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Subj:     Thoughts Silly
                 (Includes 286 jokes and articles, 11 1026,6,cf,vYT2a,2)

          Click "Here" for Thoughts-Silly-Supp


Dancing Worm from
Millanimations
Includes the following:  Pickles Comic Strip (S868 in Supp)
.........................Twenty Thoughts On Growing Old (S877 in Supp)
.........................Deep Throat - Video (S645c in Supp)
.........................My Resignation As An Adult (S619c in Supp)
.........................Random Thoughts (S653 in Supp)
.........................Lucille Ball - Days Of The Week - Photo (S1021)
.........................Six Truths Of Life (S640c in Supp)
.........................Well Known Phrases (S620 in Supp)
.........................The Pill - Video (S1026 in Supp)
.........................Daffy-nitions (S596 in Supp)
.........................All I Need to Know I Learned From Shopping (S475c in Supp)
.........................28 Lines To Make You Smile - Web Page (S680b in Supp)
.........................A Few Things to Ponder (S458 in Supp)
.........................Twelve Things To Ponder (S376 in Supp)
.........................Deep Thoughts IV (S493c in Supp)
.........................Deep Thoughts III (S373 in Supp)
.........................Politically Correct Phrases (S293b - in SUPP)
.........................More Of Maxine's Wisdom (S435 in Supp)
.........................Just Say No (S290b - in Supp)
.........................A Child In Need (S274b - in Supp)
.........................Trick Questions And Answers (S299 in Supp)
.........................
.........................Pickles Comic Strip (S759)
.........................If You Can... - Photo (S255, S486)
.........................Truisms (S230)
.........................Money (S195)
.........................We'd Like To See On Office Posters (S187)
.........................Hagar Comic Strip (S665)
.........................Exercise Tips And Insights(S180)
.........................Philosophy Of Life (S148)
.........................Thoughts for the Day (S147)
.........................Pearls Before Swine Sunday Comic Strip (S984)
.........................Guidelines For Enlightenment (S140)
.........................Contest of Theories (S134)
.........................Words To Live By-Humorous (S72)
.........................Garfield Cartoon - Bury Your Ass (S433)
.........................Silly Questions(S151)
.........................Serenity (S193)
.........................Cynics Guide To Life (S213, S495c)
.........................For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
.........................Some Time-Honored Truths (S79)
........................."Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey (S224)
.........................Feeling Stressed? (S78, S528c)
.........................Short Thoughts Silly
..............................Your Life Explained By Scientific Graphs (S764 in Supp)
..............................Things That Can Kill You (S455, S617 in Supp)
..............................When Things Go Wrong (S453 in Supp)
..............................
..............................Laughter - Cartoon (S456b)

Also see ARAB file    - 'Moral Question For You'
         BUGS-ETC     - 'Lessons Learned From Worms'
         CHRISTMAS1   - 'Lovable Louise'
         ELDERLY4 file- 'A Man's Success'
         FACTS2 file  - 'Smelling Poop At Taco Bell'
         KIDS3 file   - 'If You Love Something'
         LISTS file   - '18 Things I've Learned By Dave Barry'
         MATH3 file   - 'How To Give 103%'
         MOTHERS file - 'My Mother Taught Me'
         PRISON file  - 'Friendship Quote'
.........QUOTES-COMDNS- 'George Carlin's Perfect Life'
         SIGNS-NAM-SUP- 'A Very Stupid Sign'
         THOUGHTS-KIDS- '35 Truths Learned From Kids'
         THOUGHTS-LND1- 'Words To Live By'
......................- 'What I Have Learned II'
......................- '25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years'
         THOUGHTS-LND2- 'Great Truths About Growing Old'
......................- 'Why We Are Here?'
         THOU-LND-SUPP- 'Inner Peace'
         THOUGHTS-TIME- 'Back in my day ...'
         THOUGHTS-WARM- 'Because You're My Friend'

============================================================Top
Subj:     Pickles Comic Strip (S759)
          By Brian Crane on 7/27/2011
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/pickles/2011/07/27
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Top
Subj:     If You Can... (S255, S486)
         From: KMACINTY on 12/17/2001
      and From: darrell94590 on 5/12/2006

 If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
 If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
 If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
    troubles,
 If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
 If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give
    you time,
 If you can overlook people taking things out on you when,
    through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
 If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
 If you can ignore a friend's limited education and
    never correct him,
 If you can resist treating a rich friend better than
    a poor friend,
 If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
 If you can conquer tension without medical help,
 If you can relax without liquor,
 If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have
    no prejudice against creed, color, religion, sexual
    orientation or politics,
 If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,

 Then........
 
 

 You are probably the family dog.
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Top
Subj:     Truisms (S230)
          From: JBCARY1 on 6/20/2001

  1. What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment
     for; enjoying sex.

  2. Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and
     be Mary!

  3. What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
     The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

  4. My mind works like lightning.  One brilliant flash and
     it is gone.

  5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is
     if you're in the bathroom.

  6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the
     seat folded up.

  7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
     Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

  8. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives
     the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

  9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending
     machines.

 10. The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is
     that you end up at work.

 11. Americans are getting stronger.  Twenty years ago,
     it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of
     groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

 12. Blondie told her friend, "I was worried that my
     mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved
     when he told me all I needed was "blinker fluid."

 13. Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a
     broken firing pin? It won't work and you can't fire it.

 14. I'm so depressed...I went to the doctor today and he
     refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.  Said
     it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
     building.

Top
Subj:     Money (S195)
          From: gheckman on 10/27/2000

 It can buy you a House
 But not a Home

 It can buy you a Bed
 But not Sleep

 It  can buy you a Clock
 But not  Time

 It can buy you a  Book
 But not Knowledge

 It can buy you a  Position
 But not Respect

 It can buy you Medicine
 But not Health

 It can buy you Blood
 But not Life

 It  can buy you Sex
 But not Love

 So you see, money isn't everything.
 The best things in life can't be bought,
 and often we destroy ourselves  trying!
 I tell you all this because I am your Friend,
 and as your Friend I want to take away your
 needless pain and suffering...

 So send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.
 A truer Friend than me you will never find. :-)

 CASH ONLY, PLEASE.

 P. S. Send this to 10 other people.  I'd like to be
 their friends as well...

Top
Subj:     We'd Like To See On Office Posters (S187)
          From: JCary on 08/25/2000
   TOP 10 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE INSPIRATIONAL
   OFFICE POSTERS

  1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings,
     they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

  2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...
     then you probably haven't completely understood the
     seriousness of the situation.

  3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
     Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

  4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
     engines.

  5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural
     Stupidity

  6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably
     has a scapegoat.

  7. Plagiarism saves time.

  8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

  9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid
     altogether.

 10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame
     yourself.

Top
Subj:     Hagar Comic Strip (S665 in Marriage1)
          by Chris Browne on 10/3/2009
 Source: http://www.hagardunor.net/comicstrips_us.
.........php?serietype=9?colortype=1?serieno=432
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Top
Subj:     Exercise Tips (S180)
          From: gheckman on 7/11/00

 It is well documented that for every mile that you jog....you
 add one minute to your life.  This enables you at 85 years
 old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000
 per month

 1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she
 was 60.  She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.

 2- The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could
 hear heavy breathing again.

 3- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
 Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

 4- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain
 figures out what I'm doing.

 5- I don't exercise at all.  If God meant us to touch our
 toes, he would have  put them further up our body.

 6- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by
 people who annoy me.

 7- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers
 them.

 8 - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die
 healthier.

 9- If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with
 a small country.

 and last but not least ........

 10- I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my
 vodka tonic.

Top
Subj:     Philosophy Of Life (S148)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/29/1999

 Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and
 challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you
 like.

 The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
 thing in theright place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
 thing at the tempting moment.

 Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.

 Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

 Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

 You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old
 because you stop laughing.

 It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads
 to your hips.

 Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.

 The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is
 when she is expecting a baby.

 Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but
 he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate
 cake.

Top
Subj:     Thoughts for the Day (S147)
          From: RFSlick on 11/21/1999

   A friend sent this to me:

   1) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
      his shoes.  That way, when you criticize him, you're a
      mile away from him and you have his shoes.

   2) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
      where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station

   3) I believe five out of four people have trouble with
      fractions.

   4) If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
      came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

   5) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

   6) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses
      of bald men?

   7) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
      husbands on beer cans.

   8) My grandmother told me that at her age, going braless
      pulls all the wrinkles out of her face.

   9) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible
      a whole lot more as they get older.  Then it dawned on
      me - they were cramming for their finals.

  10) Employment applications always ask who is to be notified
      in case of emergency. I write "A very good doctor."

Top
Subj:     Pearls Before Swine Sunday Comic Strip (S984)
          By Stephan Pastis on 11/15/2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2015/11/15
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.............Click 'HERE' to see this cute strip.
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Top
Subj:     Guidelines For Enlightenment (S140)
          by Swami Beyondananda
          From: smiles on 09/16/1999

  1. Be a Fundamentalist--make sure the Fun always comes before
     the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that
     will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided,
     and the reason why we are put in the material world is to
     get more material.  Have a good laughsitive twice a day,
     and that will ensure regularhilarity.

  2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift,
     just for entering - so you are already a winner!

  3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-
     Vision.  That is where I tell a vision to you, and you
     tell a vision to me.  That way, if we don't like the
     programming we're getting, we can simply change the
     channel.

  4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.

  5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts,
     thought particles tend to get caught between the ears,
     causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use
     mental floss twice a day.  And when you're tempted to
     practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's
     Absurdiveness Training class: *Don't get even, get odd.*

  6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments
     and truly live like nomads.  That's where I no mad at you,
     you no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be nomadness
     on the planet.  And peace begins with each of us.  A
     little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all
     the peaces will fit together to make one big peace
     everywhere.

  7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the
     future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my
     advice is simple.  When you find a fault, just don't
     dwell on it.

  8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do
     is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to
     change it again.

  9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I
     have some bad news and some good news.  The bad news
     is: there is no key to the Universe.  The good news
     is: it has been left unlocked.

 10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled.  That
     way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault.  And
     remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy.  So we
     don't have to go through channels.

     --- by Swami Beyondananda

Top
Subj:     Contest of Theories (S134)
          From: gsm on 8/22/99

 A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY
 subject.  Below are the winners:

 4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory): If an infinite
 number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks
 fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number
 of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's
 great literary works in Braille.

 3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics): Why Yawning Is Contagious:
 You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums.  This pressure
 change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures,
 so they then yawn to even it out.

 2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic): Communist China is
 technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and
 therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a
 faster rate.

 1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics): The earth may spin
 faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's
 rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the
 body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin
 dangerously fast.

 HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics): The quantity of consonants
 in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they
 turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's
 migrate southwest, causing a Texan to warsh" his car and invest in
 "erl" wells.

 GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion): When a cat is dropped,
 it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always
 lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot
 buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two
 opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above
 the ground. Using the giant buttered toast-cat array, a high-speed
 monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

 (See 'Antigravity: The Feline Butterology Theory' in PHYSICS1)

Top
Subj:     Words To Live By - Humorous (S72)
          From: RFSlick on 98-06-17

 (See 'Words To Live By' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED1)

 I can please only one person per day.  Today is not
 your day.  Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

 I don't have an attitude problem. You have a
 perception problem.

 I love deadlines.  I especially like the whooshing
 sound they make when they go flying by.

 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights
 make a left.

 If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you
 explain whales?

 Am I getting smart with you?  How would you know?

 I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

 My reality check bounced.

 On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger
 on the escape key.

 I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

 SLOW IS:  A herd of turtles stampeding through
 chunky peanut butter.

 I don't suffer from stress.  I'm a carrier.

 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

 There are two rules for ultimate success in life:
      1. Never tell everything you know.

 I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

 Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to
 get along without it.

 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get
 sucked into jet engines.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #31 on 98-02-01
 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
 that you tried.

 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 Experience is something you don't get until
 just after you need it.

 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

 He who hesitates is probably right.

 No one is listening until you make a mistake.

 Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

 The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is
 required on it.

 The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
 softness of the bread.

 The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
      to steal from many is research.

 Two wrongs are only the beginning.

 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
 catch up.

 Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

 Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

 Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

 If you think nobody cares about you, try missing
 a couple of payments.

 I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

 Death to all fanatics!

 Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

 Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

 Half the people you know are below average.

 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 If at first you don't succeed, then
 skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Top
Subj:     Garfield Cartoon - Bury Your Ass (S433)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/9/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
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Top
Subj:     Silly Questions (S151)
          From: RFSlick on 12/24/1999

   1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

   2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the
      second hand?

   3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would
      we ever know?

   4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he
      find the words?

   5. Why do we say something is out of whack? Just what
      is a whack?

   6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same
      thing?

   7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the
      same thing?

   8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

   9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we
      are already there?

  10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for
      sitting?

  11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after
      light"?

  12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected
      expected?

  13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

  14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

  15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

  16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to
      do it?

  17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

  18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you
      read all right?

  20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

  21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote
      control when you know the batteries are dead?

  22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments
      in a suitcase?

  23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

  24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when
      we use them?

  25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  26. Why do they call it a TV 'set', when you only get one?

  From: V-lewis@msn.com (Ray Lewis) on 97-04-29

  27. If you throw a cat out a car window does
      it become kitty litter?

  28. If corn oil comes from corn, where does
      baby oil come from?

  29. If there is no God, who pops up the next
      Kleenex in the box?

  30. When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?

  31. Why do they put braille on the number pads
      of drive-through bank machines?

  32. How did a fool and his money GET together?

  33. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they
      stick Teflon on the pan?

  34. How do they get a deer to cross at that
      yellow road sign?

  35. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

  36. What's another word for thesaurus?

  37. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

  38. What do they use to ship styrofoam?

  39. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

  40. Why is there an expiration date on my sour
      cream container?

  41. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

  42. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

  43. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns
      because they taste funny?

  44. Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the
      shepherd hasn't caught yet?

  45. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

  46. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

  47. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

  48. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap
      people at the Special Olympics?

  49. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

  50. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

  51. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

  52. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Top
Subj:     Serenity (S193)

 Grant me the serenity
 To accept the things I cannot change
 The Courage to change the things I cannot accept,
 And the Wisdom
 To hide the bodies of those people
 I had to eliminate today because they ticked me off.
 And also,
 Help me to be careful
 Of the toes I step on today as they
 May be connected to the behind
 I have to kiss tomorrow.

Top
Subj:     Cynics Guide To Life (S213, S495c)
          From: RFSlick on 3/1/2001
      and From: drgolfmd 7/22/2006

 also called 'Now and Zen' and 'Daily moment of zen:'

    1. Do not walk behind me,
       for I may not lead.

       Do not walk ahead of me,
       for I may not follow.

       Do not walk beside me, either.
       Leave me the hell alone.
 

    2. The  journey of a thousand miles begins
       with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
 

    3. It's always darkest before dawn.
       So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
       newspaper, that's the time to do it.
 

    4.  Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't be
        replaced, you can't be promoted.
 

    5.  No one is listening until
        you make a mistake.
 

    6.  Always remember you're unique.
        Just like everyone else.
 

    7.  Never test the depth of the
        water with both feet.
 

    8.  It may be that your sole purpose in life
        is simply to serve as a warning to others.
 

    9.  It is far more impressive when others discover
        your good qualities without your help.
 

   10.  If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
        try missing a couple of car payments.
 

   11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk
       a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you
       criticize them, you're a mile away and you
       have their shoes.
 
 

   12. If at first you don't succeed,
       skydiving is not for you.
 

   13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
      Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in
       boat drink beer all day.
 

   14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that
       person again, it was probably worth it.
 
 

   15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
 
 

   16. If you tell the truth,
       you don't have to remember anything.
 

   17. Some days you are the bug,
       some days you are the windshield.
 

   18. Good judgment comes from bad experience,
       and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
 

   19. Timing has an awful lot to do with the
       outcome of a rain dance.
 

   20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 

   21. Duct tape is like the force.
       It has a light side a dark side,
       and it holds the universe together.
 

   22. Experience is something you don't get
       until just after you need it.
 

   23. We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
       Then things get worse.
 

   24. I believe for every drop of rain that falls,
       a flower grows.  And a foundation leaks and
       a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
 

   25. Follow your dream!  Unless it's the one where
       you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
 

   26. Always take time to stop and smell the roses...
       and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
 

   27. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.
       Just take another road.  That's why the highway
       department made so many of them.
 

   28. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near
       the phone.  That way, when a salesman calls, you can
       hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails
       across it until he hangs up.
 

   29. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the
       four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack
       group, the caffeine group, and the thing-in-tin-
       foil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge group.
 

   30. Into every life some rain must fall.  Usually when
       your car windows are down.
 

   31. Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make
       a real mess on the neighbor's car!
 

   32. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone,
       try to remember that all men are brothers... and just
       give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
 

   33. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of
       pigs in a blanket.  That's the price you pay for
       letting the relatives stay over.
 

   34. It's a small world.  So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
 

   35. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to
       the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
 

   36. This land is your land.  This land is my land.  So
       stay on your land.
 

   37.  Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you
        don't want to get off, and when it isn't...
        you can't wait to throw up.

From: auntieg on 98-12-09
   38.  Searching is half the fun: life is much more
        manageable when thought of as a scavenger hunt
        as opposed to a surprise party.  -- Jimmy Buffett
 

   39.  If you don't think every day is a good day,
        just try missing one.  -- Cavett Robert
 

   40.  Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.
        -- Bern Williams

Top
Subj:     For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
          From: RobertTompkins on 4/10/99

  1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
  2. A day without sunshine is like, night
  3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
     misquoted, then used against you.
  9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
 10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
 11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
 12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
 13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
 14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 18. The early bird may get the worm,
     but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
 20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
 21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
 22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
 24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
 25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
 26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
 27. When everything's coming your way, you're
     in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
 28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
 33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
 34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
 37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional
     to the softness of the bread.
 38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to
     the ability to reach it.
 39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
     to steal from many is research.
 40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary
     to rise above your principles.
 41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
 42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
 43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
 44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
 46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
 48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
 49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
 50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
 51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
 52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
 53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Top
Subj:     Some Time-Honored Truths (S79)
          From: Anaise on 98-08-05

  1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't
     pet the sweaty things.
  2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk
     about other people.
  4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but
     not be able to say it.
  5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people
     in large groups.
  6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
  7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
 10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
 11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
     how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer
     all day.
 13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
 14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
 15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they
     go back to?
 16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
 18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
 19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have
     to drown too?
 20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
 21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you
     to do it?
 22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
 23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
 24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
 25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Top
Subj:     "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey (S224)
          From: ICohen on 5/15/2001

 From "DeepThoughts" by Jack Handey, from Saturday Night Live.

 Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.  Then
 when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have
 their shoes.
 =======
 If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let
 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
 =======
 If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting
 them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no
 good reason.
 =======
 To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something
 when you walk around.  That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can
 you give me a hand?"  You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
 =======
 The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part
 of the face.
 =======
 I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not
 our children's children, because I don't think children should
 be having sex.
 =======
 If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
 tell him is, "God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying,
 another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of
 something you did."
 =======
 If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
 mirror,because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
 =======
 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
 first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an
 ant and she fell on me.  Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
 =======
 To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
 choreography and the dancers hit each other.
 =======
 I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king,
 they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some
 Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
 =======
 If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else
 flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid
 eye contact.
 =======
 It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
 And I guess that's what I like about it.  It's easy. Just
 sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
 =======
 If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking
 a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

 Ira Cohen
 Telecom Systems Engineer
 Office of Information Technology
 City of Oakland, CA

 Office (510) 238-2187
 Cell    (510) 220-0027
 Fax    (510) 238-3555

Top
Subj:     Feeling Stressed? (S78, S528c)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #261 on 98-07-25

 Picture yourself near a stream...

 Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air...

 Nothing can bother you here...

 No one knows this secret place...

 You are in total seclusion from that place called The World...

 The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with
 a cascade of serenity...

 The water is clear...

 You can easily make out the face of the person whose head
 you're holding under the water...

 There now... feeling better?


Subj:     Short Thoughts Silly

Top
Subj:     Laughter - Cartoon (S456b)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 10/12/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can view this cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.
 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/12/2001 (S237)
 "Life if full of loneliness, misery, and sufferring, and
 it's all over much too soon."  -- Woody Allen

From: dogbyte on 8/31/2002 (S291b)
 I don't exaggerate,...
 I just remember big.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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.............................Fainting smiley from Smiley_Central
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