local supplier
(see NOTE 1). A nuclear
power plant is not recommended,
as large quantities of
missing Plutonium tends to make
plant engineers unhappy.
We suggest that you contact
your local terrorist organization,
or perhaps the Junior Achievement
in your neighborhood.
2. Please remember that Plutonium,
especially pure, refined
Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous.
Wash your hands with soap
and warm water after handling
the material, and don't allow
your children or pets to play
in it or eat it. Any left over
Plutonium dust is excellent
as an insect repellant. You may
wish to keep the substance in
a lead box if you can find one
in your local junk yard, but
an old coffee can will do nicely.
3. Fashion together a metal enclosure
to house the device.
Most common varieties of sheet
metal can be bent to disguise
this enclosure as, for example,
a briefcase, a lunch pail, or
a Buick. Do not use tinfoil.
4. Arrange the Plutonium into
two hemispherical shapes,
separated by about 4 cm.
Use rubber cement to hold the
Plutonium dust together.
5. Now get about 100 pounds (220
kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT).
Gelignite is much better, but
messier to work with. Your
helpful hardware man will be
happy to provide you with this
item.
6. Pack the TNT around the hemisphere
arrangement constructed
in step 4. If you cannot
find
Gelignite, feel free to use TNT
packed in with Playdo or any
modeling clay. Colored clay is
acceptable, but there is no
need to get fancy at this point.
7. Enclose the structure from
step 6 into the enclosure made
in step 3. Use a strong
glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind
the hemisphere arrangement against
the enclosure to prevent
accidental detonation which
might result from vibration or
mishandling.
8. To detonate the device, obtain
a radio controlled (RC)
servo mechanism, as found in
RC model airplanes and cars.
With a modicum of effort, a
remote plunger can be made that
will strike a detonator cap
to effect a small explosion.
These detonator caps can be
found in the electrical supply
section of your local supermarket.
We recommend the "Blast-
O-Mactic" brand because they
are no deposit-no return.
9. Now hide the completed device
from the neighbors and
children. The garage is
not recommended because of high
humidity and the extreme range
of temperatures experienced
there. Nuclear devices
have been known to spontaneously
detonate in these unstable conditions.
The hall closet or
under the kitchen sink will
be perfectly suitable.
10. Now you are the proud owner
of a working thermonuclear
device! It is a great
ice-breaker at parties, and in a
pinch, can be used for national
defense.
3. THEORY OF OPERATION
The device basically works when
the detonated TNT compresses
the Plutonium into a critical
mass. The critical mass then
produces a nuclear chain reaction
similar to the domino
chain reaction (discussed in
this column, "Dominos on the
March", March, 1968).
The chain reaction then promptly
produces a big thermonuclear
reaction. And there you have
it, a 10 megaton explosion!
4. NEXT MONTH'S COLUMN
In next month's column, we will
learn how to clone your
neighbor's wife in six easy
steps. This project promises
to be an exciting weekend full
of fun and profit. Common
kitchen utensils will be all
you need. See you next month!
5. NOTES
1. Plutonium (PU), atomic number
94, is a radioactive
metallic element formed by the
decay of Neptunium and is
similar in chemical structure
to Uranium, Saturium,
Jupiternium, and Marisum.
6. PREVIOUS MONTH'S COLUMNS
1. Let's Make Test Tube Babies!
May, 1979
2. Let's Make a Solar System!
June, 1979
3. Let's Make an Economic Recession!
July, 1979
4. Let's Make an Anti-Gravity
Machine! August, 1979
5. Let's Make Contact with an
Alien Race! September, 1979
\\\//
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Subj: How
To Locate Studs (DU)
The most secure way to attach
just about anything to a wall
is to fasten it to the studs.
To find framing members buried
behind a drywall or plaster
surface, try one or a combination
of these strategies. Start
your search in the center of a
wall, because studs there are
uniformly spaced. Once you've
located one, measure 16 inches
in each direction and see if
you can verify more studs.
Look For Visual Clues.
Baseboards (but not shoe moldings)
are typically nailed into studs,
and electrical receptacles
are usually attached to one
side of a stud or the other,
which you can check by removing
the cover.
Bore A Small Hole And Probe.
Feed a stiff wire, such as a
straightened coat hanger, into
the cavity and probe to one
side. When it stops at
a stud, bend the wire at the hole,
withdraw it, and use it as a
gauge to mark the stud's
location on the face of the
wall.
Use An Electronic Stud Finder.
Move one of these inexpensive
devices along a wall and it
will sense the difference in
density between where the wall
is backed by a stud and where
there is empty space.
This is the easiest and most accurate
way to locate studs.
(excerpted from "The Stanley
Complete Step-By-Step Book Of
Home Repair And Improvement",
page 147)
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Subj:
How To Build Fun Stairs (S759)
From: virv on 8/2/2011 |
These stairs may be well worn,
but they are obviously also
well loved. The room is
absolutely stunning. There was so
much light and space.
Click on the above source, or 'HERE'
for my copy, to see these great
stairs.
\\\//
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 |
Smiley with an idea from
Smiley_Central |